The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Testosterone-Deficient Gamma Male Whines About the ‘Friend Zone’

Posted on | April 20, 2014 | 205 Comments

Chris Tognotti (@ctognotti) offers a lesson in Darwinian selection by the obverse example of How to Fail:

Why Don’t Women Like Me Back? On Always
Being the Guy Who’s Just a Friend

Hello. My name is Christopher Tognotti, and I’m no good with women.
This is a slight generalization, perhaps, but that’s how it feels. Whether I’ve been bright-eyed or gloomy, fat or slender, young(er) or old(er), the ladies have never seemed to love me quite as much as I love them. My days as a fit gym employee involved no more fulfilled loves than my days now as a portly writer.
Let me lay it on the line: At nearly 28 years old, I’ve never been in a proper relationship. Even further — I’ve never actually been on a date with anyone I felt a real flare of passion for.

OK, here’s your first big clue: Tognotti’s complaint is not that he gets zero action, but rather that he can’t get any action from girls he actually finds attractive. His problem, therefore, is that he imagines himself entitled to be with good-looking women, rather than being forced to make do with the ordinary-looking women who are actually interested in him. Tognotti continues whining:

I’m not virginal in any other sense, but at least for me, the emotional droughts feel much worse than the sexual ones.
Many people I know can measure out sections of their adult lives by the benchmarks of sustained, serious relationships, and that’s an ability I find myself brutally envious of. I’ve cried over the feelings and experiences I’ve longed to have, and cried to the people who, one way or another, haven’t provided them.

(Crying over your feelings? Are your testicles malfunctioning?)

That’s not to say I haven’t spent time with women I’ve liked or fallen for. I’ve been more or less surrounded with women since my childhood, having always gotten along more easily and naturally with girls than boys.

(Because you’re a total Gamma.)

As you might expect, I’ve sometimes found myself smitten; a situation considerably more perilous when the person you desire is also your friend. Which is to say, someone with whom you might be wrecking something that’s already pretty good.
I have a handful of images frozen in mind of the moments at which I’ve told people how I truly felt about them. I’ve become adept at reading the language of rejection: It’s most often been the eyes where the answer comes first, while the face stays still. You’d be shocked how easily the thought I really like you as a person but I’m not attracted or interested in dating you can be conveyed with just the flicker of an eyelid.

(It can also be conveyed with a restraining order.)

“Local heterosexual white man dissatisfied with love life.” I know, some headlines aren’t as grabbing as others. There is at least one way in which I’m not dissatisfied however: my own ability to weather life and love’s disappointments, and to never blame the women who reject me in the process.
Perhaps you’ve heard this story before, of a self-proclaimed “nice guy” who feels miffed by the romantic inattention of a close female friend. But assumptions that the alleged “nice guy” may be making — feeling aggrieved, maybe even angry, that she couldn’t be more open-minded, or see how great a couple they’d be — fall perilously short of anything describable as “nice.”

(At least you acknowledge this problem. Too many “nice guy” types fail to acknowledge the element of envious selfishness in their resentments of romantically successful men.)

Vehemently complaining that a woman is dating somebody else instead of you hinges on the assumption that she’d want to date you otherwise. I understand the impulse, even the drive to convince oneself that such a romance could flourish.
And it’s true — friendships can sometimes lead to pretty awesome relationships — or so I’m told. But if a man is basically complaining that female friends aren’t actively seeking to repay their platonic kindness with sex, then let me say, clearly and loudly: that attitude is full of sh*t.
Sometimes, the answer to the question “why don’t they love me?” is best given simply: because they don’t. The amount of mental exhaustion I’ve put myself through in dodging this truth is embarrassing in retrospect.

(Almost as embarrassing as this column is, in the present tense.)

I owe immeasurable amounts of my life’s happiness and well-being to women who’ve never been anything but my friends. Those relationships, and the experiences shared within them, are not consolation prizes, or pathetic stepping-stones. Unless, of course, you decide to treat them as such.
I’d love to end this on a note of some burgeoning optimism. But in truth, I can’t. It simply wouldn’t feel true to my heart, my state of mind, or my expectations right now.

(This need you feel to be “true to your heart,” much like your pathetic gratitude for mere friendship from females, is almost certainly symptomatic of a testosterone deficiency.)

But I’m buoyed by the knowledge that all things change in time, and that what (or who) waits around the corner could also be a pleasant surprise. It might sound small, but if dime-store optimism is the best I can muster, I’ll try to take it, every time. In that way, I’ll always be a romantic.

You’ll always be a loser, too. Look, I don’t have time today to run a Game Seminar for Losers, so let me cut to the heart of your problem, Chris: You’re overestimating your range.

Suppose a guy’s overall attractiveness — including all possible factors, including income, personality, etc. — is 5 on a scale of 10.

As a general rule, a 5 male’s romantic prospects are seldom going to include women who would rank as high as an 8. The best such a guy can realistically hope for is to catch a 7 in a vulnerable moment and if he doesn’t want to be hopelessly lonely while waiting for that lucky shot to come along, Mr. 5 would be wise to seek companionship among females ranking 5 or below. The very nature of Chris Tognotti’s “nice guy” complaint tells you that he’s not playing that way.

When Tognotti says he will “always be a romantic,” what he means is that he will keep hanging around good-looking women who are entirely out of his range, hoping someday to fulfill his unrealistic fantasy that they will reciprocate his interest.

The problem is not their superficiality, but his.

He’s basically a stalker, a romantic voyeur, dishonestly using the “friend zone” as an excuse to get close to women in a non-sexual context, secretly hoping that he can then exploit this proximity to convert a girl friend into a girlfriend. But when he finally works up the gumption to express his secret purpose, not only are his overtures unwelcome, but his female friend feels understandably betrayed: If she had known his interest in her was erotic, she never would have let this pitiful scrub into her “friend zone” to begin with.

So, if I had to give Chris Tognotti any one piece of advice, it would be this: Next time your “romantic” nature leads you to pursue a phony friendship with a girl who’s way out of your league, first find out if she’s got a fat friend, and date the fat girl instead.

You need to come to grips with your own inadequacy, Chris. Unless you do that, you’ll probably end up as a serial killer.

Also, visit an endocrinologist and find out what’s causing your testosterone deficiency. This weeping nelly act is not attractive.

 

Comments

205 Responses to “Testosterone-Deficient Gamma Male Whines About the ‘Friend Zone’”

  1. Rosalie
    April 20th, 2014 @ 4:24 pm

    I give your advice to this guy a 10. LOL several times. It might do him some good to read it.

  2. Jeanette Victoria
    April 20th, 2014 @ 4:34 pm

    A “man” whinging on Huffpo what red- blooded REAL woman would any anything do with such a looser

  3. TiminAL
    April 20th, 2014 @ 4:49 pm

    That’s the funniest thing I’ve read yet this month. Thanks for that!!

  4. Quartermaster
    April 20th, 2014 @ 5:01 pm

    If you take away all the enhancements the majority of those 8-10 women have, you most often get just an ordinary woman. There ain’t nothing wrong with an ordinary woman.

    This is not to say that a guy who is a 5 in looks can’t get an 8, but he’d better have something on the ball, and you won’t be acting like zeta male.

    There’s nothing wrong with the friend zone either. That’s where the relationships that lead to marriage start.

  5. badanov
    April 20th, 2014 @ 5:17 pm

    Chris can donate his testicles to a more deserving male, since he is not using them anymore.

  6. richard mcenroe
    April 20th, 2014 @ 5:43 pm

    “I’ve been more or less surrounded with women since my childhood, having
    always gotten along more easily and naturally with girls than boys.”

    In short you bring nothing different into their lives.

  7. Colorado Alex
    April 20th, 2014 @ 5:46 pm

    If you don’t like your dating prospects, change them. Find a new social circle or new activities. Hit the gym and the books and improve yourself physically and mentally. Learn new skills, especially ones that can be deployed in social situations. Women aren’t looking for another girlfriend, they’re looking for a man who complements them and allows them to be themselves fully. Be a happy warrior.

    Yes, being in the friend zone can suck, but only if you wallow there. I’m friends with several women that I’ve made clear to that I am interested in. For a variety of reasons dating was not possible, so I moved on. I didn’t carry a torch, I enjoyed their friendship for its own sake. If something were to change, I would certainly be open to a relationship with one of them, but I don’t spend my days pining over it.

  8. Julie Pascal
    April 20th, 2014 @ 6:23 pm

    Ah but… if he goes after a woman that is actually possible, he risks *real* rejection. Insecurity is a human condition, and one of the best ways to deal with that is to remain in situations where you are safe.

  9. tlk244182
    April 20th, 2014 @ 6:36 pm

    One of my sharpest regrets is my failure to appreciate the hidden (from me) value of several “ordinary” women who were interested in me thirty-five years ago, and who would have made fine wives. I was such an asshole back then.

  10. Robespierre92
    April 20th, 2014 @ 6:41 pm

    You actually dedicated a couple of thousand words to this? Why? So you could feel better about yourself? Christ, you’re a prick.

  11. Wombat_socho
    April 20th, 2014 @ 6:42 pm

    They’re obviously not functioning at 100%; who would want them?

  12. Wombat_socho
    April 20th, 2014 @ 6:42 pm

    And you’re an idiot. So long, chump.

  13. Dana
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:19 pm

    Alas! Our esteemed host missed the target, big time. While it’s always possible that Mr Tognotti has spent too much time pining after women who are out of his league, and not enough being realistic about his own “number,” his real problem is that he is a “nice guy,” and doesn’t know how to talk to women as a hot, aggressive stud. When he wrote:

    I’ve cried over the feelings and experiences I’ve longed to have, and cried to the people who, one way or another, haven’t provided them,

    he was telling the truth: that he’s a crybaby, and crybabies don’t normally make women hot to trot. So, he’s a 5 (maybe), but women who are in the same attractiveness range still want a guy who turns them on.

    There are only two possible outcomes for this young man: either he will wind up as the second husband of a desperate woman, whose bad boy first husband — assuming he ever married her in the first place — left her with two kids to feed and no support at all, a woman who needs a husband on whom she can depend to go to work every day, and a woman he’ll be lucky if she doesn’t wind up cheating on him (though he’ll stay with her anyway), or he’ll never find a wife, period.

    How do I know? I’ve seen these guys before! I’ve heard them lament that girls don’t want “nice guys,” and in a lot of cases, that’s right; they want the ones who make them all hot and moist. Mr Tognotti simply doesn’t.

  14. John Farrier
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:21 pm

    This is good advice. To an extent, I used to be like Tognotti. So I will add to the advice: if you’re friendzoned, jump out of it. Arguably you shouldn’t have single female friends your own age at all. If you approach a woman and she friendzones you, move on to another woman. No good can come from hanging out in the friendzone.

    Men need friendships with men to learn how to act like men that appeal to women.

    I’ve been happily married for 10 years. So, thankfully, this isn’t an issue for me anymore. I’m a friend to my wife. But I only became her friend after dating her–not before.

  15. Dana
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:21 pm

    Yup, exactly right!

  16. DaveO
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:23 pm

    One thing Gammaboy can do is stop being gamma and go Alpha. Chicks did Alphas and will anything and everything to be near one – whether the dude is a 5 on a scale of 10, and she’s an 11. Bubba Clinton, Adolph Hitler, Louis XIV, Teddy Kennedy: monsters that women can’t get enough of, and lesbians will open themselves to.
    If you find being a serial rapist or mass murderer a bit extreme, then:
    Go, jump out of perfectly safe aircraft. Go, hunt dangerous animals and mount their heads on your wall. Go, run a marathon, or better: compete in a triathalon. Go, be well travelled with a passport full of stamps – not to the Bahamas, but Kenya, India, and Peru. Go, be well read and believe in and trust in a philosophy that ensures you will leave a mark in history, not the skidmarks of a gamma facing a tough opponent in a game of gin. Go, and learn how to be a bartender, and learn to listen, and mix a mean martini.
    And never write an article about how gamma one is, but only how one used to be.

  17. John Farrier
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:24 pm

    Bingo.

    This is a problem that Tognotti needs to address.

  18. Animal
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:24 pm

    What testicles?

  19. Dana
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:25 pm

    Mr O, he doesn’t have a chance, because some things can’t be faked.

  20. Quartermaster
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:32 pm

    The hottest woman in the world is one who is a good match for your personality, who takes your loves and returns it in spades.

  21. Quartermaster
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:32 pm

    Now, now. She would do something. Ignore him for one.

  22. Jeanette Victoria
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:35 pm

    True that!

  23. Quartermaster
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:36 pm

    You misspelled “dat.”

  24. Jeanette Victoria
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:37 pm

    LOL You know some real women have done those things as well. Which is why we want a man to be a BETTER man than we are.

  25. Quartermaster
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:39 pm

    The FriendZone is where it begins. What the PUA calls the friend zone is not the same thing – it’s simply a classification that says “ignore this one”. I’ve been married 39 years and I started in the FriendZone with mine. I’m still there.

  26. Jeanette Victoria
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:41 pm

    But nice guys can also be real men. I’m married to one. Retired military, biker, tatts, shoots and a man who is a Christian and a Biblical scholar. LOL strange women used to follow him home and throw themselves at him.

  27. DYSPEPSIA GENERATION » Blog Archive » Testosterone-Deficient Gamma Male Whines About the ‘Friend Zone’
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:43 pm

    […] The Other McCain is not impressed. […]

  28. Jeanette Victoria
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:44 pm

    I thought liberal woman liked boys in jammies just sayin’

  29. Anamika
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:52 pm

    Fatherhood translates into a lower level of testosterone hence the (conditional) change in behavior. So a testosterone lowering drug added to tap water might be the best solution yet, for a more peaceful male behavior.

  30. Dana
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:56 pm

    Mandrake, have you ever wondered why I drink only distilled water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol?

  31. Art Deco
    April 20th, 2014 @ 7:59 pm

    He has a point. There is something weirdly gratuitous and brutal about this post.

  32. John Farrier
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:06 pm

    I’m curious: how did you accomplish this?

  33. Anamika
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:18 pm

    This may be counter-intuitive!
    “Behavioural research on testosterone is, if anything, inconsistent. Highly inconsistent. And a bit surprising too. Some studies found that high pre-natal exposure to testosterone leads to more generous game offers in men and women (a.k.a charity). Others have concluded that,when testosterone is artificially enhanced, men become less generous, more vengeful and antisocial. Yet others still have suggested that hypogonadal males (a.k.a low testosterone-producing males) who had their testosterone increased saw no jump in aggressive behaviour, and in fact became more friendly, energetic and, well, happy.http://www.nature.com/scitable/blog/cognoculture/testosterone_and_human_aggression_or_180520

    I believe it …the legend that the bonobo apes are more peaceful because the female is available for fuck to all males at all times … this is preposterous, the gorilla with very complex paterns of mating and female/male exclusive relationship is the most peaceful animal; and i’m sure his testosterone raises very high too. Look at a tennis tournament the testosterone level of the players raise as they win from 1/8 final to 1/4 final to semi-final to final, …i don’t think a winner with high level of testosterone is liable to be a criminal in the crowds, rather a looser with low level of self-confidence and high level of self/others-hatred.

  34. Eric Ashley
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:26 pm

    Bzzt. Typical female shoot the wounded with a dose the glory of female intuition.

  35. Anamika
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:31 pm

    I believe it …the legend that the bonobo apes are more peaceful because the female is available for fuck to all males at all times … this is preposterous, the gorilla with very complex patterns of mating and female/male exclusive relationship is the most peaceful animal; and I’m sure his testosterone raises very high too. Look at a tennis tournament the testosterone level of the players raise as they win from 1/8 final to 1/4 final to semi-final to final, …i don’t think a winner with high level of testosterone is liable to be a criminal in the crowds, rather a looser with low level of self-confidence and high level of self/others-hatred.

  36. Adjoran
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:33 pm

    So, you are finally recognizing how miserably pathetic these self-pitying butt-hurt posts sound to the world?

    Good!

    Next, we teach you to love classical music:

  37. Adjoran
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:35 pm

    So ends the Era of the Metrosexual Male, not with a Bang, but with a Wimp.

  38. Adjoran
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:38 pm

    Well, before he inserted the Koestler quote under the blog title, he used to use “Weirdly gratuitous and brutal” as the tag line.

    Okay, not really.

  39. Zohydro
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:45 pm

    Maybe somewhere, perhaps at least of one of those radical feminist trollops is “bi-curious” and he could score there…

  40. Zohydro
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:47 pm

    Don’t be so hard on yourself… You’re in a big club, mate!

  41. DaveO
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:48 pm

    Exactly – and that’s why having a sense of humor is key. After I earned my jump wings, I was assigned to the 101st Airborne, home of the Screaming Eagles. When I asked why the Blackhats said it was because I screamed like an eagle and fell like a rock.

  42. Quartermaster
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:54 pm

    By being a friend first.

  43. Quartermaster
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:56 pm

    I’m sure Dvorak is spinning supersonically in his grave over that one.

  44. Dana
    April 20th, 2014 @ 8:58 pm

    Here are the women he wants, but will never have. Only Kentucky girls are prettier than the ones from the Lone Star State!

  45. Dana
    April 20th, 2014 @ 9:00 pm

    Even the lib’rul girls want cowboys!

  46. Rosalie
    April 20th, 2014 @ 9:05 pm

    “We get too soon old and too late smart”. (An old Amish saying). I think we can all relate to that.

  47. Dana
    April 20th, 2014 @ 9:08 pm

    And Trace Adkins explains the metrosexuals’ problem:

  48. Daniel O'Brien
    April 20th, 2014 @ 9:08 pm

    Japanese women…. 🙂

  49. Zohydro
    April 20th, 2014 @ 9:20 pm

    He’s HUGE in South Korea!

  50. Julie Pascal
    April 20th, 2014 @ 9:26 pm

    So it’s like alcohol? The way you are drunk, is *you*, just on steroids? If you’re nice, you stay nice drunk. If you’re a jerk, you get even jerkier?