The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

‘Supports Digestive Health’

Posted on | March 15, 2025 | 49 Comments

You probably wouldn’t expect me to be a whole wheat kind of guy, but that’s one improvement in my life for which I credit my wife. When I married her, she couldn’t believe I was still eating crappy white bread, and looking back on it, I’m kind of amazed myself. So, every morning my breakfast is peanut butter on wheat toast — two slices. It’s simple and easy. I don’t usually like to eat a big breakfast, because whenever I eat a big meal, I suddenly feel like taking a nap, and that won’t do.

If you’re going to have two slices of peanut butter toast for breakfast, you want quality ingredients. I insist on Jif peanut butter. Ninety-nine percent of groceries, I’m perfectly fine with store brands, but when it comes to peanut butter, there’s simply no store-brand equivalent for Jif — it’s indisputably superior, the Aryan race of peanut butter, so to speak.

Quality bread also matters, when it comes to breakfast toast. When our youngest daughter is at home, she buys Dave’s Killer Bread, which is top-of-the-line stuff, because the Vegan Princess needs that for her avocado toast. (Well, of course, she’s about the avocado toast. It’s 2025, man.) But I’m fine with Arnold’s Whole Grain bread, which is still a quality product, if not quite the primo caliber of Dave’s. And the reason I’m going on this long dissertation about breakfast toast is because the other day in the grocery store, I go to get a loaf of bread and notice the package declaration: “Supports Digestive Health.”

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what’s called a euphemism. We know what it really means, don’t we? You could come up with your own blunt expression, but what it means is this stuff is going to rip through your guts like a .45-caliber hollow-point slug. In a healthy way.

Television ads have a lot of these “digestive health” references. As the Baby Boom generation ages, there’s this weird obsession with intestinal function — citizens of Hypochondriac Nation being a prime target for advertisers trying to sell various products aimed at those seized with a morbid fear of colon cancer. That term is almost never used explicitly in advertising for “digestive health” products, but neither is constipation, the other malady that aging Boomers seem obsessed with.

STOP TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR COLON PROBLEMS!

My attitude toward health is mixture of Calvinism and the Dale Carnegie “Power of Positive Thinking” approach. On the one hand, I figure when my number’s up, that’s it. God has ordained me to live a certain number of days, and it’s impious to imagine that I can cheat God in this matter. On the other hand, I think worrying about health is unhealthy. That’s why I try to avoid doctors. Lecture me all you want about the importance of regular check-ups, but what if they find something? So long as I’m not actually sick — that is, I’m not feeling any particular pain — I will consider myself healthy, and therefore in no need of medical attention.

Fear of disease can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know what’s a major contributing factor to health problems? Stress. You know what’s stressful? Worrying constantly about your health problems.

So, no, I don’t want to hear about your colon problems, because this might give my colon some kind of signal. Same thing with every other organ — liver, spleen, kidneys, prostate gland. I’m not sick, and I don’t want to worry about getting sick, and I need you people to shut the hell up about all these health issues you seem to be having all the time.

Have you seen these commercials for Jardiance? You know, the one with the fat lady dancing and singing a song?

I have Type 2 diabetes, but I manage it well.
It’s a little pill with a big story to tell.
I take once-daily Jardiance at each day’s start.
As time went on, it was easy to see,
I’m lowering my A1C.

The Commercial Jingle From Hell that gets stuck in your head, and I’m like, “Why didn’t we think of this before?” Five thousand years of human civilization, yet we never before came up with songs about our medical symptoms and treatments until the 21st century. And I suppose this is some people’s idea of progress. They want to end the “stigma” associated with certain health problems. Everybody knows that there is a correlation between obesity and Type II diabetes, the same way we know what “Supports Digestive Health” really means. The ad agency that produced the Jardiance commercial couldn’t reference this directly, however, so instead we get the pleasantly plump gal — not morbidly obese, just somewhat on the chunky side — singing, smiling, positive!

“Take our prescription drug, and you’ll be happy, too.” That’s the implied message, and I’m sure Type II diabetes patients are now sitting around mystified by the disappointment of the false hope of Instant Happiness™ raised by those Jardiance commercials. Whatever the improvement in their A1C score, they don’t feel any impulse to jump up and start dancing while singing about “the little pill with the big story to tell.”

We await the similar treatment of anti-psychotic drugs:

I was going kind of crazy,
Paranoid as hell,
Until I found a little pill with a story to tell.
Now I’m drowsy and drooling,
You know what I mean?
Zonked out on daily Thorazine.

Speaking of psychotics — this is what we professional journalists call a “transition” — Andy Ngo has a Zizian murder cult update:

“This is a show trial to coordinate the genocide of transgender people.” He screamed this nonstop and was moved to a separate booth so the hearing could proceed. He’s had this outburst repeatedly now at pre-trial hearings.

Oh, we need to destigmatize mental illness, they told us, and how is that working out? What part of Crazy People Are Dangerous do I need to explain here? “Transgender” is a euphemism for crazy, the same as “Digestive Health” is a synonym for . . . Well, you know what.



 

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Category: Culture

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