My Nobel Peace Prize Gaza Plan

Posted on | July 18, 2014 | 57 Comments

Twenty billion dollars — by my calculations, that’s what it would cost to solve the problem of the Gaza Strip.

The population of Gaza is estimated at slightly more than 1.8 million people. So if we figure $10,000 for every man, woman and child in Gaza, that’s $18,000,000,000, give or take a few hundred million dollars. Add $2 billion for administrative expenses.

The price of a round-trip commercial airline ticket from Tel Aviv to New York, Chicago or Los Angeles is about $2,000. So the cost of transporting the entire population of Gaza to the United States would be less than $4 billion. (Even though these would be one-way trips, you’d have to pay round-trip fare to cover the cost of sending empty planes back to Tel Aviv to pick up more Palestinians.)

Having spent $4,000,000,000 to fly 1.8 million Palestinians from Gaza to America, we would then give the head of each family a check for $8,000 for every man, woman and child. “Mom, dad and three kids? Here’s your check for $40,000. Welcome to America!”

Or imagine the young Palestinian bachelor arriving at LAX, picking up his $8,000 check as he leaves the airport. He calls a cab, books a week’s stay at the Holiday Inn ($133 a night, or less than $1,000 for the week) and still has $7,000 left to help him find his first apartment and look for a job. He could spend $12 for a CD to help him learn English, buy himself a laptop computer for less than $400 — of course, he’s shopping Amazon links at my blog, as a gesture of gratitude to the visionary genius who thought up this brilliant peace plan — and even after he pays the first month’s rent on his new apartment, he still has two or three thousand bucks left to tide him over.

This plan would not merely bring peace — by completely depopulating Gaza — but it would also be an economic stimulus, by the logic of the Obama administration. I mean, they pissed away $800 billion on the 2009 “stimulus” bill, so what’s another $20 billion? Twenty billion dollars is a drop in the bucket. The federal budget for fiscal year 2014 was $3.8 trillion; $20 billion is less than 1% of that.

“But wait a minute,” says the skeptic. “Aren’t you underestimating the potential economic impact of all these new Gaza immigrants?”

Haters gotta hate. Sure, there are xenophobic racists who resent the cost of public services for impoverished immigrants.

If a few hundred Palestinians were to settle in suburban Minneapolis, for example, the local school system would have to absorb the cost of educating their kids, who don’t speak English and may have trouble adjusting to American cultural norms. There might also be costs in terms of police, courts and prisons to deal with the occasional “honor killing” of teenage Palestinian girls who start dressing and behaving like typical American teenage girls. (“What do you mean, you kissed a girl and you liked it? Whore! Infidel!”) And, yes, you hateful bigots probably think the new Gaza refugees will take advantage of the welfare system — food stamps, Medicaid, public housing, etc. — the same way you think other Third World immigrants take advantage of the welfare system.

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the Republican Party leadership say otherwise. They keep telling us that an unrestrained flood of impoverished immigrants who don’t speak English is a net benefit to our national economy, no matter what the impact may be in the local communities where the immigrants settle.

So if a certain neighborhood in your hometown becomes “Little Gaza” — where all the signs on the stores and restaurants are written in Arabic, where all the women and girls are wearing the hijab — this is a small price to pay in terms of the wondrous gains to the U.S. economy that the open-borders lobby keeps telling us about.

We’ll have to ignore the Islamophobic racists, just like we’ll ignore the cheapskates who begrudge a piddling $20 billion to resettle the population of Gaza to America, and don’t listen to those economists (probably subsidized by the Koch Brothers) who criticize my peace plan in terms of “opportunity costs,” blah blah blah.

No, if we really want peace in Gaza, my plan is the only way to go. And once we’ve flown the entire population to America, what do we do with the 139 square miles (88,960 acres) of uninhabited Gaza?

We sell it to Sheldon Adelson.

The Las Vegas casino mogul’s net worth is $37 billion. If you figure the cost of land in Gaza at $10,000 per acre, Adelson could buy the whole place for less than $900 million. Gaza has 30 miles of prime Mediterranean coastline, and in just a few years Adelson could turn Gaza into an international resort destination — luxury hotels, casinos, shopping centers, condos, amusement parks, etc.

Skeptics — why do I always have to bother explaining stuff to you guys? — may wonder: If you’ve completely depopulated Gaza by flying all the people to America, where will Sheldon Adelson find workers to build these new beachfront resorts? Where will he find employees to run the hotels, casinos, restaurants, water slides and roller coasters?

Simple: Bus ’em in from the West Bank.

Two birds with one stone, so to speak.

The wonders of capitalism, combined with the helpful assistance of $20 billion from U.S. taxpayers, can solve the whole problem.

Last time I proposed a Middle East peace plan, Andrew Sullivan nominated me for a “Malkin Award.” But that was five years ago.

This time, I’m ready to go for The Big One.

Call the Nobel Peace Prize committee. Tell ’em you found a winner.

Category: Israel

Comments

57 Responses to “My Nobel Peace Prize Gaza Plan”

Art Deco
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:02 am

Game. Set. Match.
robertstacymccain
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:19 am

The State Department could have figured this out years ago. Obviously, they haven’t been doing enough psilocybin at Foggy Bottom.
Taxpayer1234
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:19 am

I have now had my dose of Gonzo goodness.
radicalreporter
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:26 am

I think a better idea would be to bring all the Israeli jews to America. They won’t depend on welfare as most of them are better economically to gazan’s. And US won’t have to spend $4 billion a year on Israel.
robertstacymccain
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:31 am

Now you’re thinking! See, it doesn’t matter who you hate more — Jews or Arabs — as long as you’re willing to pony up a few billion bucks for peace.
Phil_McG
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:32 am

Why not relocate them to Mexico? I hear it’s practically empty these days.
WarEagle82
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:41 am

I have one small change to your plan. Send them all to Mexico since the whole country will be empty in a month anyway.

If the really want to get here they can hire coyotes like everyone else.
Roundup | Eternity Matters
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:41 am

[…] My Nobel Peace Prize Gaza Plan : The Other McCain. – Clever way to call the bluff of the Left and their irrational Israel-hatred: Offer to relocate everyone in the Gaza strip to the U.S. […]
Quartermaster
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:53 am

My best bud on the Nobel Committee says the nomination is already in the works.
Quartermaster
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:54 am

They have been doing a lot of something. I just don’t know what would produce that level of dementia.
robertstacymccain
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:56 am

It’s a lead-pipe cinch.
CrustyB
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:57 am

“(A)irline ticket from Tel Aviv to New York, Chicago or Los Angeles”

But Stacy, what would we do with all the illegal aliens we’re already hosting??
robertstacymccain
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:58 am

Fuck ’em. Unless they’re firing missiles at civilians in Israel, they don’t really matter.
Matt_SE
July 18th, 2014 @ 11:43 am

Slight suggestion:
We don’t move them into suburban Minneapolis, as the culture shock may be too great.
Instead, we give them their own semi-autonomous pocket of land (like Native Americans) 30 miles outside of Minneapolis. This “state” will be walled to keep out the American interlopers.
We can give them seed money to start businesses they already have experience with, like rocket manufacturing.
Americans can then sit, safely unprotected, outside their homes and watch the pretty “fireworks” on 4th of July. And any other days our new citizens decide to test out their munitions.
Charles
July 18th, 2014 @ 11:49 am

Your plan could route the planes over the Eastern Ukraine, but that would increase the cost per passenger substantially.
Quartermaster
July 18th, 2014 @ 12:14 pm

Oh noes!!! You used “lead-pipe” in a sentence. Everyone, including drug addicts (i.e. DimmoKKKraps), know that’s a weapon. You scotched your nomination.
Blake
July 18th, 2014 @ 12:14 pm

Look, just pack them in, SRO, in a C5 Galaxy Loadmaster. Put a few port-a-potty’s on board and away we go. Use the transport savings to give the families a little larger check.
Lemuel Vargas
July 18th, 2014 @ 12:15 pm

Or we could resettle them in the liberal states…
jdp
July 18th, 2014 @ 12:37 pm

What country wouldn’t exploit the crap out of the fact they have Mediterranean coastline? It’s a goldmine! Beirut was “Paris of the Middle East”! Gaza is chock-full of cool ancient history. A billion people from all over the world would pay cash-money to just walk on the dirt in the West Bank. And yet these places are third world pits of poverty. I’m at a loss as to why that is. Any thoughts?
Lunch with Billary: $500 Gs and Find a Village Idiot | Regular Right Guy
July 18th, 2014 @ 1:51 pm

[…] My Nobel Peace Prize Gaza Plan […]
physicsnut
July 18th, 2014 @ 2:28 pm

why send the planes back empty ? I can think of plenty of obnoxious creeps who ought to be kicked out of this country.

on another note:
They keep calling it a ‘humanitarian crisis’. No – it is an invasion, pure and simple.
The hearings on C-SPAN yesterday on ‘children’ crossing the border had a parade of libs who want us to fix all the problems down there – that we did not count the cost of building courthouses, forensic labs, warehouses for holding evidence – and that it costs about 33,000 bucks for each person we send back. Basically these idiots want each illegal to have a doctor, a shrink, a dentist and a lawyer, never mind all the money it takes to turn Honduras into the USA.

at 5am on NPR they were blabbering the same line about children in Uganda.

This is like Cloward Piven for the entire planet – not just New York.
By the way – the murder rate is higher in Detroit than in Honduras.
So the Media is up to the usual rubbish they dish out. They think they can push the invasion of america off the front page – well, no new info has come out about the jet that was shot down than I heard on bloomberg news at 5pm yesterday. Just distraction. Look for further distractions – because they want to proceed with their planned invasion of the USA.
RS
July 18th, 2014 @ 2:30 pm

Alas, your plan is appealing to Western minds, but in reality is a cargo cult for Islamists. You can’t take people who are stuck philosophically in the Seventh Century and miraculously turn them into 21st Century classical liberals. These are the people who destroyed acres and acres of green houses which the Israelis left for them intact, because they couldn’t bear accepting gifts from the Jews.
RS
July 18th, 2014 @ 2:33 pm

See my comment below about their mindset which is irretrievable. Islam does not allow any sort of “reformation.”

As for the next Cancun in the former land of the Philistines, if it should happen, I intend to go there and open a bar. Tag line: “Raise the Roof at Samson’s!!
Freddie Sykes
July 18th, 2014 @ 3:39 pm

The median age in Gaza is 18. Almost 45% of the population is under 15. Only a third of the population are between 25 and 65. Almost 40% of all workers are public sector employees. The unemployment rate for those aged 25-30 is almost 60% while the overall rate is a little over 30%. Less than 15% of women are active in the workforce.

Yes, these is the group we want to attract to our country since they are so likely to become self sufficient.. One question: why do you hate America?
RichFader
July 18th, 2014 @ 5:33 pm

Not enough? You just might be the only one who thinks so.
richard mcenroe
July 18th, 2014 @ 5:51 pm

Send them to Texas and they’ll take the rest of the country back from the Democrats for you.
K-Bob
July 18th, 2014 @ 5:56 pm

Brilliant idea. It could work.

I think we should probably make sure that we select Malaysian Airlines as the preferred carrier for the transportation part of this scheme.

Oh, you guys! I mean… “To help prop them up in this difficult time.”
Yeah, that’s what I meant.
K-Bob
July 18th, 2014 @ 5:58 pm

No, nowdays it’s not about creative thinking and imagination. No, now it’s all about, “Taking the edge off.”

Oxys, all the way.
My Nobel Peace Prize Gaza Plan | That Mr. G Guy's Blog
July 18th, 2014 @ 6:13 pm

[…] My Nobel Peace Prize Gaza Plan. […]
jdp
July 18th, 2014 @ 6:24 pm

My question was more rhetorical incredulity than an actual question. But, yeah, unfortunately we’re dealing with a retrograde culture.

“Bring the house down!”
RichFader
July 18th, 2014 @ 6:49 pm

I’m tempted to say let them evacuate here for a few years, and the Palestinians will solve the problem themselves, one way or another. Either they’ll kill themselves off or they’ll go to war with the surrounding countries and *those* guys will kill them.
Mike G.
July 18th, 2014 @ 7:36 pm

Mayhaps they did too much “Window Pane”and the flashbacks are effecting their thinking.
DeadMessenger
July 18th, 2014 @ 8:21 pm

That could work.

“Big Mo’s Discount Clitorectomies” and “Abdullah’s Shawarma Hut – Best Lebanese Outside Beirut – We Deliver” could join the ranks of “you didn’t build that.”
TiminAL
July 18th, 2014 @ 10:43 pm

Israel has been compared to New Jersey in size so, there ya go!
Misanthrope
July 18th, 2014 @ 11:24 pm

You severely overestimate muslim ambition and capability. They would all be the same ignorant, poverty-stricken bums here that they are in Gaza – except here they’d be collecting welfare and insisting we respect their despicable excuse for a religion.
cmdr358
July 18th, 2014 @ 11:44 pm

If your proposal comes to fruition those planes won’t be returning to Tel Aviv empty, I’M moving to Gaza and y’all can deal with the Mexican, Honduran, Guatamalan, Palestinian problem.
cmdr358
July 18th, 2014 @ 11:45 pm

Don’t think Hillary hadn’t considered it at some point. Votes!
cmdr358
July 18th, 2014 @ 11:48 pm

Except that the Jews will never again give up their eternal capital of Jerusalem.
As far as I’m concerned whatever portion of my taxes go to aiding Israel… they are welcome to it.
cmdr358
July 18th, 2014 @ 11:53 pm

Sort of like certain segments of our own society whose neighborhoods always end up looking like… Gaza City.
:-
Jane the Actuary
July 19th, 2014 @ 12:04 am

That’s a fun game for a Friday: How to Fix the Gaza Strip. Here’s my entry: http://janetheactuary.blogspot.com/2014/07/how-to-fix-gaza-strip.html
cmdr358
July 19th, 2014 @ 12:04 am

These same people are lobbing rockets at Ashkelon
where the power grid for the entireGaza Strip receives its electric power from.
The other day they scored a bullseye. They took out transmission lines to portions of Gaza.
Left to their own devices these people and their Arab neighbors will eventually destroy themselves.
cmdr358
July 19th, 2014 @ 12:07 am

The same thing could be said about Detroit.
Art Deco
July 19th, 2014 @ 12:10 am

By the way – the murder rate is higher in Detroit than in Honduras.

The murder rate in the Detroit municipality fluctuates around 48 per 100,000. Honduras has suffered around 90 per 100,000 in recent years.
K-Bob
July 19th, 2014 @ 3:47 am
Maggie's Farm
July 19th, 2014 @ 6:08 am

Saturday morning links

Toon via Hit & Run Related: Hillary’s Greed is Destroying Her Presidential Campaign Billionaires Who Bought Congress Say They Feel “Shortchanged” Burt Shavitz, the World’s Most Famous Retired Beekeeper Are Hookups Psychologically Healthy?
johncunningham
July 19th, 2014 @ 8:09 am

I would back this plan if all the Gaza Mooselimbs were sent to Madison, Berkeley, Cambridge, Austin, Seattle, San Fran, etc. Pelosi could house at least a few hundred in her houses, no? and the Kerrys could take a few hundred also.
Quartermaster
July 19th, 2014 @ 11:46 am

You’re such a kind and thoughtful person.
Quartermaster
July 19th, 2014 @ 11:49 am

C’mon! Have pity on the poor Airmen that will have to clean those things out. OTOH, it might be better to simply burn the things afterwards and have LockMart build new ones.
Steve White
July 19th, 2014 @ 3:02 pm

Tell the Gazooks that the choice is Minnesota or Mauritania. That should settle it…
Steve White
July 19th, 2014 @ 3:03 pm

“Mahmoud! Why are we flying towards the Indian Ocean? America is to the west!”

“Relax, Achmed, I’m sure the Malaysian Air pilot knows what he is doing!”