Mistake No. 1: Not Being Brad Pitt

Posted on | June 21, 2010 | 26 Comments

Steve Bartin at NewsAlert highlights an article (NSFW) with this provocative title:

Fifty Mistakes Men Make
When Having Sex

My own contribution to the list is rather jocular, but let me ask you ladies to imagine this scenario:

You’re visiting Hollywood and, by chance, you encounter Brad Pitt. Say you’re in line at Starbucks together, and strike up a casual conversation. (“Wow, mocha double-skim latte — that’s what I always order!”)
Mirabile dictu, Brad is instantly and irresistibly attracted to you. He’s making the moves and when you start to ask “What about . . .?” he tells you that he has just broken up with Angelina Jolie. And now it is you — only you! — that he desires.
Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom, you hop into Brad’s Porsche and cruise up to his mansion in the Hollywood hills where you . . . err, “get physical.”

Question: In the denouement of this hypothetical scenario, ladies, to what degree is your satisfaction dependent upon Brad Pitt’s mastery of sexual technique?
Answer: Are you kidding me? He’s Brad Pitt!

Granted, his technique is probably at least above-average, as he’s had ample opportunity for practice. Yet even if he were as clumsy in the bedroom as a high-school sophomore on his first date, Brad Pitt would still be Brad Pitt.

Whatever Brad did “wrong” would be tolerated gladly, or you might instruct him on how to do it better. Whereas no matter how much instruction you gave the average Joe Schlubb, you’re not going to teach Joe Schlubb to be Brad Pitt.

This illustrates a point I’ve often made when criticizing the sex-as-technique advice provided every month in women’s magazines like Cosmopolitan. Maybe you’ve never read Cosmo, but certainly you’ve stood in the grocery-store checkout line and gazed at the predictably lurid cover blurbs: “Five Secret Sex Tricks to Drive Your Man Crazy.”

There are many possible objections to the sex-as-technique mentality, but my fundamental criticism is based upon extensive research conducted when I was both a bachelor and a Democrat, and therefore had absolutely no moral scruples. Contemplating my experiences in retrospect, I discerned that there were only two important variables in the overall quality of sexual activity: Looks and enthusiasm.

If a chick was good-looking, that was at least 50% of the game. Beauty easily compensated for any deficiencies of mere technique. But if she was really into it — or rather, if she was really into me — then her enthusiasm rendered technique utterly irrelevant.

Guys will attest to this: If a chick is OMG-I-wanna-rip-your-clothes-off into it, she doesn’t have to do any fancy “tricks” to make it memorable.

All of which is to say that reading a list of “Fifty Mistakes Guys Make When Having Sex” is a complete waste of time.

Just ask yourself, which one of those mistakes could Brad Pitt possibly make that would be a deal-killer?

Of course, you’ll read the list anyway. Loser.

Category: Sex

Comments

26 Responses to “Mistake No. 1: Not Being Brad Pitt”

Excitable Andi
June 21st, 2010 @ 11:21 pm

You’re visiting Hollywood and, by chance, you encounter Brad Pitt. Say you’re in line at Starbucks together, and strike up a casual conversation. (“Wow, mocha double-skim latte — that’s what I always order!”)
Mirabile dictu, Brad is instantly and irresistibly attracted to you. He’s making the moves and when you start to ask ”What about . . .?” he tells you that he has just broken up with Angelina Jolie. And now it is you — only you! – that he desires.
Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom, you hop into Brad’s Porsche and cruise up to his mansion in the Hollywood hills where you . . . err, “get physical.”

It could happen.
Excitable Andi
June 21st, 2010 @ 7:21 pm

You’re visiting Hollywood and, by chance, you encounter Brad Pitt. Say you’re in line at Starbucks together, and strike up a casual conversation. (“Wow, mocha double-skim latte — that’s what I always order!”)
Mirabile dictu, Brad is instantly and irresistibly attracted to you. He’s making the moves and when you start to ask ”What about . . .?” he tells you that he has just broken up with Angelina Jolie. And now it is you — only you! – that he desires.
Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom, you hop into Brad’s Porsche and cruise up to his mansion in the Hollywood hills where you . . . err, “get physical.”

It could happen.
keyboard jockey
June 21st, 2010 @ 11:31 pm

I heard he doesn’t bathe regular that’s a turn off…
keyboard jockey
June 21st, 2010 @ 7:31 pm

I heard he doesn’t bathe regular that’s a turn off…
wombat-socho
June 22nd, 2010 @ 12:29 am

I might go so far as to say that enthusiasm makes up for quite a few shortcomings in looks.
wombat-socho
June 21st, 2010 @ 8:29 pm

I might go so far as to say that enthusiasm makes up for quite a few shortcomings in looks.
ck
June 22nd, 2010 @ 12:37 am

The main problem men have is chasing women that don’t like sex. 60-70% of women don’t really like sex, what they like is what men will do to close the deal.
ck
June 21st, 2010 @ 8:37 pm

The main problem men have is chasing women that don’t like sex. 60-70% of women don’t really like sex, what they like is what men will do to close the deal.
Nancy
June 22nd, 2010 @ 12:39 am

Brad Pitt? Excuse me? That guy has more baggage than American Tourister. No thanks.
Nancy
June 21st, 2010 @ 8:39 pm

Brad Pitt? Excuse me? That guy has more baggage than American Tourister. No thanks.
ck
June 22nd, 2010 @ 12:41 am

Negotiated for sex is roughly 2-3% better than masturbation.I know, I used to date women with advanced degrees.Good bye academia,hello lovin’.
ck
June 21st, 2010 @ 8:41 pm

Negotiated for sex is roughly 2-3% better than masturbation.I know, I used to date women with advanced degrees.Good bye academia,hello lovin’.
Stacy McCain: Technique Isn’t Important for Men in the Sack. | Little Miss Attila
June 21st, 2010 @ 8:46 pm

[…] Right. ‘Cause women are just that simple to satisfy. […]
jefferson101
June 22nd, 2010 @ 1:07 am

How many mistakes can you make? The first one you make would be to read lists like that, unless you are Brad Pitt.

The second one would be being a Movie Star, or a Rock Star. OTOH, given the number of “groupies” that exist today, if you are one of the preceding, it might be just fine for you. You will still have fun, right?

And who are these “women” that you discuss? They are devoted acolytes to the goodness which is the “Star” in question, right?

Technique is for the little people.

Heh.
jefferson101
June 21st, 2010 @ 9:07 pm

How many mistakes can you make? The first one you make would be to read lists like that, unless you are Brad Pitt.

The second one would be being a Movie Star, or a Rock Star. OTOH, given the number of “groupies” that exist today, if you are one of the preceding, it might be just fine for you. You will still have fun, right?

And who are these “women” that you discuss? They are devoted acolytes to the goodness which is the “Star” in question, right?

Technique is for the little people.

Heh.
Roxeanne de Luca
June 22nd, 2010 @ 1:58 am

Ah, but Stacy, you are confusing men with women.

Now, there was a study which said that women are more likely to orgasm when having sex with men who have symmetrical features, all other things being equal (it’s apparently her body’s way of selecting better potential fathers), and as a reserved young woman who is waiting (albeit impatiently) for marriage, I shouldn’t comment too much on a subject of which I have little knowledge… but it’s not about hotness or “technique”, which can kind of make women feel like we are machines (do X, Y, and Z, and we should respond), but about that infernal emotional connection.

Wine. Flowers. Patience in bed. I can guarantee you that if even Brad Pitt (or a newly-single Scott Brown, or a currently-single Tim Burns, just to name a few hotties) were to rush things and start treating the woman whom he is with like a piece of meat, it would be a turn-off.
Roxeanne de Luca
June 21st, 2010 @ 9:58 pm

Ah, but Stacy, you are confusing men with women.

Now, there was a study which said that women are more likely to orgasm when having sex with men who have symmetrical features, all other things being equal (it’s apparently her body’s way of selecting better potential fathers), and as a reserved young woman who is waiting (albeit impatiently) for marriage, I shouldn’t comment too much on a subject of which I have little knowledge… but it’s not about hotness or “technique”, which can kind of make women feel like we are machines (do X, Y, and Z, and we should respond), but about that infernal emotional connection.

Wine. Flowers. Patience in bed. I can guarantee you that if even Brad Pitt (or a newly-single Scott Brown, or a currently-single Tim Burns, just to name a few hotties) were to rush things and start treating the woman whom he is with like a piece of meat, it would be a turn-off.
Employee or Partner, make a ch
June 22nd, 2010 @ 3:07 am

Call me unfair, sexist, misogynist, or whatever: if the woman requires the man to meet a list of non-sex-related demands in order to get sex (presumably because she doesn’t really want it herself, or maybe just because she can) whether those demands are material (buy me dinner, buy me gifts, etc.) or simply jumping through hoops then it is ridiculous for her to expect the man to go out of his way to “satisfy” her during sex – it’s her turn to work, she got what she wanted. If, on the other hand, she’s one of the 1% who doesn’t expect to get “compensated” nor make the man dance for her like a trained poodle to get a treat, then by all means he should do his best to make the experience enjoyable for her, whether that means “technique” or taking better care to make himself more attractive to her or romance or whatever. He should be glad he’s got a one-percenter there!
Employee or Partner, make a choice
June 21st, 2010 @ 11:07 pm

Call me unfair, sexist, misogynist, or whatever: if the woman requires the man to meet a list of non-sex-related demands in order to get sex (presumably because she doesn’t really want it herself, or maybe just because she can) whether those demands are material (buy me dinner, buy me gifts, etc.) or simply jumping through hoops then it is ridiculous for her to expect the man to go out of his way to “satisfy” her during sex – it’s her turn to work, she got what she wanted. If, on the other hand, she’s one of the 1% who doesn’t expect to get “compensated” nor make the man dance for her like a trained poodle to get a treat, then by all means he should do his best to make the experience enjoyable for her, whether that means “technique” or taking better care to make himself more attractive to her or romance or whatever. He should be glad he’s got a one-percenter there!
Red
June 22nd, 2010 @ 3:21 am

Brad Pitt? Ugh. Next time pick a hotter guy, not that old goat-faced Jolie-whipped cliche.
Red
June 21st, 2010 @ 11:21 pm

Brad Pitt? Ugh. Next time pick a hotter guy, not that old goat-faced Jolie-whipped cliche.
Texan99
June 22nd, 2010 @ 3:18 pm

A man will be successful in the sack if he is attentive and generous. If he’s skilled as well, great — but 3 is likely to follow from 1 and 2.
Texan99
June 22nd, 2010 @ 11:18 am

A man will be successful in the sack if he is attentive and generous. If he’s skilled as well, great — but 3 is likely to follow from 1 and 2.
Retired Lothario
June 23rd, 2010 @ 2:29 am

I put a fake name because I have been with one, generally happy, woman my whole life. To put my real name is to tell about her, which real men do not do. However, it took me the first twenty years to figure out that while it is important to avoid the obvious mistakes, generally roughness and lack of consideration, the most significant foreplay was those push ups, starting when I was about fourteen. Invariably, when women hit on me, and they did, to no avail, they lightly touched my guns. Further, in the throes of passion or just before, supporting myself on my arms was not only considerate, but also gave an opportunity for the stroking of the aforementioned guns, which moved the ball down the field, forthwith. I’m sure my enthusiasm helped, in more ways than one, and my later-learned self control, but looking strong and protective got me there, in the beginning, and since.
Retired Lothario
June 22nd, 2010 @ 10:29 pm

I put a fake name because I have been with one, generally happy, woman my whole life. To put my real name is to tell about her, which real men do not do. However, it took me the first twenty years to figure out that while it is important to avoid the obvious mistakes, generally roughness and lack of consideration, the most significant foreplay was those push ups, starting when I was about fourteen. Invariably, when women hit on me, and they did, to no avail, they lightly touched my guns. Further, in the throes of passion or just before, supporting myself on my arms was not only considerate, but also gave an opportunity for the stroking of the aforementioned guns, which moved the ball down the field, forthwith. I’m sure my enthusiasm helped, in more ways than one, and my later-learned self control, but looking strong and protective got me there, in the beginning, and since.
Linkage is Good for You: Best Foot Forward Edition (NSFW)
June 27th, 2010 @ 1:35 pm

[…] Robert Stacy McCain – “Mistake No. 1: Not Being Brad Pitt” […]