The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Computer-Induced Tourette’s Syndrome: Concise Definition and Long Explanation

Posted on | March 13, 2011 | 30 Comments

Spontaneous outbursts of profane, vulgar and obscene epithets caused by a computer malfunction.

“Save early, save often” is a maxim I was taught when I first started writing on computers as a new-minted reporter a quarter-century ago. Improvements in technology, however, have made it increasingly easy to ignore that adage — at peril of that rare occasion when the technology decides to ruin my life.

You know the software that auto-updates to save your writing while you’re writing it? Pray that it never goes glitchy when you are three hours into the most penetrating essay you’ve ever written.

Because you will at that moment cuss your way into Hell, and the computer will just sit there, silently mocking your impotent rage.

That was 2,000 words of pure genius, I tell you, and just 200 words short of being published — to the universal applause of a grateful blog-reading world — when this damned computer ate it. No sin of commission on my part caused this, and the improved technology was supposed to protect me from paying the penalty for my sin of omission in not obeying the ancient commandment: Thou Shalt Save Early, and Often.

Either my computer has been possessed by a demon from Hell, or else God Himself did not want me to publish that post.

It is therefore with pious humility that I refuse to start over and attempt to re-create the Legendary Lost Post That Might Have Saved Humanity.

“Too good!” God must have said to Himself. “This McCain fellow is about to reveal to mankind such profound truths, in such brilliantly persuasive arguments, that they will repent their evil ways, seek the path of truth and justice, and thus forestall the apocalyptic doom of my righteous vengeance that their sinful wickedness deserves.”

Glitch.

Gone forever — verily, in the twinkle of an eye! — that finely crafted essay of astonishing genius was destroyed by the Divine Wrath. This is a sign, I tell you, an omen and a portent of cosmic purpose.

Repent! The Day of Judgment is at hand, and I will submit myself to God’s will, by abandoning that too-good-to-be-published post which, like the Tower of Babel, was a monument to human folly. Here I leave merely a notice, my testimony of this revelation of the insuperable sovereignty of the Infinite God.

Three hours of my life He required for this demonstration of His ominscience and omnipotence.

“Go ahead, start writing,” came the command, and so I did. And then, just as my sinful heart became secretly covetous of the enthusiastic praise that this esssay would soon have elicited — you have no idea how good it was, nor will you ever, for God did not want you to see it — the Divine Hand snatched it away.

Glitch.

Please, feel free to laugh at me. My humiliation was clearly part of God’s purpose, too. Whereas I meant to bask in the world’s admiration, God decided to make me an object of the world’s mockery and scorn.

Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

Oh, divine irony, that a proud Protestant should be made to do Lenten penance — digital ashes on the blogospheric forehead, as it were — so that his Catholic friends may join the infidels in scoffing at his injury.

Scoff not, ye papist dogs!

And hit my tip jar, because I tell you that the scars of chastisement on this sinner’s back were meant also as a warning to you.

If God put me to labor so long, only to deprive me of the glory my labor would have attained, still will I be recompensed for my toil and suffering, or else there is no justice in the universe.

Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
– Romans 12:19 (KJV)

Tremble ye sinners, and hit my tip jar with righteous blessings, for God is in the glitches, too.

UPDATE: In the comments below, lots of “helpful advice” from well-meaning friends, as if the devastation of my essay resulted from a shortage of advice, and as if remedying that defict could compensate the three hours snatched away by the hand of the Almighty.

Of course, I would respond in the comments, except that I am blocked from commenting on my own blog, because of all these really nifty “technological improvements.” And next I’ll get “helpful advice” about that problem — advice which will not, however, fix the problem.

That brilliant essay? Ironically enough, one of the topics it addressed was the futility of self-pity.

When God decides to humliate a man, you can be sure He will do a thorough job of it.

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Category: How This Here Internet Thingy Works, Religion

Comments

  • Anonymous

    As in writing software, it’s better the second time it gets written… or at least that’s what I tell myself when I lose work when I’m programming in Java.

  • http://sisu.typepad.com Anonymous

    GOD? I say it was Mother Nature. She always has the last word. A blogger equivalent of the earthquake/tsunami scenario?

  • http://thatmrgguy.wordpress.com/ Mike

    Dontcha just hate when that happens? My problem isn’t a glitch in my computer, it’s more like a glitch between my brain and my fingers…and also when I’m trying to write something, dear wife just has to pipe up with the latest oil or silver prices. Aw jeez, there went my train of thought again. And when my train of thought leaves the track, it almost never returns because I’ve started thinking of something else totally unrelated to what I’d started in the first place.

    P.S. I’d really like to hit your tip jar, but am scraping the bottom of our savings and my small inheritance with no work in the foreseeable future. I might have to send the wife out to stand on street corners if something doesn’t break soon.

  • http://twitter.com/dustbury Charles G Hill

    And to think I complained about *too many* autosaves by WordPress. Then again, I don’t have long, extended Works of Staggering Genius, either.

  • Rob Guitanguran

    Surely Smitty can retrieve that file for you. They never actually go away.

  • http://twitter.com/CathPrdDaughter Mary Rose

    Oh, my dear Stacy. I was thinking of Lenten sacrifice before I read your reference it. I’m not laughing at all. In fact, I groaned when I saw this post. My writing skills aren’t even a fraction as good as yours but there have been times when I wrote a long response to someone and ZAP. It was gone or I was stupid enough to do the “CMD X” instead of “CMD C” to copy it and banished my thoughts into cyber-hell. (Which is maybe where they belonged in the first place.)

    And just to clarify for our non-Lent observing friends – Lent is also a time for fasting and almsgiving. Some alms will be coming your way soon.

  • Joe

    I am sure whatever you lost was even better than this. Which is saying something because you stopped taking opium a ways back.

    I also recommend Carbonite for the hard drive. Just in case.

  • Hal

    Go here, http://www.salsbury.f2s.com/rd_download.htm and download the latest version, which is 3.0 I think, but a very good text editor to use for such. Once you create the title, save it AS *.rtf and it will autosave ever so often. Been using it for many years and it has never failed me. And it’s FREE!

  • gg

    I’m a writer too. I use Firefox as my browser with a variety of plugins to make writing easier. All my work is saved in the cloud using Google Docs. This allows me to easily share projects with clients and keep my documents safe if my system crashes. Additionally, I use two operating systems on separate partitions. I can still deliver on deadlines if one of them crashes.

  • http://proof-proofpositive.blogspot.com/ Proof

    Stacy: Been there, done that. One morning I was working on my blog and Bill Gates kept asking me if I wanted to restart my computer. I kept telling him no, until I went to click something with my mouse, and Bill slipped a restart button under my cursor just as I clicked. I hadn’t shut down or saved anything, and to make matters worse, when my computer rebooted, it said a file had been corrupted and it could no longer start Windows. Gee, thanks, Bill!

    I began that day to understand the unreasoning hatred so many people hold for Bill Gates.

  • gg

    I am a programmer too. Whenever i was forced to rewrite a program, the program generally tended to become leaner and cleaner, not necessarily in the sense that it had fewer lines but in the sense that it had a reduced order of complexity and therefore more efficient and compiled better for a wider range of inputs.

  • Anamika

    gg writes, “I’m a writer too….[snip]”

    In reply to dandapani above, he/she also writes, “I am a programmer too….[snip] ”

    gee…can’t you make up your mind, gg?

    Btw what exactly do you “write” and “code” for a living?

  • gg

    Well, first of all, thanks for your interest, Anamika. I have been writing for several years, including maintaining my own blog and no other job has given me the freedom I need to enjoy my personal life. I specialize in technical writing and have written many medical, legal, and IT related articles.

    Although most of the intense coding i have done was during my academic years, I am also an expert at Search Engine Optimization and have received much praise from my clients for improving their site rankings on Google. My commitments are important to me. Writing is my only job and i keep my clients happy, which is the best way to keep it.

  • http://www.redstateeclectic.typepad.com AngelaTC

    It wasn’t God. It was the government. They don’t want us to know the truth, and the CIA has secret backdoor software that shuts all computers down when certain phrases appear in certain documents.

    (/end conspiracy whackjob imitation)

  • http://thecampofthesaints.org Bob Belvedere

    Since I experienced a number of ‘God’s testing me!!!’ moments in the mid-1990′s, I have always followed this procedure:

    1) When working on any kind or document or spreadsheet, position the mouse pointer over the Save button.

    2) Make sure the mouse is easily accessible, but not close enough to your right arm where you can easily cause it to move.

    3) After finishing each paragraph or if you’re going to stop typing in the document for a moment: hit the Right Click on the mouse.

    It took me a while to get into this habit, but it has served me well and I have only failed to automatically do it if I am suffering from the effects of a bad ice cube the next day, IYKWIMAITYD, or am on medication.

    NOTE I: When working on something where I need to use the mouse a lot [like a Rule 5 photo], I have gotten in the habit of hitting S after I do each individual bit of work.

    NOTE II: When leaving a Comment on a blog, I hit A then C before I try to post it.

    PS: You are, truly, the Job of the Blogopshere.

  • Pete

    Look at the bright side, it could have been far worse. It wasn’t the rule 5 Sunday post that was lost.

  • Anonymous

    Yup, what gg said!

  • http://thecampofthesaints.org Bob Belvedere
  • http://norunnyeggs.com steveegg

    Dammit, Stace. Why didn’t you tell me about the commenting problem while I was at CPAC? Double-check the blacklist settings in DISQUS (under Moderation Settings).

  • Joe

    An ancient tale that never grows old…

    Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows XP Windows 7 on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows XPWindows 7 CD. To my surprise he threw it into my microwave oven and turned it on. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: ‘Do not worry, it is unharmed.’ After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: ‘Take a close look at it.’ To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I had ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

    12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE820945092OF923A40EElOE5 I OCC98D444AA08EI

    ‘I cannot understand the fiery letters,’ I said in a timid voice.
    ‘No but I can,’ he said. ‘The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:

    One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
    One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

    It is only two lines from a verse long known in System-lore:

    “Three OS’s from corporate-kings in their towers of glass,
    Seven from valley-lords where orchards used to grow,
    Nine from dotcoms doomed to die,
    One from the Dark Lord Gates on his dark throne
    In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.
    One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
    One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them,
    In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.”‘

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1385852725 Richard Mcenroe

    It’s OK, Stace. Little Miss Attilah already tweeted us you were wrong…

  • http://proof-proofpositive.blogspot.com/ Proof

    Joe: I believe!

  • Anonymous

    I’m not here to offer any advice or anything, just a little sympathy. I’m sorry that happened to you, I’d hit the tip jar but I’m broke until someone hits mine. It stinks that you lost what was surely the best post ever in the history of blogdom, but I hope you can find some small comfort in the knowledge that I think all your posts are pretty awesome.

  • Anonymous

    For what little it’s probably worth I’ve had that sudden loss when writing in word, much to my surprise the following day when I started my laptop the next day and opened word I got a message saying that an unknown document had turned up. Have no idea how that worked, dumb luck is still good luck.

  • Anonymous

    Rule 5 Sunday will be on Monday this week. :(

  • http://twitter.com/utroukx kerry

    i wish i’d read this entry earlier.

  • http://theothermccain.com smitty

    I both write and code, too. The difference between English and Python is that the creativity is occurring at a different level.

  • http://theothermccain.com smitty

    I blame the Progressive attack on our Precious Bodily Fluids.

  • http://norunnyeggs.com steveegg

    You do have to keep purity of essence.

  • Anonymous

    It wasn’t God. It was the government. They don’t want us to know the truth, and the CIA has secret backdoor software that shuts all computers down when certain phrases appear in certain documents.

    I fully agree.

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    http://www.win8forum.net

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