Posted on | August 14, 2013 | 124 Comments
Earlier today, while researching male feminist Professor Hugo Schwyzer, I ran across a video in which a young woman read one of Schwyer’s columns and she had such a purty mouth that when I’d finished writing about Schwyzer I wondered, “Who is that girl?”
People sometimes ask me, “Stacy, where do you find all these kooks you write about?” And the answer is, random curiosity. So I checked this chick’s YouTube channel and found that she is a fairly popular personality, with more than 1,000 subscribers to her videos, although if she has a blog presence or a Twitter account, it’s separate from what she does on YouTube. Anyway, here’s how she describes herself:
Equality and liberation, no matter who or what you are.
Sex-positivity and much, much more!
Yes, I am a feminist. No, I don’t hate men. No, I don’t think sex is evil. No, I don’t hate girly things.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.
Last September, she posted a video entitled, “Why I Might Be Gone From YouTube For A While,” during which she went through a box of Kleenex in a 38-minute explanation of why she and her longtime boyfriend had recently decided to break up:
So I’ve been with the most amazing man ever for the past three years and that’s since I was 18. I’m 21 now. I just turned 21. I met him when I was 17, and we began dating about four or five months later. . . .
I fell madly, madly in love. And I still am. I still am madly, madly in love with this man. He’s about three years older than me, so he’s 24 right now. But recently, we decided to take what I guess some people would call “a break,” for our relationship’s own good, and I’m really conflicted about it, but I know it’s going to be best for us. . . .
Can I pick ‘em, or what? If you thought being a “feminist” was about independence, let Little Miss Boohoo correct your misperceptions:
He feels like, these past three years, I’ve been tied down to him and . . . being in college, I should be free to go and explore and have all these experiences that I might not otherwise be able to have, you know, when I have a boyfriend. . . . He’s been saying this for a while, but after something that happened a couple of days ago, we’ve decided officially that this should happen. . . . I’ve been like this all day. I’m a mess. . . .
[She told him] “I like being tied down and I love you,” and he always thought that was weird, but I always told him . . . “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re the most amazing guy in the world. I’m so lucky. I can’t think of anyone better.” . . . He’s just absolutely perfect for me. . . .
He’s “the most amazing man ever”! She’s “madly, madly in love”! He’s “absolutely perfect ”! And so, being on the receiving end of her worshipful adoration, Mr. Amazing is doing that passive-aggressive thing, avoiding commitment by saying that she needs to “go and explore and have all these experiences” because otherwise, she’s being “tied down to him,” see? She continues:
But he always felt like I’d never dated enough people. I haven’t seen enough people. And I always kind of just laughed that off and said, “What are you talking about? You’re all the man I want. Why would I go looking for something that, you know, I already have?”
Good Lord, man! Don’t you understand? She craves your seed.
A woman like this, she may call herself a “feminist,” but one look at her — crying her eyes out, pleading to the camera — and you can practically hear the sublimated urges of her inner hausfrau screaming: “Make me pregnant! Let me have your babies and suckle them to my breasts! Let me cook you bratwurst and sauerkraut!” Damn all this modern nonsense about sexism, this woman’s natural destiny is to be the mother of a large brood of nice young Lutheran children, fixing Jello salads for church potluck, and the truly cruel thing — what this guy’s doing — is denying her the fulfillment of her destiny. She continues:
But recently, I was presented with some temptation, and I didn’t cheat on him – I didn’t – but the fact that I wanted to was enough. . . .
I always told him like, the fact that I’ve never had, you know — I’ve never gone as far with girls as I wanted to, or explored enough of my sexuality with other women as I have always wanted to, but I didn’t care, because I had him. . . .
(WHOA! Is this getting good, or what?)
Last semester . . . I work at the Writing Center . . . and there’s this girl who works there. Her name is Maria and she’s an international student and she’s bisexual and she’s really pretty. . . . She and some of the other tutors . . . they invited me out — and I wasn’t 21 at the time, but they invited me out for drinks — after work one day. . . . I couldn’t drink . . . It was fun to see them get drunk, but Maria got really drunk, really drunk, and somehow we got on the subject of sexuality.
(We’re so surprised by this, aren’t we?)
I don’t remember how, but I mentioned the fact that I have a boyfriend, but I’m bisexual. And Maria was like, “Really? That’s so cool! So am I, and my boyfriend and I have an open relationship!” . . . At that point, when she realized I was interested in women, she became interested in me.
Isn’t it just amazing how this happens? Little Miss Boohoo just casually mentions her got-a-boyfrind-but-bisexual status to drunk Maria, and suddenly — surprise! surprise! — Maria’s really into her. So, the situation then comes up that Maria needs to go to the restroom, but is so drunk that her friends deem it necessary for Little Miss Boohoo to escort her, and guess what happens next?
She hit on me in the bathroom, and I had to turn her down — it was a moment of temptation, it definitely was – but I turned her down and I said, “You know what? We need to go back to the table, because you’re trying to kiss me and you’re telling me I’m really pretty, And you’re really pretty, too, and you know, if I didn’t have a boyfriend, this would totally be an option.” But I told her no. . . . And her boyfriend was with us, too, and he was totally cool with it, if anything was going to happen, but I just said like, “Dude, I have a boyfriend who wouldn’t be OK with this, and I wouldn’t feel right.”
See what’s going on here? Little Miss Boohoo isn’t really a lesbian, and her “bisexuality” is merely notional.
It’s just something she’s curious about, because with the way the gay thing gets pounded into kids’ heads nowadays — school, pop culture, peer pressure — unless you want to be regarded as a hateful weirdo, you’re supposed to at least experiment with the gay thing. And blondie here has indicated she’s messed around with girls a little bit, but not as much as she feels like she should, so she’s still . . . curious.
On the other hand, it seems, her friend Maria is enthusiastically into girls, especially when she’s drunk, and Maria’s boyfriend is cool with that, because maybe they could do a threesome and he could get some new amateur videos to share with his buddies.
However, while Little Miss Boohoo has this unsatisfied curiosity (really, you almost wish some hard-core diesel dyke would make a move on her, just to help her get over that ambiguity, one way or another) yet on the other hand, she still has this quaint old-fashioned sense of loyalty to Mr. Amazing, her passive-aggressive boyfriend.
So her reply to Maria is not, “Leave me alone, you pervert!” Instead, she turns Maria down almost apologetically, and yet feels guilty merely to have been tempted to stray from Mr. Amazing:
So that was, I guess, one of those opportunities that my boyfriend was talking about that he feels bad that he’s holding me back from experiencing, you know, thinks that I’ve always been curious about — all these “what ifs.” And so, yeah, that was the first time that I kind of thought, maybe there’s something to what he’s saying. Maybe I don’t know what I want. . . .
OK, is it just me, or has the decline of traditional “family values” left young people hopelessly confused, pondering existential complexities that Grandma never had to worry about? You don’t have to be Pat Robertson to deplore this poor woman’s situation.
No fire and brimstone sermons about lust and fornication and sin are necessary here. It’s more like one of those “21st-century relationship” problems that Instapundit is always noticing: Without the simple and predictable pathways of religion or custom to guide them, these kids just drift along in a fog of uncertainty. “Gosh, Maria is really pretty and I’ve always been curious about this, but . . .”
Meanwhile, there’s Mr. Amazing, toward whom Little Miss Boohoo feels this profound loyalty and almost comical adoration: “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. . . . I’m so lucky. I can’t think of anyone better. . . . You’re all the man I want.”
Having heaped so much ridicule on this silly girl — only because she’s a Sex Positive Feminist who thinks Hugo Schwyzer is profound — I’m tired of transcribing her pathetic rant and, honestly, I feel sorry for her. Not because she posted this video for our sarcastic amusement, but because Mr. Amazing refuses to let her fulfill her Teutonic peasant destiny of kinder, küche, kirche.
Dammit, son, take charge! Have her make you a nice dinner of bratwurst and sauerkraut, and then tell her, “Me Tarzan, you Jane.”
Get in touch with your inner patriarch, tell her to get rid of those silly birth-control pills, and as soon as she gets pregnant, take her down to the courthouse and get married. None of that expensive romantic Disney Princess Dream Wedding nonsense, with all the bridesmaids and rehearsals and stuff, just marry the girl and make babies.
Meanwhile, in case anyone wants to see the whole video, let me warn you about the scene where she goes to the male strip show with her girlfriends, and gets a free lap dance from the dancer with tattoos and piercings. (Turns out she’s curious about that, too.)
Not to spoil the denouement, but there’s kind of a happy ending: Her break-up with Mr. Amazing only lasted a week.
They can’t live without each other, and she returned to YouTube all smiley about it. But he still needs to let her do the kinder, küche, kirche thing. It’s her destiny — trust me on this — and I bet she cooks a wonderful bratwurst and sauerkraut casserole. Also, Jello salad.