The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

My Health Secret, Revealed!

Posted on | March 4, 2011 | 58 Comments

People have often asked me, “Stacy, how is it that you eat such a horrible diet of junk food, you smoke, drink, consume vast quantities of coffee, and have never jogged or worked out, and yet you remain so slim, vigorous and full of energy at your age?”

Now my secret has been discovered:

A study says it is actually healthy to stare at a woman’s breasts. . . .
The study found the men who stared at breasts more often showed lower rates of heart problems, a lower resting heart rate and lower blood pressure.
The authors of the study recommend that men stare at breasts for 10 minutes a day.

It’s science!

UPDATE: Dan Collins is also an exemplar of cardiovascular health.

UPDATE II: After further consultation, Dan and I have decided to form the Collins-McCain Institute of Therapeutic Breast-Staring. Our motto: “Check out her rack, or you’ll have a heart attack!”

Meanwhile, some are claiming that this study is a “hoax.” But at the CMITBS, we don’t rely on mere theoretical research. Rather, we engage in extensive field studies involving the best specimens available — a hands-on approach to research.

UPDATE III: Well, enough of the introductory lecture. Now, time for some therapy!

The staff of the Collins-McCain Institute for Therapeutic Breast-Staring would like to thank Christina Hendricks and Anne Hathaway for their heroic efforts to improve America’s cardiovascular health.

Patients are invited to provide testimonials to the benefits of this breakthrough therapy and, of course, your contributions to fund our ongoing research are always welcome.

UPDATE IV: Welcome, Instapundit readers!

UPDATE V: Cold Fury agrees the science is settled and, as might be expected, Bob Belvedere provides a therapeutic opportunity.

UPDATE VI: Professor Donald Douglas endorses this therapy and, of course, we agree with Red at Caught Him With a Corndog: “Rule 5 Vindicated!”

UPDATE VII: We particularly recommend Salma Hayek’s breasts as stare-worthy.


58 Responses to “My Health Secret, Revealed!”

  1. Dr. Clyde 'Fingers' Proctor
    March 4th, 2011 @ 11:21 pm

    Did somebody say Boob Czar?

  2. Anonymous
    March 5th, 2011 @ 9:11 am

    In a similar vein you should check out Grouchy Old Cripple for his weekly “Saturday Boobage.” It’s most enjoyable and good for your health.