The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Help! My Daughter’s Getting Married!

Back in December, readers warmly congratulated me on the news of my daughter’s engagement:

My 20-year-old daughter Kennedy now has a big diamond ring on her finger, courtesy of the boy I call the Romeo of the Pampas, the Legendary Latin Lothario, Martin.

Yes, our daughter’s beloved is of Argentine birth and ancestry, which means he’s into all this crazy foreign “World Cup” soccer stuff. (True fact: “Soccer” and “socialism” come from the same root word.)

Martin is a U.S. citizen, which means it’s too late now to call ICE and get him deported, although Dick Cheney says we could ship the boy to Guantanamo and have him waterboarded if he causes any more trouble.

So that option is still open.

Meanwhile, the wedding is July 9. And somebody’s got to pay for it. 

Mark Krikorian or Lou Dobbs might cite this as another example of how immigration imposes costs on U.S. taxpayers, but it’s too late for finger-pointing now. Congress hasn’t yet created a Wedding Tax Credit and the caterers don’t accept Food Stamps, so of course I’m compelled to rattle the tip jar and call upon readers to contribute. Here’s a list of some expected expenses:

  • Flowers — Lots and lots of flowers, because the American wedding industry is just a scam organized for the benefit of the Florists Mafia. Figure $15 per bouquet.
  • Food — I’m told that the guest list metastasized and we’ve had more than 200 RSVPs already. Being popular has its price, and Mrs. Other McCain rejected my helpful suggestion to stick white bows on granola bars and give one to each guest after the ceremony. So even if we manage to do this on the cheap it’s still going to be a major expense. Figure $5 a plate, or make it $10 and help feed one of my daughter’s future in-laws.
  • Booze — We’re in luck here. It’s a church wedding and the reception is alcohol-free. However, we’ve invited some of my friends and relatives — even a blogger or two — and after the wedding, they’ll probably drag me off to some honky-tonk where I’ll be expected to buy at least one round as a gesture of hospitality. That’s probably going to cost at least $100.
  • Miscellaneous — You never know what kind of unexpected expenses might occur. Emergency first aid when Mrs. Other McCain whacks me on the head for making another “helpful” suggestion? Yeah, figure $20, just to be on the safe side.

Readers may ask, “What do we get out of this?” Well, there’s the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve helped two young lovebirds begin their lifelong romantic journey without utterly bankrupting the father of the bride. And that’s got to be worth something.

Also, folks who give at least $50 are eligible to receive the “Certified Tip Jar Hitter Mug” as a token of my appreciation. Plus, there will be the fun of the wedding videos, photos and so forth. As a matter of fact, here are some photos of the soon-to-be newlyweds:

That last photo, obviously, is of our darling daughter displaying the diamond ring that El Romantico gave her. While it’s possible she could hock the ring for enough cash to pay for the wedding, El Romantico might get a little peeved, so hit the freaking tip jar.