Now That Obama Has Saved Egypt From Disaster, It’s Time to Blog About Charlie Sheen and Other Screwed-Up Celebrities UPDATE: Justin Bieber Video Added!
Posted on | February 1, 2011 | 16 Comments
Today, I put up five posts — totalling more than 2,500 words, with four videos, two photos and 52 links — about the crisis in Egypt. I actually forced myself to watch both MSNBC and Al-Jazeera in order to bring you guys complete coverage:
- Egypt: Crisis Averted? Obama’s Speech: Transition ‘Must Begin Now’
- Army Chief Lt. Gen. Sami Enan Likely Mubarak Successor, Says French Report
- ‘The Euphoria Is Fading’
- Massive New Protests in Egypt
- Egyptian Mob Explains That ‘Freedom’ Means ‘We Got to Destroy Israel’
Frankly, I’m all Egypted-out. If President Obama’s foreign-policy genius doesn’t end this mess pretty soon, I’m going start shaking the tip-jar so I can fly off to Hollywood to join Charlie Sheen in rehab. (Or maybe some hookers and cocaine, if Charlie’s in the mood for a relapse by the time I get there.) And speaking of Charlie Sheen, 22-year-old porn star Kacey Jordan describes sex with the CBS star:
“It was OK. . . . It didn’t last very long .. . . It was a three-minute ordeal.”
Some of you ladies may not be impressed, but wait — there’s more!
“After sex we just sat in bed and he held on to me. . . . He promised me he’d get me a Bentley.”
Admit it, ladies: Any sex with that ends with “I’ll buy you a Bentley” is good sex. But there are limits, even for the biggest star on TV, and folks are worried that Charlie’s going to spend all his money that way:
Charlie Sheen’s family is growing increasingly concerned about his well being, and is quietly discussing going to court to gain conservatorship over him, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.
A source tells us: “Charlie looks awful… he is very, very depressed and feels like the world is going against him. Charlie’s parents are discussing getting a conservatorship of their son. Martin and Janet know that it’s highly unlikely their petition would be granted, but they are trying to do whatever possible to save Charlie’s life.”
Also, to keep him from buying Bentleys for every porn star in Hollywood. Thanks to Obama’s brilliant diplomacy, we’re now able to worry about Charlie’s problems again, and also Lindsay Lohan partying until 3 a.m. We can worry about J-Lo being jealous of Steven Tyler on American Idol. And we could worry about Jamie Pressly getting busted for DUI, if only we could remember why Jaime Pressly is supposed to be a “celebrity.”
See? Now that Obama has brought peace and stability to the Middle East, it’s safe to forget about Egypt and Hosni Mubarak and the Muslim Brotherhood and worry about stuff that’s really important. And what could possibly be more important than Kim Kardashian showing her naked booty?
That’s big news. A huge development.
Also, it’s “art,” according to editors at the fashion magazine W. And everybody likes “art,” right?
So you should thank Barack Obama for bringing an end to the Egyptian crisis, and sparing us the trouble of worrying about — and blogging about — silly stuff that distracts us from the really important things in life.
Like you hitting my tip-jar, for example. That’s very important. Because my wife’s wondering why I haven’t ever offered to buy her a Bentley.
UPDATE: Since we’re getting silly, here’s Justin Bieber on the Dave Letterman show:
That’s way more important than the Muslim Brotherhood taking over Egypt, right?