Category: humor

The Future of Gaza is Neu Schwabenland

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— compiled by Wombat-socho

We interrupt your normal evening linkagery for an important post about the current geopolitical situation.
Your normal linkagery will resume in the morning.
Silicon Valley et Hamas delenda sunt.

The future flag of the Gaza-territoriet i Antarktis.

Our God-Emperor, Donaldus Trump Magnus, has decreed the creation of Mar-A-Gaza on the currently rubble-strewn land called the Gaza Strip. To do this, however, we must remove the current inhabitants to a place where they can neither 1) interfere with the demolition and construction efforts nor 2) kill Jews. The problem here is obvious. None of Israel’s Arab neighbors want any part of having the Gazans on their land, not even temporarily, and for good reason. Everywhere the Palestinian “refugees” have gone, they have caused trouble and attempted to overthrow the local governments, and so neither Egypt, Jordan, nor Lebanon want them as guests.

It has been suggested that the Gazans be deported to Greenland. Aside from immediately being a provocation to war with Denmark, from whom we are trying to buy the place, it would needlessly antagonize the Inuit, who have done nothing to deserve this sort of neighbor being inflicted on them. It has also been suggested that they be deported to Russia. Leaving aside for the moment how Russians feel about most Arabs, does anyone doubt that President Putin would genocide the lot of them if they looked at him sideways? Or worse yet, use them as meatcubes in the ongoing Ukraine war? Let’s not tempt the man.

No, the real solution is one that requires Norway to get off its oily butt and actually contribute something to the cause of world peace besides empty words. There is a section of Antarctic coast formerly called New Swabia, or Neu Schwabenland in the original German, which was briefly claimed by the Third Reich after the German Antarctic Expedition of 1938-39. World events being what they were, the German claims lapsed and were passed to Norway. This is the ideal place to dump all the obstreperous Gazans and their death cult. There is nobody around but a handful of Indian and Russian scientists hundreds of miles away in the Schirmacher Oasis, leopard seals, and penguins. UNRWA can teach Gazans how to build igloos and provide them with small wooden boats and harpoons with which to hunt seals and (maybe) whales, and the Norwegians can maintain a blockade of the coast to prevent any Gazans from leaving.

Harsh? Perhaps, but what have the inhabitants of Gaza done to deserve better? Why should the peaceful Arabs of Egypt, Jordan, and Lebanon be saddled with the duty of housing these genocidal nutbags? No, let us install them in a land where they can harm nobody but themselves, until such time as they decide to start acting like peaceful, productive human beings again. Your move, Norway.

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The Amchitka Strategic Bureaucracy Reserve

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— by Wombat-socho

“An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and a bureaucrat to Alaska!” – Captain Wallace Binghamton, USNR

It is widely known that you can get a lot accomplished if you don’t care who gets the credit. I therefore offer this proposal to the Trump campaign free of charge.*

One of the problems with uprooting the Deep State and the associated federal bureaucracy is that many of the people we want to drive into the wilderness are protected by being in the Civil Service, which makes them practically impossible to fire. A possible solution to this (short of electing a conservative – note I didn’t say Republican – Congress that will repeal the Civil Service Act of 1978) is to make serving in the bureaucracy as unpleasant as possible. There have been some proposals to disperse Federal agencies among the several states so as to put them “closer to the people they serve” and incidentally weaken the Washington DC area both economically and politically. Those proposals don’t go far enough. I propose that since we clearly have an excess of enemies of the state drawing paychecks from the Treasury, we should put them in places where no reasonable person would want to live and work, while making their lives as difficult as possible once they’re there. Such as, for example, the Aleutian island of Amchitka, most noted for being the site of a 1971 nuclear test that environmental wackos promised us would destroy Anchorage, Juneau, and Vancouver with an enormous man-made tsunami. (Spoiler: It didn’t.) A cursory review of the island will reveal that it has several features that make it ideal for our purposes: the weather is usually foul, it is distant from any other human habitations, there is no infrastructure on the island of any kind, and it is prone to earthquakes. in addition, Amchitka is still being monitored for the release of radioactive materials from the 1971 test, which ought to put the fear of SCIENCE!! into our victimsstockpiled bureaucrats. The rest of the Rat Islands would also be suitable for our purposes; Shemya, on the other hand, while possessing many of the traits that make Amchitka suitable for the SBR, actually has people living on it as well as a vital national defense installation, and we don’t want our stockpiled bureaucrats bothering any of those people.

How do we determine who gets shipped off to the SBR? During each of the government shutdowns caused by budgetary brinksmanship, lists are made of who the essential and nonessential employees are in each agency. The nonessential employees will be given a week to decide whether they want to quit, retire, or move to the Strategic Bureaucracy Reserve to continue their work. If they choose the SBR, they will be shipped to Amchitka with a tent, a sleeping bag, and fifty pounds of personal effects. They will not be allowed to take their families with them. Once relocated to the SBR, they will find office space in General Purpose Large tents erected by the Army, and conduct all their business in writing; the government will not provide any kind of computers or telephones to the SBR, much less any internet connections. Food, sanitation, and medical support will be provided by National Guard and Army Reserve units doing their 15-day annual training stint supplemented by prisoners from various military stockades and Americorps “volunteers” working off their student loans. A weekly mail boat will suffice to provide postal support and transportation off the island for bureaucrats who decide they’ve had enough of this treatment.

It’s possible that the number of bureaucrats sent to the SBR may exceed the space available on the Rat Islands. In this case, we may have to use less attractive (sic) options such as Johnston Atoll, which while it lacks the generally foul weather and earthquakes of the Rat Islands, does have a history of chemical weapons deactivation and nuclear weapons contamination, not to mention the occasional powerful hurricane, and is suitably distant from any human habitation.

It’s my fond hope that the creation of the SBR will result in the rapid drawdown of the Civil Service, and a consequent re-evaluation by Congress as to whether we need some of the etiolated agencies weakened by the creation of the SBR. It’s my small contribution toward Making America Great Again. 

*Although I wouldn’t mind an appointment as a warrant officer with the four-year assignment of telling people they’re moving to Amchitka in a week. 

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Urgent Breaking News: SNL Is … Funny?

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Of all the important events happening in the world recently — bank failures, war in Ukraine, whatever — nothing is more shocking than this: Saturday Night Live actually did something funny this week.

What’s it been, 15 years? Just about the time Obama became president, the writers at SNL lost the ability to do satire. This was not a coincidence, of course, if you’ve followed the decline of late-night comedy with Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers, Jimmy Fallon and all the other liberal “comedians” who now think they’re MSNBC pundits or something.

But amid the general decline, it’s important to notice when they actually do something funny, and this one’s an instant classic.

“Freebird gotta fly, son.”



 

 

Headline of the Week

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An instant classic:

EXCLUSIVE: ‘I have no other talent’:
Gold Coast influencer breaks down
in tears as she loses followers on
‘porn’ website OnlyFans due to
the coronavirus pandemic and
can no longer pay her rent

Australia’s Gold Coast is near Brisbane, and I have no idea why this particular bimbo would think she could make a career out of selling dirty pictures of her coochie on the Internet:

A distraught Gold Coast influencer had a breakdown last week because the coronavirus pandemic led to a drop in followers on her X-rated OnlyFans account.
Billie Beever, who has 113,000 Instagram fans and supports herself by posting adult content on the subscription website, cried as she revealed she can no longer pay her rent.
The 27-year-old charges $12.99-a-month for access to her pictures and makes extra through tips and requests — but jobless fans can no longer afford to follow her.
‘Everyone on TV is always talking about how everybody has lost their jobs and people can’t pay for anything anymore, but I’m losing subscribers on OnlyFans and that’s my main source of income,’ sobbed Billie in a now-removed TikTok video.
She continued: ‘I can’t pay my rent, I can’t work. Even if I was to go back to work, what am I meant to do? Strip clubs are all closed, you can’t even be close to somebody because of social distancing.
‘I have nothing else going for me, I have no other talent. I’ve got nothing else. I can’t dance, I can’t sing, I can’t do anything. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. I just want everything to go back to normal so people can keep subscribing.’

Well, I suppose, she could become a politician and make regular appearances on CNN, which is what whores with no talent do in America. And speaking of people making money on the Internet . . .

Because nobody would pay to see pictures of me naked, I was forced to become a blogger, and making jokes about politics is even less lucrative than what Billie Beever does. Somehow, I managed to endure this shame without ever being tempted to run for Congress or appear on CNN. And you should probably hit my tip jar in gratitude.

(Hat-tip: @ground_miller on Twitter.)




 

When Your Silly Haiku Tweet Turns Into An Impromptu Songwriting Session

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by Smitty

To put this mess in context, I was tweeting the G-File with a haiku, and copying @HaikuJonah. Then @Corduroyalist had to make everything weird. @HaikuJonah offers the perfect review. This is an example of how fun Twitter used to be all the time. It’s only an occasional pleasure anymore.


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