USA! USA! USA!

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America was three minutes away from being eliminated from the World Cup when midfielder Landon Donovan scored in overtime to give the U.S. team a 1-0 victory over Algeria.

Remember: Soccer is for foreigners and faggots. However, fist-pumping jingoistic nationalism — and defeating impoverished Third World countries — is for red-blooded Americans.

UPDATE: I’ve decided to name this “The Miracle on Grass.” Why? Because we’re red-blooded Americans, that’s why!

UPDATE II: Da Tech Guy is a red-blooded American, too.

UPDATE III: USA Today:

In this game for the ages, certainly the most exciting in recent memory, there was plenty of reason to celebrate as the USA is headed to the Round of 16 for the first time since 2002.

Suggestion: Change your paper’s name to USA! USA! USA! Today.

UPDATE IV: We were nearly robbed again:

The United States did see an earlier opportunity on goal go in, but the score was disallowed on an erroneous offside call. It was the second time in this World Cup that the Americans had an apparent goal negated by a dubious decision by the referees.
Dempsey slotted Herculez Gomez’s short cross from the right into the back of the net in the 21st minute after a furious and frantic push by the United States. But the assistant referee quickly raised his flag. While the American fans were celebrating, the referee called offside. It looked close, until television replays showed Dempsey was even with Madjid Bougherra, the last Algerian defender.

Of course, all the World Cup refs are American-hating foreigners.

31 comments

  3. Lyndsey, Stacy just gets excited over how boring soccer is.

    But you have to admit, it is also kinda gay.

  4. Lyndsey, Stacy just gets excited over how boring soccer is.

    But you have to admit, it is also kinda gay.

  6. Amen to those sentiments.

    Although I do concur with Lyndsey about using the term “faggots” even though I fully realize this is just one more example of Stacy engaging in “epater la bourgeoisie”

  7. Amen to those sentiments.

    Although I do concur with Lyndsey about using the term “faggots” even though I fully realize this is just one more example of Stacy engaging in “epater la bourgeoisie”

  10. Worth mentioning that the Goalie Howard made the big pass that set everything up. Also that we apparently got jobbed on another goal in this one too.

  11. Worth mentioning that the Goalie Howard made the big pass that set everything up. Also that we apparently got jobbed on another goal in this one too.

  13. I got the Edwards Ann Coulter reference, given the Al Gore National Enquirer thread you also posted.

  14. I got the Edwards Ann Coulter reference, given the Al Gore National Enquirer thread you also posted.

  15. As you said, ‘football’ is ‘for foreigners and faggots’, which is the general American opinion of the sport. For precisely that reason, I’m cheering for Mexico. I can’t wait for there to be a US-MEX game…. ^__^

  16. As you said, ‘football’ is ‘for foreigners and faggots’, which is the general American opinion of the sport. For precisely that reason, I’m cheering for Mexico. I can’t wait for there to be a US-MEX game…. ^__^

  19. I find it difficult to get too excited about defeating a country we could wipe out with a MOAB or two at some game designed for children with shrunken testicles.

    I don’t mind teh gehe (NTTAWWT), but a pride parade would be much more exciting than three hours of slowly depriving our nation of its vital bodily fluids.

    I suppose soccer does serve some convoluted diplomatic purpose, though – such as sending the subtle message, “See, although we are far superior to you foul-smelling foreign barbarians, we are willing to send all our athletes who aren’t good enough to play a real sport out to play with you in some other third-world chithole, enduring your contaminated food and water and the fetid stench of your odor, in a message of brotherhood and peace, yada yada yada don’t these aspholes even HAVE air conditioning?”

  20. I find it difficult to get too excited about defeating a country we could wipe out with a MOAB or two at some game designed for children with shrunken testicles.

    I don’t mind teh gehe (NTTAWWT), but a pride parade would be much more exciting than three hours of slowly depriving our nation of its vital bodily fluids.

    I suppose soccer does serve some convoluted diplomatic purpose, though – such as sending the subtle message, “See, although we are far superior to you foul-smelling foreign barbarians, we are willing to send all our athletes who aren’t good enough to play a real sport out to play with you in some other third-world chithole, enduring your contaminated food and water and the fetid stench of your odor, in a message of brotherhood and peace, yada yada yada don’t these aspholes even HAVE air conditioning?”

  25. Isn’t this a bit … overenthusiastic? The US and England, on paper, should have made it out of group play easily, rather than having a nailbiter (on Team USA’s side) and one-goal win (on England’s) in the final game to get through. And team USA is one of the top 16 in the world, getting out group play was to be expected. If we win a game or two in the knockout round, then it might be worth getting worked up over.

  26. Isn’t this a bit … overenthusiastic? The US and England, on paper, should have made it out of group play easily, rather than having a nailbiter (on Team USA’s side) and one-goal win (on England’s) in the final game to get through. And team USA is one of the top 16 in the world, getting out group play was to be expected. If we win a game or two in the knockout round, then it might be worth getting worked up over.

  28. Actually, old bean, the difference between American Football and Real Football in the USA is that AF is mainly watched and RF is mainly played….ergo AF is “entertainment” (like Pole Dancing) and RF is sport (like Pole Vaulting)

  29. Actually, old bean, the difference between American Football and Real Football in the USA is that AF is mainly watched and RF is mainly played….ergo AF is “entertainment” (like Pole Dancing) and RF is sport (like Pole Vaulting)

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