Posted on | April 11, 2012 | 123 Comments
This invites the question: should we just form up and join the March for Mittens? Why, no: no, we should not. Look folks, the American spirit wasn’t crushed when the Japanese nuked the Alamo, and we’re just not going to roll over for a conservative show-horse, even if he could take a Canadian beauty contest.
But you’ve got to understand that this is a higher form of loyalty! You see, if we were to get on board with the severely conservative candidate, we would run the risk of blowing his cover.
Mitt, as the true anti-Obama, has to run to the center, and scoop up the moderates to win. If this blog slips out of right-wing reactionary character, we’ll scatter those moderates like so many semi trailers in a Texas tornado. (Too soon?)
The acid test of this strategy will, of course, be the Vice Presidential pick. Mitt needs to court the vast non-RINO majority of the right, but deftly, so as not to spook the horses. The near-term goal, of course, it to retire #OccupyResoluteDesk. However, the proper choice of young, charismatic conservative could help Tea Partiers view the Romney-? ticket as a 16 year gig. The right person could be the salt and lime to go with the Romney tequila, to go for a wildly inappropriate metaphor, and not to offer any liquid voting aid suggestions–you could end up so blotto you vote for BHO without realizing it.
Let’s consider some possibilities, shall we?
- Sarah Palin: absolutely not. The only way she could work is if we spread the rumor that Mitt really doesn’t want the job, and is hoping to reprise John McCain’s 2008 concession speech. But how do you campaign for nearly a decade while secretly wanting to fail, without being named Al Gore? No, we can’t carry off the ruse that Mitt is a moderate with Sarah on the ticket. Alas.
- Chris Christie: tough sell. Christie has a reputation for speaking loud truth to total jackwagons. A crucial aspect of the moderate game is that you drive the whole “blessed are the meek” thing past the point of absurdity. Among Christie’s copious good qualities, meekness is not found. You can’t disguise a Ford Mustang as a Prius, and you can’t sell Chris Christie as a milquetoast.
- Marco Rubio: the big problem with Marco is the Tea Partiers. Marco represents rebellion against the Ruling Class Overlords. Remember how Charlie Crist was picked for Senator, and would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids? No-ruse Rubio would spell the end of the “Still more Mister Nice Guy / Still more Mister Clee-ee-ee-een” gambit, as the quintessentially American spirit of Alice Cooper is packaged as a boring, phoned-in moderate.
- Allen West: can’t be done. The Left would go into full double-think hysteria, accusing Romney of being a consumate raaaaacist attempting to cover his guilt by picking West. Furthermore, Barack Obama would wet himself if confronted with an authentic warrior, irrespective of race. One of the crucial aspects of the Romney strategy is to avoid the appearance of whipping up on the poor wee. . .President of the United States. Just because he’s POTUS, don’t think he’ll hesitate to paint himself as a victim; a victim’s victim, and a poster child for the shiny new Department of Victim Studies at a University near you.
Given all that analysis, and the late hour when I conclude, I’ll speculated wildly that the nominee is. . .Bobbie Jindal. Mainly because Stacy loves it when I speculate.