Like Islanders Mystified by Lack of Cargo, Blogger Weeps at Altar of the ‘Lanche God

Posted on | October 2, 2011 | 63 Comments

Ceremonial cross of John Frum cargo cult on the island of Vanuatu

Something has gone drastically wrong, and I can’t figure out what it is. About a month ago, as Wombat noted in his Aug. 28 FMJRA round-up, we got no fewer than six Instalanches in the span of a single week. There are bloggers who’ve worked for years without getting a ‘Lanche, and so we may have exhausted our karmic quota of linky-love that week, which would explain the 17% decline of traffic from August to September.

An extrapolation of that trend would mean that unless this problem can be reverse-engineered and corrected — unless we can get the blog back into the “sweet zone” — our traffic will decline to near-zero by this time next year. At least, that’s what my calculations show, but I was never much for advanced math.

Despite my wife’s pleadings (“Stacy, get off the computer before you go crazy. No, wait. Let me re-phrase that . . .” ) I’ve devoted many hours to examining causes of my increasing ‘Lanchelessness, pondering the snowball of anti-momentum that threatens to destroy everything we’ve worked so hard to build. And what brought this to the crisis point today was the professor’s post at 2:21 p.m.:

MICHAEL BARONE: Time To Raise Cain To Contender Status.
More on Cain from Jennifer Rubin.

What was the point of devoting ten long months to covering the Herman Cain campaign — going back to the days of “Herman Who?” — if nothing I’ve written about Cain since his Florida Straw Poll victory is ‘Lanche-worthy? The message seems to be that I have nothing meaningful to say on the subject, now that fully-employed professional Washington political experts have taken notice of the guy.

Because I don’t know nothing about no Herman Cain.

Perhaps other bloggers can join me in the Kübler-Ross grieving process here. There must be a support group somewhere for washed-up bloggers who know in their hearts they will never have that Susannah Breslin mojo. (Super-human willpower was required to resist the temptation to answer “Why No One Reads Your Blog.”)

Whenever I do a post like this, of course, I get comments from bloggers who tell me how much worse their own plight is: Their best day’s traffic was measured in the dozens, they’ve never had so much as a Surber-lanche, their cat is dying from a rare form of cancer, et cetera.

But enough about Dan Collins. Let’s talk about me.

The worst part about confessing to Fear of a ‘Lancheless Planet is the likelihood that it will inspire mockery by James Wolcott, who manages to maintain full-time employment as a Vanity Fair contributing editor despite the fact that (a) he never does any reporting, (b) his “blog” is generally a collection of reflexive liberal prejudices expressed in sneering condescension, and (c) nobody ever reads his blog unless conservatives link it as a joke. So you know I’m really down in the dumps when I risk giving Wolcott an opportunity to gloat.

Nevertheless, like the residents of Vanuatu engaging in rituals to bring the return of John Frum, the mysterious decline of linky-love seems to require cultic ceremonial gestures or some other expression of superstitious belief. Your suggestions are requested. Perhaps we’ll change our blog name to “The Other Susannah Breslin.”

The blog gods are angry and must be appeased.

UPDATE (Oct. 6): John Frum returns with cargo! As cultic priest, my mojo has been validated! Let us give thanks!

Comments

63 Responses to “Like Islanders Mystified by Lack of Cargo, Blogger Weeps at Altar of the ‘Lanche God”

Adjoran
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:14 pm

On the plus side, if the Professor needs a post on whining about Florida’s primary move, you OWN that topic.
smitty
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:14 pm

Well, since you didn’t mention chopped liver, the self-esteem issues probably are not too severe.
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:22 pm

Perhaps if you knocked 15% off the freakin’ tip jar…..
Richard Mcenroe
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:30 pm

Don’t worry Stacy! Now that the Pro from Kabul is back, things will shape up…!
Bob Belvedere
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:32 pm

Yeah, when he brings out the chopped liver, you know it’s a major case of Black Dog.
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:32 pm

On the plus side, if the Professor needs a post on whining about Florida’s primary move, you OWN that topic.

Oh, now I own it. But if, next week or next month, Byron York does a column about the Florida-induced front-loading, Insty will link York’s column as if I’d never said a word about it.

That is to say, that’s what Insty will do unless this candle-encircled shrine next to my desk has the desired effect of clearing away the Aura of Insty-Hate that has suddenly and inexplicably descended upon the blog.
Bob Belvedere
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:35 pm

Nevertheless, like the residents of Vanuatu engaging in rituals to bring the return of John Frum…

Could we send them David Frum?
smitty
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:38 pm

Wow, that’s rough.
smitty
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:38 pm

Wow, that’s rough.
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:38 pm

Why do you hate the good people of Vanuatu, sir?
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:38 pm

Why do you hate the good people of Vanuatu, sir?
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:39 pm

On both Fox and ABC, Cain is riding Perry-is-racist-because-of-that-rock wave, serially calling Perry “insensitive,” which is a modern weasel-word for “racist.” Defend that, Mr. McCain. Insty will link, because he wants to like Cain.
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:39 pm

On both Fox and ABC, Cain is riding Perry-is-racist-because-of-that-rock wave, serially calling Perry “insensitive,” which is a modern weasel-word for “racist.” Defend that, Mr. McCain. Insty will link, because he wants to like Cain.
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:41 pm

You slacked off on the puppies for his smoothies, didn’t you, Boss?
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:41 pm

You slacked off on the puppies for his smoothies, didn’t you, Boss?
Joseph Fein
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:48 pm

RS,

There are a few ways I get ‘Laches from the ‘Lanche G-d:

1) Go after MSM Establishment figures;

2) Go after Establishment GOP vs. Local Yokels;

3) Goth up the post and

4) Point up the Los Angeleno angle; and

5) Delve into Roman Republic and Roman Empire History and compare to today.

However, I own the last three beats. I got lucky after a week of not blogging that my Cold Civil war post got picked up (see #5).

Maybe you can promote his Tip Jar too (just like I do for you on my sidebar).

Or you can be a Gothy Angeleno who studied up on Roman History, but anything is possible.
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:49 pm

While I was composing this post, Ali Akbar called to tell me about that story. The only people who seem to have noticed it are (a) Perryphiles and (b) Cainphobics. Unless it develops into a Memeorandum-topping brouhaha, my instinct is to ignore it.

Also: In case you didn’t notice, my main contact with the Cain campaign just quit her job, so I don’t know how I could do any actual reporting on this story and would be merely another commenter atop the blogger dogpile.
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:53 pm

Or the Smitty Method: Cthulhu!
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 9:57 pm

That hasn’t worked for Moe Lane, and our neighbor is far more into the Mythos than Smitty or myself.
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 10:10 pm

I’m not crazy about Perry, and rereading my comment, my characterization of Cain as accusing Perry of racism is a bit over the top. But I am kinda miffed that Cain pulled a Pawlenty and bought into the MSM narrative, then used to criticize Perry. (Remember when Pawlenty refused to defend Palin during the “blood libel” incident, and said that would not use a Palin-like campaign map.)
Jamie Jeffords
October 2nd, 2011 @ 10:30 pm

I suggest you go from successfully reviewing The X-Files and move on to Star Trek: Voyager. The change will not prompt an Instalanche, but you will lose an average of 2,000 readers a day, so it will take the sting out of being snubbed by Insty. As a bonus, you will attract lesbians with a Kate Mulgrew fetish.

At least that is what I did.
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 10:32 pm

While I’m not a mathematical genius or rocket scientist (I’m sure the latter has something to do with the study of launches) but perhaps the great disparity between the number of Sept 2011 and Oct. 2011 hits as recorded at the site meter you linked is at least in part due to the fact that today is only Oct 2nd, just sayin.

If you’re not getting launched as often as you prefer you haven’t done a good fem bashing lately. Does the number of comments have no correlation to number of hits? I ask because Feb. was the onset of the Arab spring which I seem to remember was pretty lively in the way of comments.
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2011 @ 11:17 pm

attract lesbians with a Kate Mulgrew fetish.

You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Bob Belvedere
October 3rd, 2011 @ 12:03 am

Sacrifices have to be made, sir! And if a few Vanuatuians have to get hurt to save America, well then, so be it.
Paco
October 3rd, 2011 @ 12:08 am

I’ve been linked once or twice by Instapundit, and the main result was that I got a lot of spam in the comments section, and, as far as I can tell, little or no repeat business from the few genuine first-time readers who dropped by. I think the whole instalanche thing is overblown, and in the context of blog cosmology, the importance placed on a link from Reynolds is practically idolatrous.

Link not and be damned for it, I say.
Anonymous
October 3rd, 2011 @ 12:21 am

Well, you could add a little more sex to your blog to get Glenn to link you more. Have you tried a column on “Ten Things that Turn Lesbians into Nymphomaniacs the Screw Law Professors Like Rabbits.”

On the other hand, since you lost your contact with the Cain campaign, here’s some news:

Herman Cain wins Republican Women’s Straw Poll

The National Federation of Republican women held
a straw poll at their 36th Biennial Convention in Kansas City on Saturday, 10/1/2011. Herman Cain won overwhelmingly with 48.9%.

Cain 48.9%
Perry 14.1%
Romney 13.3%
Gingrich 12.5%
Santorum 6.9%

Who is your second choice
Cain 23.8%
Gingrich 20.8%
Perry 15.9%
Romney 12.9%

Which candidate is most likely to beat Obama?
Cain 31.3%
Romney 24.6%
Perry 19.4%
Santorum 2.0%

Supporters of other candidates are now beginning to disparage straw polls. That’s fair, but this straw poll was a little different. Just keep in mind that while straw polls are not elections, the emergence of Cain is unique. In order to vote in the Republican Women’s poll you had to be a delegate to their convention, unlike straw polls that can bus supporters in. Second, unlike Ron Paul, Cain does not represent a movement like the Libertarians who form voting blocs and can
effectively overwhelm straw polls that make Paul look more popular than he is. Third, it takes more than a 75 cent taco to go to the Republican Women’s Convention is Kansas City (take it from me). Women have flown in from all parts of the country at significant expense to be there. Straw polls are not elections, but Cain gave an electrifying, persuasive speech to a cross section of active Republican women and got an overwhelming endorsement. And a final
point, Republican women make up a lot of the worker bees during an election, passing out literature, going door to door, manning the polls. That’s why elected Republican officials pay them a lot of attention. Republican women did to go to Kansas City to give Herman Cain a win in the straw poll. The fact that he won big was solely due to his ability to convince the delegates that he was the one they wanted for President. That’s big.
Datechguy's Blog » Blog Archive » Cause and effect Occupy Wall Street Edition
October 2nd, 2011 @ 8:22 pm

[…] 2: Double Instalanche, Sorry Stacy. Share […]
Anonymous
October 3rd, 2011 @ 12:32 am

Or for that matter even if a few Frums have to get hurt.
Charles G. Hill
October 3rd, 2011 @ 12:53 am

The effect of an Instalanche is wildly variable. Once I got a whole fifty-three visitors; once I got thirteen thousand.
JeffS
October 3rd, 2011 @ 1:09 am

Especially if a few Frums get hurt. David Frum in particular needs a good ass whuppin’.
Anonymous
October 3rd, 2011 @ 1:13 am

Did I mention that I brought Cain’s win with the Republican women to his attention. But did he link? NO! NO! A thousand times NO! Instead he linked to dead ender, dinosaur media no-names like Barone and Rubin who are paid for this crap and (1) are writing snorers and (2) rehashing last week’s news.

It’s a conspiracy, I tell you. Let’s get him!
Anonymous
October 3rd, 2011 @ 1:27 am

Hm, I begin to see the benefits of deporting David Frum to the Polynesians who are expecting the return of John Frum.
Anonymous
October 3rd, 2011 @ 1:28 am

I just missed a golden opportunity to get us into first place on Google for “Kate Mulgrew nude lesbian”, didn’t I?
:facepalm:
Anonymous
October 3rd, 2011 @ 1:29 am

It’s been tried before. He’s too big.
Zilla of the Resistance
October 3rd, 2011 @ 2:26 am

Having never gotten an instalanche, I cannot advise, but I hope you figure out how to make it happen and pass your wisdom along to little nobodies like me.
I can tell you what not to do if traffic concerns you:
Don’t write about the horrible persecution and brutality that Christians are suffering under the relentless genocidal anti-Christian jihad. I do it because somebody has to give these people a voice, but it KILLS my traffic big time because nobody cares. I know you’re not an anti-jihad blogger, but you are a Christian, so if you ever feel compelled to speak out against the growing holocaust against our brothers and sisters in Christ that nobody wants to talk about, I advise you not to, because it will kill your traffic and nobody cares.
I’m sorry that people stole your thunder on Herman Cain, that totally ain’t right at all.
I hope you get many instalanches and tip jar hits & that you feel better soon.
JeffS
October 3rd, 2011 @ 2:41 am

I’ve been the subject of an Instalanche, not the target.

So I’m fresh out of advice.
Joe
October 3rd, 2011 @ 3:24 am

You should have snapped up the Michael Barnone column when I pointed it out to you this morning. Yeah he is following your lead (who was first backing Mr. Cain?). Then you would have looked reinforced by the August Don Barone. But you didn’t and Insty leap frogged right over you to Barone. To add insult to injury, he also linked skeptic moderate RINO lover Jen Rubin. In short:

You snooze, you lose.
Anonymous
October 3rd, 2011 @ 3:25 am

Seeing as it IS the top story at Memeorandum and the Politico is linking Al Sharpton and Cain in their criticism of Perry, it might be hard NOT to ignore this story. Cain has certainly lost my support over this. Joining the Democrats in playing the race card on a fellow Republican without doing any research on the story may have seemed like a good move to him. I’m thinking, maybe not. Perhaps he should have hired a new communications director before making his thoughts on this subject public.
Rose
October 3rd, 2011 @ 3:46 am

Cain Wins Near-Majority in Presidential Straw Poll of National Federation of Republican Women
Cain received 48.9 percent of the 505 total votes cast, with Rick Perry placing a distant second and Mitt Romney placing third. The poll featured nine Republican presidential candidates.“In a straw poll with this many candidates on the ballot, it is unusual for one candidate to receive almost half of the votes,” said Karen Floyd, former chair of the South Carolina Republican Party and publisher of PalladianView.com, which conducted the poll. “It is very impressive.”
Rose
October 3rd, 2011 @ 4:19 am

Excellent points!
Adjoran
October 3rd, 2011 @ 6:05 am

Try renaming the family vehicle the Tech Central Station Wagon.
Adjoran
October 3rd, 2011 @ 6:15 am

And now Moe is subbing for Ace, which doesn’t seem to help with the Blogfather.
Adjoran
October 3rd, 2011 @ 6:22 am

Sadly, most of our comments actually decrease hits, sometimes even withdrawing those which have already occurred.

The biggest drop was probably a result of the Andrea Dworkin Naked series, which I understand is being used to inure disaster responders to horrible visuals.

But I do believe Stacy was bemoaning the drop from August to September, not September to October.
Adjoran
October 3rd, 2011 @ 6:32 am

Ah, Moneyrunner, you could have asked with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even thing to call him “Blogfather.”
Anonymous
October 3rd, 2011 @ 8:21 am

You should have snapped up the Michael Barnone column when I pointed it out to you this morning.

I could not bring myself to cite a column that begins, “Is Herman Cain a serious contender for the Republican presidential nomination? It’s a question no one in the pundit world was asking until the past week.”

“[N]o one in the pudnit world was asking until last week”? Because of a couple of polls and a Daniel Henninger column? My God, Joe, I’ve been covering the Cain campaign since December. How many American Spectator columns did I write about Cain before Henninger wrote his WSJ column?

What this shows is how a lack of influence becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: Nobody pays attention to what I write because I’m not important, and I’m not important because nobody pays attention to what I write. And so when, after all these long months, Herman Cain’s surge finally causes others to notice, I get zero credit and even Insty cites Barone and ignores me.

Where is the incentive, therefore, for a blogger to do actual reporting, to beat the MSM to the story, when even the Blogfather himself seems to dismiss reporting done by bloggers as lacking credibility?
CoolChange
October 3rd, 2011 @ 8:25 am

Herman Cain is at best a shady businessman at worst a crook. Cain is so full crap and in Enron style garbage.
http://atlantapost.com/2011/05/25/a-real-reason-to-be-mad-at-herman-cain/

http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/05/herman-cain-aquila-lawsuit-2012#xdm_e=http%3A%2F%2Fmotherjones.com
Bob Belvedere
October 3rd, 2011 @ 12:09 pm

The Atlanta Post and Mother ‘Freakin’ Jones!

http://thecampofthesaints.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/troll-doll-twohead-01.jpg
McGehee
October 3rd, 2011 @ 12:12 pm

Somebody’s scared.
Joe
October 3rd, 2011 @ 1:26 pm

But Stacy, that should have been your story. Hey, I (RSM) have been noting that Herman Cain is a contender and look who showed up to the party a year later? Mike Barone! He even dragged Jen “RINO whisperer” Rubin along, kicking along behind him.

It is a total vindication of what you predicted that one day the tipping point would be reached and all the pundits who said Cain had no chance would suddently be talking of nothing else. That is starting with Barone suggesting Cain is a contender. There are still doubters out there but if the Herminator keeps building momentum…

HERMAN CAIN IS A CONTENDER? I HEARD IT AT THE OTHER MCCAIN FIRST.

So Glenn Reynolds! Please remember Robert Stacy McCain. He was there before everyone (other than Herman).
Joe
October 3rd, 2011 @ 1:29 pm

Barone is linked on Drudge today.

There is no justice in the world sometimes. But we know who was first.

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The Other McCain

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Like Islanders Mystified by Lack of Cargo, Blogger Weeps at Altar of the ‘Lanche God

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