An American Crisis: Fat Lesbians

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Why are lesbians fat? Or, why are fat women lesbians? Is correlation causation? This profound scientific mystery demands an answer, and you can’t have science without a federal research grant:

The federal government has spent $2.2 million studying why three quarters of lesbians are obese despite sequestration-mandated budget cuts that critics warned could “delay progress in medical breakthroughs.”
The National Institutes of Health awarded an additional $682,873 to Brigham and Women’s Hospital for the study on July 17. The project had received previous grants of $778,622 in 2011, and $741,378 in 2012. Total funding has reached $2,202,873.
The project has survived budget cuts due to sequestration, which the NIH warned would “delay progress in medical breakthroughs.” . . .
“Obesity is one of the most critical public health issues affecting the U.S. today,” the grant’s “public health relevance” statement reads. . . .
“It is now well-established that women of minority sexual orientation are disproportionately affected by the obesity epidemic, with nearly three-quarters of adult lesbians overweight or obese, compared to half of heterosexual women,” the project’s abstract states. “In stark contrast, among men, heterosexual males have nearly double the risk of obesity compared to gay males.”

Wait a minute — both lesbians and heterosexual males have obesity issues, compared to either straight women or gay men?

EXPOSURE TO VAGINA CAUSES OBESITY!

The science is settled. That will be $2.2 million, please.



 

 

UPDATE: Dana Pico notes that “majority sexual orientation” is now the official designation, which means that terms like “heterosexual” and “straight” will probably soon be classified as hateful epithets and anti-majority slurs. Of course, I’ve always thought of myself as suffering from hyperphallic vaginocentrism, but I just checked the mailbox and my disability payment still hasn’t arrived.

Oh, the horrible stigma and discrimination . . .

 

85 comments

  2. OK, blew coffee out of my nose at the end of that one! But, it was for a good cause, with the science being settled and all.

  8. I am SO HAPPY this is settled !
    I have been wondering about this for 50 years

    PHEWW! – Now I can go to bed and sleep soundly!

  9. The butch lesbian or “bull dyke” suffers from a hormonal imbalance with testosterone not unlike a sufferer of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome who also deals with weight issues, facial hair, and the masculinizing of facial feautures and some gender traits. One only need to see one of these women in close proximity(which I have after living in SF for a number of years) and you will know that homosexuality is biological and psychological.

  13. You sound like a perfect candidate to join the medical staff at The Vaginology Treatment Center at The Lord Fatheringay Von Whoopsie Memorial Hospital and Tiki Bar.

    Call us for an interview [cocktails served, of course].

    Cordially…
    Dr. Robert Oswald Belvedere, OB-GYN

  14. When you become obese, diving is no longer an option.

    We have studied this a lot.

    Cordially…

    Dr. Robert Oswald Belvedere, OB-GYN
    CEO, The Vaginology Treatment Center at The Lord Fatheringay Von Whoopsie Memorial Hospital and Tiki Bar.

  17. Majority sexual orientation?
    I’m still going to say I prefer womenfolk… or for the nerds, estrogen-based lifeforms.

  18. Wow! That would be a medical first! You can really will facial hair, weight gain, and change the hormonal balance of your body by pure will? Hmmm…I’d really like to be taller! It’s the same with some gay males. They suffer from higher levels of estrogen therefore have more feminine mannerisms. You can’t regulate your hormonal balance by will, dummy.

    face facts: your opinions are based on pure bias against gays as people.

    Now where’s that kook, Alessandra? Off at another hate rally I suppose?

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