Posted on | June 28, 2013 | 61 Comments
Here’s the headline:
And I know your first question: “Is this NSFW?”
It’s probably OK, unless you start laughing so hard that Diet Pepsi comes out of your nose and gets all over your computer screen.
Your second question: “Stacy, how did you find that weird thing?”
Well, I was going to do a Kaitlyn Hunt update and wanted to see if there was any recent news I could use as a “hook” for the latest eruption of craziness from inside the “Free Kate” universe. So I did a Google search and turned up a link to FeministLawProfessors.com. Turns out their “Free Kate” item was more than a month old, but while scrolling down, I saw “Apps Can Teach You Anything: Yes, a Masturbation App,” and I was like, who really needs to learn that?
This has been one of my pet peeves for at least 15 years: Why is it that every single issue of Cosmo has a “how to masturbate” article or a “how to have better orgasms” article or some variation thereof? And why are these magazines in racks at the supermarket checkout line, so that the minute your kids learn to read, they’re confronted with cover-blurb headlines like “Super Sex Secrets to Drive Him Wild”?
Beyond the offensiveness of having this lurid smutty stuff thrust into my daughter’s face — to teach her the “empowering” lesson that the most important thing in life is driving men wild in bed — is the absurd redundancy of it. Stipulate the hypothetical that there are women:
A. Too stupid to figure this out without expert advice;
B. Sufficiently literate to read a magazine article.
Even with those stipulations, do they need to read endless reiterations of the same basic “lesson” — and face it, Cosmo has been recycling the same Drive-Him-Wild sex article since 1973 — every single month?
You don’t have to be a prude to be offended by these monthly magazine sex sermons. You just need the critical thinking capacity to realize that nobody really needs this kind of advice. Human beings were having sex successfully a long time before we had magazine articles by “experts” telling us we weren’t doing it right. (By the way, most sex-advice articles are actually written by underpaid 20-something recent college graduates breaking into the magazine business, who are mainly “experts” at eating Ramen noodles and shopping at thrift stores.)
The whole “Drive Him Wild” approach to the subject is wrongheaded, suggesting that happiness is a matter of technique. Here’s the best advice you’ll ever get, ladies: If you’re not happy with your sex life, you’re not going to find the answer in Cosmo.
Anybody can learn mere technique without benefit of magazine articles, simply by imagination and trial-and-error.
“Does that feel good?”
“Yeah, but maybe try it a little faster.”
“Oh. Oh. Ohhhhhh …”
Seriously, if you don’t know how to have sex without reading Cosmo, you don’t have a sex problem, you have a stupidity problem.
And while we’re at it: Why are taxpayers spending millions of dollars to have Professional Sex Educators teach this stuff, if everything kids need to know about sex is in Cosmo magazine every month?
Also, now that we have the Internet, can’t kids just look up whatever they need to know about sex with a Google search? According to some sources I’ve talked to, you can even find videos and pictures of that kind of stuff on the Internet. (Thanks, Al Gore!)
We have all these “experts” and “activists” and “educators” who want to teach us (and our kids) about sex, because we are apparently so stupid we can’t figure it out without their assistance. And just in case you didn’t click that link already: CREEPY PINK CARTOON VAGINA.
Because you need a cartoon teaching you how to diddle yourself.