Our Double-Secret Strategy To Ensure GOP Triumph

Posted on | April 11, 2012 | 123 Comments

by Smitty

While I haven’t been as deep in the tank for any candidate as the marquee name on this blog, I have been consistent in my disdain for Ol’ Willard Mitt. In that spirit, I dared say on Twitter:

This earned me a stern note from Michael Zak, whose book Back to Basics for the Republican Party, is somewhere in my to-read stack:

This invites the question: should we just form up and join the March for Mittens? Why, no: no, we should not. Look folks, the American spirit wasn’t crushed when the Japanese nuked the Alamo, and we’re just not going to roll over for a conservative show-horse, even if he could take a Canadian beauty contest.

But you’ve got to understand that this is a higher form of loyalty! You see, if we were to get on board with the severely conservative candidate, we would run the risk of blowing his cover.

Mitt, as the true anti-Obama, has to run to the center, and scoop up the moderates to win. If this blog slips out of right-wing reactionary character, we’ll scatter those moderates like so many semi trailers in a Texas tornado. (Too soon?)

The acid test of this strategy will, of course, be the Vice Presidential pick. Mitt needs to court the vast non-RINO majority of the right, but deftly, so as not to spook the horses. The near-term goal, of course, it to retire #OccupyResoluteDesk. However, the proper choice of young, charismatic conservative could help Tea Partiers view the Romney-? ticket as a 16 year gig. The right person could be the salt and lime to go with the Romney tequila, to go for a wildly inappropriate metaphor, and not to offer any liquid voting aid suggestions–you could end up so blotto you vote for BHO without realizing it.

Let’s consider some possibilities, shall we?

Sarah Palin: absolutely not. The only way she could work is if we spread the rumor that Mitt really doesn’t want the job, and is hoping to reprise John McCain’s 2008 concession speech. But how do you campaign for nearly a decade while secretly wanting to fail, without being named Al Gore? No, we can’t carry off the ruse that Mitt is a moderate with Sarah on the ticket. Alas.
Chris Christie: tough sell. Christie has a reputation for speaking loud truth to total jackwagons. A crucial aspect of the moderate game is that you drive the whole “blessed are the meek” thing past the point of absurdity. Among Christie’s copious good qualities, meekness is not found. You can’t disguise a Ford Mustang as a Prius, and you can’t sell Chris Christie as a milquetoast.
Marco Rubio: the big problem with Marco is the Tea Partiers. Marco represents rebellion against the Ruling Class Overlords. Remember how Charlie Crist was picked for Senator, and would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids? No-ruse Rubio would spell the end of the “Still more Mister Nice Guy / Still more Mister Clee-ee-ee-een” gambit, as the quintessentially American spirit of Alice Cooper is packaged as a boring, phoned-in moderate.
Allen West: can’t be done. The Left would go into full double-think hysteria, accusing Romney of being a consumate raaaaacist attempting to cover his guilt by picking West. Furthermore, Barack Obama would wet himself if confronted with an authentic warrior, irrespective of race. One of the crucial aspects of the Romney strategy is to avoid the appearance of whipping up on the poor wee. . .President of the United States. Just because he’s POTUS, don’t think he’ll hesitate to paint himself as a victim; a victim’s victim, and a poster child for the shiny new Department of Victim Studies at a University near you.

Given all that analysis, and the late hour when I conclude, I’ll speculated wildly that the nominee is. . .Bobbie Jindal. Mainly because Stacy loves it when I speculate.

Category: Election 2012, Mitt Romney

Comments

123 Responses to “Our Double-Secret Strategy To Ensure GOP Triumph”

Finrod Felagund
April 11th, 2012 @ 1:59 pm

Nice vinegar you’ve got there. Ever thought of trying honey instead?
Pathfinder's wife
April 11th, 2012 @ 2:03 pm

Let’s face it: every time anybody even breathes about bringing up Barry’s connection with Wright, every time Wright opens his piehole, every time somebody even thinks of making a quip about closet mohammedanism the Left is going to be all “golden tablets! seer stones! Quetzal!” –that’s not even taking into consideration the dead baptisms, the view of Blacks, Jews, Christians (especially Catholics)…or that little grudge Brigham Young had against the U.S.

So something that probably should be on the table to hit Barry with is going to be pretty well nullified.

And ok, I won’t vote for Romney, since that’s the way you want it.
ThePaganTemple
April 11th, 2012 @ 2:08 pm

Oh really Jake come on now, that’s really over the top. They care every damn bit as much about abortion, school prayer, and Intelligent Design.
Finrod Felagund
April 11th, 2012 @ 2:28 pm

Look at me, I’m an attention whore!

Yes, you are an attention whore, and you’re also indistinguishable from a concern troll.
richard mcenroe
April 11th, 2012 @ 2:33 pm

MURKOWSKI 2016!
Pathfinder's wife
April 11th, 2012 @ 2:35 pm

Careful, you’ll blow his cover and then he’ll miss out on his weekly Schlitz allotment.

But the scary fact is: he doesn’t sound that far off from a lot of actual Romney supporters (which means the actual supporters need to do some damage control on yet one more thing — or why going negative on your base can really backfire).
richard mcenroe
April 11th, 2012 @ 2:36 pm

Wow, he knows me so well. So much for my cunningly contrived internet presence.

Maybe we should put Jake and Adjoran in charge of the Romney phone bank operation.
richard mcenroe
April 11th, 2012 @ 2:39 pm

If Romney is so inevitable, where are all the carefully leaked rumors about GOP players angling for the VP slot? Portman’s the best they can do? That’s like throwing a Monkees reunion and only getting Peter Tork.
Michael Zak
April 11th, 2012 @ 2:57 pm

This is real life. This is the choice before our nation: Obama or Romney. I choose Romney.
Quartermaster
April 11th, 2012 @ 3:18 pm

Blanch if you like, but he’s a possibility simply because he was a southern Governor. Inspite of relieving us of Ray Blanton early, you’re still right about his utter squishyness.
Quartermaster
April 11th, 2012 @ 3:19 pm

Operation Whig! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!
Pathfinder's wife
April 11th, 2012 @ 3:39 pm

And how much will likely change?

And I mean this from a standpoint of no matter if a true conservative hero/heroine got in, the president can only do so much, even the other two branches can only do so much — the global economy, foreign affairs, and societal tensions are what they are…and they are sizing up to be pretty damn nasty for quite some time.
That, imhao, is a real life assessment.

And Romney has given no indication either in word nor deed that he is the second coming of Reagan — not even close. Real hard times are just now knocking on our door and it hasn’t really begun yet; we’re going to need somebody to look up to and so far Mitt is it?

That’s if he can even convince a majority to make the same choice as you (which, at the rate this is going, could be a problem — oy, how sad is that?).
Pathfinder's wife
April 11th, 2012 @ 3:47 pm

Might I add that the only thing that will get me in the booth pulling the lever for Romney is keeping me word at this point. However, if the only arguments that can be made are “not voting for Romney is a vote for Obama” and the sort of naked belligerence ol’ Jimmy and Chuck here have put up, then I’m starting to think I could fudge a little on the word keeping.
I’m probably not alone in this either — y’all better start coming out with some actual positive messages, or else I’m hoping what’s left of the not Romney coalition can still manage to pull through at the convention — otherwise rented mule time!
daialanye
April 11th, 2012 @ 4:06 pm

Beautiful!

But don’t overlook John Kasisch, who has just come out for global warmenating and taxing the oil and gas industries. If only he used a tanning bed more often.
daialanye
April 11th, 2012 @ 4:11 pm

I don’t know about that. Mitt strikes me as quite a squish, and easily cowed. I imagine if Allen West pulled out his sidearm and lit one off, Mitt would spill his convictions like a Muslim terrorist.
daialanye
April 11th, 2012 @ 4:16 pm

I don’t see Mormonism being quite as stupid as Islam, so that’s not a problem. The problem is that Romney has so much experience at losing.
Finrod Felagund
April 11th, 2012 @ 4:19 pm

Wake me when you post an argument for Romney over Obama that couldn’t also be used to argue for Hillary Clinton over Obama.
Tennwriter
April 11th, 2012 @ 4:55 pm

I think they understand very well, but I could be wrong.

IMHO,
1. They hate Conservatives.
2. They don’t have any other cards to play.
Garym
April 11th, 2012 @ 5:02 pm

I think you have the Moby tag exactly right.
ThomasD
April 11th, 2012 @ 5:10 pm

Patrick Henry you are not.

But hey, he had better material to work with.

Back in 1775 it was LIBERTY versus CHAINS.

Today it’s a big government progressive statist versus a slightly slimmed down version of an other big government progressive statist.

So, I’ll grant you that much.
ThomasD
April 11th, 2012 @ 5:13 pm

That clearly nailed it.
ThePaganTemple
April 11th, 2012 @ 5:17 pm

I love how all the Romney haters bitch and moan about Romney, and call his supporters, even reluctant ones such as myself “Mittwits”, and swear they aren’t going to vote for Mitt, yet when a “Mittwit” gets snarky back with them they say things that amount to “now you better stop that or we really might not vote for Mitt”.
ThePaganTemple
April 11th, 2012 @ 5:22 pm

No its not going to be nullified, because Mormons are staunch conservatives and the Rev Wrights church are hard core leftists. That’s the point. And its the only point anybody really cares about. Nobody gives a rats ass about baptism of the dead of Magic Underwear or all that other bullshit. If that bullshit bothers them then they’re probably too far gone to reason with anyway.
RichFader
April 11th, 2012 @ 5:34 pm

I’m not crazy about Romney. Know why? Not because he’s Mormon. Not even because he’s a squish. No, I don’t like him as the nominee because I want to win. And I don’t see how the Mitt Romney I’ve seen thus far gets to a win in November. Unless he toughens up and gets a lot better (and his family and entourage does too), he’s going to lose, even if every fire-breathing conservative gets behind him. You want reality? That’s reality right there.
Publius13
April 11th, 2012 @ 5:51 pm

Why should anyone stop criticizing Willard???? He is such an etch-a-sketch target. His negative campaign against Newt and Rick will not easily be forgotten.
Publius13
April 11th, 2012 @ 5:52 pm

At least you can spell her name. I sure couldn’t in Nov 2010 and they threw my ballot out.
Pathfinder's wife
April 11th, 2012 @ 6:05 pm

or push for more gun control laws than he already has?
Pathfinder's wife
April 11th, 2012 @ 6:15 pm

Pagan, not all Mormons are staunch conservatives — most of the ones we have around here really like their welfare.
They call it “bleeding the beast” (no joke, my old neighbor used to brag about it, and he was scamming the SNAP/TANF system for all it was worth, not to mention his taxes, bragged about that as well).

So I wouldn’t use that one too much — or the Dems will start having fun with that meme as well.
Michael Zak
April 11th, 2012 @ 6:15 pm

If Obama is re-elected, this country will be unrecognizable four years from now. That is change every conservative should want to prevent.

As a conservative, I will vote for the Republican nominee.
richard mcenroe
April 11th, 2012 @ 6:45 pm

This is real life. The choice before us is a crap sandwich or a dungburger…
Adobe_Walls
April 11th, 2012 @ 6:45 pm

Make the case that electing Romney will be any better, skip the part about court nominees that’s been thoroughly covered in house here. Explain how a candidate who thinks we don’t need “smaller government we need smarter government” (as if there was such a thing) is any better than a marginal improvement over Obamsky. This country is unrecognizable NOW, we need a radically different direction and Mitt ain’t it.
ThePaganTemple
April 11th, 2012 @ 6:46 pm

Whereas continually harping about Santorum is like throwing a Monkees reunion and only getting Davy Jones.
smitty
April 11th, 2012 @ 6:46 pm

That’s it: choice. I’m all for choosing Romney, but lack all interest in being told I have to vote for him, or that, due to the threat of X, I must suspend all criticism.
smitty
April 11th, 2012 @ 6:47 pm

Again, merely swapping WMR for BHO does not a course change for the ship of state make.
ThePaganTemple
April 11th, 2012 @ 6:52 pm

If you know Mormons that do that, you might want to call child protective services to come out and look for their fifty teenage brides they have hidden in their basements. Those aren’t real modern Mormons, by the way, they are a small minority, and that’s including all the others who engage in “bleeding the beast”.

The real Mormons of today are mostly conservative, and all of them are monogamous. Just go to Utah and find out. And when they vote in the presidential election, they don’t ask what religion the GOP candidate is, they just vote for him, by a typically overwhelming margin.

They’re a hell of a lot more conservative than most of the evangelical Christians who supported fiscal moderate Mike Huckabee in 2008, or the more than fifty percent of Catholics who in every election vote Democrat, put it that way.
ThePaganTemple
April 11th, 2012 @ 7:39 pm

Oh no you don’t Adobe. You can’t just blow off the importance of the Supreme Court and other appointments to the federal judiciary. Granted, Mitt might not be the absolute best we could have hoped for when it comes to that, but at least we can exert an influence over him. The only thing we can inspire in Obama in that regard is a snarl and a laugh. And this is the issue of the most overriding importance. Any law can be repealed. A Supreme Court appointment can go on for multiple decades.

And when Ginsburg finally retires, and if Obama gets to replace her, I hope you realize he’s not going to replace her with another old bat. Sorry, it will be somebody young enough to last for two or three decades, the same as with anybody else he gets to replace.

So even if Obama only gets to replace the leftist judges, even if the conservatives and even Kennedy hold out, he’s going to leave a lasting legacy for every damn one he replaces. And worse, he might get to replace one or two of the conservatives. Even if he replaces Kennedy, the swing voter, I promise the person he replaces him with won’t be that damn kind of swinger.

Go with the guy you might at least have some influence over.
ThePaganTemple
April 11th, 2012 @ 7:43 pm

But it can. And probably will. One thing’s for sure, if you hate Obama in his first term, you don’t even want to contemplate how he’ll be in his second term, when he doesn’t have to worry about running for another term, and in fact the only thing he has to worry about is not a god damn thing. Screw that noise, as bad as he has been, damned if I’m going to sit back and watch while he gets a second chance to screw us all even worse.

Willard will at least be somewhat circumspect in what he tries to do.
Garym
April 11th, 2012 @ 8:19 pm

You are not a true Mittwit. You have always taken the reasoned path. I will vote for the nominee, just like I did the last time. The man just doesn’t give me any reason to vote for him and he certainly isn’t inspiring.
Pathfinder's wife
April 11th, 2012 @ 8:20 pm

Actually Pagan, I didn’t have to — both families got DCFS called on them pretty regularly.
No multiple brides, but these two families did have a ton of kids, loved their welfare bennies, and never worked more than half the year straight in the 10 years they were around here (which was a bit grating to be honest, especially after all that self reliance I’d hear so much about).

That’s beside the point: the GOP starts making the wholesome, clean cut, good citizen argument and the Dems will pounce on it and bring up every incident of some LDS group or person that isn’t.

I don’t have to go to Utah: I’ve had these neighbors, 2 bosses, some co-workers, and a couple of family members that were LDS (and yes, every last one of them tried to do the picking up a convert thing with me and mine, so I’ve been through my fair share of missionary visits). Some were good, some were bad, and not one of them ever expressed any love of small government/individual liberty ideals (they did vote GOP to the last one though, I”ll give you that).
ThePaganTemple
April 11th, 2012 @ 9:10 pm

Getting rid of that fucking Obama is inspiration enough for me.
McGehee
April 11th, 2012 @ 9:12 pm

not all Mormons are staunch conservatives

<cough> Harry Reid <cough>
ThePaganTemple
April 11th, 2012 @ 9:13 pm

Nobody said you should suspend all criticism. I know I never did. I always criticize my own chosen candidates when I feel its needed and appropriate, like Bachmann, because I want them to be better candidates and not make dumb ass mistakes.
McGehee
April 11th, 2012 @ 9:14 pm

Assertion Romneyrrhoid is asserting.
ThePaganTemple
April 11th, 2012 @ 9:19 pm

I’m not trying to be a proselytizer for the Mormon faith, I damn sure couldn’t believe in that crazy shit. And I guess it makes sense that they wouldn’t have a culture of belief in small government. But they do have good strong, conservative family values and work ethic, are generally fair and civic-minded, moral, etc. But I’m not going to judge Mitt for being a Mormon, one way or another, and I don’t think most other people will give a damn either.
ThePaganTemple
April 11th, 2012 @ 9:46 pm

He’s openly Pro-Life and Pro 2nd Amendment. If he were a Republican running for President against Romney eighty percent of the people here would be supporting him just like they are Santorum now, and just like many Christian conservatives did Huckabee in ’08, even though he was a fiscal moderate.
Adobe_Walls
April 11th, 2012 @ 9:58 pm

Point of order: Dingbat is the feminine of nitwit, the ” dingbat wing of the GOP” should have read the dingbat and nitwit wing of the GOP. One must observe the proprieties and it’s not fair to pick on the ladies.
Pathfinder's wife
April 11th, 2012 @ 10:08 pm

Well, that’s just it. People are going to be drawn in to defending Mormonism in defending Romney.
Personally, I’m pretty live and let live with the whole religious thing — but certain religious groups have already gotten raked over the coals and hung out to dry (by both sides), including the only one I have any attachment to (sentimentality is admittedly a personal fault from time to time, but the people did educate me, so there’s that), and I have a hard time coming to logical, scientific grips with everything THEY take as gospel truth.
I’m just not in the mood to defend another religion, one I have absolutely no attachments to and would have less ability to rationally argue the tenets of than my old one (and I’ve had some annoying personal encounters with to boot — I’m not a big fan of people insisting on selling their religion at my house, then getting offended when I don’t want to buy).
I’m certainly not in the mood to defend it for somebody who should be doing his own defense and who the best thing I can say about him is “he’s purdy” — which is really the prime quality I’m looking for in a president anyway. I’m really not in the mood to defend Romney period, and if some of these Romney supporters keep it up with the nastiness towards the unwilling I find myself drifting towards a sneaking desire to sit back, drink a few beers, and see him get thoroughly speculum’d (including his religious beliefs: if going after Santorum with Opus Dei and the St. Santo remarks was good enough then by all means let’s let it rip on the LDS).

And that, is the problem imhao.
Adobe_Walls
April 11th, 2012 @ 10:20 pm

You’ve missed the point (you have a gift) Adjoran has thoroughly and repeatedly covered that ground, if court appointments and who will be making them is all the “vote for Mitt he’s all we’ve got” folks have got, the Republic and Mitt’s ambition are well and truly fucked.
SDN
April 11th, 2012 @ 10:47 pm

Richard, we have exactly the choice we had in 1776: Liberty or Death. The problem is that both the official candidates represent Death. Obama might make that obvious enough to spark the Revolution 2.0 followed by exile of the Tories we really need.
ThePaganTemple
April 11th, 2012 @ 11:13 pm

I just don’t care about that shit. People always assume religion is a drawback, but it didn’t prevent Kennedy from being elected, back in 1960 when being a Catholic in the minds of many was a cause to question one’s loyalty to the country and the constitution.

But as Truman put it, “It’s not the Pope I’m worried about, its the Pop.”

Unfortunately not enough people were worried about the Pop, but nobody seemed to be worried about the Pope, at least not like many assumed.