The Other McCain

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Super Bowl XLVII: Ravens Win 34-31 as Satan Honors Contract With Ray Lewis

Posted on | February 3, 2013 | 43 Comments

The Baltimore Ravens defeated San Francisco 34-31 Sunday in Super Bowl XLVII, offering further proof that the contract under which Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis sold his soul to Satan remains in effect.

Baltimore got three touchdown passes by Joe Flacco, capitalized on key mistakes by the 49ers and leaned heavily on satanic assistance to stave off a strong second-half rally by San Francisco.

With the aid of Mephistopheles, Jacoby Jones ran back the opening kickoff of the second half for a Baltimore touchdown, and demonic powers enabled Justin Tucker to kick two fourth-quarter field goals for the Ravens.

“The Devil really came through for us,” Lewis told reporters in a postgame press conference. “I’ve got to admit, I was worried for a while, after Kaepernick scored that touchdown and cut the lead to 31-29. But my Infernal Lord and Master lived up to his end of the bargain, and now that I’ve got a Super Bowl ring, it’s not like I’ll be spending eternity in ceaseless torment for nothing.”


UPDATE 8:45 p.m. ET: Baltimore’s Jacoby Jones returned the second-half kickoff for a touchdown, making it Ravens 28, Niners 6.

UPDATE 8:30 p.m. ET: Halftime show review:

UPDATE 7:55 p.m. ET: My prediction of a 49ers victory is currently looking almost as a bad as a Ray Lewis murder victim.

San Francisco QB Colin Kaepernick has been stinking up the Superdome worse than a mob of hurricane refugees, and Ravens QB Joe Flacco has thrown for 187 yards and three TDs. Be sure to shop our Amazon links for all your Ray Lewis souvenir needs.



* * PREVIOUSLY (5:59 p.m. ET) * *

HEADLINE: Forty-Niners Win Super Bowl XLVII

Is that a prediction? No, it is a statement of fact: Baltimore is cursed, a stinking cesspool of a city with an abomination of a football team, the only NFL franchise so wretched that, by somehow making it to the Super Bowl, could possibly make me cheer for San Francisco.

Name any franchise in the league — even the despicable Redskins or the loathsome Saints — and I hate them less than I hate the Ravens.

At least Joe Montana once played for the ‘Niners. And I know you’ll say that Sodom by the Bay is a liberal hellhole crammed full of degenerate commies, but need I remind you that Nancy Pelosi is originally from Baltimore? Cosmic justice requires that the Ravens lose.

“Kickoff is scheduled for 6:29pm Eastern Time,” according to Fox News, but a White House spokesman immediately denounced this as “another right-wing lie.” Meanwhile, National Review has a round-up of Super Bowl predictions, including an admission by Steelers fan Rick Santorum that he’ll be cheering for the arch-rival Ravens.

Rick, you’re wrong. Let hate be your guide: If you hate the Ravens — as every patriotic American should — then you have to cheer for the Niners.

Speaking of difficult decisions, Dana Pico wonders whether we really want Sandra Fluke to forego contraception and thereby risk the possibility that she might reproduce. The answer: Yes.

Occasionally, motherhood cures liberal feminism. It may be that Sandra Fluke is too far gone down the slippery slope of progressive lunacy, but if there is any hope for her at all for her, it would probably involve an acquaintance with the responsibilities of parenthood. Alternatively — and more likely — she’ll end up as an embittered divorcee, focusing her rage (and the punitive force of child-support demands) on whatever unfortunate soul should draw the short straw and become her future ex-husband. So then she will no longer have the time to inflict her idiotic opinions on the nation at large, but will instead obsessively seek retribution against that one pitiful fool.



43 Responses to “Super Bowl XLVII: Ravens Win 34-31 as Satan Honors Contract With Ray Lewis”

  1. Bob Belvedere
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 6:05 pm

    Alternatively — and more likely — she’ll end up as an embittered divorcee… Who says she’ll even bother to get married if she decides to have a kid? Is David Crosby still alive?

  2. Bob Belvedere
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 6:05 pm

    Most hated team [and rightly so] in the NFL: The New England Patriots.

  3. McGehee
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 6:14 pm

    I grew up in Sacramento so the 49ers were my regional home team during the Montana and Young eras. When the team turned into football’s version of Michael Dukakis I forgot about them, and in recent years I’ve been focused on college football instead.

    But when I learned that the Niners’ opponents for the NFC championship was the long-hated Atlanta Falcons (currently my regional home team, doesn’t matter; I’ve hated them since the Montana years), I rediscovered pro football just to root for them in that game.

    I’ll watch tonight, and I’ll root for the Niners again, but if they finally do achieve the unprecedented (for them) occasion of losing a Super Bowl game, I’ll only mope and sniffle for a week or two. Not like the month-long crying jag I went on after Mississippi State lost to Alabama last fall.

  4. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 6:24 pm

    What’s on TV today? A Walking Dead Marathon and Downton Abbey! Booyah!

    Is there anything else happening?

  5. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 6:25 pm

    I love seeing Brady made to cry. Does that make me a bad person?

    And if you like Tony Romo, then you are a Romosexual.

  6. Mike G.
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 6:38 pm

    I absolutely hate Dallas. Every time I’ve bet against Dallas, I’ve won. And I also like to Brady cry.

  7. DaveO
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 7:17 pm

    It’s okay Evi and Mike G. The Lord forgives sin. Next year the Cowboys will provide your redemption.

  8. Wombat_socho
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 7:37 pm

    Twelve days until pitchers and catchers report.

  9. DonaldDouglas
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 8:10 pm

    Kaepernick is a comeback kid, so no worries…

  10. Bob Belvedere
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 8:14 pm

    I’ll be enjoying Downton.

  11. DonaldDouglas
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 8:52 pm

    Well, maybe worry!!

  12. M. Thompson
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 9:22 pm

    Twenty days until the first Spring Training games.

  13. Dana
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 9:37 pm

    I’m still rooting for the Oakland Raiders!

  14. Dana
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 9:41 pm

    Our esteemed host wrote:

    whatever unfortunate soul should draw the short straw and become her future ex-husband.

    Good heavens, Mr McCain, whatever would make you think tat she’d do something really radical like actually get married, just because she might one day feel the urge to spawn?

  15. Dana
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 9:47 pm

    And you can’t mention the Battle of New Orleans without linking this song.

  16. Becca Lower
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 9:53 pm


  17. McGehee
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 10:50 pm


  18. McGehee
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 10:50 pm


  19. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 10:53 pm

    The Ravens never trailed and then they won. And they have a few criminals. Sort of like Obama.

  20. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 11:06 pm

    How about this song? I thought about it during that Babylandia Superbowl ad. He picked the wrong team to win, but that Stacy McCain is such a prophet sometimes…

  21. t-dahlgren
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 11:15 pm

    Never been a Forty Niners fan, while my opinion of Baltimore is tainted by my having actually been to the ‘city.’ It’s like Buffalo without the benefit of lake effect blizzards.

    That said, it would appear that the NFL’s officiating crew was applying the Clinton Doctrine – one free grope – to end zone pass plays involving SF receivers.

  22. Richard Seufert
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 11:55 pm

    Nope – Ravens win 🙂

  23. AnonymousDrivel
    February 3rd, 2013 @ 11:58 pm

    It’s a good thing the lights didn’t stay off longer. I was almost certain mass cannibalism was mere moments away.

  24. AnonymousDrivel
    February 4th, 2013 @ 12:01 am

    Unfortunately, both teams didn’t lose. It would’ve been the only way America could have won. Flacco, though, was really solid. He gave the puppies in Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl a run for their money.

  25. Rick Bulow
    February 4th, 2013 @ 12:33 am

    And I have 3 teams within a 20 mile radius of me in Fort Myers, Florida.

    Red Sox train at the new JetBlue Park

    Twins train at the Lee County Sports Complex

    Rays train at the Charlotte County Stadium

    I am mostly a Cubs fan, but these three teams are next on my list.

  26. Dave
    February 4th, 2013 @ 1:17 am

    Love ya Stacy, but glad you’ll have to eat this one. HA HA! RAVENS!

  27. Garym
    February 4th, 2013 @ 2:19 am

    This is the year the Reds break loose baby!!

  28. contructiveConservative
    February 4th, 2013 @ 4:04 am

    Wonder why people from Baltimore walk around like they have a chip on their shoulder….It’s almost like people rag on them all the time…Raven’s win….

  29. jsn2
    February 4th, 2013 @ 4:45 am

    **WARNING** OFF TOPIC – Question: Why do you not find an advertiser that sells guns and ammunition and who will pay you a commission for sales/referrals? The ad accompanying this post is for knives on Amazon. Knives are good, but guns and ammunition are better and extremely profitable these days. It’s the only segment of the economy Obama has managed to stimulate.

    P.S. Did something happen in New Orleans tonight?

  30. jsn2
    February 4th, 2013 @ 5:09 am

    I’m sure Crosby has tadpoles in a freezer somewhere so he can live on after he croaks.

  31. scarymatt
    February 4th, 2013 @ 6:35 am

    I’m not saying the right team won, but the right team lost last night.

  32. Rich Vail
    February 4th, 2013 @ 7:11 am

    I’ve lived in the inner ‘burb of Pikesville, MD for the past 9 years. Having spent several years traveling into and working in the city of Baltimore, I have to asgree with your assessment of the city itself. It’s a horrid, corrupt place where the city’s political leadership has set out and successfully destroyed the economy. They stifle any sort of businesses that don’t pay to play. If the city were to be flushed down the toilet, America would be a better place.

  33. Wombat_socho
    February 4th, 2013 @ 7:12 am

    I am generally disinterested in football, but I enjoy seeing the Cowboys lose. It’s growing up in Washington what does it, I’m sure. 🙂

  34. Rich Vail
    February 4th, 2013 @ 7:13 am

    I stopped watching the NFL in the early ’80’s when they went on strike the 1st time. At the time, and now, I thought that professional athletes were over paid. I can count on 1 hand the number of NFL games I have watched on purpose. I too only watch College football.

  35. Bob Belvedere
    February 4th, 2013 @ 7:45 am

    Perhaps we should invite the British back to the harbor to do their thing.

  36. smitty
    February 4th, 2013 @ 7:54 am

    I really burned out on the NFL during the Reagan Administration, and its transformation into a 22-man WWWF hoedown continues apace.

  37. Mike G.
    February 4th, 2013 @ 10:10 am

    For the Cowboys to win again, they need a new owner.

  38. Andrew Patrick
    February 4th, 2013 @ 11:52 am

    I was waiting for Bane, myself.

  39. Andrew Patrick
    February 4th, 2013 @ 11:57 am

    While I respect your contrarian distaste for both of our home teams (I detest the Redskins, too), and your lucid and judicious assessment of the civic affairs of the City of Baltimore, I must demurr. The Ravens won it fair and square.

  40. Andrew Patrick
    February 4th, 2013 @ 11:59 am

    Nothing about NFL officiating makes a lick of sense. If one lays a finger on the dainty toe of a kicker in the process of attempting to block a kick, that’s apparently roughing. The South Park “Sarcastiball” episode was never more apt.

  41. LIVE AT FIVE: 02.04.13 : The Other McCain
    February 4th, 2013 @ 2:15 pm

    […] Jones after the Ravens run score up to 21-6 at halftimeRavens defense comes through in 34-31 win, Stacy McCain hardest hit #BlackoutBowl generates social Media moment for jokesters, advertisers Lights out, time out in the […]

  42. What On Earth Is Worse Than San Francisco In the SoCon Mind? | Daily Pundit
    February 4th, 2013 @ 6:30 pm

    […] Super Bowl XLVII: Ravens Win 34-31 as Satan Honors Contract With Ray Lewis : The Other McCain The Baltimore Ravens defeated San Francisco 34-31 Sunday in Super Bowl XLVII, offering further proof that the contract under which Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis sold his soul to Satan remains in effect. […]

  43. GordanShumway
    February 5th, 2013 @ 1:46 pm

    I’ve never been to Baltimore personally, but have been a fan
    of the team ever since I saw The Wire. If ever a struggling underdog of a city
    needed a boost, it’s Baltimore, and that boost was this Super Bowl. I work at DISH and had a bunch of
    coworkers over for a huge bash Sunday, for the big game, and had a blast. It’s
    so awesome Ray was able to go out on top! The best part is that with my DISH Hopper, I was not only able to
    record the Raven’s entire championship season, but I was able to keep the
    entire thing on my DVR, too! Since the Hopper has such an enormous amount of
    space, there are no worries about running out of room for the other shows we
    record, and I can re-live the glory any time I like!