Tea Party & GOP Elite Walk Into A Bar. . .

Posted on | February 17, 2015 | 100 Comments

by Smitty

Tea Party: Worst. President. Ever. [to the Bartender] Sam Adams.

GOP Elite: Concur. Gotta continue the momentum of 2014. Must. Retake. White. House.

For me: a Cosmopolitan, please.

[Bartender shuffles off]

TP: Violent agreement. Which is why we should expand the tent and unite early behind an acceptable candidate. Can’t afford to repeat 2012, much less 2008.

Elite: Concur. Clearly you need someone fundraising ability to overcome the Democratic Party machine.

TP:Somebody whose record in office speaks for itself.

Elite: Somebody from a state that is key to victory.

TP: Somebody that has enough leadership chops to unite every voter with two brain cells and a pulse.

Elite: Somebody with enough name recognition to be an easy sell to the unwashed masses.

TP: I don’t know about that. Scott Walker has work to do getting his name circulated beyond the Midwest and Tea Party circles.

[Bartender returns with a pint and a martini glass. Tea Party starts lifting the beverage unceremoniously to lip.]

Elite: Your health, sir. Now, Scott who? I’m talking about John Ellis Bush.

TP: Wut?

[Spills beer down his chin.]

Elite: The Jebster. The Jebbage. The Jeb-o-rama.

TP: Well, sink my car and call me Ted! I thought you were serious about getting conservatives together next year, not foisting some equestrian squish on the base. Haven’t we had enough abuse?

Elite: Oh, just lay by your dish! You little Tea-Party-come-latelys think you can be all pizza, beer, and guns; jacking about Hazzard County, Georgia your whole lives; then swoop in and call some shots just because the country elected a no-talent rodeo clown in 2008.

Well, get stuffed: half the battle in politics is showing up. The other half is staying engaged. When you have the frogskins and the stamina not to get routed by the IRS like you were in 2010, your little “hostile takeover” attempt won’t look so rank and amateurish.

[Quaffs from his Cosmo.]

TP: Hey, thanks for nothing, big brother. You fat cats only pause from delivering the floggings long enough to throw out some patriotic posturings. Then demand we vote for whatever tool you pull out of the roll-away.

Elite: Seriously. I love your enthusiasm. But this is not 1773, you’re not George Washington, and running around as though Nothing Whatsoever Happened since 1787 is just silly. Stop it. Go to school. Do the homework. The Devil’s in the details and hates us both. We can no more reasonably implement your ‘magic wand’ solutions than Obama could manage rolling out a website.

TP: Well, botox my face and call me Nancy! Your response to Jezebel seems to be “get in bed with the wench”. Every time the base listens to you, we get some bogus farce of a candidate that couldn’t inspire a gambler to roll the dice in Vegas. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, and I might as well swear allegiance to Her Majesty, Hillary.

Elite: This is precisely why we need adults like Jeb in the room. You treat the Constitution as some magical Scroll of Integrity, and think “All we gotta do is just follow it, and all our ouchies go away”. It’s merely the first breadcrumb, as it sat in 1787. And now we’ve got 11 million people illegally present. What the focaccia are you going to do with them? Form them up and force-march them to Mexico? No lousy optics there! And to what effect? People don’t take you seriously because you’re about as grown up as the Wisconsin Teachers Union going after your boy Walker.

[TP puts down his beer with the glass half full.]

TP: Help me out here. The last time we did this drill was. . .the Reagan Administration? Do we, at some point, get to learn from our mistakes?

Elite: “We” have no corporate memory. It’s all in the heads of individuals, and has to be carefully curated and carried forward. Sort of the way the Tea Partiers failed to do these last decades. You lads haven’t got hair #1 where it matters, much less a teenage pizza-face yet. Now, calm down and pay your dues, or daddy spank.

TP: Well, bust my ribs and call me Harry! The Captain of the Titanic wants to give lessons in seamanship! Will that get folded into Common Core, my sweet statist?

Elite: And what are you going to do? Actually take local control of matters, and. . .drumroll. . .raise taxes to pay for education? Here’s the ground truth: you haven’t paid attention to how everything got turned upside down since the Great Society. The Fed prints the money, DC doles it out, and that’s how all of the services that you rely on, but don’t even consider, actually operate. And so now you and Grover Norquist want to cry “foul” and change everything. To what effect? So you can just go back to NASCAR until your inner child gets all pouty again?

TP: So, you’re saying “Trust me,” and then blaming me for trusting you?

[Finishes his drink.]

Elite: Let’s cut to the chase. If we put Walker on as VP, can we expect your support?

TP: If you want a re-run of 1992, I can guarantee the Inaugural’s going to resemble 1993.

[Sets down the empty beer glass, puts a $20 on the bar.]

Elite: Would the other way around look more like 1980, then?

TP: Look, if the John McCains, Mitt Romneys, and Jeb Bushes want to convince people they care for more than their own overstuffed egos, they need to support the Convention of States. This country is screaming for substantial reform and re-commitment to the fundamentals that make her exceptional. Just because despotic rule by an elite few happens to be the human historical norm is no reason for this country to follow down that path.

We’re like the Jews at the end of the Book of Judges, having entered a promised land, goofed up, and hit some tough sledding. The correct answer here is NOT “Hey, let’s elect a king!” And if you want to tell me that the only “conservative” capable of carrying the 2016 election has a name rhyming with “tush”, you can kiss mine. Not playing.

Elite: Speaking of human historical norm and Israel, you negotiate with all of the flexibility of somebody working the Palestinian question. Bravo.

TP: Well, you tell me how to negotiate with cancer, and I’ll give it a whirl.

[exeunt]

Category: Republicans

Comments

100 Responses to “Tea Party & GOP Elite Walk Into A Bar. . .”

Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 11:12 am

Well done sir, I think that the clerisy of both parties are in for a few nasty surprises, unfortunately it’s probably too late anyway.
TubifexWorm
February 17th, 2015 @ 11:25 am

The only candidate that will be able to unite all the Republicans is Hillary Clinton.
Matt_SE
February 17th, 2015 @ 11:31 am

I have some doubts about Grover Norquist’s authenticity.
NeoWayland
February 17th, 2015 @ 12:02 pm

Now that was funny.
Gunga
February 17th, 2015 @ 12:19 pm

Alternatively, I offer the movie version of this conversation:

Elite: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.

Tea Party: You guarantee it? That’s…how do you do that?

Elite: If you’re not happy with the first 7 minutes, we’re gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That’s it. That’s our motto. That’s where we’re comin’ from. That’s from “A” to “B”.

TP: That’s right. That’s – that’s good. That’s good. Unless, of course,
somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you’re in trouble, huh?

[Elite convulses]

Elite: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody’s comin’ up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won’t even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.

TP: That…uh…good point.

Elite: 7’s the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 dwarves. 7, man, that’s the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin’ on a branch, eatin’ lots of sunflowers on my uncle’s ranch. You know that old children’s tale from the sea. It’s like you’re dreamin’ about Gorgonzola cheese when it’s clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.

TP: Why?

Elite: ‘Cause you’re F’in’ fired!
M. Thompson
February 17th, 2015 @ 12:21 pm

Funny, because it’s spiritually true.
smitty
February 17th, 2015 @ 12:37 pm

Oh how I love that scene! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNZuJ8wvcNE
smitty
February 17th, 2015 @ 12:44 pm

It rattled around in my head for a while.
Evi L. Bloggerlady
February 17th, 2015 @ 12:46 pm

The Tea Party guy should have thrown the beer in the Elite guys face at the mention of Jeb and then challenged him to a fight out side in the parking lot…

A few beat downs like that would be good for the Republic.
palintologist
February 17th, 2015 @ 12:57 pm

Even the dems have had enough. Time for a third party to leave both of those old relics in the dust. Are the dems too far gone to actually consider the Constitution Party?
smitty
February 17th, 2015 @ 1:05 pm

Oh, I doubt the Dems have had enough. Don’t believe the hype.
richard mcenroe
February 17th, 2015 @ 1:10 pm

Did you get Adjoran to ghost this?
Lemuel Vargas
February 17th, 2015 @ 1:12 pm

Think the TP guy was winning the argument…
IceBerg77
February 17th, 2015 @ 1:32 pm

Why does anyone think Scott Walker is anything but a corporatist? He is owned by the American Legislative Exchange Council. The only good choice for conservatives is Rand Paul, and not neo-conservative Scott Walker.
smitty
February 17th, 2015 @ 1:49 pm

Hah! No.
trangbang68
February 17th, 2015 @ 1:58 pm

He’s an authentic friend of jihadists
Squid Hunt
February 17th, 2015 @ 2:14 pm

Well, I hate to throw a conspiracy theory in the works, but Walker is being deliberately played as the candidate to beat Bush, who remains a non-candidate. Walker is the establishment GOP’s candidate. Not that I think that alone should dissuade you, but it’s starting to become painfully obvious, my fellow contrarians.
Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 2:18 pm

To hear them tell it some of them have. Some of them are tired of Obama’s centrism. Some of them are tired of his serial compromising with Republicans, like not enacting single payer in 2010. Hell he even gave up the ”public option” in the spirit of comity.
Quartermaster
February 17th, 2015 @ 2:25 pm

More than a few. A lot more.
smitty
February 17th, 2015 @ 3:40 pm

Oh, tish tosh. For such a conspiracy to be in effect, you’d have to have some back end connection. But it would have to be big, like having the head of the Wisconsin State GOP move on to be the chair of the Republican National Committee.

Then you’d need some big name éminence noire pretending to suck up all the cash, and some huge, emotional, 4th-down-and-three effort to get Tea Party David up against the elite Goliath.

Such a narrative would be way beyond the Republican Party’s theatrical skill.
Finrod Felagund
February 17th, 2015 @ 4:02 pm

I like Rand Paul, but I cannot agree with you regarding Scott Walker.
RKae
February 17th, 2015 @ 4:28 pm

We don’t need a 3rd party.

We need a 3rd and 4th party.

We need a very conservative party added at the same time as a very liberal party. That way the boat stays in balance and both the Dems and GOP have votes siphoned off at the same time.
Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 4:54 pm

Rand Paul will not be president of these here united states. I’d put his chance of winning the nomination at more than zero.
K-Bob
February 17th, 2015 @ 5:32 pm

The TP guy was too nice. Elite should’a been busted in the mush.

Dittos on the CoS.

Once people realize we’ve already gone over the cliff (Obamacare is law—can it be more obvious?), it gets much easier to stop worrying about losing to the Dems if we don’t agree once more to hold our noses to vote for the next McCain/Romney/Dole.

I’ve already promised myself I won’t do it. I don’t care about the scare over SCOTUS appointments or anything else. We have two choices: rebuild or say goodbye to the American moment. Sticking with the Conventional Wisdom from the Seventies and Eighties is simply death by a thousand cuts.
K-Bob
February 17th, 2015 @ 5:40 pm

I think there’s lots of room for Republicans to believe in the chimera of “moderation” without being a corporatist. I know plenty of Corporals of Industry who firmly believe in the whole, mushy moderate BS. They aren’t corporatists, they are just people with 9-to-5’s who aren’t informed about the origins of rights, the full concept behind liberty, or the importance of the second amendment.

They go to church, they believe in individualism, and they want lower taxes and the government out of their lives. So they think a guy like Walker is great. In fact, I think Walker is a lot like those folks.

But if we don’t get a Restoration guy/gal, we’re done. Just like that, we’re Britain. You’ll start seeing bad teeth soon enough.
K-Bob
February 17th, 2015 @ 5:44 pm

And an authentic front man for you-know-who…

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/AbwKT-WCQAEVcYr.jpg
K-Bob
February 17th, 2015 @ 5:45 pm

Not even then. We need someone worth voting for, not just someone to vote against.
Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 5:50 pm

That’s always going to be the right’s problem. Many conservatives refuse to vote for the lesser of two evils, while the Democrats and the left in general are delighted to vote for the greater of two evils. The eviler the better.
Squid Hunt
February 17th, 2015 @ 5:59 pm

I’m not saying he’s not a good candidate. He might be the “make every happy” guy he seems to be. Bug I still think the establishment likes him.
Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 6:00 pm

Good teeth does not a great country make.
Scott Walker is not going to be President Ruthless Hardass neither is Rand Paul or even Ron Paul. I doubt that Ted Cruz would be President Ruthless Hardass and without electing President Ruthless Hardass this Republic is toast.
Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 6:06 pm

He’s currently the biggest threat to Bush. That precludes the establishment liking him. If the establishment starts making nice to him he should start wearing Kevlar on his back.
Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 6:10 pm

That’s the appeal of LIB. It’s much easier to rebuild from the foundation up.
Squid Hunt
February 17th, 2015 @ 6:10 pm

We’ll see. I just can’t see them taking Bush seriously. He’s s guaranteed failure
Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 6:15 pm

It isn’t that they don’t know that, it’s that they can’t know that. The notion that Bush can’t win the nomination let alone the general election, exceeds their comprehension skills. They were stunned when Romney lost, though any run of the mill conservative knew that a year before the election.
Squid Hunt
February 17th, 2015 @ 6:18 pm

Ok. Or they wanted Obama to win because they wanted government healthcare because they’re all a pack of corporatists who sell to the highest bidder…. And opportunists who knew their hands would be clean and they could blame the DNC for all of it.
smitty
February 17th, 2015 @ 6:22 pm

If the tales are true, Bush has a right jolly pile of frogskins. Talking frogskins.
Squid Hunt
February 17th, 2015 @ 6:24 pm

That’s crap. Romney and Bush ARE the evil.
Squid Hunt
February 17th, 2015 @ 6:27 pm

No doubt. And a penchant for denying his base. Of whom does that remind you?
Matt_SE
February 17th, 2015 @ 6:44 pm

Every now and then, Deep Blue lets slip some tidbit about ALEC; they are the left’s bête rouge. Anyone who inspires that much hatred and fear in the left must be okay.
theoldsargesays
February 17th, 2015 @ 6:46 pm

If having Obama as President hasn’t made it happen, I’m afraid that candidate Clinton won’t be enough and if it takes President Clinton to do it then woe be unto us.
smitty
February 17th, 2015 @ 6:50 pm

Ol’ Willard Mitt?
theoldsargesays
February 17th, 2015 @ 7:02 pm

I wonder if Marine LePen could be enticed to come over. She could claim being born in The French Quarter and has simply been living abroad for several years.
Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 7:02 pm

Millions of dollars is pretty serious.
Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 7:15 pm

That’s nonsense, they truly do want power. Not to restore our liberties or make government less consequential in our lives, they want power because they believe in big intrusive government, they just think they can run it more efficiently. When Republicans are ascendant they only blame Democrats to the extent necessary to get elected and then drop the matter once they’ve achieved control. If they continued to complain about EPA over reach they’d have to do something about it, liked they promised while they were running. That’s why nothing the left creates ever gets undone. Both parties are essentially corporatists with ineffectual anti-corporatist wings who have, however wildly different ideas on how to fix that.
Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 7:18 pm

No their not, they’re merely ineffectual and irrelevant to what must be done.
Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 7:50 pm

Do not confuse any European conservative or ”rightwinger” with American conservatism.
K-Bob
February 17th, 2015 @ 8:18 pm

Cruz and Jindal seem about as close as we’re gonna get. West, if he runs. Perry, only hardass in certain cases. None of the others seem remotely like the kind of man who, in the inaugural address, has the guts to tell the illegals the’re going to have to go home.
K-Bob
February 17th, 2015 @ 8:22 pm

LIB?
Adobe_Walls
February 17th, 2015 @ 8:33 pm

Yes.
Tea Party & GOP Elite Walk Into A Bar. . . | That Mr. G Guy's Blog
February 17th, 2015 @ 8:37 pm

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