How to Become a Lesbian, Step One: Watch Cable TV While Depressed

Posted on | August 2, 2014 | 105 Comments

Shane and Cherie from Showtime’s The L Word.

Have you ever heard of “medical student syndrome”?

It’s a type of hypochondria, “a condition frequently reported in medical students, who perceive themselves or others to be experiencing the symptoms of the diseases they are studying.” Human beings are suggestible, so that minor itch or cough or ache you have may suddenly appear to be a symptom, if you consider the possibility you might have an actual disease. Medical students spend a lot of time thinking about diseases, and thus may become obsessed with the fear that the rash on their leg is a potentially fatal disease, when the actual cause is the poison ivy they brushed up against while hiking in the woods.

So . . . are you gay?

For the vast majority of people throughout thousands of years of human history, this wasn’t a question to consider. They grew up, got married, had kids, raised goats or whatever and hoped they didn’t die from disease or famine or attacks by hostile invaders. Merely trying to survive a life of toil and hardship — the fate of most people at most times in most places — was sufficiently difficult that people didn’t sit around wondering about their “sexuality” or “identity.”

Welcome to middle-class America in the 21st century, where sexuality and identity are all some people have to worry about:

How To Leave Your Husband (Because You’re a Lesbian)

That’s the headline on an interesting — excuse me, I meant to say weird — column at the lesbian blog Autostraddle:

I got pregnant and married, in that order duh, while I was in high school! I stayed married, got pregnant again, and kept staying married for something like eight years — I lost count. Then we moved to Virginia, into a house I hated, in a neighborhood I hated . . . My husband was in the military and he’d be gone for months at a time. I was perpetually in a bad mood/depressed. Then there was free Showtime and a Season Three marathon. I watched Shane fuck Cherie Jaffe by the pool over and over and spent the next month googling ALL THE THINGS + FEELINGS.

Had to Google “Shane and Cherie” to realize she was describing the 2006 season of the Showtime series The L Word. Anyway . . .

Everything — every last fucking thing ever — finally made sense. I made sense.
I came out, we separated.

“For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health — unless one of you eventually decides you’re gay, and then all bets are off.”

How do stories like these happen? I mean, besides getting knocked up as a teenager, then moving to Virginia while your husband is serving his country, becoming perpetually depressed and watching Showtime? How is it that somebody can be married with two kids and then one day — cable TV gay epiphany! — chuck it all overboard?

The converted apostle has her rationalizations:

I’m often asked, not necessarily outright, how I kept up that husband thing for as long as I did. It’s not an easy question to answer, both because it involves summoning a state of mind I can no longer relate to and because I’m scared of being judged. . . .
Where I grew up, it wasn’t uncommon to be young and pregnant and married. Birth control was available but not really discussed or supported, and no one talked about homosexuality or feminism. This was the 80s and early 90s, so there wasn’t any internet or gay people on television.

Which is to say, she was a normal girl who grew up in a normal family with a normal life in a normal town. But did you notice this?

. . . no one talked about homosexuality or feminism.

Gee, why do you think these two topics are connected in her mind? I mean, she could have said “no one talked about homosexuality or vegetarianism” or “no one talked about homosexuality or Buddhism,” but instead, it’s “feminism” — why?

Anyone who has been reading my “Sex Trouble” series about radical feminism will instantly understand the connection:

According to feminist theory, this woman’s problem was (as every woman’s problem is) heteronormative patriarchy:

Heterosexuality, these authors argue, is never a woman’s own free choice, nor is female heterosexuality the result of natural instinct or biological urges. Rather, according to radical theorists whose works are commonly taught in Women’s Studies courses at universities everywhere, women who are sexually attracted to men have been indoctrinated — brainwashed by “hetero-grooming” — to believe that male companionship is desirable or necessary to their happiness.

In other words, heterosexuality is imposed on women. Once she divorced her husband and became a lesbian — thanks to cable TV — this woman revised her memory with the benefit of hindsight. She suddenly realized she never really liked men anyway:

It never occurred to me that being “in love” could feel like anything more than kindly agreeing not to be mean to each other. And attraction? Actually wanting sex? I mean, what must that be like?? Women aren’t socialized, like men are, to think they deserve sexual satisfaction. Maybe it’s different now, but at the time, I interpreted sex as a thing that made boys happy, but for which women shouldn’t set their sights too high.
That part — the sex part — is hands-down the most difficult thing for me to talk about, process or explain. Not just because of how personal sex is, for everybody, but also because of the terrible sad vacant feeling that comes with discussing a thing that I never related to and now can barely fathom ever doing. At that time, sex was how I could get someone to like me.

Again, this is rationalization, informed by feminism. She blames the way women are “socialized” for her failure to realize she was a lesbian until she was a depressed married mom watching cable TV. She now refers to her years of heterosexuality as “a thing that I never related to,” which she was only doing so she “could get someone to like” her. She insists she never wanted it or felt attraction to men, never really had the feeling of being “in love” with a man.

Let’s not mince words: This woman is a failed heterosexual.

Being successfully heterosexual is not as easy as it may seem. Sure, some of us are so good at it, we make it look easy, but this apparent ease is simply the result of years of practice. It’s not as if the problems involved have never been considered.

“In everything on this earth that is worth doing, there is a stage when no one would do it, except for necessity or honor. . . . If Americans can be divorced for ‘incompatibility of temper’ I cannot conceive why they are not all divorced. I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible.”
— G.K. Chesterton, 1910

Considerations of “necessity or honor” are alien to the 21st-century mind, so that husbands and wives don’t think of the honor involved in upholding a sacred vow. If nothing is sacred, no vow can really be binding, and the sense of honor one should derive from being true to one’s word — to say, “I do,” and really mean it — can play no part in our considerations. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence (or if the sex is sexier on cable TV), why let something as silly as a marriage vow stand in your way?

The important thing, we are nowadays told, is just to be yourself. Find the real you. Get in touch with your feelings. And, amid all these gooey emotional hymns to the Happy Self, at some point the children have to hear The Talk: “Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce, because Mommy watched a cable TV show and now she knows she never really loved Daddy, because she’s a lesbian.”

Hey, what’s that rash on your leg? Probably ebola virus . . .

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Category: Feminism, Gays, Sex Trouble

Comments

105 Responses to “How to Become a Lesbian, Step One: Watch Cable TV While Depressed”

concern00
August 2nd, 2014 @ 5:20 am

I don’t have time to read the whole article right now, but I want the privilege of the first comment. So here goes:

Lesbians make great porn – notwithstanding the empowered (overweight) type.
Käthe
August 2nd, 2014 @ 7:17 am

I have seen this happen from the front row, more than once. The media plays a huge role, as you say. Once you have admitted the idea “might I be…?” out loud, then the whole gay-feminist-therapeutic-industrial complex descends upon you and they will do everything in their power to stop you from finishing “…on second thought, maybe I’m not.” Anything other than “coming out” at that point will be regarded as pathetic, self-loathing, “hate.”
CrustyB
August 2nd, 2014 @ 8:06 am

2% to 3% of the population is homosexual but it seems at least half of the news, tv shows, movies, books, magazine articles etc. is about homos and how wonderful & natural it is to be a weirdo. Power of suggestion? You bet your sweet bippy.
RS
August 2nd, 2014 @ 8:37 am

If the power of suggestion were insignificant in the development of homosexuals, then why, pray tell, does the Left feel compelled to begin discussing “alternative lifestyles” at the earliest opportunity with our children?
robertstacymccain
August 2nd, 2014 @ 9:11 am

Gay males are much more aggressive in terms of actually pursuing partners. Ask any guy who has ever been “hit on” by another male. However, male homosexuals have no ideology comparable to radical feminism, which tells women (a) men are oppressive and selfish, and (b) becoming gay is politically empowering. So I can imagine the pressure on women who experience doubts.
CyberRabid
August 2nd, 2014 @ 9:31 am

Women shop together for intimate items such as undergarments. “Should I get the red ones or the black ones? Which looks better on me?” . . . .Enough said?
How to Become a Lesbian, Step One: Watch Cable TV While Depressed | That Mr. G Guy's Blog
August 2nd, 2014 @ 9:41 am

[…] How to Become a Lesbian, Step One: Watch Cable TV While Depressed. […]
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 9:47 am

So does the blame go to Bob Guccione for mainstreaming lesbian soft porn via Penthouse?
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 9:53 am

Does your theory work on turning people crazy?
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 9:55 am

So in just over a hundred years we have gone from the love that dare not speak its name to the bunch that never shuts the **** up!
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 9:58 am

What? Guys don’t do that?

Oh wait, I was thinking of fishing lures, hunting equipment, and BBQ grills. Nevermind!
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 9:59 am

But…being gay is hard wired? There is no choice involved, it is an orientation…
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 10:02 am

How about turning people conservative?
M. Thompson
August 2nd, 2014 @ 10:25 am

That’s “what was once the love that dare not speak it’s name to the lust that won’t shut the heck up.”
Separated by Sanity: Dana Loesch and…? | Batshit Crazy News
August 2nd, 2014 @ 10:36 am

[…] Turned into a Lesbian by Depression and Cable TV? Does this also work for crazy […]
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 10:38 am

My bad!
Zohydro
August 2nd, 2014 @ 10:40 am

The H88 is strong with this one…
Maxwell Jump
August 2nd, 2014 @ 10:53 am

In their world, if you’re gay, you were born that way. But gender is a social construct, not something you’re born with.
Zzzzzzz
August 2nd, 2014 @ 11:30 am

Snore…so she spent her early life trying to fit into a rigid status quo, and then one day realized she could no longer do it, and set herself free. And? What’s your problem? That she’s happy now?
Zzzzzzz
August 2nd, 2014 @ 11:37 am

To let them know they are free to be who they are rather living a miserable closeted life. I come from a fairly conservative family, not me of course, and I have a 52 year old cousin, great looking man, personal trainer , women swoon over him, but he has never had a relationship with a woman, and is quite obviously queer. Everyone knows it, but to this day he’s still in the closet. I should add he’s also a devout Catholic. Even his parents want him to come out so he can live a happy life, already. That’s why they have to tell kids this, and so they don’t grow up feeling ashamed, and wind up emotionally, and psychologically repressed.
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 11:38 am

Despite stealing the word “gay,” their general dispositions most definitely do not translate to “lighthearted and carefree.”
Zzzzzz
August 2nd, 2014 @ 11:59 am

your experience is not the norm, so speak for yourself. and why do you hate these people so much? it’s really disturbing, and quite frankly, evil.
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 12:01 pm

Times are hardly repressed when it comes to coming out. If someone is orientated that way and that is the way they are, so be it. Many feel that way. I do find confusing youth with gay propaganda, however, is causing more harm than good.
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 12:03 pm

As for impressionable housewives, some still watch The View for crickey sakes! Enough said!
maniakmedic
August 2nd, 2014 @ 12:04 pm

I’ve often wondered if some people decide they must be gay because their personal preferences overall lean toward things that are typically more interesting to the opposite sex (like sports are more male oriented or performance-type stuff is generally more female oriented). You gravitate toward something non-typical for your gender and everybody starts to assume you must be gay, so you start to think you’re gay and eventually convince yourself that must be it.

As far as kids are concerned, I’m still perplexed by why it has become the norm to dump sexuality onto children who would only know what sex is if they were victims of a pedophile. It was never a question for me or any other kid I knew as a first-grader or second-grader as to whether we might like boys or girls because we were too busy being kids. As far as I know, no normal, non-victimized kid that age thinks about sex. If they do, it’s because some idiot adult got it into their fool head that they needed to inject it into that kid’s life.
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 12:06 pm

I am Evi L., not evil.

I do not hate gays at all. I have many friends who are gay who I care for a lot. I know plenty of well adjusted sane gay people. But I have seen with my own eyes that that the crazy in the gay community runs a tad stronger than the norm.

Of course I do not live in a trailer park and end up in episodes of COPS, so I recognize my subjective observations may be skewed.

Plus I am a cow, which may skew things too.
RS
August 2nd, 2014 @ 12:30 pm

Let me suggest, that starting these discussions in a public school in first or second grade is not about psychological “repression.” Children are asexual until puberty. It is about preying upon humans who, by virtue of their natural development, are vulnerable. This is the only way homosexuals reproduce. Whether it’s the Feminist political mystique, or telling some 12 year boy who’s bad at sports that he’s obviously different, the goal is the same: Subversion of the natural order.
Quartermaster
August 2nd, 2014 @ 1:05 pm

Well adjusted people are not gay. Just sayin’.

I can understand why you would be more skewed towards people dining at Chik-Fil-A.
Art Deco
August 2nd, 2014 @ 1:17 pm

and no one talked about homosexuality or feminism. This was the 80s and
early 90s, so there wasn’t any internet or gay people on television.

If she fancies that homosexuality and feminism were esoteric topics ca. 1988, she’s really telling you she never read magazines or newspapers. There was no internet other than electronic mail for people in certain occupational specialties, but homosexuality in news and entertainment media was hardly unusual, just not quite so omnipresent the way it is today.
RKae
August 2nd, 2014 @ 1:19 pm

…just not quite so omnipresent the way it is today.

Which is it say: it was realistically represented, not over-represented, as it currently is.
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 1:25 pm

I love Chik-Fil-A!
Art Deco
August 2nd, 2014 @ 1:25 pm

This sort of thing

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0636418/plotsummary?ref_=tt_ov_pl

http://www.tv.com/shows/st-elsewhere/a-moon-for-the-misbegotten-43180/

was not unusual in mass entertainment at the time.
Art Deco
August 2nd, 2014 @ 1:29 pm

Snore…so she spent her early life trying to fit into a rigid status quo

“Rigid status quo” would be what people ordinarily refer to as ‘everyday life’, which people commonly adjust to just fine. They go to work, look after their kids, do household chores, &c. This woman had a problem which has no name and her ‘solution’ was sexual deviance.
RKae
August 2nd, 2014 @ 1:30 pm

As far as homosexuality being represented in the past, I’ve recently run into an interesting phenomenon.

I’ve been re-watching a lot of old TV series (due to 1.] nostalgia and 2.] pretty much everything current stinks) and I’ve seen a “gay story” on everything from the ’70s – “MASH,” “The Bob Newhart Show,” “Mary Tyler Moore…” You name it, there’s a gay story and they’re ALL the same! They’re cut from the same propaganda mold. It’s like today where we have Obamacare being intentionally inserted into TV shows. It’s deliberate. It’s orchestrated.

The plot: Throw in a gay character who’s nervous about coming out of the closet; have our regular “jerk” character (say, Frank Burns) say something about it being “weird,” “unnatural,” “un-American,” or “icky”; have our beloved characters (Hawkeye) snap back defensively.

It’s all very contrived. And here’s the important part: I didn’t notice it back then!

Pay attention to entertainment, folks! Whatever you see in the present is only a SMIDGEN of what’s in the works for your future!
Joe Biden 2016: Neked Launch | Regular Right Guy
August 2nd, 2014 @ 1:31 pm

[…] How to Become a Lesbian, Step One: Watch Cable TV While Depressed […]
RKae
August 2nd, 2014 @ 1:35 pm

I have no idea why I would want to watch two women going at it.

That just puzzles me.
Quartermaster
August 2nd, 2014 @ 1:53 pm

I love Burger King!

Homosexuality is a mental illness. By definition, someone that is mentally ill is not well adjusted. There are some Homos that are not wildly insane as some are, but they are still bonkers.
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 1:53 pm

Some men identify as the middle of a sandwich?
Z2
August 2nd, 2014 @ 2:13 pm

That’s a tough one, I agree. I think there’s an appropriate time to have that conservation but I’m not sure it starts at 8 years old. My niece is 8 years old, and she asked what “gay” was, and I swear I told her it meant happy. After that I felt like a reactionary bastard, but it’s what I said. There was no way to have that conservation with an 8 year old kid.

But to my other point the conservation needs to be had with kids at some time, or you run the risk of having shut down, closeted adults if they are I fact homosexuals. That support system is crucial.
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 2:26 pm

Personally, eating whoppers is a mental disorder to me. Because if I did that I would be a cannibal.
NeoWayland
August 2nd, 2014 @ 2:41 pm

If the power of suggestion is that influential, doesn’t that sort of imply the opposite as well?

For those affected, the only reason they were heterosexual to begin with is the power of suggestion?
Zohydro
August 2nd, 2014 @ 2:43 pm

That troubles me .. It’s something about myself I don’t like at all!
guest
August 2nd, 2014 @ 3:18 pm

Get rid of your TV. It’s nothing but agitprop. Hollyweird has been pumping out agitprop disguised as entertainment for a century and more.
Zzzzzzz
August 2nd, 2014 @ 3:51 pm

I don’t think her problem was household chores, it was conforming to a certain way of life that wasn’t working for her. Amazing how conservatives claim theyre ntelligent but slavishly follow every social convention imaginable, and shame those who don’t. Homosexuality is only “deviant” in the respect that it’s not the heterosexual norm. You of course are implying it’s immoral.

Why do you guys even bother? You already lost this fight and the coming generations are going to look back at you as bigots, and hateful.
Zzzzz
August 2nd, 2014 @ 3:55 pm

That’s really dumb, and not true. and how it would explain homosexual men in the military or rugged sports like football, police officers, and any other activity that’s more gender specific. You don’t need to be a song and dance man to be gay. In fact musicians and poets tend to be notorious womanizers.
maniakmedic
August 2nd, 2014 @ 4:00 pm

Speak for yourself.
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 4:00 pm

Don’t forget boobs. Boys love boobs.
Mm
August 2nd, 2014 @ 4:32 pm

According to a CDC report that was published last month, 1.6% “identify” gay or lesbian. 0.7% “identify” as bisexual.
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 4:35 pm

But..But…the media said it was hard wired!
Evi L. Bloggerlady
August 2nd, 2014 @ 4:36 pm

don’t be a h8-E h8er!