The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

The Science Is Settled!

Posted on | April 9, 2012 | 24 Comments

According to the latest scientific study, homophobes are secretly gay!

Therefore, Fred Phelps is Andrew Sullivan’s dream date, or something.

For many years, I’ve been working on a scientific study to confirm my hypothesis that some lesbians — the really hot ones — are in fact secretly bisexual and eager to have me join them for a threesome.


24 Responses to “The Science Is Settled!”

  1. Lisa Graas
    April 9th, 2012 @ 4:34 pm


  2. Lisa Graas
    April 9th, 2012 @ 4:35 pm

     Now I have to go wash my brain out!

  3. Tennwriter
    April 9th, 2012 @ 4:42 pm

    For decades we wait around for the Left to offend us, and then we fight back.  Now is good time to do the offending first.

  4. Scarlett_156
    April 9th, 2012 @ 4:45 pm

    Your column raises an interesting question: 

    Why don’t we ever see any of those Barbie-doll video lesbians out in public with their girlfriends, anyway…?  Could it be that the porn video industry is somehow lying to us…?  O.o

  5. RichFader
    April 9th, 2012 @ 4:57 pm

    Fred and Andrew? Sounds like the contents of a bottle of good old vintage Pharisee from “Screwtape Proposes A Toast”.

  6. robertstacymccain
    April 9th, 2012 @ 4:57 pm

    Why don’t we ever see any of those Barbie-doll video lesbians out in public with their girlfriends, anyway…? 

    Because they’re all camped out on my front lawn.

  7. Ford Prefect
    April 9th, 2012 @ 5:17 pm

    Let’s extend this “logic” shall we?

    Homophobes = secretly gay

    so that means…

    Atheists = secretly Christians
    Sharptonesque race baiters = secretly agree with conservatives
    Wacko environmentalists = secretly love big polluters
    Santorum fans = secretly Romneybots.
    Obama voters = secretly intelligent.

    See, I’m not getting how this logic works. Need some help on this one.

  8. AnonymousDrivel
    April 9th, 2012 @ 5:19 pm

    Interesting. So I have a bit of an aversion to rattlesnakes the degree to which depends directly on their proximity to me at a given moment. Generally they can carry on their business in nature and I don’t care; however, if they bring their snakitude into my kitchen, I’m not going to be pleased. I may even get hostile.

    Is it because I’m secretly part rattlesnake and, while being trapped in a human corpse, desperately afraid of rattles?

    BTW, don’t read anything at all into this exceedingly well-articulated, incontrovertible truthyism. It’s just my way of admitting that I may or may not be a snake… depending on the Rorschach held before me.

  9. AnonymousDrivel
    April 9th, 2012 @ 5:30 pm

    Part of the logic boils down to, “I want grant money and this avenue of inquiry currently pays.”

    Fundamentally and (perhaps) more seriously, I actually encourage such studies as long as they are in the pursuit of truth and not politics. And there’s the rub. Which are politically/monetarily driven and which are real science for knowledge? And who gets to decide that very pigeonholing?

    Obviously the broad overview of the alternate outcomes you paralleled with the homophobia study would be counterintuitive to normal human behavior, but the conclusions drawn are ridiculously speculative. I’d want to see a biochemical study done, if it could be designed, to validate the lumpy-headed psychological one where conclusions are a bit like interpretive dance.

  10. JeffS
    April 9th, 2012 @ 5:33 pm

    Fred and Andrew, sitting in a tree
    K – I – S – S – I – N – G !
    First comes love,
    Then comes marriage.
    There goes a baby in a baby carriage!

  11. The Science of Hot Lesbians « The Daley Gator
    April 9th, 2012 @ 5:44 pm

    […] McCain, who is neither a scientist,nor a Lesbian posts about some science that has piqued his interest Denial can be a powerful defense mechanism. Apparently, homophobia is too — at least according to […]

  12. ThePaganTemple
    April 9th, 2012 @ 5:46 pm

     Then an adoption agency says “Please don’t sue us for discrimination we’ll give you all the baby boys you want.”

  13. ThePaganTemple
    April 9th, 2012 @ 5:48 pm

    Clearly, no conservative wants to be called a queer, so this is supposed to shut them up and keep them from opposing gay marriage and other pole-smokers initiatives.

  14. Teresamerica
    April 9th, 2012 @ 6:13 pm

    Is this the how illogical can a progressive be contest?  Why do liberals want everyone to be gay? They must have issues with feelings of inadequacy. 

  15. TrogloPundit
    April 9th, 2012 @ 6:15 pm

    In other words, Stacy McCain is secretly in love with David Brooks.  I think that’s a logical conclusion.

  16. eMatters
    April 9th, 2012 @ 6:20 pm

    Of course!  And the Christian-haters are really Christians.

    P.S. Friendly reminder: Fred Phelps is a Democrat.  Funny how the media never mentions that.

  17. Ford Prefect
    April 9th, 2012 @ 7:26 pm

    Hasn’t the “homophobe = secretly gay” risen to “meme” status?  

  18. rosalie
    April 9th, 2012 @ 7:27 pm

    Thanks for Ave Maria. That was very soothing.

  19. Perez Hilton, Former Homophobe? - The POH Diaries
    April 9th, 2012 @ 7:28 pm

    […] I’m not homophobic so I guess that means I’m good then, right? Stacy McCain weighs in with a disturbing mental picture and a possible scientific experiment of his own. I’m game. […]

  20. Adobe_Walls
    April 9th, 2012 @ 9:19 pm

    Though they should they don’t.

  21. Adobe_Walls
    April 9th, 2012 @ 9:21 pm

    “I want grant money and this avenue of inquiry currently pays.”

    I’d say that pretty much applies to most studies.

  22. Charles
    April 9th, 2012 @ 11:28 pm

    I was waiting for the Green Line on a warm day in Boston a few weeks back, and two very hot young twenty-something lesbians decided that the outdoor bench waiting for the streetcar was a good place to make out.

    A few years back, a buddy of mine and I joined a table of three lesbians at a crowded bar. Three is an odd number of lesbians, a number that reorients your ideas of threesomes and foursomes. Wrap your imagination around that.

  23. robertstacymccain
    April 10th, 2012 @ 12:03 am

    Face it, Charles: You’ve reached the age where all twenty-something chicks qualify as “hot.”

  24. Adobe_Walls
    April 10th, 2012 @ 12:48 am

    There was a bad time?