The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

The Science Is Settled!

Posted on | April 9, 2012 | 24 Comments

According to the latest scientific study, homophobes are secretly gay!

Therefore, Fred Phelps is Andrew Sullivan’s dream date, or something.

For many years, I’ve been working on a scientific study to confirm my hypothesis that some lesbians — the really hot ones — are in fact secretly bisexual and eager to have me join them for a threesome.


  • Lisa Graas


  • Lisa Graas

     Now I have to go wash my brain out!

  • Tennwriter

    For decades we wait around for the Left to offend us, and then we fight back.  Now is good time to do the offending first.

  • Scarlett_156

    Your column raises an interesting question: 

    Why don’t we ever see any of those Barbie-doll video lesbians out in public with their girlfriends, anyway…?  Could it be that the porn video industry is somehow lying to us…?  O.o

  • RichFader

    Fred and Andrew? Sounds like the contents of a bottle of good old vintage Pharisee from “Screwtape Proposes A Toast”.

  • robertstacymccain

    Why don’t we ever see any of those Barbie-doll video lesbians out in public with their girlfriends, anyway…? 

    Because they’re all camped out on my front lawn.

  • Ford Prefect

    Let’s extend this “logic” shall we?

    Homophobes = secretly gay

    so that means…

    Atheists = secretly Christians
    Sharptonesque race baiters = secretly agree with conservatives
    Wacko environmentalists = secretly love big polluters
    Santorum fans = secretly Romneybots.
    Obama voters = secretly intelligent.

    See, I’m not getting how this logic works. Need some help on this one.

  • AnonymousDrivel

    Interesting. So I have a bit of an aversion to rattlesnakes the degree to which depends directly on their proximity to me at a given moment. Generally they can carry on their business in nature and I don’t care; however, if they bring their snakitude into my kitchen, I’m not going to be pleased. I may even get hostile.

    Is it because I’m secretly part rattlesnake and, while being trapped in a human corpse, desperately afraid of rattles?

    BTW, don’t read anything at all into this exceedingly well-articulated, incontrovertible truthyism. It’s just my way of admitting that I may or may not be a snake… depending on the Rorschach held before me.

  • AnonymousDrivel

    Part of the logic boils down to, “I want grant money and this avenue of inquiry currently pays.”

    Fundamentally and (perhaps) more seriously, I actually encourage such studies as long as they are in the pursuit of truth and not politics. And there’s the rub. Which are politically/monetarily driven and which are real science for knowledge? And who gets to decide that very pigeonholing?

    Obviously the broad overview of the alternate outcomes you paralleled with the homophobia study would be counterintuitive to normal human behavior, but the conclusions drawn are ridiculously speculative. I’d want to see a biochemical study done, if it could be designed, to validate the lumpy-headed psychological one where conclusions are a bit like interpretive dance.

  • JeffS

    Fred and Andrew, sitting in a tree
    K – I – S – S – I – N – G !
    First comes love,
    Then comes marriage.
    There goes a baby in a baby carriage!

  • Pingback: The Science of Hot Lesbians « The Daley Gator()

  • ThePaganTemple

     Then an adoption agency says “Please don’t sue us for discrimination we’ll give you all the baby boys you want.”

  • ThePaganTemple

    Clearly, no conservative wants to be called a queer, so this is supposed to shut them up and keep them from opposing gay marriage and other pole-smokers initiatives.

  • Teresamerica

    Is this the how illogical can a progressive be contest?  Why do liberals want everyone to be gay? They must have issues with feelings of inadequacy. 

  • TrogloPundit

    In other words, Stacy McCain is secretly in love with David Brooks.  I think that’s a logical conclusion.

  • eMatters

    Of course!  And the Christian-haters are really Christians.

    P.S. Friendly reminder: Fred Phelps is a Democrat.  Funny how the media never mentions that.

  • Ford Prefect

    Hasn’t the “homophobe = secretly gay” risen to “meme” status?  

  • rosalie

    Thanks for Ave Maria. That was very soothing.

  • Pingback: Perez Hilton, Former Homophobe? - The POH Diaries()

  • Adobe_Walls

    Though they should they don’t.

  • Adobe_Walls

    “I want grant money and this avenue of inquiry currently pays.”

    I’d say that pretty much applies to most studies.

  • Charles

    I was waiting for the Green Line on a warm day in Boston a few weeks back, and two very hot young twenty-something lesbians decided that the outdoor bench waiting for the streetcar was a good place to make out.

    A few years back, a buddy of mine and I joined a table of three lesbians at a crowded bar. Three is an odd number of lesbians, a number that reorients your ideas of threesomes and foursomes. Wrap your imagination around that.

  • robertstacymccain

    Face it, Charles: You’ve reached the age where all twenty-something chicks qualify as “hot.”

  • Adobe_Walls

    There was a bad time?