The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Testosterone-Deficient Gamma Male Whines About the ‘Friend Zone’

Posted on | April 20, 2014 | 205 Comments

Chris Tognotti (@ctognotti) offers a lesson in Darwinian selection by the obverse example of How to Fail:

Why Don’t Women Like Me Back? On Always
Being the Guy Who’s Just a Friend

Hello. My name is Christopher Tognotti, and I’m no good with women.
This is a slight generalization, perhaps, but that’s how it feels. Whether I’ve been bright-eyed or gloomy, fat or slender, young(er) or old(er), the ladies have never seemed to love me quite as much as I love them. My days as a fit gym employee involved no more fulfilled loves than my days now as a portly writer.
Let me lay it on the line: At nearly 28 years old, I’ve never been in a proper relationship. Even further — I’ve never actually been on a date with anyone I felt a real flare of passion for.

OK, here’s your first big clue: Tognotti’s complaint is not that he gets zero action, but rather that he can’t get any action from girls he actually finds attractive. His problem, therefore, is that he imagines himself entitled to be with good-looking women, rather than being forced to make do with the ordinary-looking women who are actually interested in him. Tognotti continues whining:

I’m not virginal in any other sense, but at least for me, the emotional droughts feel much worse than the sexual ones.
Many people I know can measure out sections of their adult lives by the benchmarks of sustained, serious relationships, and that’s an ability I find myself brutally envious of. I’ve cried over the feelings and experiences I’ve longed to have, and cried to the people who, one way or another, haven’t provided them.

(Crying over your feelings? Are your testicles malfunctioning?)

That’s not to say I haven’t spent time with women I’ve liked or fallen for. I’ve been more or less surrounded with women since my childhood, having always gotten along more easily and naturally with girls than boys.

(Because you’re a total Gamma.)

As you might expect, I’ve sometimes found myself smitten; a situation considerably more perilous when the person you desire is also your friend. Which is to say, someone with whom you might be wrecking something that’s already pretty good.
I have a handful of images frozen in mind of the moments at which I’ve told people how I truly felt about them. I’ve become adept at reading the language of rejection: It’s most often been the eyes where the answer comes first, while the face stays still. You’d be shocked how easily the thought I really like you as a person but I’m not attracted or interested in dating you can be conveyed with just the flicker of an eyelid.

(It can also be conveyed with a restraining order.)

“Local heterosexual white man dissatisfied with love life.” I know, some headlines aren’t as grabbing as others. There is at least one way in which I’m not dissatisfied however: my own ability to weather life and love’s disappointments, and to never blame the women who reject me in the process.
Perhaps you’ve heard this story before, of a self-proclaimed “nice guy” who feels miffed by the romantic inattention of a close female friend. But assumptions that the alleged “nice guy” may be making — feeling aggrieved, maybe even angry, that she couldn’t be more open-minded, or see how great a couple they’d be — fall perilously short of anything describable as “nice.”

(At least you acknowledge this problem. Too many “nice guy” types fail to acknowledge the element of envious selfishness in their resentments of romantically successful men.)

Vehemently complaining that a woman is dating somebody else instead of you hinges on the assumption that she’d want to date you otherwise. I understand the impulse, even the drive to convince oneself that such a romance could flourish.
And it’s true — friendships can sometimes lead to pretty awesome relationships — or so I’m told. But if a man is basically complaining that female friends aren’t actively seeking to repay their platonic kindness with sex, then let me say, clearly and loudly: that attitude is full of sh*t.
Sometimes, the answer to the question “why don’t they love me?” is best given simply: because they don’t. The amount of mental exhaustion I’ve put myself through in dodging this truth is embarrassing in retrospect.

(Almost as embarrassing as this column is, in the present tense.)

I owe immeasurable amounts of my life’s happiness and well-being to women who’ve never been anything but my friends. Those relationships, and the experiences shared within them, are not consolation prizes, or pathetic stepping-stones. Unless, of course, you decide to treat them as such.
I’d love to end this on a note of some burgeoning optimism. But in truth, I can’t. It simply wouldn’t feel true to my heart, my state of mind, or my expectations right now.

(This need you feel to be “true to your heart,” much like your pathetic gratitude for mere friendship from females, is almost certainly symptomatic of a testosterone deficiency.)

But I’m buoyed by the knowledge that all things change in time, and that what (or who) waits around the corner could also be a pleasant surprise. It might sound small, but if dime-store optimism is the best I can muster, I’ll try to take it, every time. In that way, I’ll always be a romantic.

You’ll always be a loser, too. Look, I don’t have time today to run a Game Seminar for Losers, so let me cut to the heart of your problem, Chris: You’re overestimating your range.

Suppose a guy’s overall attractiveness — including all possible factors, including income, personality, etc. — is 5 on a scale of 10.

As a general rule, a 5 male’s romantic prospects are seldom going to include women who would rank as high as an 8. The best such a guy can realistically hope for is to catch a 7 in a vulnerable moment and if he doesn’t want to be hopelessly lonely while waiting for that lucky shot to come along, Mr. 5 would be wise to seek companionship among females ranking 5 or below. The very nature of Chris Tognotti’s “nice guy” complaint tells you that he’s not playing that way.

When Tognotti says he will “always be a romantic,” what he means is that he will keep hanging around good-looking women who are entirely out of his range, hoping someday to fulfill his unrealistic fantasy that they will reciprocate his interest.

The problem is not their superficiality, but his.

He’s basically a stalker, a romantic voyeur, dishonestly using the “friend zone” as an excuse to get close to women in a non-sexual context, secretly hoping that he can then exploit this proximity to convert a girl friend into a girlfriend. But when he finally works up the gumption to express his secret purpose, not only are his overtures unwelcome, but his female friend feels understandably betrayed: If she had known his interest in her was erotic, she never would have let this pitiful scrub into her “friend zone” to begin with.

So, if I had to give Chris Tognotti any one piece of advice, it would be this: Next time your “romantic” nature leads you to pursue a phony friendship with a girl who’s way out of your league, first find out if she’s got a fat friend, and date the fat girl instead.

You need to come to grips with your own inadequacy, Chris. Unless you do that, you’ll probably end up as a serial killer.

Also, visit an endocrinologist and find out what’s causing your testosterone deficiency. This weeping nelly act is not attractive.

 

Comments

205 Responses to “Testosterone-Deficient Gamma Male Whines About the ‘Friend Zone’”

  1. Quartermaster
    April 21st, 2014 @ 4:15 pm

    Doesn’t sound that way to me.

  2. Quartermaster
    April 21st, 2014 @ 4:19 pm

    You clearly need to DRINK MOAR!

  3. Quartermaster
    April 21st, 2014 @ 4:20 pm

    Admitting is the first stop on the way to recovery. Glad to see you do it. You’ll feel a lot better for it.

  4. Quartermaster
    April 21st, 2014 @ 4:21 pm

    Nah. Pete is faithful and would stay with you.

  5. Dana
    April 21st, 2014 @ 7:52 pm

    I’ve seen the results as MBA schools pushed the notion of “leadership teams.” The results were usually poor.

  6. Dana
    April 21st, 2014 @ 7:55 pm

    Yeah: no one.

  7. Jeanette Victoria
    April 21st, 2014 @ 9:21 pm

    I bet this “man” has feelings that he likes to share

  8. Jeanette Victoria
    April 21st, 2014 @ 9:23 pm

    My first husband was 5’7″ and overweight and but he was very masculine ex special forces

  9. Jeanette Victoria
    April 21st, 2014 @ 9:30 pm

    This is coming from a woman who has never had any problems dating so take it for what it is worth. I never paid very much attention to looks height or income. What I didn’t want was some “sensitive” metrosexual who shared his feelings. ick. I wanted a guy, a real guy and it seems that is all I attracted pretty much all were military. And I never once made any effort to find military men.

    It’s all attitude.

  10. Jeanette Victoria
    April 21st, 2014 @ 10:00 pm

    HEH!!

  11. Jeanette Victoria
    April 21st, 2014 @ 10:02 pm

    Another girly man

  12. In which Stacy McCain takes up for single women everywhere | The Fog of Law
    April 21st, 2014 @ 10:18 pm

    […] It is rare to hear truth spoken (or written) so plainly, but there is no clearer explanation of why women recoil at the travails of “nice guys” than this: […]

  13. Bob Belvedere
    April 21st, 2014 @ 11:46 pm

    Looks like Wombat or Stacy is doing a Jeff Goldstein – bravo on the re-writes!

  14. Eric Ashley
    April 21st, 2014 @ 11:54 pm

    Leadership is singular. A committee or ‘leadership team’ messing up is not guaranteed, but it is the most likely outcome.

    This is ‘shoot the wounded’. You both claim little can be done for those messed up. So, let’s just put them out of their misery.

    A female wants to believe she can instantly evaluate the worth of a guy, and that his knowing a few tricks could not totally change his apparent value. But thats a delusion on her part.

  15. Wombat_socho
    April 21st, 2014 @ 11:54 pm

    Although sometimes editing their comments to “clarify” the meaning is fun too. 🙂

  16. Male Feminist
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 12:56 am

    http://www.osborneink.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/stacy-mccain.jpg

    So, this guy, Robert Stacy Mccain, is an alpha male huh? Seriously? This is the guy that’s going to teach a young 20 something how to pick up women?

    This guy makes up a bunch of sexist crap and pretends he’s Bruce Willis with a 10 inch cock. The truth of the matter is that this geriatric probably hasn’t fucked anyone since Jimmy Carter was president. Maybe he begs his despondent troll of a wife to rub his pecker once a year on his birthday or he’s found a hooker with low standards. But he doesn’t have any idea how to pick up women in the real world.

    This blog is just a place for sexist assholes to lie about their “sexual prowess.” Judging from his views on women, I doubt he’s ever slept with a woman without lying to her. You might be able to trick other idiots on the internet into thinking
    you’re Don Juan, but anyone with common sense should be able to recognize you as a sad old man who hasn’t had female attention since the last millennium. I encourage you wake up to the 21st century and realize that this isn’t the 1960’s of your youth. The world has changed in the last 50 years.

    Robert Stacy Mccain, I’m a feminist and I’m more of a man than you could ever be. I love women with a passion and pleasure you’ll never understand. In the end, you and all your followers are just a depressing reminder of a dying sexist, racist, and homophobic generation. Enjoy your final throws of bigotry before while you can. Soon enough, the world will be a better place because it will be rid of you.

  17. bridget
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 9:03 am

    Wow, Stacy, you hit a nerve here. But now it’s easy to tell which of your commenters think they are entitled to hot women because they are “nice.”

  18. Eric Ashley
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 9:20 am

    My list of evidences as follows:
    1. Hot wife. But he was admittedly scrawny so he had something going for him. It certainly wasn’t money.
    2. Asst. Ed. at a major newspaper which is not a job for the faint of heart.
    3. Lots of kids.
    4. One kid in Rangers or headed to, I think.
    5. Perfectly willing to get into it with anyone on his blog.
    6. He’s a Southerner.

  19. ajpwriter
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 10:34 am

    Of all the masses of projection, sweeping generalizations, and sheer prick-waving, this one has gotten me closest to buzzword bingo.

    So thanks for that, you manly-man, feminist stud you.

  20. ajpwriter
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 10:34 am

    Of all the masses of projection, sweeping generalizations, and sheer prick-waving, this one has gotten me closest to buzzword bingo.

    So thanks for that, you manly-man, feminist stud you.

  21. Art Deco
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 11:42 am

    This fellow Tognatti never suggested he was entitled to anything and the notion that his problem is that he is attempting to attract women out of his league is an interpolation of moderator and the peanut gallery here, not derived from anything he actually said. (This is not the first time the moderator has offered this sort of commentary and it was not any more valid the last time he offered it).

    When you have large cultural shifts (and you’ve had a couple in the last 50-odd years), it benefits people of certain dispositions and injures the interests of others. That aside, what renders people salable in social settings (and neglected in others and abused in others) is only haphazardly associated with personal virtues (as we can recall from high school, which the moderator’s attitude does call to mind).

    I would have suggested to this fellow that, as a matter of personal dignity, he not be revealing in this manner. Still, his problems are his problems and his sense of matters is what it is. I am not sure what purpose is served by rubbing his nose in his disappointments and failures (other than the moderator’s sheer joy in doing it, which is sort of strange since the fellow in question is a perfect stranger and not engaged in any sort of deplorable activity).

  22. Wombat_socho
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 12:22 pm

    FTFY, “mafiajennifer”. Bye now.

  23. bridget
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 12:28 pm

    Art Deco, I respectfully disagree.

    I have come across this attitude many times – “I’m so nice, why can’t I bed hot women? They are all so shallow!” – that I’m struggling to believe that the young man is not complaining about a lack of women so much as a lack of hot women.

    Furthermore, it’s valuable for men like Stacy to snark on this: young women generally feel squeamish about dating men who are guilting them into a romance. Stacy is performing a valuable public service by indirectly reminding young women that they are not under any obligation to act as if their dates are the equivalent of cupcakes in the third grade: everyone gets some of the goodies equally.

  24. Laughs at male "feminists"
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 1:27 pm

    Hey cupcake, I found your theme song! Feel free to whip it out wherever you sashay to next.

    http://youtu.be/-EPGhjxm0G0

  25. Self Appointed Feminist Loud Mouth Amanda Marcotte torments Delta and Gamma Males | Batshit Crazy News
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 1:40 pm

    […] TOM: Testosterone deficient Gamma men […]

  26. Recovering Feminist
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 2:05 pm

    Actually, his problem? Isn’t that he’s a whining feminine boy, or that he’s “nice”. There are countless genuinely nice guys who don’t have gamma male problems and are in committed relationships, even ones who rank pretty low on the attractiveness scale. His problem is that he’s a 28-year-old who hasn’t grown up yet. He’s acting like a petulant 14-year-old, not someone twice that age. And too many “nice” guys mistake their immaturity for “niceness” or “being romantic” but the truth is that they aren’t really very “nice” at all. How “nice” is it to dismiss “ugly” women as “beneath your standards”?

    I’m a little surprised feminists aren’t jumping all over this. He has a pretty shallow, sexist view that only the “hot chicks are worthy of a relationship with him. Perhaps the women around him have picked up on this and know that sort of person is the very LAST kind of man you want in your life for a serious, long term relationship?

  27. Art Deco
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 6:48 pm

    I have come across this attitude

    Just to be precise here, you are attributing him an attitude you’ve come across (or think you’ve come across).

    Furthermore, it’s valuable for men like Stacy to snark on this:

    Rubbish.

  28. Art Deco
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 6:50 pm

    His problem is that he’s a 28-year-old who hasn’t grown up yet. He’s
    acting like a petulant 14-year-old, not someone twice that age.


    If he is employed, making rent, paying his taxes, paying down his debts, and has completed his schooling, he is doing nothing of the sort.

  29. bridget
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 7:10 pm

    Thank you for the detailed, thoughtful reply that cogently answered my points. It is always a special treat to not have to wade through shallow snark on the Internet.

    (eye roll)

  30. Feminist Man
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 7:56 pm

    Robert Stacy McCain is a coward and a liar. He changed my post because I disagreed with him. I posted as “Male Feminist” and I challenged him to explain how he was an authority on alpha males and dating women. He changed the post to some nonsense about how he’s “an alpha male among alpha males.” Then he blocked my account so I couldn’t respond.

    This whole blog is a sham. McCain doesn’t have the intelligence or courage to engage in real debate with people that disagree with him. He uses guest accounts to post supportive information and then changes the posts of anyone who disagrees with him. Let’s wait and see how long it takes him to change this one. Last time it was less than 12 hours.

  31. Feminist Man
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 8:04 pm

    Eric, thanks for actually responding to my post with a real counter-argument. Sincerely, you seem to be more intelligent than the typical poster on this blog. I still disagree with you and your definition of alpha male but it’s refreshing to get a real response. I would explain more about my opinion but Robert Stacy McCain is probably going to change this post and then block me like he did to my previous post.

  32. Jackson
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 8:15 pm

    Are those teeth? He looks like a meth head. I guess if you have meth to share that makes you an “alpha” amongst female meth heads?

  33. JacksonB
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 8:18 pm

    You’re wasting your time. This blog is full of demented religious fundamentalists, angry homophobes, bitter old men who cant get it up without Viagra, and babynapper Jeanette Runyon.

  34. Jeanette Victoria
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 10:22 pm

    LOL it’s Ondrea. How pathetic that she is so obsessed with me

  35. Jeanette Victoria
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 10:53 pm

    AnotherDumbBlogPost is a progressive woman who has several failed marriages and relationships, Real men steer clear of her

  36. Jeanette Victoria
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 11:07 pm

    AnotherDumbBlogPost Is a fat feminist woman who claims to want a sensitive man but her behavior towards such men show she has contempt for them.

  37. Wombat_socho
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 11:28 pm

    Stacy outsources that kind of thing, in case you hadn’t noticed. *whack*

  38. Wombat_socho
    April 22nd, 2014 @ 11:30 pm

    Heh. Sucker.

  39. Paul H. Lemmen
    April 23rd, 2014 @ 7:40 am

    Ah! The sound of “whack-a-troll” in the morning! So soothing, so enjoyable, so just. Good on you Wombat!

  40. Paul H. Lemmen
    April 23rd, 2014 @ 7:48 am

    He will “haz a sad” and start collecting cats …

  41. Paul H. Lemmen
    April 23rd, 2014 @ 7:53 am

    isn’t s/he just?

  42. A Feminist Man
    April 23rd, 2014 @ 9:21 am

    These comments are fake and edited. Robert Stacy McCain gets his cronies, mods, to post fake comments and change any of the comments that present different opinions. He’s a coward who doesn’t believe in free speech or the 1st amendment. His beliefs are so weak that he can’t have any opposing opinions on his blog. Luckily, the American government doesn’t have the same views on free speech as Robert Stacy McCain, so this bigoted blog is allowed to continue. If you want proof, you can look at my last two posts as “Feminist Man” and “Male Feminist”. A mod changed both my posts to be a shrine to Robert Stacy McCain.

    To the people who regularly visit this blog, we might not agree on everything, but surely we can agree in free speech and the right for opposing opinions to be heard.

  43. A Feminist Man
    April 23rd, 2014 @ 9:26 am

    Not a troll. If this blog had let you see my post, you would know that. I asked and I’m still asking for someone to explain how an aging blogger like Robert Stacy McCain is an expert at picking up women being an alpha male. Let’s see how long it takes for them to censor this account and change this post because I have a different opinion

  44. Art Deco
    April 23rd, 2014 @ 12:09 pm

    He’s a coward who doesn’t believe in free speech or the 1st amendment.

    RSM is not an organ of government, so your reference to the 1st Amendment is non sequitur There is no indication he is intimidated by anyone ‘ and it is doubtful his staff are intimidated on his behalf, so the ‘coward’ remark is non sequitur as well.

    (I do agree with you that doctoring people’s comments is cheap; if the comments violate house rules, delete them with a brief remark to that effect).

  45. Jeanette Victoria
    April 23rd, 2014 @ 1:52 pm

    The LUZER has returned as RunyonIsPureEvil seems she doesn’t have much of a life apart from me

  46. Jeanette Victoria
    April 23rd, 2014 @ 3:12 pm

    She deleted this post and changed her twitter nick to @Turloffxxx As long as Ondrea keeps harassing me and stalking by proxy I will keep exposing her

  47. Jeanette Victoria
    April 23rd, 2014 @ 3:12 pm

    She deleted this post and changed her twitter nick to @Turloffxxx As long as Ondrea keeps harassing me and stalking by proxy I will keep exposing her

  48. Wombat_socho
    April 23rd, 2014 @ 4:50 pm

    Respectful debate, si, name-calling and poo-flinging such as you’ve been exhibiting, no. Also, your comments were far more amusing after editing.

  49. Wombat_socho
    April 23rd, 2014 @ 4:56 pm

    Sometimes I do just delete them, especially when time is short. Other times, I enjoy poking idiots with sticks and mocking them.

  50. Art Deco
    April 23rd, 2014 @ 7:22 pm

    Then reply to him, being as amusing as you can manage. You put his handle on your words and it’s a cheat.