The Other McCain

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Bigger Breasts: By Any Means Necessary?

Posted on | March 22, 2011 | 20 Comments

Professor Glenn Reynolds has called our attention to a New York Times story reporting that breast-enhancement surgery is becoming more and more popular — a 40% increase in the number of such surgeries during the past decade, with more than 300,000 women undergoing such procedures in 2010.

While I have not consulted my colleague Dan Collins (co-founder of the world-renowned Collins-McCain Institute for Therapeutic Breast Staring) I must say that I personally oppose this trend.

Although particularly large breasts are most often prescribed for men in need of breast-staring therapy — and seem to be preferred by many undiagnosed patients who are, as they say, “self-medicating” — artificial enhancement tends to diminish the therapeutic effect.

We at the Institute appreciate the evident desire of women to contribute to men’s cardiovascular health by providing larger breasts for the purposes of therapeutic staring. However, it is my concern that men seeking treatment might mistakenly stare at these silicone-adulterated fakies, believing themselves to be receiving a large therapeutic dosage, and thereby in actuality under-dose themselves. This could put men at serious risk of cardiac trauma.

Therefore, I have long campaigned to discourage breast-enhancement surgery. While a trend away from mammoplasty — a return to the natural order, breast-wise – will likely lead to a relative scarcity of extra-large breasts, our patients will be able to compensate for the resulting shortage of C- and D-cups by staring twice as long at A- and B-cups.

We thank you for your cooperation!


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Category: humor, Instapundit, Piece of Work in Progress, Science

Comments

  • http://thatmrgguy.wordpress.com/ Mike

    Enhanced breasts are what’s considered a placebo in therapeutic terminology.

  • http://twitter.com/xRedRoverx Kristi

    lolololololol!

    On a slightly more serious note, I will add my own firsthand, real-life, experience–supported by other firsthand, real-life experiences related to me by friends and family members–to wit:

    There is almost nothing quite so surreal as being a female with home-grown large breasts in this day and age. One is still expected to show continued humility and submission in the face of one’s hostile co-workers, and of course endure the usual ragging/taunting by men, while at the same instant one has to witness some former A- or B-cup person parading around the office showing off her new chi-chis in tight shiny low-cut tops (with a suggestion of brand-new stiff-lace push-up bra showing through the fabric) and having everyone complement her like–I’m not kidding–it’s a baby she just gave birth to.

    You may think I’m kidding, or exaggerating. I’m not.

    And of course, there’s always that wonderful moment when some jerk approaches you in a public place (or even, sometimes, I’m sorry to say, the office) asking you if “they’re real”.

    The real capper is this one guy who suggested to me (in public, not in private conversation–I had no idea who he was) that if I didn’t want all that attention, I should have breast reduction surgery.

    The willingness to undergo surgical alteration to achieve social status is the key to social validation, or so it seems.

  • http://twitter.com/vermontaigne Dan Collins

    Your suppositions are supported, yea undergirded, by my recent experimentation. My working hypothesis is that photon-sized particles that I call breastons are emitted by from the breasts ogled by the patient. These are absorbed into the fovea and passed along to the oglycitic neural pathways, where they establish reinforcing good vibes, with a subsequent release of pleasurable mantastin from the ludicrous glands.

  • Anonymous

    Barack Obama is to presidential leadership what breast-enhancement surgery is to therapeutic breast-staring. Some say that the (ba)rack looked good from across the bar, but it turned out to be plastic and unyielding when undressed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ediv-Seventen/100002191628900 Ediv Seventen

    Best thing I ever purchased for her.

  • http://grandpajohn.blogspot.com/ Steve Burri

    Silicon enhancement attracts snakes.

  • http://twitter.com/vermontaigne Dan Collins

    Yes, some douchebag said a similar thing to me at a public urinal.

  • Anonymous

    Trouser snakes?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chuck-Coffer/1296650908 Chuck Coffer

    I can’t imagine my wife of 23 years having plastic bags full of goo in her real stuff . That’s just gross. It’s incredibly yucky.

    Worse would be me liking it. That would really be yucky.

  • JeffS

    I’d say that this subject merits careful scientific study, funded by a grant from the National Science Foundation.

    It’ll be an involved study. Just selecting the female component of the control group may take years of research.

    We just need a professor with a PhD to sign off on the grant application. Does any one know a possible candidate?

  • http://grandpajohn.blogspot.com/ Steve Burri

    Yeah, maybe, but in the last newsworthy case, the snake died.

  • http://grandpajohn.blogspot.com/ Steve Burri

    Yeah, maybe, but in the last newsworthy case, the snake died.

  • Joe

    http://www.movieline.com/2011/01/jack-nicholson-has-lost-his-game-and-8-other-sad-admissions-from-the-aging-star-1.php

    Did Jack Nicholson lose his game from getting old? Or did he lose his game from not getting enough boobage in his later years? I suspect the later. You lose the life enhancing properties of breastons Note that Jack also rejects fake breasts and being unnatural. That is because fake boobs produce only a trace amount of breastons compared to natural ones.

  • Joe

    Kristi. I am sorry you have to go through that. Perhaps you should submit a picture (a tasteful one of course) of your “problems” to Dr. Collins, Dr. Wombat, and Dr. McCain for further study.

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  • Bob Reed

    Fakies? Definitely second rate. But, you know, any port in a storm…

    Just as folks used to say, “look for the union label”, so too should we now caution men to, “look for the genuine jiggle!”…

    Like the old bluesman said, “Must be jelly, ’cause jam don’t shake like that…”

    My Regards

  • Roxeanne De Luca

    Eh, Stacy? Why are you ignoring the best way for women to get bigger breasts? Have something against pregnancy and babies, or have you just forgotten what a woman looks like three weeks after she’s given birth?

  • Anamika

    From the Urban dictionary:

    Cougar

    An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man.

    The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf.

    Cougars are gaining in popularity — particularly the true hotties — as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.

    That cougar I met last night, showed me shit I didn’t know existed, I’m goin back for more.

    I only just discovered that dictionary recently. It’s helped me more than twice this past month keep up with a changing culture.

    The cosmetic surgery and botox industry has exploded in the past five years.

    Isn’t so sad to see a 60-year trying to look 25 with the aid of botox and surgery? (And that goes for men and women.)

    And look at the physical fitness industry today – how much of it is NOT geared to being fit, but being buff and hot.

    Who needs to buy porn these days? Just watch a late-night ‘fitness’ informercial on TV.

  • MikeF

    him: “hey, are those real?”
    her: “yeah, and so is this tazer, let me show you.”

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