Posted on | May 7, 2012 | 141 Comments
Did somebody say “War on Women”? OK, we’re not actually anti-woman. More like, anti-Women’s Studies majors. Which is why, for the fourth consecutive year, we are pleased once more to inaugurate this annual festival of fun, quoting the immortal words of our charter:
Ever since we began this yearly celebration in 2009, it has been necessary to explain that we do not endorse wife-spanking. Unless she needs it.
Most of the time, however, spanking is unnecessary, because our wives know to bring us fresh coffee. That’s why we married them, right? And, of course, because our wives have a sense of humor.
Q. How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. That’s not funny!
Joking at the expense of feminists, however, has become increasingly dangerous. Earlier this year, the Southern Poverty Law Center added “misogyny” to his hate-group listings, so it’s probably a civil-rights violation to laugh at these jokes. And you’re a sexual predator if you talk to an atheist feminist in a hotel elevator.
The empowering message of feminism is that all women are victims.
Victimhood is synonymous with power. To deny women their victimhood is therefore to re-victimize and disempower them.
Don’t laugh: Somebody once laughed at Ashley Judd’s puffy face, and we’ve been suffering from her empowered victimhood ever since.
As usual, National Offend a Feminist Week ends on
Mother’s Day Oppressed Victims of Patriarchy Day, when millions of womyn are painfully reminded of what happens when they are deprived of “choice.”
WARNING: If you are offended by images of how women were victimized before they had The Right to Choose, DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK!
Gruesome, isn’t it? And speaking of gruesome, Amanda Marcotte:
A lot of conservatives have taunted me personally with assumptions that I’m constantly getting abortions with my slutty slut self, so you can see why people who also believe that Obama is a covert agent might think there’s some secret underground conspiracy of feminists to emasculate men by secretly stealing away the womb fruit that proves their American seed works. The 4 million proof-their-fathers-had-sex-things we call babies born a year are seen as the rare escapees from the pro-choice conspiracy to wipe out all proof of American virility.
Making fun of Amanda Marcotte is simple: Just quote her.
Also, remember that Amanda Marcotte once believed — indeed, she was paid to proclaim — that John Edwards should be elected president. Never mind his disgusting adultery and love-child breeding. What is truly disgusting, Ms. Marcotte informs us, is that Edwards is being prosecuted for misusing campaign funds.
Victimhood is power, remember? Edwards is a victim, and therefore powerful. And powerful men are sexy!
Do you suspect that Amanda Marcotte craves John Edwards’s seed? Will you ever forgive me for suggesting that nauseating mental image?
Speaking of nauseating images: Women gazing with awe at Obama!
Today is Monday, which gives bloggers a full seven days for spitefully mocking feminism and everything feminists admire or cherish. Just don’t forget to link back here, so we can aggregate your courageous efforts. And don’t forget to shop our Amazon Mother’s Day specials, so we can make a shameless capitalist profit from this enterprise.