The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Best. Police. Report. EVAH!

Posted on | November 12, 2010 | 19 Comments

The story you are about to read is true. It is not an Onion parody. It is definitely NSFW. It may cause nausea and projectile vomiting.

You have been warned.

Melissa Lee Williams is 41 years old. She recently gained immortal fame for an incident involving her husband’s friend, her vagina and a knife.

Are you sure you want to keep reading this? You cannot un-know what you are about to learn:

According to investigators, Williams — who lives four doors down from her estranged husband at the 77 Motor Inn — showed up at his door and asked Danny Williams and another man to “eat my pussy.” . . .
While Danny Williams “declined said invitation,” the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he “agreed to perform at her request.” However, as Watson approached Williams, “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams.” Watson, understandably, “declined to proceed any further.”
This is when Melissa Williams allegedly “produced a lock-back folding knife,” opened it, and pointed the weapon at her estranged husband. She then reportedly uttered a line never before memorialized in a police report: “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat.”

If anyone’s considering making a sequel to Deliverance, there’s your “squeal like a pig” scene. You will have to read the rest to learn whether Ms. Williams’ victims escaped this fate-worse-than-death. (Hat-tip: The Pagan Temple.)

Why do the genuinely weird stories always seem to have a West Virginia dateline?

Don Surber could not be reached for comment.

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Category: Crime, Sex, West Virginia

Comments

  • JeffS

    Oi.

    Just. OI.

  • Joe

    This was posted by Balko about a week ago. It is not often I can smell stuff over the internet. Eeeeewwww.

  • http://getalonghome.com/ GAHCindy

    Love the poke at Don Surber. My family is from WV. We ran away. These stories are why. ;0)

  • Joe

    Nasty nasty nasty. That definitely Rule Negative Five.

    Dr. Joe Lieberman said to run this palate cleaner.

    http://ace.mu.nu/archives/308199.php

  • http://saberpoint.blogspot.com Stogie Chomper

    I read on the news that Danny Williams and Adam Watson were rushed to the emergency room where they had a pressure hose of Listerine shoved down their throats and turned up full throttle. Both men are expected to survive, though neither of them really wants to.

  • Joe

    Melissa Lee Williams, also known as Amanda Maracotte.

  • mike

    The county seat of Jackson County is Ripley. Believe it or not. Just 30-plus miles north of Charleston.

  • http://thepagantemple.blogspot.com/ ThePaganTemple

    Thanks for the HT. Can’t you almost picture snakes growing out of her head? HaHa

  • http://twitter.com/sdo1 Steve in TN

    That’s why I’ll never be a #1 top rated blogger. I just couldn’t put anything like this on a blog. ‘Scuse me while I toss the cookies.

  • Mikey NTH

    Sir – you have never been to Detroit, correct?

    How about the guy who tried to rob the bank from the drive-thru? Sent the note in by way of the message tube?

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  • Anonymous

    As my father used to say and Stacy knew my father from years gone by as he was teaching me about the birds and the bees. This kinda went over my head until I finally figured it out and it was ” Son NEVER stick your best little buddy where you would NEVER stick your tounge!’” Just looking at that face she would have to cut my throat! The other little bit of advice from that day with dad was, “Son if you don’t want to get stuck with it don’t stick it” so again she would have to cut my throat! Thank God I never was good enough to pick up women when drunk as you know the song! “Went to bed with a 2 and woke up with that ugly thing above”…well, you get the drift! Now to go and open my brain and throw some bleach in there!

  • Anonymous

    Be afraid of anyone who lists a Motor Inn as a permanent address.

  • http://ak4mc.us/cms/ McGehee

    When I was young, single and clueless, I nevertheless had a rule: if there’s nothing on a woman’s face I’d want to put my mouth on, I’m not putting my mouth on any other parts of her either.

    It’s worked out incredibly well over the years.

  • http://twitter.com/darleenclick darleenclick

    True, I’ve never read a line like that in a police report. But such unforgetable, WTF utterances do show up from time to time.

    SoCal’s city of Ontario, westside Holt Blvd aka Hooker alley. Police sweep of the area netting close to a dozen prostitutes/johns — one lady’s protestation at arrest as written in the police report:

    “I ain’t a whore. I do blowjobs for donations.”

  • Joe

    Darleen, that last line sounds like a certain southern californian prosecutor blogger we know.

  • Anonymous

    It’s been 12 hours since I read this post and THE VISIONS WON’T STOP!!!!!!

  • Anonymous

    Ah me! ah me! all brought to pass, all true!
    O light, may I behold thee nevermore!
    I stand a wretch….

    -Oedipus The King

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