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Former US Ambassador To Bulungi: ‘That South Korean Ship Explosion Was Prolly Cuz Of Crazed Glenn Beck Fans’

Posted on | July 8, 2010 | 4 Comments

by Smitty

Chad Halpern, Former Ambassador to Bulungi, recently returned from, you know, hanging out on Tioman for a few years. The lure? One of those recess appointments, this one to the UN. “We gotta help out the Obama Administration, dude. These Republicans are a bunch of dicks, blocking all these important jobs and all,” said Halpern.

Halpern’s legendary diplomatic chops were quickly employed by the UN delegation in working on a statement about the sinking of the Cheonan on March 26th, as CBC News reported:

The United States said Thursday that China and other key countries have agreed to condemn the attack on a South Korean warship and express “deep concern” over findings that North Korea was to blame — but their proposed statement did not directly accuse Pyongyang.

Their agreed statement, circulated to the full 15-member UN Security Council for approval, calls for “appropriate and peaceful measures to be taken against those responsible” for the sinking of the 1,200-tonne Cheonan on March 26, killing 46 South Korean sailors.

But it doesn’t identify who is responsible, and “takes note” of North Korea’s response “that it had nothing to do with the incident,” according to the text obtained by The Associated Press.

Halpern offered some crucial background reasoning for this surprising turn of events.

Yoon Duk-yong, co-head of the team investigating the sinking of the South Korean warship Cheonan in March, talks next to torpedo parts salvaged from the Yellow Sea. (Jung Yeon-je/Associated Press)

“They found some stuff left over from whenever Patton bombed Inchon during the Russo-Japanese War, and thought it had something to do with the Kikkoman sinking. Perfectly understandable. It’s like some right-wing jerk came over and poured Coke down your X-Box–you’d be livid, too.

What they haven’t disproved is that the whole thing was prolly ‘cuz of some crazed Glenn Beck fans who were over in Seoul and got kind outta hand with the maekju. They really gotta get those dudes on the no-fly list, them and the Tea Party types. See, they want to push everything into a meltdown around the world, to make President Obama look bad. All that Tea Ba-Party stuff is getting way outta control.”

Pressed on whether or not he really believed the North Korean statement, Ambassador Halpern doubled down:

“Look, they said they ‘had nothing to do with the incident’. If you want diplomacy to work, you have to take people at face value, unless they are named Bush or Cheney.

Furthermore, we owe these people $65 trillion in damages since the Russo-Japanese War. They’re pretty broke, dude. They can’t even afford a robusto, much less a torpedo. Heh.

Instead of laughing at these people, and calling Kim ‘ronery’, why don’t we just poney up the money, so they can make a run for the border and get some grub? Why does the US always have to play the heavy? Can’t we just be mellow?”

Category: Foreigners, humor

Comments

4 Responses to “Former US Ambassador To Bulungi: ‘That South Korean Ship Explosion Was Prolly Cuz Of Crazed Glenn Beck Fans’”

  1. Estragon
    July 9th, 2010 @ 3:53 am

    Obama should apologize immediately. To everyone, for everything. Only then will AmeriKKKa be cleansed, only then can we be redeemed, only then will gay unicorns be able to frolic and fornicate over fragrant fields of saffron.

  2. Estragon
    July 8th, 2010 @ 11:53 pm

    Obama should apologize immediately. To everyone, for everything. Only then will AmeriKKKa be cleansed, only then can we be redeemed, only then will gay unicorns be able to frolic and fornicate over fragrant fields of saffron.

  3. Bluegrass Pundit
    July 10th, 2010 @ 12:01 pm

    “Look, they said they ‘had nothing to do with the incident’. If you want diplomacy to work, you have to take people at face value, unless they are named Bush or Cheney.”

    LOL. That’s how Team Obama thinks.

  4. Bluegrass Pundit
    July 10th, 2010 @ 8:01 am

    “Look, they said they ‘had nothing to do with the incident’. If you want diplomacy to work, you have to take people at face value, unless they are named Bush or Cheney.”

    LOL. That’s how Team Obama thinks.