The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Perhaps Everyone in America Wants to Read About @ScottMuska’s Erection

Posted on | September 23, 2013 | 111 Comments

Scott Muska’s Twitter profile describes him as “Copywriter // Journalist // Lefty // Unselfish Lover,” and he elsewhere reveals that he is a 2010 graduate of Penn State University.

Do you want to read about Scott Muska’s erection? Because Scott Muska wants you to know he had one:

Dear Woman Who Was Sitting Next to Me
on The Plane When I Developed An Erection

That’s the headline at a site which seems to be share Scott Muska’s belief that this is “funny stuff.” Your mileage may vary:

In the interest of honesty and transparency, I acknowledge that your aesthetics probably factored into the whole erection thing. Because, well, you’re pretty.
Anyway, I first noticed you in Pittsburgh International, while we were sitting in the terminal waiting to board the flight. . . .
I momentarily lost my composure when I saw you — probably due your wardrobe choice of Lululemmon yoga pants that went very nicely with your butt, which looked like two crescent moons facing opposite each other?. . .

(Oh, you charming rogue.)

I boarded the plane and upon realizing I was assigned the seat next to you (what a treat!), I also noticed you were carrying a Kindle (women who read are hot) and that you smelled vaguely of suntan lotion (which always makes me think of kissing the first girl I ever loved at the public pool one summer day, something I won’t say is hot, really, because it’s weird to think back on making out with a 14-year-old, but yeah — that scent does it for me for whatever reason). . . .

(An earlier generation paid psychiatrists to listen to such things. Nowadays, these weirdos just spew it out on the Internet.)

I woke up when the flight attendant announced we had begun our descent. You woke up shortly after, rubbed your eyes, and glanced around. I was attempting to lock eyes with you as you surveyed your surroundings, thinking it might lead to a brief conversation about how crazy it was that we’d both conked out during the flight, and whether you also live in New York, and if so, would you like to eat street meat with me sometime?
But instead your eyes locked on my crotch. I gasped. (It should be noted that this was the first time a woman had spied my junk and I’ve gasped a negative gasp. I think.) Your sleepy expression turned into one that seemed like unpleasant surprise and thinly veiled anger. It was like you had never seen a pitched tent before.
It’s also possible that you were angry re: the lack of length. If so, I assure you that I make up for it in girth. . . .

(Dude, you just published that on the Internet, where everybody in the world can read about your stubby chubby, not to mention your erotic associations involving suntan lotion and 14-year-old girls.)

In hindsight, I probably should not have been traveling in basketball shorts.

(In hindsight, you should seek counseling.)

Eventually, you made eye contact, not really making an effort (or a successful one, anyway) to hide your revulsion. I blushed, shrugged, opened my notebook, and began drafting this letter to you.
Look: these things happen. I get random boners all the time. Especially when I’m in the proximity of a good-looking woman. It’s natural. And most of the time, I have zero control over when and how often boners happen. I’m virile, and for that I will not apologize.

So there you have it: Scott Muska gets “random boners all the time” whenever he is “in the proximity of a good-looking woman,” which we must assume is rather a rare experience for Scott Muska, perhaps in part because of his “lack of length,” but also because Scott Muska is the kind of creep who wears basketball shorts on airplanes and gets erections while fantasizing about 14-year-olds who smell like suntan lotion.

And for that, Scott Muska “will not apologize.”

Did we mention Scott Muska is a “Lefty” and an “Unselfish Lover”? Because that’s what Scott Muska says on his Twitter profile.

 

Category: Sex

Comments

111 Responses to “Perhaps Everyone in America Wants to Read About @ScottMuska’s Erection”

  1. MrEvilMatt
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 7:12 am

    Perhaps Everyone in America Wants to Read About @ScottMuska’s Erection: Scott Muska’s Twitter profile describe… http://t.co/1YJZV1kUw5

  2. Lockestep1776
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 7:12 am

    Perhaps Everyone in America Wants to Read About @ScottMuska’s Erection: Scott Muska’s Twitter profile describe… http://t.co/F11NmT6Um2

  3. Citzcom
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 7:12 am

    Perhaps Everyone in America Wants to Read About @ScottMuska’s Erection: Scott Muska’s Twitter profile describe… http://t.co/T1WXVhAVWG

  4. jwbrown1969
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 7:12 am

    Perhaps Everyone in America Wants to Read About @ScottMuska’s Erection: Scott Muska’s Twitter profile describe… http://t.co/wnecrUg8lA

  5. Matthew W
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 7:36 am

    Oh geez Stacy !!!
    This parody piece you wrote must have taken months to write.
    Outstanding !!

    What???
    It’s real??

    What’s wrong with that guy?

  6. WarEagle82
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 7:42 am

    I bet nobody sits next to this creep twice.

    Wondering if this pervert is the next Penn State sex scandal.

  7. darthlevin
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 7:54 am

    No, you see, writing comedy stories about inappropriate sexual behavior is “edgy” and “what the best comedy story tellers do”.

    I bet he’s had two comedy stories published in Reader’s Digest. At least.

  8. BobBelvedere
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 7:57 am

    Need a good laugh to start off your Monday Morn?… @rsmccain provides it: http://t.co/IyUQP5H1be WARNING: Don’t drink coffee while reading

  9. Bob Belvedere
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 8:03 am

    Thanks for the laugh on a Monday Morning, Stacy.

    WARNING: Don’t be drinking coffee whilst reading this post.

  10. Matthew W
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 8:07 am

    And how many in Penthouse?

  11. Kirby McCain
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 8:08 am

    This could al be attributed to govermint schools.
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2419959/Summer-Michelle-Hansen-teacher-charged-having-sex-multiple-underage-boys.html

  12. JeffS
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 8:27 am

    The only person in America who cares about Muska’s erection Is Muska himself. And that’s only because he’s a self-made man.

  13. rmnixondeceased
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 8:32 am

    Several dozen, all under female nom de plumes …

  14. rmnixondeceased
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 8:33 am

    As the TV commercial says: “Don’t be that guy ‘

  15. Matthew W
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 9:01 am

    Nah, creepy pervert Democrats are a dime a dozen

  16. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 9:07 am

    Look on the bright side, he is a Penn State grad and got an erection over a woman.

  17. Fireflysghost
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 9:22 am

    @smitty_one_each @scottmuska
    Ha Ha do you twisted Puritans and TwitchyMonks troll the ether for #ProgressivePenisStories…?!!;))¥

  18. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 9:27 am

    He is lucky she did not ring the buzzer for the Air Marshall. But apparently the threat was too small for that level of concern (just plain disgust was sufficient).

  19. Alan Markus
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 9:42 am

    Reminds me of George Costanza on Seinfeld:

    I was in the pool! I was in the pool!”

  20. Alan Markus
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 9:43 am

    I was in the pool! I was in the pool!”

  21. Bob Belvedere
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 9:55 am

    Dear Penthouse,

    I never would have believed this would have happened to me – a single, very very independent feminist lesbian – but, while on an airplane recently, I sat next to this guy…

    …Now we can’t get enough of each other and I’m moving in with him this week.

    Yours,
    Converted In Coach

  22. Bob Belvedere
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 9:57 am

    I’m so surprised this gal didn’t react by making out with this guy with the Muska smell.

  23. Garym
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 10:10 am

    No coffee reading this, thank god.

  24. Garym
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 10:11 am

    Ouch!

  25. Wombat_socho
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 10:21 am

    You say he takes matters into his own hand?

  26. Charles
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 10:23 am

    “Have boner, will travel,” reads the card of a man.

  27. Fareedi al Laayla al Qakhaul
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 10:24 am

    This randy lad should consider himself fortunate he was not clubbed like a baby harp seal for his offensively heteronormative display of tumescent patriarchal phallocentric oppression! He virtually raped this cis-gendered female person! Of course, now that he has publicly documented his crimes, he should be harshly criticised, sternly rebuked, and bitterly denounced…

    But, I suppose we shall have to content ourselves with only a satirical mocking.

    Me, I just mourn the demise of serious professional journalism…

  28. Moira1987
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 10:33 am

    A teachable moment for a TMI hipster d-bag –> Perhaps Everyone in America Wants to Read About @ScottMuska’s Erection http://t.co/Zw7tyfpRuD

  29. richard mcenroe
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 10:41 am

    He’s a lefty from Brooklyn who went to Penn State. Even without this article you have to realize he’s basically unemployable except in child care…

  30. richard mcenroe
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 10:42 am

    Illustrations by George Trosley.

  31. richard mcenroe
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 10:43 am

    It passed the TSA two-and-a-half inch pocketknife rule, didn’t it?

  32. richard mcenroe
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 10:45 am

    This IS serious American journalism. Thanks to RSM, you just read about an authentic American voter. Much about this nation now becomes clear.
    — Jamil al-Taqqiyah, correspondent, NBC, CNN, BBC, al-Jazeera, Three Beers Later

  33. Matthew W
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 10:45 am

    Not with my kid !!!

  34. richard mcenroe
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 10:45 am

    Doesn’t he remind you of Corporal Hudson?

  35. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:08 am

    Here is a new avatar for Muska…

  36. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:10 am

    Muska gets a funny feeling down there when he watches this scene…

  37. JeffS
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:12 am

    I expect that Muska and Anthony Weiner would get along famously.

  38. JeffS
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:13 am

    You sound like a feminist college professor. Are you sure you aren’t a sock puppet for Amanda Marcotte?

  39. rmnixondeceased
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:13 am

    Too big a tent …

  40. rmnixondeceased
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:15 am

    Heh. Is his broad mockery of academia not apparent?

  41. Fareedi al Laayla al Qakhaul
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:27 am

    Perhaps I should do well to go back to bed and start over, eh?

  42. Fareedi al Laayla al Qakhaul
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:30 am

    Oh, btw, I denounce myself!

  43. rmnixondeceased
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:36 am

    Heh. Mockery, sarcasm and overall taunting being my stock-in-trade, I easily recognize a fellow practitioner …

  44. Fareedi al Laayla al Qakhaul
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:36 am

    That’s kinda what I was going for…

  45. Fareedi al Laayla al Qakhaul
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:37 am

    It’s refreshing to see that not everyone is a grumpy-wumpy this fine morning!

  46. rsmccain
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:38 am

    Perhaps Everyone in America Wants to Read About @ScottMuska’s Erection http://t.co/IvDxcE2qDu

  47. Fareedi al Laayla al Qakhaul
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:45 am

    “Whilst”… heheheh

  48. darthlevin
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:46 am

    I think he’d rather be Corporal Punishment /Groucho

    ba-DUM ksssssshhhhh

  49. AmPowerBlog
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:48 am

    RT @rsmccain: Perhaps Everyone in America Wants to Read About @ScottMuska’s Erection http://t.co/IvDxcE2qDu

  50. rmnixondeceased
    September 23rd, 2013 @ 11:49 am

    It’s the coffee I.V. that does it …