The Other McCain

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The Glorious All-American Hamburger

Posted on | February 6, 2014 | 102 Comments

— compiled by Wombat-socho

Who says we don’t love animals? Mmmm, tasty animals.

Inspired by Bryan Preston’s article on the Burger Wars in Austin, I thought it would be a good idea to compile a list of decent burger joints in the Washington, DC area, especially with CPAC less than a month away. I’ve rated the various burger restaurants on a scale of 1-5 (awful to excellent) for burger taste, fries, sodas, and ambience; price is on a similar but inverted scale with 1 being “it costs HOW MUCH?” and 5 being “Yay! Cheap burgers!”.

Cheap Eats

White Castle: 1/3/3/1/5 (13)
There’s a reason everybody who raves about this place turns out to be either drunk, stoned or both when they went there. Having eaten there sober, I can testify this may be the worst hamburger chain ever. Its only virtues are that it is dirt cheap and open 24 hours. For God’s sake, and the safety of your gastrointestinal tract, if you must eat burgers of this sort, go to Krystal instead. You’ll thank me when you sober up.

McDonald’s: 3/3/4/4/5 (19)
The expanded Dollar Menu is a good thing in my opinion, since it makes bacon a regular component of the McDonald’s menu. This is the bog-standard baseline cheeseburger chain, where you can also get adequate chicken sandwiches and salads; they’ve become more low-carb friendly in recent years as well. +1 to Ambience for almost always have wifi in their 24-hour locations, which makes them great backup locations for bloggers whose power and/or internets at home are on the fritz.

Burger King: 3/2/4/3/4 (16)
If BK would just concentrate on their Whoppers and other flame-broiled California burgers, they probably wouldn’t be getting their asses handed to them by McDonald’s and (increasingly) Wendy’s.

Wendy’s: 4/2/4/4/4 (18)
Better burgers than McD’s or BK, including the mighty Baconator. Also generally nicer than the former two, even if 24-hour service and wifi are lacking.

Checker’s: 3/4/5/2/3 (18)
Also known as Rally’s in some parts of the country. Offers a bewildering variety of cheeseburgers, which are okay, but their real selling point is their fries, which are peppery and can be ordered with cheese and/or chili. Also, gigantic sodas. Unfortunately, it’s drive-through only unless you want to park your butt on their picnic benches, which is not advised even in the relatively mild winters here in the Washington area.

Hardee’s: 5/3/5/4/3 (20)
Also known as Carl’s Jr. on the Left Coast. This is stretching things a bit since the nearest Hardee’s are in Stafford down by Quantico or out in Luray, but they deserve mention for their awesome use of supermodels in ads (Rule 5!) and their in-your-face “Eat Like You Mean It” slogan. Plus points for Monsterburgers,  Thickburgers, and hand-scooped milkshakes & malts. Low-carb burger options available as well.

Roy Rogers: 5/3/5/4/3 (20)
The glorious Triggerburgers of yesterday are experiencing a revival, and the Double-R Burger (a cheeseburger with thin-sliced ham) is the top of the line. Plus points for the fresh fixins’ bar, which includes all the usual toppings plus mayo and horseradish on tap, and for hand-scooped milkshakes made with Hershey’s ice cream.

Siddown, Relax, And Chow Down

Red Robin: 4/3/4/5/3 (18)
More of a competitor to Chili’s and Friday’s, really, but the burgers here are very good and the fries are unlimited. Those of us watching the carbs have the option of trading in the fries for a salad or unlimited broccoli, and getting our burgers wrapped in lettuce instead of delicious but evil burger buns. Plus points in ambience for wifi and a quirky loyalty program which not only hands out a free burger on your birthday and has a Buy 10 Get One Free system, but periodically throws a random freebie at you for no reason.

Five Guys: 5/5/5/4/3 (21)
Arguably the best burgers and fries; the latter are fried in peanut oil and served in enormous quantities, while the former are cooked to order with your condiments conscientiously applied. The original Five Guys at King Street & Beauregard Avenue in Alexandria appears to be closed, but there’s plenty of others around now. Bonus points for having the newfangled Coke dispensers which offer a million zillion flavor options and have pretty much every kind of soda and bottled water made by the Coca-Cola Corporation. Allahu akbar! Plus points to ambience for playing excellent 80s & 90s rock on their Bose speakers, partially offset by wooden chairs.

Pretentious Yupscale Burger Emporia

Smashburger: 3/3/1/3/2 (12)
People who think this place serves the best burgers need to get their heads examined. Nothing about this place is worth going out of your way for, unless you actually like your burgers raw in the middle and accompanied by mediocre julienne fries. No refills on the fountain sodas, either. Fargin’ iceholes.

Big Buns: 5/3/3/3/2 (16)
The burgers here are actually very good, and the buns are good quality fresh-baked ones, too. Aside from that, they don’t have a lot going for them aside from free parking in Arlington, which is not to be sneered at. Veggie, salmon and other non-beef patty options available for those of weak liver. Small cups for soda are irritating, but at least you can refill them.

Burger 7: 3/2/5/2/2 (14)
If you are a crunchy con who insists on having all your beef organically grass-fed and your milkshakes made from organic milk, then this is your burger joint. I don’t care for grass-fed beef (too dry and stringy compared to corn-fed, imo) and I definitely don’t like the taste of fries cooked in olive oil. Price is about what you would expect an organic grass-fed cheeseburger to be, i.e. $5 and change for something that is definitely not as big as McDonald’s Quarter-Pounder with Cheese.

Ray’s Hell Burger: (unrated)
Haha, like I’d actually go somewhere where my dining is liable to be interrupted by the Moocher-In-Chief and his posse of T-men? Yeah, no.

BGR – The Burger Joint: 5/3/5/4/1 (18)
Sweet bleeding Ronald McDonald with headcrab, the burgers here are EXPENSIVE. A double bacon cheeseburger with fries and a soda can very easily set you back almost $20. That having been said, you’re paying for prime beef grilled on an open flame, and the rest of the ingredients are similarly hi-falutin’. So you’re getting a REALLY GOOD double bacon cheeseburger. Plus points for having one of the aforementioned newfangled Coke machines, decent music on the speakers, and some comfortable wall seats so you’re not forced to sit on wood benches to atone for your carnist mouthcrime. Also, loyalty program with instant reward of free burger for signing up and a Buy Eight Get One Free offer.


I’ll be going out to Vegas in early June to scope out potential apartment locations, and will probably check out In & Out Burger as well as the Heart Attack Grill. Why, journalism demands it!


Category: Bacon, Culture, humor, United States

Comments

102 Responses to “The Glorious All-American Hamburger”

  1. Quartermaster
    February 7th, 2014 @ 12:40 pm

    From there to here, true. No so much in the opposite direction. They get a little touchy when you enter there domains without proper papieren.

  2. Jimilee
    February 7th, 2014 @ 12:41 pm

    If you ever find yourself in the Tulsa area, you HAVE to go to Hank’s Hamburgers. They have been featured in the NYT and Food Network. Been around since ’49 and is still a family business. Patties are perfectly seasoned, and when placed on grill they are topped with fine diced onions and grilled right in on the flip. Can’t go wrong with The Big Okie. Place seats about a dozen or so diners, so takeout drives the business. You can also see the photos of celebrities who have dined there. Most prominent.. Waylon Jennings as far as I’m concerned.

  3. Quartermaster
    February 7th, 2014 @ 12:42 pm

    You live in Hondo? I won’t tell you what we said about Hondo when I was at South San Antonio High School.
    You’re too far south for White Castle. They’ve overlapped Krystal’s range in Tennessee, however.

  4. Quartermaster
    February 7th, 2014 @ 12:43 pm

    Yes. He’s leading a highly deprived life. But, look where he’s living.

  5. Quartermaster
    February 7th, 2014 @ 12:44 pm

    Closest place to Hondo, to the best of my knowledge, to get a Castle is Nashville. That may be a burger too far for you these days. I do like a Krystal or a Castle now and again.

  6. Quartermaster
    February 7th, 2014 @ 12:45 pm

    Used to be a Roy Rodgers at the northernmost travel plaza on the WV Turnpike. Went out fairly soon after Roy died.

  7. ChelieinTX
    February 7th, 2014 @ 12:49 pm

    Lived in both Chicago and Detroit, and not a big fan of White Castle – I think they’re too greasy for me. Hey, just get a Whataburger kid’s burger; it’s kinda like a slider!

  8. Quartermaster
    February 7th, 2014 @ 12:52 pm

    Slaughter houses used to use a pistol to dispatch the victim. Some German butchers I watched one time near Stuttgart, used a stiff wire at the junction of the spine and skull, the same spot butchers aimed the pistol. Death is instantaneous.

    The pneumatic gun just stuns the cow. They want the heart pumping as it helps exsanguinate the carcass.

    You may now return to your mid-day meal.

  9. Quartermaster
    February 7th, 2014 @ 12:54 pm

    Pressure cooker will work well too.
    At least that’s what a Missionary to Bolivia told me 30 years ago. Grilling was quite out the window in Cochabamba as the beef was far too tough.

  10. Wombat_socho
    February 7th, 2014 @ 1:21 pm

    Haven’t seen an S&S on this side of the Appalachians, much less in the DC area.

  11. Wombat_socho
    February 7th, 2014 @ 1:22 pm

    Maybe we need one of those sous vide things that McArdle and Glenn Reynolds are always going on about.

  12. Wombat_socho
    February 7th, 2014 @ 1:23 pm

    I’ll add that to the list of places to scope out in June when I hit Vegas.

  13. Wombat_socho
    February 7th, 2014 @ 1:24 pm

    I forgot Fuddruckers, probably because they closed the one I used to go to. 🙁

  14. Wombat_socho
    February 7th, 2014 @ 1:25 pm

    I don’t like the dry rub they put on ribs and there’s no way to get them to leave it off. Besides, if I included every restaurant around here that serves burgers, I’d still be working on the post.

  15. Garym
    February 7th, 2014 @ 1:26 pm

    😉

  16. Wombat_socho
    February 7th, 2014 @ 1:27 pm

    There’s a whole bunch of Uncle Roy’s joints in the Maryland and Virginia suburbs of DC now, including one less than a mile from the Springfield Metro station.

  17. Wombat_socho
    February 7th, 2014 @ 1:28 pm

    I lived in the Twin Cities for about 25 years, and my waistline is all too familiar with Culver’s. I do make a point of stopping in for a Butterburger on my annual return to Bloomington (MN not IL), though.

  18. Wombat_socho
    February 7th, 2014 @ 1:29 pm

    I forgot about Fuddruckers. 🙁

  19. Wombat_socho
    February 7th, 2014 @ 1:29 pm

    Do they have both kinds of music (country AND western)?

  20. richard mcenroe
    February 7th, 2014 @ 1:46 pm

    Crock. Pot.

  21. richard mcenroe
    February 7th, 2014 @ 1:48 pm

    Suh, you break my heart…

  22. ChandlersGhost
    February 7th, 2014 @ 2:15 pm

    We have one in Burbank. It’s an essential component of any trip to Ikea. Consumerism ftw.

  23. K-Bob
    February 7th, 2014 @ 3:35 pm

    This ain’t a burger. It’s that wrap thingy you can get at McDonalds. Anyhoo, it’s freaking delicious!

    Problem: you absolutely cannot eat one in the car unless you are wearing a full body condom. I’ll swear it’s the messiest fast food item in history.

    And that’s only because no one has figured out how to serve soup in bun.

  24. K-Bob
    February 7th, 2014 @ 3:35 pm

    This ain’t a burger. It’s that wrap thingy you can get at McDonalds. Anyhoo, it’s freaking delicious!

    Problem: you absolutely cannot eat one in the car unless you are wearing a full body condom. I’ll swear it’s the messiest fast food item in history.

    And that’s only because no one has figured out how to serve soup in bun.

  25. Nan
    February 7th, 2014 @ 3:55 pm

    But Halal includes prayers to Allah.

  26. K-Bob
    February 7th, 2014 @ 3:58 pm

    Is it hot in here all of a sudden?

  27. cmdr358
    February 7th, 2014 @ 4:01 pm

    That’s why I only consume certified haram meat:-

  28. K-Bob
    February 7th, 2014 @ 4:07 pm

    I don’t suppose you’d be willing to cultivate a more altruistic point of view?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucNYLsjKaTQ

    I mean, Ayn Rand doesn’t have to be right all the time, right?

  29. M. Thompson
    February 7th, 2014 @ 4:32 pm

    Mmmm. Ginger!

  30. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    February 7th, 2014 @ 4:48 pm

    Allah is supposed to be God, but I just assume not eat beef anyway, thank you very much. I am pretty sure their Halal prayers are not over a porker.

  31. M. Thompson
    February 7th, 2014 @ 6:49 pm

    Bacon Cheeseburger on a Friday in Lent: When you absolutely have to offend as many religions as possible.

    Or should I not give the anti-theists advice?

  32. M. Thompson
    February 7th, 2014 @ 6:50 pm

    You mean Led and Zeppelin, right?

  33. K-Bob
    February 7th, 2014 @ 6:58 pm

    No, I guess it’s just me!

    Seventeen years, five months. Zero warming.

  34. CruisingTroll
    February 7th, 2014 @ 7:08 pm

    When you’re in Vegas, you can hit In N Out (sucks IMNHO), Fatburger (awesome), Steak & Shake (in the South Point), Johnny Rockers (like Steak & Shake, in some other casino). Also, on the Cheap Eats aka Fast Food side, don’t miss Jack In The Box.

    As far as Smashburger goes, they’re fairly good, not great. The best thing is their Sweet Potato Fries w/ Rosemary. Yummmm.

    For true Burger-riffic joy, Southern California is the place to go. There are so many small burger chains and even single burger joints down there it’s almost heaven.

  35. CruisingTroll
    February 7th, 2014 @ 7:11 pm

    Agree on 5 Guys. I spent 12 dollars there for Burger, Fries and Cherry Coke yesterday. It was good, but not that good. It’s not really the burger that’s vastly overpriced, its the fries and soda. Also, the “bury your burger in the bag under a bunch of fries” thing almost sent me ballistic. Next time in the mood for a burger change of pace and head over there, I’m going to ask for the burger in a separate bag…

  36. CruisingTroll
    February 7th, 2014 @ 7:15 pm

    I despise those machines. They are slower to use, the bottom of my cup invariably gets soda on it from the last mook to use it, and worst of all, the “Cherry” Coke tastes nothing like real Cherry Coke.

    Yeah, the variety is nice, but trying to pass Coke with generic cherry flavoring off as Cherry Coke is almost criminal. Were I World Emperor, it WOULD be criminal.

  37. CruisingTroll
    February 7th, 2014 @ 7:17 pm

    You can get Whataburgers as far west as Texas, perhaps even New Mexico. They were in Las Vegas for a bit WAY back in the day, but no more.

  38. CruisingTroll
    February 7th, 2014 @ 7:19 pm

    It’s the green chiles that do it. Green chiles add so much to a burger that you can get them on the cheeseburger and/or double cheeseburger in there NM.

  39. richard mcenroe
    February 7th, 2014 @ 8:22 pm

    you won the football games we stole your cars from the parking. it’s a wash.

  40. WarEagle82
    February 7th, 2014 @ 8:33 pm

    Missing from your review.

    BRB Burger in Reston Town Center. On my scale is is even or a little better than 5 Guys.

    Elevation Burger which in my mind is not as good as 5 Guys but my kids love it.

    Fuddruckers used to be a favorite but it has dropped in my scale well below 5 Guys but others seem to like it.

    The Counter also in Reston Town Center would rate high in taste but the portions are tiny and the price is outrageous. Also, I don’t think it is a chain and you seem to be focused on chains.

    Cheeseburger Cheeseburger is not far below 5 Guys in most categories. They are a chain but I know of only one out in Sterling.

    Silver Diner makes a very good burger though this is NOT a burger joint.

    Johnny Rockets is nothing special though I have turned to it when there were no other options.

    Foster’s Grill is better than Johnny Rockets but not as good as 5 Guys. Price isn’t too bad these days.

    Just a few thoughts on the subject…

  41. Gospace
    February 7th, 2014 @ 8:49 pm

    Five Guys- vastly overrated. My first experience there yielded an overdry well done burger- well done because they have succumbed to the “people can’t eat what they want” police. Fuddruckers and Ruby Tuesday’s still allow us all to order rare hamburgers. And Ruby Tuesdays triple prime burger is fantastic.
    Sometimes I can get the local Red Robins to leave some trace of pink.
    I a willing to take my life into my hands and eat burgers that are red on the inside. If I am going to pay more then McDonalds prices for a burger- I want it my way- rare.

  42. Gospace
    February 7th, 2014 @ 8:56 pm

    I liiked Cheeseburger Cheeseburger. They allow you order rare. My wife didn’t, for one of the reasons I did. Greasy burgers that slide right down… They really were greasy. And tasty.

  43. Dana
    February 7th, 2014 @ 9:03 pm

    Absotively, posilutely babelicious!

  44. Wombat_socho
    February 8th, 2014 @ 12:19 am

    It should actually be a chili cheese dog on a Lenten Friday.

  45. M. Thompson
    February 8th, 2014 @ 12:21 am

    I forgot. Hail, Eris!

    And it should be washed down with a beer as well.

  46. Wombat_socho
    February 8th, 2014 @ 12:21 am

    I suffered from a Led overdose back in ’83 when I got out of the Army and came home to DC. The sole remaining rock station’s playlist seemingly had every third song as a Zep song, and that got very old very fast. I meant what I wrote and I wrote what I meant.

  47. Wombat_socho
    February 8th, 2014 @ 12:22 am

    There was (and maybe still is) a Johnny Rocket’s in the Mall of America up in Minnesota. It was meh.

  48. Wombat_socho
    February 8th, 2014 @ 12:24 am

    I’ve been to Cheeburger Cheeburger. Points off for being a Pepsi joint, but other than that the burgers are pretty good. Agree about The Counter and Foster’s, though Foster’s (and Reston for that matter) are way outside my normal stomping grounds.

  49. Wombat_socho
    February 8th, 2014 @ 12:25 am

    Which is a reasonable attitude, though I myself prefer my burgers well done.

  50. richard mcenroe
    February 8th, 2014 @ 11:26 am

    they’d reduced their game burger menu the last I went there before bolting to TX.