The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

A. You Really Don’t Want to Know

Posted on | December 9, 2010 | 16 Comments

Q. How do you artificially inseminate a killer whale?

You might think the tricky part of this procedure would be getting the female orca to cooperate.

But you’d be wrong — at least according to a letter that Motley Crue rocker Tommy Lee wrote to Sea World:

Rocker Tommy Lee is attacking SeaWorld over what he alleges is the inhumane treatment of its killer whales. . . .
In his letter he claims that trainers “masturbate” the whale and said SeaWorld would not release Tilikum because he is their “chief sperm bank.”

OK, now you’re asking yourself, “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Exactly how do these trainers supposedly ‘masturbate’ a killer whale?”

Are you sure you want to know the answer?

Here’s the text of Tommy Lee’s letter to SeaWorld:

Terry W. Prather
President, SeaWorld

Dear Mr. Prather:
After learning about the bizarre way you breed killer whales, my friends at PETA and I are stumped about SeaWorld’s announcement that no people will ever again have direct contact with Tilikum, the orca who has killed 3 people including his trainer this year. We understand that you refuse to release this frustrated whale because he is your chief sperm bank, and we know from SeaWorld’s own director of safety (as well as videos on the web) that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water. Even during my wildest days with Motley Crue, I never could’ve imagined something so sick and twisted. Simply put, how can SeaWorld claim that trainers no longer have direct contact with this whale when they are jacking him off? That is about as “direct” as it gets. I hope it doesn’t take another tragic death for SeaWorld to realize it shouldn’t frustrate these smart animals by keeping them in tanks.
Tommy Lee

For the record, SeaWorld has denied this accusation. While we’re laughing over the idea of SeaWorld trainers giving orcas “happy endings,” however, there are serious issues involved, as HuffPo reports:

Dr. Naomi Rose, a senior scientist for [the Human Society], argues that SeaWorld creates a stressful environment for their captive whales. She told ABC, “When they’re confined, I think they’re under stress, I think they’re at the very least very bored; and both stress and boredom, and depression, can kill you.” . . .
On average, male orcas live over 30 years, while females live over 50 years. Many whales can even live into their 80s and 90s. The three whales that died at SeaWorld this year were 21, 12 and 25.

Believe it or not, there is a YouTube video of trainers . . . uh, making a collection. IYKWIMAITYD. 

However, let me warn you before you click this link, once you’ve seen it, you can’t un-see it.

I’m told Kathy Griffin watched that video and is now trying to get a date with an orca. Talk about “cruelty to animals” . . .


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