The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

White House Responses To Petitions

Posted on | October 31, 2011 | 14 Comments

by Smitty (via Slashdot)

It seems like a good time to review the WhiteHouse.gov petition site. After all, if you’re a Constitution weenie, and/or you’ve been following Ott’s excellent exposition, you may know that the right to petition the government is a big deal. I got about halfway through the lot, so here goes:

How bow now, cow?

Title Votes Snark
Put more pressure on the government of china for the end of the border control Dr. Zhicheng Hu so he may come home. 162 Hu?
calls upon the People’s Republic of China to put an end to its repression in Tibet as demonstrated by the ongoing unrest 3,997 Are you willing to give up your iPhone for those poor folks in the sweat shop who made it?
Support Sri Lanka’s Effort to Establish Lasting Peace and Stability through a Domestic Reconciliation Process 418
formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race – Disclosure. 11,845 Must. Not. Make. Kucinich. Joke.
not veto Palestine’s application to become a member of the United Nations. 5,646 No.
Immediately disclose the government’s knowledge of and communications with extraterrestrial beings 5,320 By Jupiter, we must Nep-tune out all Plutocratic jokes, he said Saturninely.

Since liberty is too harhd, can we just get potted?

Title Votes Snark
Replace Gil Kerlikowske 307 We thought ‘Drug Czar’ had a silent “z”, and when we asked where he parked the ‘Drug Car’, he got all snippy and stuff.
Publicly Request the Resignation of Gil Kerlikowske. 898
Open for debate the full legalization, taxation, and regulation of Marijuana, and not simply deny the people that debate 865 How about making dope a non-federal issue?
Respond to each of the 7 marijuana related petitions individually instead of one canned response. 1,017 One cannabis response is too harhd? Just keep smoking, hippy.
Regulate cigarettes and alcohol in a similar manner to marijuana since they are more dangerous to your health. 1,459 Ah, the old “If I can’t have mine, you can’t have yours” argument. Ha ha! I’ll forego cigars until I die, if you prefer; they’re unimportant.
Regulate Tobacco and Alcohol in a manner similar to Marijuana and other currently illegal substances. 1,613 More government regulation! What was the question again?
Respond to the marijuana legalization petition with an argument that doesn’t also apply to alcohol. 2,616 You don’t smoke liquids?
Regulate alcohol and tobacco in the same manner as marijuana. 2,448 Repetition is the key to humor.
regulate tobacco and alcohol in a manner similar to marijuana. 1,894 Repetition is the key to humor.
Fund a clinical trial to determine the effectiveness of high-dose cannabis extracts for the treatment of cancers. 2,449 Get stoned for science!
Allow Industrial Hemp to be Grown in the U.S. Once Again 20,963 Sure, capitalism. But is that what this is really about?
Stop all current DOJ, DEA, ONDCP, and IRS attacks against medical cannabis dispensaries in California. 6,602 Leave that harmless, mellow, happy bud alone!
End the destructive, wasteful and counterproductive “War on Drugs” 19,249 Ah, but if you do still more drugs, you can view government activity as economically preductive.

We want to be able to make an ass of myself without having something to cry about.

Title Votes Snark
Ban the use of Tear Gas on citizens. 552

We haven’t glommed onto the fact that this Administration is pissing down our backs and calling it climate change.

Title Votes Snark
Actually take these petitions seriously instead of just using them as an excuse to pretend you are listening 7,313 Sorry, you’ll have to buy some Congressmen.
Take petitions seriously. 3,154 Have you kept up your DNC contributions? That’s how we do things here now.

We think we are Abraham, DC is Sodom, and there are a Lot of no-kidding civil servants left. Maybe.

Title Votes Snark
Reform the FDA and remove all corrupt FDA officials 784

We think that adding enough additional power to DC can help finish The Magic Wand of Fairness project.

Title Votes Snark
Strengthen our democracy by publicly financing all elections so that money cannot buy anyone a member of congress. 1,002 Nothing short of increased individual citizen involvement is going to help. Get your blog on.
Stop requiring Army MEDEVAC helicopters in Afghanistan to paint red crosses on their sides and go unarmed into combat. 1,372 This actually goes into International Law territory, so, sorry.
Replace the Affordable Care Act with H.R. 676 688 Also known as “The ObamaCare Doesn’t Suck Enough, But We Have Hard Vacuum Available Right Here Bill”. Not just no, but Get Stuffed No. I wouldn’t trust Conyers to sponsor the bill for dinner.
Make Elections Transparent and Verifiable 1,570 For a glance, I am not sure these words mean what Occupy Community thinks the mean. Or is this CardCheck-esque?
Propose an amendment to the Constitution clarifying its protections as covering natural persons unless specified. 1,666 Wait, this is not pro-life, but, rather, anti-corporation.
Restore democracy by ending corporate personhood. 15,892 I had been thinking socialism was the chief threat to Democracy. Now I know it’s those capitalist corporations.
Re-establish and maintain the separation between investment banks and commercial banks. 16,347 Why don’t we just let bad banks go ahead and fail? A market is a self healing entity.
Reallocate Defense funds to NASA. 10,037 Can NASA waste money more efficiently than the DoD?
Repeal the Patriot Act 14,653 It does need some work.
End the Patriot Act 7,936 But how many U.S. terrorism casualties would be enough to re-think it?
Remove tax exemption from churches and allow them to apply like a non-profit organization 10,693 Then, every pulpit in America could become politicized, which is un-desirable.

Number one priorities, along with job creation.

Title Votes Snark
Direct the US Forest Service to move the devotional Jesus shrine from federal property atop Big Mountain (Montana). 589 Would I care more or less if was a Star of David? An Islamic crescent? An Aqua-buddha?
Stop allowing Death Camp policies in Assisted Living Facilities, Long Term Care & Alzheimers homes supporting negligence 729 Death Camp policies. Really. Close to a Godwin’s Law violation, there.
Make the crisis of child sexual abuse a national priority 1,898 Don’t we have to manufacture the ‘crisis’ first? Not to make light of the actual victims here, mind you; rather, the hysterical, frequently badly-researched emotional appeals involved.
Add Acupuncture to Medicare-Medicaid to Save Resources and End Much Suffering! 4,318 Another deck of guns for the Wasa!

Fare is what you pay to ride a bus. Fair is where you go on the bus. Pharaoh is not the guy you want enforcing fairness.

Title Votes Snark
ensure that brain injury survivors have access to the same quality of rehabilitative care as Gabby Giffords received. 384 I’m guessing that if people want to run for office, win elections, earn that level of health care, and take a shot to the dome, they can be ensured of the same quality health care. Don’t forget a little Providence to bring it all together.

Coked-out bats and other animal problems are, like, totally harshing the mellow.

Title Votes Snark
Fund the fight against White-nose Syndrome in the President’s Fiscal Year 2013 budget. 1,037 While this could really be a legitimate federal task, the President hasn’t really shown a grasp of much beyond a golf club.
End the need to euthanize millions of homeless pets in local animal control costing billions to taxpayers. 1,172 This is not an example of a federal task. See, the word ‘local’ should be a clue that your dog is barking up a tree near you. Fix it? Yes You Can!
Protect the dunes sagebrush lizard under the Endangered Species Act 9,031 If we spread these lizards across more productive land, we can use the ESA to flog the economy more. For The Win!
Save the dunes sagebrush lizard by protecting it under the Endangered Species Act. 6,987 Can we bring salvation to the sagebrush lizard without an Establishment Clause violation? Discuss.
Stop Animal Homelessness at Its Roots 11,206 Real quick now: plants have roots. Animals do not. This is not a federal problem. Breath.
Support a Ban on Horse Slaughter 6,255 So that everyone can have a pony, yo!

Help us help you gather more votes.

Title Votes Snark
Reinstate the tax exempt status of Graduate Student Stipends 2,745 When we recall that education of individuals is not a federal task, we shall have learned something.
Champion Investment in Head Start as a Window of Opportunity for Vulnerable Children 1,135 Remember, boys and girls, the earlier we set the dependency hook the better.
Abolish electronic voting. Revert back to public display of ballot counting. 1,670 Is this a make-work bid? I’ve been voting electronically for over a decade with no ill effects.
grant clemency to Native American activist Leonard Peltier without delay. 5,515 Well, since he murdered some FBI agents. . .NO.

Petitions that don’t actually suck:

Title Votes Snark
Support H.R. 822, the National Right-to-Carry Reciprocity Act of 2011 991 This is never going to fly with such a legitimate title. They should call it “The Free Cheeseburgers for Women Named Michelle Act” for speedy arterial clogging.
Call an Investigation into Allegations of FBI Misconduct and Civil Rights Violations in the Guard Shack Sting Operation 788 Holder everything!
Reform the FDA Drug Approval Process and Increase HSV 1/2 Research Funding 373 Has to be undertaken along with tort and patent reform. Which means you have to convince a lot of peole who add no economic value to be a smaller load on the system. Best wishes with that.
Re-establish and maintain the separation between investment banks and commercial banks. 16,347 Oh, heck yeah! Enough to spell ‘Solyndra’ on the roof! Brilliant!
SUPPORT more aggressive SARCOIDOSIS RESEARCH, add SARCOIDOSIS & it’s Complications to SSA Compassionate Allowance List! 770 Sure, medical research benefits all.
Provide Funding for Liquid-Fluoride Thorium Reactor (LFTR) Research and Development for Energy Independence. 1,466 Nuke it!
Restore humane horse slaughter to improve horse welfare, stop needless & wasteful suffering & create jobs. 5,438 Common sense never goes out of style, though it has gone out of favor on the Left.
protect consumers, create jobs and generate revenue by licensing and regulating online poker. 8,742 I wouldn’t play, but can’t figure out who other than Harry Reid would be against it.
Direct the Patent Office to Cease Issuing Software Patents 14,744 Yes. And take a club to the existing ones. Patents for sunk costs in capital make sense; code, not so much.

Unsorted:

promote legislation to prevent public schools from starting earlier than 8 a.m. 1,400
Remove restrictions that prevent spouses of Legal Permanent Residents (Green Card Holders) to be reunited with families. 1,007
Protect Greater Canyonlands 1,952
Preserve our states’ rights to decide who can carry hidden, loaded guns. 8,671
End US aid to Israel during duration of conflict with Palestinians. 1,572
Remove Racial and Ethnic Classifications from the U.S. Census 823
Secure a UN Security Council resolution with limited Chapter 7 response to the on-going genocide by the Syrian regime. 438
Release all non-violent drug offenders. Release all inmates who are incarcerated for cannabis related crimes. 4,456
Cut off the $1.3B in aid annually to Egypt, unless they bring to justice the killers of the massacre of Coptic Christian 5,044
protect political and religious rights in Egypt. 3,097
Grant DREAM Act Eligible Youth Administrative Relief. 2,250
Update the Food Allergen Labeling and Consumer Protection Act (FALCPA) of 2004 to include sesame and mustard seeds. 1,262
Free Jonathan Pollard 1,601
Pardon Jonathan Pollard 2,097
Free PFC Bradley Manning, the accused WikiLeaks whistleblower. 6,115
Cut funding for invasive research on chimpanzees. 4,400
Cooperate with the congressional investigation into the BATFE’s failed Fast and Furious “Gun Walker” program. 987
Ensure greater emphasis and support for drug prevention. 2,160
Foreign GRADUATES with ADVANCED U.S.DEGREES (M.S.& PhD.) should get GREEN CARDS. They promote innovation & job creation. 5,547
revisit its decision on the retired Space Shuttle Enterprise and award it to National Museum of the USAF in OH. 6,178
REPEAL ALABAMA’S HB56. State of Alabama and Senator Scott Beason have created a bill of HATRED and RACIAL PROFILING 3,796
Save the Postal Service 5,706
Create legislation protecting pets in disaster areas with a focus on reunification and owner rights. 1,126
TO ENFORCE THE MANDATE OF GIDEON V. WAINWRIGHT 1,292
ban the use of gas chambers for killing shelter companion animals. They are inhumane, expensive and dangerous to humans. 7,810
immediately push for the EPA’s full recommended investment in water infrastructure, creating nearly 1.9 million jobs. 2,976
Demand Congress to approve All forms of Sarcoidosis as a disability and demand congress to fund research for Sarcoidosis 803
Make a statement to the Occupy Together movement and let us know our message is being received by our elected officials. 2,714
Petition to increase manpower and system efficacy of the BATFE’s National Firearms Act branch. 635
End the Military’s Discrimination against Non-Religious Service Members 5,252
CURB FERC regulations, which overreach and overregulate the shorelines of its hydroelectric projects. 5,386
support an international investigation into war crimes and other human rights abuses committed in Sri Lanka 5,786
Preserve 6 Day Mail Delivery 9,200
Change the motto of the United States of America to “E Pluribus Unum” 5,811
Announce and Implement the NATIONAL ECONOMIC SECURITY AND REFORMATION ACT – NESARA 5,515
Extend the validity period of F1 student visas to be commensurate with the academic program or allow renewal within U.S. 6,261
KEEP KIDS ALIVE. Allocate more funds towards CHILDHOOD CANCER RESEARCH. 5,448
Holders of valid, legal visas should be able to renew their visa without having to exit the country 8,696
repeal the Government Pension Offset and the Windfall Elimination Provision and restore SS fairness for public servants! 6,153
Pardon Jason Spyres (K99397), an Illinois inmate serving a 30 year ( now on 9th year) sentence on a marijuana charge. 5,345
Recognize electronic cigarettes as an effective alternative to smoking and support job creation in this new industry. 5,407
Protect Wild Horses and Burros; Reform Inhumane Interior Department Management Program That Wastes Tax Dollars 5,985
Antineoplastons, cancer drugs in FDA trials since 1995, results publicly audited by Congress, to gain final FDA-approval 7,065
Allow United States Disabled Military Veterans access to medical marijuana to treat their PTSD. 5,446
Immediately halt the cruel and unnecessary use of monkeys in Army chemical casualty management training courses. 6,769
prohibit all federal agencies from promoting, endorsing, or funding fluoridation of the public drinking water. 5,752
Switching to a free online visa appointment scheduling system in China 8,715
Allow H-4 visa member to work legally 5,581
Support Sen. Bernie Sanders bill to fix Social Security by removing the cap on income subject to the SS tax. 5,774
Abolish Abstinence-Only Education From US Public Schools 6,665
protect coal ash recycling by promptly enacting disposal regulations that do NOT designate coal ash a “hazardous waste.” 5,170
Protect Children from Dangerous Air Pollution 13,748
Take Aviation User Fees off the table 8,646
bar courts and lawmakers from creating a “second-class” religion status for minority religions like Wicca & NeoPaganism 5,320
EXAMINE THE GOVERNMENT’S FAILURE TO INVESTIGATE AND PROSECUTE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY CRIME, FRAUD AND ABUSE. 5,859
crack down on puppy mills. 30,451
Fully Legalize Same-Sex Marriage Across The Nation 12,677
Promote / Enforce the teaching of Evolution over Creationism 5,823
Legalize raw milk sales on a federal level 5,600
Require all Genetically Modified Foods to be labeled as such. 9,289
Pardon Marc Emery. 7,791
Reform the coinage system. 5,305
Recognize the men and women who are occupying wall street 10,946
propose legislation that would make all federal election days national holidays to increase voter turnout. 9,074
Grant voters the ability to vote for the President of the United States by dissolving the electoral college. 17,499
End discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity/expression. 6,726
give the National Guard a seat on the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 5,443
Legal Employment-based Immigration Petitioners Help U.S. Companies and Should NOT be Heavily Backlogged for Years 5,500
Allow Seriously Backlogged EB2/EB3 Beneficiaries with Their I-140 Approved to File I-485 and Apply for EAD & AP 8,436
Repeal the Defense of Marriage Act. 14,152
Abolish the TSA, and use its monstrous budget to fund more sophisticated, less intrusive counter-terrorism intelligence. 28,853
Try Casey Anthony in Federal Court for Lying to the FBI Investigators 5,182
ban the sale, trade, and possession of shark and shark products, including shark fin. 5,658
Reject the Keystone XL Pipeline 7,156

Update: linked at The Camp of the Saints and Dyspepsia Generation.

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Comments

  • Anonymous

    End the need to euthanize millions of homeless pets in local animal control costing billions to taxpayers.

    No, no, no!  A thousand times no!  Why are we calling for subsidies to Big Chinese Restaurant?!

  • Pingback: Fisking In The Limelight, The Universal Dream « The Camp Of The Saints

  • Finrod Felagund

    Enh, Chinese restaurants take it in the shorts too, since shark fin is a delicacy for them:

     ban the sale, trade, and possession of shark and shark products, including shark fin.

  • Anonymous

    Let them eat tigers!

  • Pingback: DYSPEPSIA GENERATION » Blog Archive » White House Responses To Petitions

  • Anonymous

    How many times did you fall asleep while reading all that?
    It’s inspiring to know that so many of this Nation’s citizens place legalizing drug use as one of their top priorities. I’m convinced such civic mindedness will insure this country’s greatness into the future.

  • Anonymous

    I authored the petition asking the white house to respond to the 7 petitions that acquired enough signatures. 

    While I don’t smoke pot, I hate seeing us waste billions
    of dollars on marijuana laws that are both counter-productive and
    harmful to the health of the nation. I followed the marijuana petitions
    on the white house’s “we the people” website with great interest.  I was
    disappointed to see a single canned reply to all of them by no less
    than Obama’s drug czar, Gil the pill.  They treated the thousands of
    people who signed those petitions like it was merely another press
    release – here is a tiny portion of a response to one petition for all
    of you to share. 

    I didn’t think that was anywhere near enough, so I created another
    petition asking for a response to the seven unanswered petitions.  Here
    is a link to it:http://wh.gov/b34

    If you have a moment to sign it, that would be great.  If it is
    something you can get behind, that would be better.  I know the nation
    has a lot of issues right now, but millions of people are permanently
    cut off from opportunities every year with marijuana convictions.  It is
    just slamming our nation.  Some of these kids are our best and our
    brightest.  Now they can’t get student loans. 

    If Obama had been busted when he smoke pot as a kid, chances are he
    would be inmate Obama, instead of President Obama.  I think it is
    incredibly hypocritical for him to be sending in the federal government
    to bust up medical grow operations and interfere with state laws in
    light of this.

  • http://theothermccain.com smitty

    I worked on it a couple hours, then realized I needed to get it posted.

  • mojo

    I went to my Congressman but he said, quote:
    “I’d like ta help ya son, but you’re too young ta vote!”

  • Anonymous

    Hat’s off to you, my tolerance for nonsense for ain’t what it used to be I admire your Job like patience.

  • Anonymous

    I believe that pot should never have been made illegal in the first place. Making it legal will not put that toothpaste back in the tube. The market and social intervention since means making it legal wont make it as if we had never made it illegal. At any rate in terms all that plagues this country making pot legal is way done on the list of things to care about. The last time a site directed me to the site to sign a petition, registration was required. Registering with a government web site is contrary to my short position on civilization.

    PS: While I concur with you comment on the hypocrisy of Obama (oh where to begin?) I find the notion of inmate Obama strangely appealing. Well maybe not strangely but really really appealing.

  • Anonymous

    Sometimes I wonder, what I’ma gonna do, but there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues…

  • Anonymous

    Where is the “Fire Eric Holder” petition?

  • Griff

    So, any idea you don’t like and personally support is idiotic and promoted by dumb hippies. Got it!