The Other McCain

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BREAKING: Rumored Secret U.S. Weapon Causes Taliban Surrender

Posted on | December 4, 2010 | 23 Comments

Shocking news from Afghanistan:

KABUL — Thousands of Taliban fighters have surrendered to Allied forces after rumors spread among the militants in Afghanistan that the United States was prepared to deploy a devastating new secret weapon, NATO commanders said Saturday.
As frightened former members of the Afghan insurgency streamed into Allied encampments, tearfully pleading to be rescued, NATO troops noticed that many of the surrendering Taliban were covered in urine.
“We’ve never seen anything like it,” said one U.S. official in Kandahar. “They are quite literally pissing themselves in fear.”
Pentagon sources say the panic that led to the mass surrender was inspired by rumors — spread virally over the Internet — that the U.S. Navy was prepared to unleash a weapon that could permanently disrupt the Taliban’s online command-and-control channels, exposing the terrorist insurgents to complete destruction by the Allied forces.
While details of the Navy weapons program are classified, rumors circulating in Afghanistan say that it would switch jihadist Web sites from easy-to-use Blogger software to a WordPress custom platform, which the primitive Pashtun tribesmen could not possibly understand or use effectively.
Employing sophisticated technology, the weapon would then install the Disqus commenting system, inhibiting the ability of Taliban site owners to moderate comments. It would further impair their communications network with a barrage of disruptive messages, urging the Islamist militants to cease using and instead install the high-tech TweetDeck program, which is incompatible with antiquated computer systems used by the insurgents.
Several jihadist Internet sites featured a photo of the so-called “REMF Stealth Ninja” system, although officials in both the U.S. and Afghanistan denied any knowledge of . . .

This photo was forwarded to us with a cryptic message:

I would like to thank Simon and Garfunkel for their restraint in not recording “Squid Over Troubled Landmass.”

We can neither confirm nor deny that the person depicted in this photo is a constituent of the Biggest Tool in Congress:

With President Obama on the ground in Afghanistan Friday, Rep. Jim Moran (D-Va.) declared the U.S.-led war in that country unwinnable.



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