The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

The Failed Heterosexual

Posted on | June 24, 2016 | 48 Comments


That word came to mind today while I was reading a woman’s account of how, at age 30, she suddenly decided she’s a lesbian.

Before quoting any of her story, let me say that there is a phrase popularized by the pickup artist (PUA) community,”hit the wall.” This term describes the point in a single woman’s life when awareness of her declining sexual market value (SMV) causes her to realize that “riding the carousel” (casual sex and/or short-term relationships) is likely to yield diminishing returns, and she panics about her lack of marriage prospects:

When a woman asks “where have all the good men gone?”, she has hit the Wall.

Thus saith the manosphere.

Now, feminists can whine about “misogyny” and “double standards” all they want, but what they can’t do is change human nature. Nor can the PUAs, despite all their strategizing to beat the odds, because science!

Sex is about reproductive biology. Human beings are mammals, and any eighth-grader can figure out what that means in terms of sex.
Once you understand this scientific definition of sex, everything else is just details. Young people have to figure out how to attract potential partners, how to choose a good partner from among the prospective candidates, and how to negotiate a relationship that will lead toward lifelong monogamous pair-bonding — i.e., a successful marriage — because this is the ideal situation in which to raise children.

Being a Christian, I’m a “be fruitful and multiply” kind of guy. If it were up to me to tell people what to do — and if people would actually do what I told them to do — the typical 30-year-old woman would be married with three kids. However, people don’t pay me for advice and I’ve learned it’s a waste of time to give away good advice for free, so I’ll just point out that atheists are losing at their own game. If Darwinism is about survival of the fittest, where are all these big happy atheist families, huh? Why is it that Bible-thumping hillbillies (not to mention Islamic fundamentalists) produce so many more babies than secular humanists who mock the idea of a divine Creator? If a belief in evolution was so much more powerful than a belief in God, wouldn’t you expect adherents of Darwinism to have far more reproductive success than Christians? But the opposite is true.

This brings us to the 30-year-old woman whose response to “hitting the wall” seems to have been to decide she’s a lesbian. Her backstory:

I’ve always dated boys. Lots of them. At least, lots of first dates. A handful lasted a few months, but rarely, if ever, would they amount to lasting relationships.


As I say, people don’t pay me for advice, but if a woman has had “lots of first dates,” but her relationships never last more than “a few months,” I would advise that she hit the panic button long before she nears 30. We understand that not everyone marries their high-school sweetheart, but if you reach age 21 and have never dated anyone longer than “a few months,” you may be headed toward the Darwinian dead end.


The “check engine” light is flashing on your dashboard, OK? Most people start dating in high school and, somewhere between age 16 and 19, form their first “serious” relationship. Maybe this adolescent romance doesn’t become Endless Love — cue the Diana Ross-Lionel Richie duet — but if you’re 21 and have never had a relationship that lasted at least a year, you have a problem, and that problem is you. The most common cause of this particular problem is failure to accurately assess your own attractiveness.

This is a typical problem for loser guys, the kind of dude who is below average, but doesn’t realize it. He’s seen too many Seth Rogen movies, in which Seth Rogen ends up with a hot chick, despite being Seth Rogen.

Hollywood is always making movies where the hapless schlub somehow manages to win the heart of a chick who’s way out of his league. The classic of this genre was When Harry Met Sally — a truly great comedy, but let’s be brutally honest: Guys who look like Billy Crystal do not end up with women who look like Meg Ryan, at least not often enough that you actually expect to see such a pairing in real life.

Women who look like Meg Ryan do not date mere mortals.

Nevertheless, clueless losers latch onto the foolish idea that they’ll hit the jackpot and woo a Meg Ryan lookalike and, as a result of this absurdly unrealistic delusion, guys get stuck permanently in Loserville.

Women sometimes make similar miscalculations, although for slightly different reasons. Every woman begins her dating career with one highly valuable commodity — youth. Whatever her other attributes may be, the 18-year-old girl always has the advantage of being 18. If she is even above-average in attractiveness (rating 6 on a scale of 10) the 18-year-old girl never has a shortage of dating opportunities, and if she rates as high as 8 or 9, guys are practically swarming her. It’s easy for any cute college girl to imagine her youthful popularity will last forever. Susan Patton’s famous 2013 letter to Princeton women — advising them to find a husband before they graduate — can be seen as a warning against this error.

Anyway, back to the 30-year-old lesbian:

I started to think something was wrong with me. Maybe I’m too picky?

(Yes, this is exactly your problem, but continue . . .)

Maybe I’m incapable of having a real long-term relationship? One where two people love each other unconditionally, want to spend all of their time together and are attracted to each other in every way possible (physically, emotionally, spiritually, sense of humor-ly, etc.).

(See? You expect too damned much. This Eternal Soulmate fantasy is as unrealistic as Seth Rogen scoring a hot chick, but continue . . .)

I knew I had a lot to offer someone, so what was the problem?
I was searching for the wrong person.
I come from a liberal family, have a great group of open-minded friends and I live in West Hollywood (one of the gay capitals of the world). So, why did it take me so long to figure out that the problem wasn’t that I was incapable of loving, or that I couldn’t find the right guy? . . .
When I turned 30 last June, I discovered that I wanted to be with a woman. Literally, on my birthday, I had a gay epiphany. . . . So many of my friends are gay, my sister is a lesbian, my uncle is gay, other members of my family are gay and it’s possible my dog is gay. I’ve always been surrounded by gay. It just never occurred to me that I might be gay, because gay just never felt right to me. . . .

OK, let’s pause here and ask ourselves: Does this story even make sense? At age 30, she “discovered” her lesbian self which she previously never suspected could exist while she was dating guys — lots of guys — and living in West Hollywood? Oh, her sister is a lesbian and her uncle is gay, but she had zero clue that homosexuality was an alternative? Maybe you’re buying that explanation, but my cynical hunch is that her 30th birthday “epiphany” was a result of her “hitting the wall,” recognizing that her SMV had declined to the point that her best days as a carousel-rider were gone. With no potential husbands on the horizon, she saw that she was doomed to a Crazy Cat Lady future and . . .

I fell in love with a woman, and I’m still in love with that woman. We are going to get married, have kids and do life together forever. I have no desire to be with a man, but I also have no desire to be with another woman. So, for me, it’s not about being gay or straight. It’s about being in love.

What. Ever.

Readers might have noticed I had not previously linked this column, because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise. The writer’s name is Jill Layton, and she’s a writer for a website called HelloGiggles “a positive online community for women.” And you can read the rest of that column if you want — or not, because that’s not the surprise.

Here you can see photos of Jill Layton’s 2015 wedding to Becky Hartman and, uh, guess which one’s Jill? (Hint: Not the cute one.)

This goes back to what I was saying about guys who end up in Loserville because they overrate their own attractiveness and imagine that they’ll meet a Meg Ryan lookalike, make a few clever jokes and — boom! — she will realize that he is The One She’s Been Dreaming Of. If any young man is indulging such fantasies, all I’ve got to say is, “What’s Plan B?”

Dreams are dreams, and real life is real life. Sure, there are ugly ducklings and late-bloomers and high-school losers who don’t hit their stride until a little later in life, but as a general rule, by the time a guy is 21, the best-looking girl he has ever dated is likely to be the best-looking girl he will ever date, period. That is to say, if a college senior expects the future to bring a major improvement in the general quality of his female companions, he’s apt to be disappointed. And if you have a problem getting or keeping a girlfriend, the problem is you.

Remember that Eternal Soulmate fantasy, where Jill Layton waxed poetic about a relationship “where two people love each other unconditionally, want to spend all of their time together and are attracted to each other in every way possible”? That’s the chick version of loser guys dreaming of a Meg Ryan lookalike. However intense the attraction between two people, however unconditional their love, real relationships require realistic expectations. It takes more than mere sentiment to hang in there during the hard times and, while people don’t pay me for advice, I would advise parents to warn their daughters against expecting real relationships to be the way romance is portrayed in novels, movies and TV shows.

Frankly, I’d bet $100 that Jill Layton’s lesbian marriage won’t last 10 years, and $20 says it doesn’t last five years. The recent gay-marriage boom will inevitably be followed by a gay-divorce boom, and the odds of a Layton-Hartman divorce are pretty good, because Jill Layton is difficult.

What do you think you would learn if you could survey all of Jill Layton’s ex-boyfriends? How do you think her relationships ended? Do you suppose any of her exes were brokenhearted, devastated by her departure? Or do you suppose they were glad to be rid of her? Do you think any of her ex-boyfriends would describe her as . . . difficult? Or some other synonym like selfish, demanding, erratic, irrational?

Men are called “sexist” when we point out that not all women are good women. Feminism is basically the belief that men are 100% to blame for everything wrong in the world because (a) all men are evil, and (b) all women are perfect. Therefore, no man can ever be permitted to express a negative opinion of any woman. Be that as it may, I know enough about women to recognize certain types, and Jill Layton is not a good type.

Heterosexuality is better off without her. She will not be missed.



48 Responses to “The Failed Heterosexual”

  1. concern00
    June 24th, 2016 @ 12:37 am

    We are going to get married, have acquire kids…

    They always forget basic biology.

  2. Steve Skubinna
    June 24th, 2016 @ 12:51 am

    I like the part about “having kids.”

    Like they’re accessories you pick up at the Kid Store or something. Good luck not having anything to do with men, sweetheart. Or are you going to keep a photo of the sperm donor to show the kids?

  3. robertstacymccain
    June 24th, 2016 @ 1:14 am

    Lesbian couples are often shocked to discover how expensive fertility treatment is, and how difficult it can be to get pregnant. This is another thing about age — any typical teenage couple having unprotected sex has a much higher likelihood of becoming pregnant than any 30-year-old couple. But people refuse to acknowledge nature, and so insurance rates skyrocket because companies are now MANDATED to provide “reproductive health” services.

  4. mole
    June 24th, 2016 @ 2:02 am

    “..Guys who look like Billy Crystal do not end up with women who look like Meg Ryan, at least not often enough that you actually expect to see such a pairing in real life…”

    Just to prove the odd unicorn does exist..
    Quite a few years ago when i was playing b grade football we had another player there with fairly bad facial/body scarring from an engine exploding near him and showering him with fuel.
    His wife was seriously hot, incredibly Jessica Rabbit redhead hot.
    She had been one of his nurses in hospital and fell for his wit and charm (he was a genuinely good bloke) through the bandages.

    Enough of the happiness though,
    “lots of first dates,”
    I wonder how often she put out on those first dates, or otherwise signaled her unsuitability as a long term prospect?

  5. dance...dancetotheradio
    June 24th, 2016 @ 2:02 am

    If you were to base your argument on the way Meg Ryan looks today you would lose.
    Now, if you were to base your argument on the way Elizabeth Shue looks today you win.

  6. mole
    June 24th, 2016 @ 2:05 am

    Here in Australia we (the taxpayers) fund not only lesbian couples but also single women in getting their accessories, sorry kids..
    “..Options for Single Women
    Fertility Treatment options for single women

    Have you always pictured yourself as a mum? Why wait? Increasingly more single women are choosing to start families on their own. Through access to donor sperm and assisted reproductive technology single women can fulfill their dream of having a baby.”…
    Dont be like Australia.. just dont.
    The website includes advice which pretty well is “doctor shop till you find one that signs the forms and the government will pay for you”..

  7. Hodor
    June 24th, 2016 @ 7:29 am

    as a general rule, by the time a guy is 21, the best-looking girl he has ever dated is likely to be the best-looking girl he will ever date, period.

    So true. As far as physical attractiveness goes, anyway.
    When it comes to personal beauty though, I found that the girl who’s not my “type” physically is actually the most beautiful girl ever. So I wifed that woman.

  8. CrustyB
    June 24th, 2016 @ 7:38 am

    This country spends 1/12 of the year worshipping 1/72 of the population for being weird sexual perverts. If I had been in a coma since the 70s, woke up today and were informed of what America had de-evolved into, I’d roll over, pull over the blankets and catch another 40 years of sack time.

  9. marcus tullius cicero
    June 24th, 2016 @ 8:13 am

    …Use that as an excuse for not wanting sex, better than “I have a headache”!

  10. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    June 24th, 2016 @ 8:48 am

    GayPatriot was noting that there are bunch of Lesbians now in Syria because all their men left to go rape school girls in Germany

  11. The Accidental Homosexual | Rotten Chestnuts
    June 24th, 2016 @ 9:13 am

    […] Stacy McCain really knocks this one out of the park. […]

  12. Durasim
    June 24th, 2016 @ 9:23 am

    “The recent gay-marriage boom will inevitably be followed by a gay-divorce boom”

    I think the only thing that slowed the “gay-divorce boom” was that states that refused to recognize “gay marriage” also refused to grant “gay divorce.” But no such impediment now.

    The two lesbians who led the charge in Massachusetts didn’t set any records for matrimonial longevity.

  13. Scoob
    June 24th, 2016 @ 9:46 am

    Actually, if she is the one of the left, Jill is attractive. Just must be a real pain in the . . .

  14. Steve Skubinna
    June 24th, 2016 @ 10:35 am

    Having a family is a right, even if you do hate the half of the human race that is required to have one.

  15. Steve Skubinna
    June 24th, 2016 @ 10:37 am

    And it seems that the German girls are reluctant to press charges for fear of being racist.

    Welcome to the post-modern world.

  16. Jeanette Victoria ?????????
    June 24th, 2016 @ 11:13 am

    I think the whole “hit the wall” is fiction I was dating in my 50’s and never had a problem. I was married a year after I began dating.

  17. Jim Christian
    June 24th, 2016 @ 11:13 am

    I definitely did better post-divorce after thirty and with women in their early twenties. I tore up my husband card, got a vasectomy and just dated forever more. Man, that period of 1992-2005 in the DC area, broads everywhere and a
    man with a motorcycle and money did ok back then. The broads in DC were
    all unleashing their inner Monica Lewinski back then. As I reached my forties, mostly of necessity, I suppose, I moved up to chicks late twenties to late thirties and so on. As a 59 year old, it’s chicks late-forties on up to early fifties. I haven’t met a chick over 51 or 52 that I’d want to tangle with, but the 49 year old Brazilian I’m with will do for now. Eventually, *I* will hit that wall, but age follows you up the ladder, whaddya gonna do?

    I just can’t advise men to marry anymore, not until the court system and customs change. A woman not haaaaapy should NOT be allowed to cash in on a no-fault. It’s bullshit, especially since it’s the women that nag-nag-nag to get married in the first place. After my first marriage, when a woman gets to the third mention of marriage, she gets the heave-hoe, so to speak. I won’t have it, don’t want it, you couldn’t sell it to me if you gave it to me for free. And then, it’s off to the next and the next and the next because the next is always right around the corner. It’s mercenary, but not so much I don’t sleep nights.

    Besides, the worst misogynist woman-haters I ever saw were WOMEN, not men. No one hates a woman more than other women, sometimes the women they THINK they’re close to. I have no guilt.

  18. Gospace
    June 24th, 2016 @ 11:23 am

    Generally true about ages. But not always. Met my wife when I was 22 and she was 20. In late January. Got married in August. 37 years now, 5 kids.

  19. Finrod Felagund
    June 24th, 2016 @ 11:24 am

    Enh, I didn’t have any relationships at all until I was 21 nearly 22, and my history so far: four months, ten years, seventeen years and counting. But then again, I know I’m the exception to most of the rules (I had my AB at 18 and my MS at 22, for example).

  20. kbiel
    June 24th, 2016 @ 12:06 pm

    Raylan Givens has some advice for anyone, man or woman, who can’t find Mr. or Mrs. Right:

  21. java
    June 24th, 2016 @ 12:15 pm

    I believe you can do the same in America and much of western Europe, with the possible exception of Italy, Ireland and maybe Greece. If the country allows in vitro fertilization you do not require a husband at all.

  22. Jim Christian
    June 24th, 2016 @ 12:36 pm

    The one on the right is sweating through 4 layers of clothing. What a piggy!

  23. Daniel Freeman
    June 24th, 2016 @ 1:03 pm

    Speaking of… well nothing specific to this post, but on the subject of Sex Trouble in general… have you seen Wendy McElroy’s latest book yet? It just came out in April and the reviews are great: “Rape Culture” Hysteria: Fixing the Damage Done to Men and Women

  24. java
    June 24th, 2016 @ 1:12 pm

    ” I’ll just point out that atheists are losing at their own game. If Darwinism is about survival of the fittest, where are all these big happy atheist families, huh?”
    sorry to spoil your theory but there is plenty of documentation that shows how from good conservative families a lot of leftwingers can be spawned. If your theory was correct we would not have the idiotic things we have today (gay marriage, abortion on demand etc).

  25. DeadMessenger
    June 24th, 2016 @ 2:16 pm

    If I were one if those German girls, the men in my family would “press charges” for me. But I guess we’re not talking about Southern, Bible belt Germany. =)

  26. Steve Skubinna
    June 24th, 2016 @ 3:49 pm

    If you were one of those German girls, the men in your family would be Germans.

    Good luck expecting a Sitzenpinkler to step up.

  27. Steve Skubinna
    June 24th, 2016 @ 3:52 pm

    It’s called “pissing off the parents.” A lot of those solid proggie foot warriors grow up to get smacked in the face by reality. Sometimes it’s early enough that they figure out having a family and raising kids is pretty damn cool.

  28. Liza
    June 24th, 2016 @ 3:52 pm

    No getting other peoples sperm is not a right. Getting other peoples eggs surgically removed and placed in yet a another person uterus also is not a right. It is a human rights violation–brought to us by the love is love crowd.

    LGBT is using 3rd world women as live human breed animals and reproductive slaves. Let that sink in dude.

    Nobody has any right to own or buy other peoples biological material, that includes their wombs and their children.

    In truth, same sex couples are the biggest violators of human right on the landscape today–it aint parenting it is called human trafficking and it is a far cry from parenthood.

    And yes the 3rd world is noticing and so is the UN so save the civil rights horse shit it has not traction in Africa, India, Nepal and every other place LGBT brings death and destruction to women and infants.

    Nobody has a “right” a child or any other human–LGBT the new slave holders. And dude I am no” Other Mccain” he is nice Christian type same sex couples should be banned from depriving other peoples children both a mother and father–same sex parenting vioates children’s human rights.

    And I and others like me get to say it over and over and as the products of the big fat lie–same sex parents People listen to the product of the loving LGBT community–so save it–no shove it.

  29. BooBoo75
    June 24th, 2016 @ 4:15 pm

    I agree to a point. Never underestimate what a man will stick his dong in just to stick his dong in. I have read some outstanding ploys men have launched just to get laid. Entire personas with elaborate back stories. I think many feminists encounter sleaze balls for the simple fact many self proclaimed feminist progressive men have adopted such personas as a mating strategy.

    Of course what a man will boink after 5 pints and what he will date for a bit and what he will marry can vary wildly.

  30. arik matthews
    June 24th, 2016 @ 4:50 pm

    I found my Eternal Soulmate at 21 (She was 18). She didn’t look like Meg Ryan, though. Meg Ryan wishes she looked that good.

    And I was and am a Human Slug.

    Now, after 22 years of marriage and 2 kids, we’re older and fatter, but every time I look at her, I still see that 18-year-old girls smiling back at me.

    Sometimes you CAN win the lottery.

  31. Adam
    June 24th, 2016 @ 5:21 pm

    You are correct on your interpretation of women and their sexual market value, (SMV), but you’re way off base with regards to men. Saying that if a man hasn’t had a year long relationship by the age of 21 means he’s a loser is misapplying women’s SMV to men.

    While women peak at around 23, men peak in their late 30s. The reason for this is that women are attracted to confidence, money, and social status and the vast majority of men do not have this at age 21.

    Many men will of course have had a series of relationships by 21 but those who haven’t are often very far from “Seth Rogan losers”. They do have to do a lot of work but it’s not just on their physical attractiveness; it’s on their status as a man.

  32. Jeanette Victoria ?????????
    June 24th, 2016 @ 5:31 pm

    Funny all the men I went when I was dating all all really nice (could it be they were all ex and retired military? Who knows)

  33. robertstacymccain
    June 24th, 2016 @ 10:37 pm

    “… from good conservative families a lot of leftwingers can be spawned.”

    And this means … what?

    I’ve got six kids. Even if two of them turned out to be Marxists, that still leaves me four conservative kids. But the point is, conservative values are correlated with high birth rates here and now, without regard for the politics of ensuing generations.

  34. Bob Belvedere
    June 24th, 2016 @ 11:31 pm

    I think, in the same situation, I would smother myself with the pillows.

  35. java
    June 25th, 2016 @ 6:14 am

    If we take as an example 2 families of 3 kids each, the conservative family might have 1/3 that turns out leftist, the leftist family will have 3/3 leftists. If it wasn’t like this how do you explain the youth of today regading gay marriage and abortion? The rate at which they turn conservative after 35 yo is not enough to sustain a clear conservative majority or enough to have anything done. Just stating facts.

  36. java
    June 25th, 2016 @ 6:16 am

    and again how many of those kids (the grandkids of the original couple) will turn out leftist? While on conservative forums I keep on reading this horrendous line “my leftwing relatives (sometimes niece/nephew)” while I never read on leftwinger forums “my conservative relatives (niece/nephew/son/daughter)”.

  37. Rhino ?
    June 25th, 2016 @ 7:44 am

    There is nothing wrong with how the woman looks, but… difficult is probably an understatement.

  38. Steve Skubinna
    June 25th, 2016 @ 9:00 am

    Conservatives still love their family even if they are wrong. Progressives shun them if they disagree.

    You don’t hear progressives lament their conservative relatives because they are dead to them.

  39. RKae
    June 25th, 2016 @ 11:33 am

    Remember: In that movie it took Billy Crystal several years to get Meg Ryan, including letting her go through a crappy marriage first.

    I ain’t a handsome critter, but I fell for a pageant queen once. I could have won her if I had been willing to wait a decade and let her go through her marriage to a clown that I knew was going to cheat on her.

  40. RKae
    June 25th, 2016 @ 11:35 am

    Yup. You and I are paying for people who can’t have kids naturally, and for people who are pregnant but never intended to get that way.

    A whole lot of resources going into the fight against nature!

  41. Dianna Deeley
    June 25th, 2016 @ 3:22 pm

    It’s possible to get over being difficult. Possible to make the most of what looks you have.

    Too bad.

  42. CaptainWhitebread
    June 25th, 2016 @ 7:04 pm

    I suppose I’m a loser, then…was married for 17 years when she left for some Internet beau. Pushing 50, not making much money, and confidence…sheesh. I lost that when the marriage ended years ago.

    Desperate as I’ve been at times, I still wouldn’t date Ms. Layton.

  43. Quartermaster
    June 25th, 2016 @ 8:45 pm

    If a man is just looking for a woman to have illicit sex with, his standards will be different than if he is looking for a woman to be a lifelong companion.

    Personally, I won’t bang a woman unless said woman is my wife.

  44. Lamont Cranston III
    June 25th, 2016 @ 8:51 pm

    Meg Ryan didn’t marry in the movie, Billy Crystal did…

  45. Jeff Alberter
    June 25th, 2016 @ 10:05 pm

    “…if you’re 21 and have never had a relationship that lasted at least a year, you have a problem, and that problem is you.”

    A bit harsh, perhaps? I’d fall under this category, and would invite you to enter the modern dating market for us single guys. Specifically those raised by single moms (again, guilty).

    “Mom, how do I get girls to like me?”

    “Be yourself, be nice, and you’ll be beating them off with a stick!”

    After years of rejection, I finally realized I was lied to my whole life, about something very fundamental to my happiness, and to my identity as a man. As a result, I got angry. Intensely so.

    And, as with any intense emotion, it stopped me from thinking clearly, with the result that the anger was inappropriately and unproductively directed.

    Getting angry with women about this is largely pointless, as well as counter productive. One may as well get angry at the sun for causing sunburn. However, this sort of clarity is hard to achieve when you’re reeling from the realization that you have been raised on a steady diet of lies and your entire sexual worldview is crumbling down around you.

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  48. Ryan Long
    June 28th, 2016 @ 2:36 am

    Evolution is just a scientific explanation of facts, it’s not an ideology or moral philosophy. You’re as misguided as feminists are. Reality doesn’t care about your dumb beliefs, whether they’re centered on creator deities or the patriarchy.