The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Waiting For O-Dough: Act I

Posted on | December 2, 2009 | Comments Off on Waiting For O-Dough: Act I

by Smitty

Waiting for O-Dough: Announcement

(Smitty sits on the couch, trying to get his boot off. Enter Stacy at right.)
Smitty: (Giving up on the boot again) I got nothin‘.
Stacy: Yeah, me too.
Smitty: I reckon we’re morally equivalent, then.
Stacy: Yep.
Smitty: So, where’d you hang your hat last night?
Stacy: A ditch.
Smitty: There was room for you on the porch!
Stacy: Sure, but your snoring is enough to wake the dead.
Smitty: Hmm. Maybe that’s who keeps getting in line ahead of me for the sleep apnea appointment.
Stacy: When, that famous event?
Smitty: Dunno. Can you help me get this boot off?
Stacy: How cool we were, Smitty, long ago, before even CPAC, when the presidential campaign wasn’t an ignoble train wreck. When there was a possibility of a real economy. When we weren’t stuck here, unemployed, waiting for O-Dough…
Smitty: I said, can you help be get this boot off?
Stacy: Oh, alright. (He stoops, grabs the boot, tugs mightily. Simultaneously, Smitty comes off the couch, landing on the porch. Stacy steps back, looses his footing on the corner of the television and lands on the porch. The boot traces an arc out into the yard.
They both slowly rise.)
Smitty: Do you see where my boot went?
Stacy: It’s out in the yard, past the second truck.
Smitty: Will you go get it?
Stacy: Ain’t my boot.
Smitty: I cain’t go in that yard barefoot! Until I get me some O-Dough, there ain’t no way to cover the payments on what you’d catch walkin‘ out there with nekkid tootsies.
Stacy: Oh, alright. (He goes to get the boot, comes back. Smitty stares at the collection of junk on the porch.) I was wonderin‘ on my way over here: you ever read the Bible?
Smitty: I heard of it.
Stacy: Do you remember the Gospels?
Smitty: I remember dad had rituals to get the truck started. He called them the ‘Go spells’. Lost dad, lost the spells, the truck ain’t moved in years.
Stacy: That sounds like a Country Dungeouns and Western Dragons song. Are you a musician?
Smitty: (Gestures into the window, where a guitar with two strings is visible on the table.) Isn’t that obvious?
Stacy: What about the two thieves?
Smitty: Were they in the Legislative or Executive branch. With 537 to pick from, why just the two?
Stacy: I’m not talking about the government, silly. The Gospels. The crucifiction. The two theives.
Smitty: Why didn’t the government offer them free health care?
Stacy: What are you, stupid? The government carried out the crucifictions. It was the opposite of health care.
Smitty: Are you saying the Roman government was like the Bush administration?
Stacy: You are so completely dense. Maybe we need a change of scenery, to give you some fresh air. This porch is too depressing.
Smitty: We can’t leave. We’re waiting for our chance. The big bailout. What’s owed us for all our suffering. O-Dough. It should be in the mail soon.
Stacy: How soon?
Smitty: That’s not clear. Digging us out from under the wreckage of the previous administration has been hard. There is so much unfairness. Such a lack of social justice, income justice, racial justice, economic justice. It’s taking time to get down to the “just us” justice.
Stacy: Right. You hear that, coming around the corner of the house?
(Enter Lefty stage left, on a leash, carrying: a seabag, a folding chair, and a picnic basket under a large coat. Lefty advances around to the middle of the porch. A whip cracks, and Lefty stops, cowering, but with a hint of a smile. Bob Belvedere at stage left. )
Stacy: Are you the postman, come with our O-Dough?
Smitty: Yes.
Bob: I present myself: Bob Belvedere.
Smitty: Isn’t our postman named Bob? He brings the O-Dough!
Stacy: Curb your enthusiasm.
Bob: What is this O-Dough?
Smitty: It’s the big cash infusion that is going to lift us from this porch!
Stacy: It’s the social justice we are owed!
Smitty: It’s the re-distribution of wealth away from the evil capitalists and toward the people!
Stacy: O, the answer to the evil W!
Bob: Never heard of it. (To Lefty, cracking whip) Set up for lunch! (Lefty sets up the chair in front of the porch, opens the seabag, extracts a folding tray, and works on lunch preparations. A tablecloth, a bottle, and a basket appear before the hungry eyes of Smitty and Stacy. Bob sits.)
Smitty: What’s up with him?
Bob: Hey, the new jobs program is a huge success. Look at how Lefty is employed.
Stacy: But, aren’t you violating OSHA regulations here?
Bob: I might be, if I didn’t work for Congress, where none of the laws apply.
Smitty: Really? What’s Lefty’s career path, then?
Bob: Well, as a junior intern for the Ways and Means Committee, he has to be tested, which is what we’re up to here. Following the success of this Training Run (heh), he’ll be allowed to take calls from donors, lobbyists, and industry to request certain language in legislation. (Bob extracts a sandwich from the bag and devours it.)
Smitty: Really? What if Stacy here would be interested in such a position?
Bob: Well (A giant swig from the bottle), I imagine if Stacy were suitable for such a position, I should have heard of him. What year did you graduate Yale, Stacy? Or was it some other Ivy League school?
Stacy: Well, it was really Kudzu League… Hey, next time you call back to DC, can you ask what’s up with the O-Dough that Porch Manqué Productions was supposed to get?
Bob: But off course. Now, you are aware of the suggested campaign contributions? One hates to dwell on the minutia, but the time of the Government is precious, and it takes time to work all the way down the list. You have to take responsibility for yourself and the management of your position on the list. (Another tremendous bite, and the sandwich has disappeared. A long quaff of the bottle, a belch, and a sigh. Stacy and Smitty look on, eyes and mouths watering.) Well, lads, we really must be off. Lefty, clean up. (Lefty carefully stows all the debris with practiced ease. Bob cracks the whip, and they exit stage right.)
Smitty: Is it too late for the mail today? Bob really got my hopes up about the O-Dough.
Stacy: Probably. Maybe tomorrow.
(A boy wanders in from stage right.)
Smitty: Say, lad: have you seen the postman?
Boy: Didn’t you? He was just by. His bag looked totally empty. If your box is empty, you struck out.
Stacy: Do you know of anyone who’s gotten their O-Dough?
Boy: I hear rumors, but no one in this area, that’s for sure.
Smitty: Thanks.


Copyright 2010, Christopher L. Smith


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