The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Top Ten Reasons David Letterman’s Ratings Suck on the Forest Moon of Endor

Posted on | August 8, 2010 | 35 Comments

“Broken-Down Old Man Perving on Zooey Deschanel” really seems to bother Ace of Spades

The thing is, before the sexual harassment stuff made headlines, I’d always thought of Letterman’s hubba-hubba routine with female guests (e.g., famously, Drew Barrymore) as a sort of ironic sarcasm thing. But the geezerly nudge-wink ceased to be funny after we discoverd that Letterman’s been shagging the office help since . . . well, forever.

What bugs me about Letterman is therefore, apparently, something different than what bugs Ace. Circumspection and subtlety have never been part of my shtick but — as Ace often says, when threatening to bring out the ban-hammer — there’s a line, and I know where it is.

Or at least I like to think I know where the line is.

When reckless irresponsibility is part of your shtick, sometimes you cross the line without intending to cross the line and offend people you didn’t mean to offend. But I certainly understand that the whole Rule 5 hubba-hubba “National Offend a Feminist Week” routine would not work — neither as humor nor as a running critique of political correctness — if I were actually a philandering womanizer.

My frequent references to Mrs. Other McCain (“she’s got a kitchen full of knives and I’ve got to sleep sometime“) are a humorous allusion to a serious reality. When I flew back from Vegas a couple weeks ago, after having been a wee bit reckless at the roulette wheel, Mrs. Other McCain was so mad at me she wouldn’t even pick me up at the airport. She was so mad, in fact, she honestly didn’t care whether I came home or not. It was one of the most awful feelings of my life.

Remember, she met me when I was making $275 a week as the sports editor of a twice-weekly paper in a Georgia carpet-mill town you never heard of. She only married me because I promised her the sun, the moon and the stars, and I’d have never amounted to anything had it not been for (a) my determination to fulfill that promise and (b) having a sensible wife who supplies the necessary caution to balance my wild-eyed impulsiveness. When I was scrambling to find a way home from the airport a couple of weeks ago, I wasn’t just feeling heartbroken over the possible loss of her superfine sexiness, but also facing a potentially shattering blow to my entire self-concept.

Another pathetic middle-aged divorced guy? Not me.

No sir: One life, one wife.

A major reason guys become that pathetic middle-aged divorced stereotype is because, to quote the immortal poetry of Kitty Wells, “too many times, married men think they’re still single.”

Or as is more often the case, they convey that impression by employing a timeworn lie: “My wife doesn’t understand me.”

Girls, if a married guy ever throws that line on you, run — don’t walk — in the opposite direction. Preferably, after you’ve thrown a drink in the guy’s face.

My running joke is that I can resist anything except temptation, and one way to avoid temptation is by making clear to any woman who might appear interested in me that (a) I’m a happily married father of six, and (b) Mrs. Other McCain understands me completely, which makes it all the more miraculous that she didn’t dump me years ago.

All of that is by way of explaining my grievance against David Letterman: His habitual womanizing requires me to issue this disclaimer that my hubba-hubba jokes are merely jokes. And if you have to explain a joke, it kind of spoils the funny.

Well, this brings me back around to Ace of Spades.

Ace is not married, so why is he so creeped out by Letterman perving on Zooey what’s-her-name? Probably because of those old stereotypes about Ewoks and “intergenerational romance.”


35 Responses to “Top Ten Reasons David Letterman’s Ratings Suck on the Forest Moon of Endor”

  1. Kojocaro
    August 8th, 2010 @ 5:47 pm

    🙄 david letterman deserves to have his ass kicked 🙄

  2. Steven
    August 8th, 2010 @ 6:33 pm

    She said “Socialist dictatorship” like it’s a BAD thing. Weird. Is she really a movie star?

  3. Cindy
    August 8th, 2010 @ 7:10 pm

    I have had so many guys tell me their wives don’t understand them. My standard reply is “Oh, I think she understands you perfectly” Idiots. So subtle.

    One of the reasons I hang on reading this here blog (and a few other men who should have lost me a long time ago over things like, oh, Rule 5 Sunday) is the respect you show your wife. Most men don’t do that in private OR public. I admire that. I expect she’s earned it.

  4. just a conservative girl
    August 8th, 2010 @ 7:32 pm

    I am sorry but the only things I saw in that clip is how odd that woman is. But, I like it that you respect your wife and your marriage. Good for you, we need more in the world to do the same.

  5. Robert Stacy McCain
    August 8th, 2010 @ 7:54 pm

    One of the reasons I hang on reading this here blog . . . is the respect you show your wife. . . . I admire that.

    “Chicks dig it” being a sufficient reason to do anything. 😉

    The thing is, I remember when I was a young man in the ’70s and ’80s, laughing at these older dudes having their cliched “mid-life crises” — sports car, health-club membership, absurdly stylish wardrobe, young girlfriends — and thinking to myself: “I don’t ever want to be an idiot like that.”

    Keeping that memory in mind is helpful, so that my own “mid-life crisis” mainly involves shooting insane fireworks shows, driving 110 mph whenever possible and, of course, this madcap scheme to take over the Entire Freaking Blogosphere.

  6. jefferson101
    August 8th, 2010 @ 8:18 pm

    I don’t know about Ace getting wound up about it, but I suspect that Chaz over at Dustbury may be considering taking a contract out on Letterman.

    He seems to have a fairly soft spot for Ms. Zooey (In a platonic way, I’m sure, but nonetheless….)


  7. CGHill
    August 8th, 2010 @ 8:43 pm

    Naw. Dave’s perved on the youngsters since Larry “Bud” Melman was a pup. I wouldn’t expect anything else of him.

    And it’s not a soft spot, exactly.

  8. jefferson101
    August 8th, 2010 @ 9:24 pm

    You said it, Sir. I didn’t.

    Of course, you don’t have a wife to answer to, unlike Stacy or myself. Stacy comments about a kitchen full of knives, but around here it’s worse than that. There are several firearms about, and she probably wouldn’t wait until I was asleep.

    Completely apart from that one, after 37 years and change, I’m fairly well domesticated. On top of that, I’ve got kids older than Zooey.

    But I digress. Suffice to say that I would not impute impure motives based on a Gentlemans’ aesthetic appreciation of the female form, and I’ll leave it at that.

  9. narciso
    August 8th, 2010 @ 9:45 pm

    Ditto ever since Hitchiker’s Guide, although she looks odd as a blonde

  10. Joe
    August 8th, 2010 @ 9:52 pm

    I like Ms. Deschannel. I think she is funny and talented (although definitely quirky). I agree with the socialistic comment, refreshing to hear that from someone.

    Where exactly did Dave perv out (I admit I did not watch the whole clip)? It did look like he was staring a bit lower than her eyes at the beginning, was that it?

  11. gahrie
    August 8th, 2010 @ 10:32 pm

    1) Wouldn’t be funny if Katy Perry went blonde and short now so they looked alike again?

    2)For those not in the know, Zooey’s sister is the hottie in Bones.

  12. CGHill
    August 8th, 2010 @ 10:39 pm

    I avoid taking anything I say too seriously. It’s best in the long run.

    (I have two children, one older than Zooey, one younger.)

    And yes, Katy Perry should definitely go blonde and confuse us all once more.

  13. Joe
    August 8th, 2010 @ 11:21 pm

    Dave just seems his general perv self. He probably doesn’t even see himself as being pervy. But he is.

  14. Estragon
    August 9th, 2010 @ 12:27 am

    Actually I think Letterman’s ratings suck because he hasn’t been funny in years. Then he compounded the problem by further disregarding the advice of his mentor, the King, and taking a political side – even though it seemed very popular at the time, Carson knew the importance for a late-night comic to maintain balance in lampooning everyone.

    The fact that it has turned out he is as poor an excuse for a human being as he is for a comic late-night host is probably irrelevant to his ratings decline. Most of those who would have cared had already tuned him out.

    I will not allow the gap-toothed moron to appear on my television screen. Only Obama shares this distinction, and even he gets the exception for short clips on the news.

  15. richard mcenroe
    August 9th, 2010 @ 10:15 am

    I’m thinking hot new sitcom with David Letterman and Levi Johnston as his lovable but wacky son, where they keep hitting on the same chicks in bars.

    Call it One and a Half Men.

  16. BlogDog
    August 9th, 2010 @ 11:17 am

    I’ve generally found Ms. D to be exceedingly cute and she has a wonderful singing voice but I’ve never her twitchier than in that vid. It’s rather off-putting.

  17. Mikey NTH
    August 9th, 2010 @ 1:07 pm

    If you must have a midlife crisis, take out the gym membership. It’s cheaper overall and you don’t have any real evidence of your patheticness for your friends to see.

  18. » Creepy Old Guy mode
    August 10th, 2010 @ 7:52 am

    […] Stacy McCain has the video of David Letterman’s apparent first encounter with Zooey Deschanel, and regarding Dave’s tendency to perv on the female guests, he remarks: The thing is, before the sexual harassment stuff made headlines, I’d always thought of Letterman’s hubba-hubba routine with female guests (e.g., famously, Drew Barrymore) as a sort of ironic sarcasm thing. But the geezerly nudge-wink ceased to be funny after we discoverd that Letterman’s been shagging the office help since … well, forever. […]