Just Call Me ‘Grandpa McCain’

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The Victory Through Breeding™ program — our long-term plan for McCain world dominance through superior procreative capacity — took an important step forward this morning with the birth of our first grandchild James William McCain Jr.

Equipped by ancestral heritage with a keen eye for quality womanhood, our son Jim clearly chose well in his selection of the lovely Danielle as his mate. She may look like a delicate slender thing, but her reproductive excellence was amply demonstrated. Not only did she carry our first grandchild two weeks past the normal gestation period (which scientific researchers theorize is an adaptation necessary for the advanced development of the massive McCain brain), but Danielle accomplished the delivery after just 20 hours of labor.

Obviously, a woman  worthy of the McCain seed.

Did I mention that Danielle is also an honor student? The Next Generation of the McCain World Dominance System is proceeding with expected advances in the James 2.0 prototype, who immediately began a series of cardio-pulmonary exercises we call “aerobic crying.”

It is to be hoped that the arrival of Baby James will set off a procreative stampede. Aunt Kennedy is rumored to be envious that her younger brother beat her to the honor of providing us with our first grandchild, and word from Fort Bragg is that Uncle Bob is worried that his status as an Army Special Forces trainee may delay him in matching his twin brother’s achievement. And also our younger children — Uncle Jeff, Uncle Emerson and Aunt Reagan — now have the inspiration for their own future contributions to the McCain World Dominance System.

“All is proceeding as I have foreseen.”

Further photos and videos of adorable cuteness are anticipated, as our sweet little Baby James makes his own distinct effort to teach the online world The Five Most Important Words in the English Language:

“Hit the freaking tip jar!”





180 comments

  2. Congratulations!

    I will now helpfully list a few common synonyms for the term ‘grandfather’…

    Grandfather: Father Time, Methuselah, Nestor, Old Paar, centenarian, dotard, elder, gaffer, geezer, golden-ager, grampa, gramps, grandpa, grandsire, graybeard, nonagenarian, octogenarian, old chap, old codger, old dog, old duffer, old geezer, old gent, old gentleman, old man, old party, old-timer, older, oldster, pantaloon, patriarch, presbyter, senior citizen, septuagenarian, sexagenarian, the quiet-voiced elders, venerable sir

    And remember: one word you’ll find difficult to use going forward, when your grandchild comes to you for things denied by his parents:

    “No”.

    Cheers, and may God bless all of this branch of the McCain family!

  15. Instead of ‘hit the freakin’ tip jar’, how about ‘pay your freakin’ tax bill’ you trashy fuck. Do we need more babies on welfare?

  22. Congratulations, Stacy, to you and Mrs. McCain, and James’ parents. Green is the tree of life. May blessings be showered upon your grandson.

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