The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Dear Rachel Maddow: How Often Should We Shake Hands With Mister Happy?

Posted on | September 15, 2010 | 96 Comments

Professor William Jacobson has accused you, Miss Maddow, of “sexualizing” Christine O’Donnell, which may elicit some unfortunate mental images, so let’s not go there, OK?

However, reasonable people of goodwill might wonder what political advantage you hoped to gain for the Progressive Wanker Community by calling attention to Miss O’Donnell’s youthful career as an advocate of sexual purity, to wit:

“We need to address sexuality with young people, and masturbation is part of sexuality, but it is important to discuss this from a moral point of view. . . . The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery so — you can’t masturbate without lust.”
Christine O’Donnell, 1996

Is there anything controversial about this? Do you, Miss Maddow, find anything factually wrong about Miss O’Donnell’s assertions? Perhaps you believe that we should not discuss sexuality “from a moral point of view.” Perhaps you think that masturbation without lust is possible. Do you think Americans don’t masturbate enough? Do they masturbate too much? Are we just not doing it the right way? Or is it possible that you think we have arrived at the Golden Age of Onanistic Indulgence?

Inquiring minds want to know, Miss Maddow, and you have a nightly television show where you are free to share your own views on the subject, given your evident interest in the Science of Self-Pleasure.

You should discuss this idea with your producers at MSNBC, as I’m sure that the Rachel Maddow Spank the Monkey Special would draw much higher ratings than anything Chris Matthews might say about his Obama-inspired leg thrills.

America awaits your helpful advice and thoughtful insights on the proper method and optimal frequency for pounding our puds or, as the case may be, buffing your muff.

You’ll have to excuse me now, Miss Maddow. As the AOSHQ gang would say, “I’ll be in my bunk.”


96 Responses to “Dear Rachel Maddow: How Often Should We Shake Hands With Mister Happy?”

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    September 26th, 2010 @ 7:29 pm

    […] again why Christine O’Donnell can’t win in Delaware because she told MTV in 1996 that masturbation is sinful. var addthis_append_data='false';var addthis_language='en';var addthis_options='twitter, digg, […]

  2. My Sincere Apology . . . : The Other McCain
    September 28th, 2010 @ 2:04 am

    […] and, in point of fact, several experts have theorized that brain damage — perhaps caused by unfortunate adolescent habits — may explain why I occasionally act like the sixth-grade smart-aleck I used to be.The […]