The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

A Lesson in Efficient Dictatorship

Posted on | January 3, 2014 | 48 Comments

Try to imagine that frightening alternative universe in which a guerrilla army overthrows the federal government, or a cabal of dissident generals stages a military coup and, as a result, I became the charismatic Supreme Dictator of America. The first order of business for the McCainist junta, of course, would be the liquidation of all opposition, by the most brutal and terrifying methods.

From the standpoint of regime permanence, it would be insufficient merely to jail or exile opponents. No, the point of radical terror is to inspire fear, so that not only would no one dare oppose the regime, but also so that people will denounce any of their friends and neighbors whose loyalty to the New Totalitarian Order is believed to be less than 100 percent. Therefore, the regime must not only torture and execute leaders of the prohibited opposition, but must all unleash the intimidating force of violence against the families, friends and suspected sympathizers of the opposition leaders. Leniency can only be obtained by active and vocal support of the regime’s repressive measures.

Under totalitarian rule, no one can ever presume himself to be safe from the power of the regime, because the Supreme Leader’s power is so great that it can only be protected by ruthless men who, as they rise higher in the leadership cadre, inevitably begin to think of the possibility of seizing the top position for themselves. Occasionally, the Supreme Leader must make examples of such rivals:

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s powerful uncle was stripped naked, thrown into a cage, and eaten alive by a pack of ravenous dogs, according to a newspaper with close ties to China’s ruling Communist Party.
Jang Song Thaek, who had been considered Kim’s second-in-command, was executed last month after being found guilty of “attempting to overthrow the state,” North Korea’s state-run news agency reported. . . .
Hong Kong-based pro-Beijing newspaper Wen Wei Po reported that Jang and his five closest aides were set upon by 120 hunting hounds which had been starved for five days.
Kim and his brother Kim Jong Chol supervised the one-hour ordeal along with 300 other officials, according to Wen Wei Po. The newspaper added that Jang and other aides were “completely eaten up.”

This is exactly how disloyalty would be punished after the totalitarian McCainist junta seizes absolute power. Once we had fed the faculty of Harvard University to a pack of ravenous dogs, perhaps the staff of the New York Times would get the message.

My enemies should be thankful that I favor limited government.



48 Responses to “A Lesson in Efficient Dictatorship”

  1. richard mcenroe
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 2:20 pm

    Aw, you wouldn’t go that far, Stacy; you’d probably settle for staging dog and cockfights at Ft. Sumter and giving your family the ferry concession…

  2. Kim Jong Un had his uncle eaten by a pack of wild dogs… | Batshit Crazy News
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 2:21 pm

    […] TOM: Now this is a lesson in efficient dictatorship… […]

  3. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 2:23 pm

    Maybe we can get an episode of the Dog Whisperer set in NoKo where he can rehabilitate these animals to be friendly therapy dogs?

    And just think Kim Jong Un has nukes…what could go wrong?

  4. AMartel
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 2:42 pm

    The cherry on top is that doubt is being cast upon this report due to the fact that it wasn’t reported in the North Korean media.
    Because, of course, if something is not reported by the Palace Guard media it probably did not happen!

  5. rmnixondeceased
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 2:43 pm

    Always remember this truism.

  6. texlovera
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 2:46 pm

    You are too kind, O Most Benevolent Leader!!

  7. texlovera
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 2:48 pm

    In all seriousness, how have we not nuked these people into orbit during the last 60 years? The insanity is overwhelming…

  8. JeffS
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 2:49 pm

    Why not just follow the example of “Escape From New York”? Evacuate your supporters, wall off Manhattan, and dump all opposition there.

    With video cameras everywhere, of course, for the reality TV shows you’ll need to entertain the masses (following the example of “The Running Man”).

    See? Hollywood is good for something.

  9. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 2:58 pm

    That sums up the entire country of North Korea.

  10. robertstacymccain
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 3:00 pm

    Indeed, I am a simple man of modest needs.

  11. Zohydro
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 3:12 pm

    One wonders if someone’s been reading Machiavelli lately…

  12. Fritz Riedel
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 3:17 pm

    It takes effort to convince North Koreans that things could be worse

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  14. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 3:20 pm
  15. Dana
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 3:28 pm

    Looks like it’s time for Smitty and his Wombatness to beat feet for Canada!

  16. Thus Always To Tyrants - Lowering the Boom
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 3:34 pm

    […] might have missed Stacy McCain’s take on the news that North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un’s uncle was eaten alive by a pack of ravenous dogs. Dennis Rodman could not be reached for […]

  17. ThomasD
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 3:35 pm

    Murderous totalitarian apparachiks being mauled to death by dogs?

    Kim Jong Un – the stopped watch.

  18. Becca Lower
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 3:53 pm

    Great minds, EBL…

  19. DaveO
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 5:10 pm

    Successful dictators are ruthless about boomer all their enemies, and sooners there aren’t any opposition to speak of. But some dictators fumble, and are quickly deposed.

  20. Quartermaster
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 7:35 pm

    Brown nosing will get you the basement of the Lubyanka even quicker.

  21. Quartermaster
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 7:40 pm

    A proper dictator would also feed the Grey Hag’s staff to the dogs too. I’d probably add LA Times, Gannett, WaPoo, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, and UC Berkeley to the mix as well. The only problem is what it would do to the dogs. You’d have euthanize the dogs afterward for the terminal indigestion.

    So I guess, we’d simply have to give them a concrete kimono and dump them in the Puerto Rico Trench. Subduction zones would make sure the remains would not trouble us for a few million years.

  22. DavidD
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 9:10 pm

    Please let’s have limited government; I don’t recall the Continental Army lining people up against the wall and shooting them.

  23. Wombat_socho
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 11:12 pm

    What, me worry?

  24. Wombat_socho
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 11:13 pm

    Mike Williamson has proposed using woodchippers, which would solve the traumatized dog problem.

  25. Good Stuff
    January 3rd, 2014 @ 11:34 pm

    Try to imagine that frightening alternative universe in which a guerrilla army overthrows the federal government, or a cabal of dissident generals stages a military coup

    We have something like this going on in Thailand (minus the dogs)

    went to the Thai government complex yesterday (visa stuff). the new military police have setup barracks in one of the big food courts to repel the yellow shirts mobs

  26. Steve Skubinna
    January 4th, 2014 @ 12:44 am

    Not Kim… the unfairly maligned Machiavelli was the first political theorist to address how governance actually worked, instead of how it ought to work in whichever utopia the author was pushing.

    He was always pragmatic and his approach was always directed at what worked in governing the state. Incidentally he was probably the first political theorist to realize that the ethics of an individual were not the same as the ethics required of a state.

    Anyway Machiavelli would have advised against the barking batshit insane mode as exemplified by young Kim.

  27. Steve Skubinna
    January 4th, 2014 @ 12:46 am

    We’re gonna need a helluvalot more than 150 dogs. How about we use gators instead?

    Uh, it is “we,” isn’t it?

  28. Steve Skubinna
    January 4th, 2014 @ 12:49 am

    That’s because they were very thorough and managed to get all the eyewitnesses as well. And then after that they turned their muskets around and shot themselves.

    Fortunately after Emperor George the First and Only died (quietly, in bed sometime in 1827) the survivors hurridly produced the Constitution and backdated it, and rewrote all the history books.

  29. Zohydro
    January 4th, 2014 @ 1:07 am

    Not Kim, indeed! I was thinking about Dear Ringleader…

  30. M. Thompson
    January 4th, 2014 @ 2:07 am

    Somebody has to ensure the McCainist announcements get out to the public.

  31. Steve Skubinna
    January 4th, 2014 @ 2:27 am

    Pshaw… Machiavelli reads RSM!

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  33. Steve Skubinna
    January 4th, 2014 @ 2:29 am

    That’s right, there’s always a place for Ribbentrop!

    Just try not to be Putzi Hanfstaengl. There’s nothing so pathetic as a silly Nazi… guy made Fredo Corleone look like Lee Iacocca.

  34. Dana
    January 4th, 2014 @ 7:39 am

    I believe that the term is McCainiac!

  35. Dana
    January 4th, 2014 @ 7:43 am

    I prefer the Latin: Quid? Me anxius sum?

  36. Zohydro
    January 4th, 2014 @ 10:07 am

    ???????? Do you know this man has gone as far as tearing “REAGAN” stickers off of bumpers of cars, and he voted for Walter Mondale for President… Twice! ????????

  37. richard mcenroe
    January 4th, 2014 @ 12:34 pm

    This man’s a SPY!
    He’s a undercover agent for the FBI!
    Sent in here to infiltrate the
    KU KLUX KLAN! (C. Daniels)

  38. richard mcenroe
    January 4th, 2014 @ 12:35 pm

    von Ribbentrop? The champaigne salesman?

  39. richard mcenroe
    January 4th, 2014 @ 12:36 pm

    *stares* I heard you wished someone “Happy Holidays” once… hmmm….

  40. Steve Skubinna
    January 4th, 2014 @ 2:26 pm

    Are we meeting at the Dew Drop Inn these days? I missed the e-mail announcing the change of venue.

  41. Steve Skubinna
    January 4th, 2014 @ 2:27 pm

    Lies! No one is more filled with revolutionary zeal than I! Down with the kulaks, destroy the wreckers!

  42. Steve Skubinna
    January 4th, 2014 @ 4:19 pm

    Yes, the very one. And Hanfstaengl the piano player. The respective lives of the party.

  43. Quartermaster
    January 4th, 2014 @ 7:38 pm

    That’s better. But, we’re watching. Aaaaaalways watching.

  44. rmnixondeceased
    January 4th, 2014 @ 8:47 pm

    Uday was a piker …

  45. richard mcenroe
    January 6th, 2014 @ 6:34 pm


  46. richard mcenroe
    January 6th, 2014 @ 6:36 pm

    yall shoulda paid a little more attention to what went on in the Southern Colonies…

  47. Shawny1
    January 7th, 2014 @ 12:38 am

    …..And he’d do all that before breakfast folks. Luckily we’re distracted by the current dictatorship and figuring out what to feed them to (flies are the only thing that comes to mind that would go for that without a lot of mustard.) So, I’m afraid McCainerati the Great, Magnificent, Terrifying….etc. etc. will have to take a number and wait.

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