The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Ace Hates Him Some Spider-Man

Posted on | December 5, 2013 | 35 Comments

Our hero battles an evil franchise that possesses sinister powers of luring dumb 13-year-old boys to the local multiplex:

Apparently they’re making so much money with bad Spider-Man movies they’ve already greenlit sequels for 2016 and 2018. I guess that’s the ultimate in movie properties — if you can make $750 million with a bad movie, then why the hell not just keep making them forever? . . .
So we all have this continuing Cartoon Nightmare for Adult Children to look forward to for some number of years . . .
Okay, I’m officially done with comic book movies. It took a while to get here, but now I’m agreeing with the cranky guys who’ve been saying “What the hell is this stupid crap?” for eight years.

Here’s a scenario: A lone blogger is transformed by a radioactive bottle of Valu-Rite vodka into a crime-fighting super-hero. He is opposed by the villains, SCOAMF and Pelosi the Botoxed Skeletor.

 

Category: Ace of Spades, Movies

Comments

35 Responses to “Ace Hates Him Some Spider-Man”

  1. MrEvilMatt
    December 5th, 2013 @ 2:23 pm

    Ace Hates Him Some Spider-Man: Our hero battles an evil franchise that possesses sinister powers of luring dum… http://t.co/j3TAzDfrQP

  2. CHideout
    December 5th, 2013 @ 2:23 pm

    Ace Hates Him Some Spider-Man: Our hero battles an evil franchise that possesses sinister powers of luring dum… http://t.co/ffyuaFQEZK

  3. Resista38176897
    December 5th, 2013 @ 2:23 pm

    Ace Hates Him Some Spider-Man: Our hero battles an evil franchise that possesses sinister powers of luring dum… http://t.co/m3cwMhE7q3

  4. Citzcom
    December 5th, 2013 @ 2:23 pm

    Ace Hates Him Some Spider-Man: Our hero battles an evil franchise that possesses sinister powers of luring dum… http://t.co/xlBhRjQszK

  5. jwbrown1969
    December 5th, 2013 @ 2:23 pm

    Ace Hates Him Some Spider-Man: Our hero battles an evil franchise that possesses sinister powers of luring dum… http://t.co/rzyKcjwogP

  6. Lockestep1776
    December 5th, 2013 @ 2:23 pm

    Ace Hates Him Some Spider-Man: Our hero battles an evil franchise that possesses sinister powers of luring dum… http://t.co/vypMS9ePTt

  7. chiefragingbull
    December 5th, 2013 @ 2:26 pm

    RT @AmNewsWatch: Ace Hates Him Some Spider-Man http://t.co/qhbSb0TF4y #tcot #p2 #news

  8. scarymatt
    December 5th, 2013 @ 2:33 pm

    crime-fighting super-heroewok

    FTFY

  9. Eric Ashley
    December 5th, 2013 @ 2:44 pm

    So Ace is saying that he lacks culture. Don’t worry Ace, we’ll put you in a library, teleport it to the bottom of the sea, and if you can use the books to build a paper submersible to escape before the water floods in, you get to survive to fight another day.

  10. Stogie Chomper
    December 5th, 2013 @ 2:54 pm

    I like the concept (of the super hero blogger comic). We need a story line for the first strip.

  11. McGehee
    December 5th, 2013 @ 3:23 pm

    radioactive bottle of Valu-Rite vodka

    That’s hilarious, you implying there are bottles of Valu-Rite vodka that aren’t radioactive. Where do you think they got the word “lit” for “drunk”?

  12. Rigel Kent
    December 5th, 2013 @ 3:36 pm

    What is “SCOAMF”?

  13. Wombat_socho
    December 5th, 2013 @ 3:37 pm

    He doesn’t lack culture. He just doesn’t like yours.

  14. Finrod Felagund
    December 5th, 2013 @ 4:00 pm

    I stopped watching the Spider-Man movies after Sam Raimi wasn’t directing them any more. It’s insulting to be remaking a movie that’s only 10 years old.

    From what I understand, they have to do something with Spider-Man every 5 years or so else the rights revert back to Marvel. That’s also why they’ve been working off and on on a Silver Surfer movie, from what I’ve heard.

  15. Dana
    December 5th, 2013 @ 4:02 pm

    I had to read Ace’s original, just to make certain, but he continued to take the libertarian path; he announced that he was done with comic-book movies, but made no terrible suggestions that they somehow be regulated or banned, which we’d probably have seen from a lefty.

    I am perfectly happy with Stan Lee making yet another pot of money off another Spider-Man movie, though I wish that Steve Ditko could share in the moolah.

  16. Thane_Eichenauer
    December 5th, 2013 @ 4:05 pm

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scoamf

  17. Rigel Kent
    December 5th, 2013 @ 5:36 pm

    Thanks.

  18. tlk244182
    December 5th, 2013 @ 6:29 pm

    In all seriousness, about 4 months ago, when I started reading this blog, I learned that you can type almost anything into the “search” watchamacallit, and about 95% of the time it’ll tell you what you want to know.

  19. RKae
    December 5th, 2013 @ 6:44 pm

    All this comic book stuff fell off the edge when they ripped it out of the hands of children and started making it for adults. Well, actually, adults with the brains of snotty, cynical, self-impressed, pot-smoking 15-year-olds.

    It was a sad day when one generation in the line decided, “No, we’re not going to relinquish these comic books to the next generation behind us. We’re going to hold onto them and drag them into our dim world with us.”

    No life in them. No color. No joy. No swashbuckling. Just a lot of grumbling and whining every time someone gets super-powers. It’s all so pretentious.

  20. Mojo
    December 5th, 2013 @ 6:48 pm

    They’re ALL radioactive, dude. I’m pretty sure…

  21. Quartermaster
    December 5th, 2013 @ 7:04 pm

    I haven’t read a comic book since the 80s, and the only one I read then was “Groo.” “Groo,” a parody of the Knight arrant, was hilarious. The art was done by a guy who had worked for Mad Magazine for years. It finally went under, and I haven’t aeen another worth my time in years.

    Come to think of it, they weren’t worth my time when I was 13. At least that’s what my father said. What did he know?

  22. Spiderman Sequels are driving Ace BSC! | Batshit Crazy News
    December 5th, 2013 @ 7:11 pm

    […] TOM reports on Ace’s angst.  Paul Giamatti in his underwear, what’s not to love? […]

  23. NeoWayland
    December 5th, 2013 @ 7:23 pm

    Can we just get rid of the bad movies?

    I’m still trying to forget Identify Theft. Or that terrible version of Romeo and Juliet from last year.

  24. robcrawford2
    December 5th, 2013 @ 7:41 pm

    Comic books are “culture”?

  25. robcrawford2
    December 5th, 2013 @ 7:42 pm

    ITYM, “the rights revert back to Disney”.

  26. robcrawford2
    December 5th, 2013 @ 7:43 pm

    Bad movies have their places, particularly when they’re so bad they’re good.

    “Kung Pow: Enter the Fist” is a classic. Classic what, I can’t quite say, but classic none-the-less.

  27. NeoWayland
    December 5th, 2013 @ 8:34 pm

    But I like Kung Pow! It’s fun and silly! That’s not bad. Maybe trashy but not bad.

    In my book, rewatchability sets a fun film apart from a bad one. The first time around, The Blair Witch Project was decent bordering on good. But who wants to watch it again? And those Paranormal Activity films? Please. The original True Grit was amazing and still worth a rematch every few years or so. But Wagons East?

    I’d rather watch a guilty pleasure than a bad film.

    Personally I gave up on the Spiderman films after #2. Say what you want about how comic book movies are bad by nature, but Alfred Molina’s performance was brilliant.

  28. Garym
    December 5th, 2013 @ 8:50 pm

    Agreed. Spiderman 3 just plain sucked. The remake wasn’t bad, its just when you do another origin story, so soon after the original origin story, there really wasn’t a movie that was compelling here.

  29. Julie Pascal
    December 5th, 2013 @ 9:08 pm

    The last Thor movie was great. I can’t wait for the next Captain America.

    What’s funny about Spiderman is that I actually had a subscription to the comic when I was a teenager so it’s safe to say that Spiderman was probably my favorite super hero, but I have never “gotten into” a Spiderman movie. I haven’t even seen most of them.

  30. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    December 5th, 2013 @ 10:00 pm

    http://batshitcrazynews.com/2013/12/spiderman-sequels-are-driving-ace-bsc/ Oh, what you have missed…

    Or not!

  31. M. Thompson
    December 5th, 2013 @ 10:05 pm

    Much like growing bacteria.

  32. richard mcenroe
    December 6th, 2013 @ 6:04 pm

    Spiderman peaked a long time ago.
    http://youtu.be/V6wWKAipRiE

  33. Proof
    December 7th, 2013 @ 2:53 pm

    Mild mannered reporter for the Daily MSNBC is bitten on the leg by a radioactive weasel. His Weasel Sense tingles to let him know whenever the deficit is going to be increased.

  34. Dandapani
    December 8th, 2013 @ 10:19 am

    An apt acronym for the BO administration.

  35. Dandapani
    December 8th, 2013 @ 10:25 am

    “Madder than Jessie Jackson at the airport having to answer the White Courtesy phone.” ROTFLMAO!