Category: Farce

In Bizarre Gardening Accident, Piers Morgan & Lawrence O’Donnell Become World’s First Post-Uteral Siamese Twins

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by Smitty

ROCHESTER, MN–Doctors at the Mayo Clinic announced that they had stabilized the two, who were Platonically pruning periwinkles in the garden when beset by an escaped zoo lion. Conrad Murray was in the area, and the situation only got weirder from there.

Spokesmen from the Ministry of Truth revealed that the two men are joined at the back of throat, facing away ,at right angles, speechless, and on feeding tubes. Surprisingly, this is not expected to impact either of their shows:

  • Their viewer can’t watch them both simultaneously. As they will be sharing a studio for the time being, they’ll take turns being on the front side of a curtain to cover the off-duty body.
  • The eventual separation operation is complicated by the difficulty distinguishing between the two, brought on by years of regurgitating the same, tired Commie talking points about gun control and Americans all being Socialists now.
  • The necessary bad lip reading of their dialog will only underscore the case that they’ve actually been speaking out their backsides for years.

Get better, gentlemen. Please.

Axelrod Interviewed By Strolling Drone

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by Sissypuss the Blog Kitty

[Strolling Drone correspondent Sissypuss interviewed former Obama Administration political guru David Axelrod for its June 01, 2013 edition. This is a wide-ranging retrospective look at the Meltdown of 2012, the fallout from that, and what he’s been doing since he gave up politics in June 2012 for the other love of his life, rock’n’roll, and his band “Confiscated Guns & Subsidized Roses”]

Sissypuss:David, my man: how the heck are ya? You look like you have actually slept in the last few weeks.

Axelrod: Yeah, I’m glad I bailed when I did. Valerie Jarrett is still doing the Syd Barrettthing, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

S: Well, she wasout there, even before the Meltdown. But that kind of thing doesn’t just happen. What was your first sign that there was a problem?

A: I’d have to point to Sandra Fluke. We had laid set up the play as early as the January GOP debate. But when we handed the ball to Sandra Fluke, it all went sideways. We lost the tempo.S: Limbaugh. . .
All he had to do was keep the stonewalling going, and ride out the term. Easy as tears out of Boehner. A: Yeah, I still haven’t figured out whether Rush deliberately threw out some bait for us, of if he actually screwed up by calling Fluke the word that rhymes with mutt, and then just recovered masterfully. Either way, he’s a genius. [Deep breath] Wow, I can say that now.

Continue reading Axelrod Interviewed By Strolling Drone →

Romney Campaign Infiltrated By DHS-Certified Right Winger In Black Ford Mustang Thinking Santorum Thoughts

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by Smitty

Stacy called to gloat about arriving at the car rental and getting a souped-up Ford Mustang for the price of a mid-sized rental. Spys reporting to Sissypuss the Blog Kitty reported that this was really a Romney campaign stunt, intending to rely on Stacy’s big foot on the gas to get him thrown in jail, and thus be unable to report on the details of whatever Iowa fix is in.

Bolstering the theory was a Speed Raaaaacist screed by Dan Collins, some deep fried Southern reminisce full of code words, dog whistles, and semaphores. Have a go. It’s got everything but a banjo, as far as I can tell. Little did Dan know that Stacy, while not competent yet on TweetDeck, or bluetooth headsets–though his teeth were better unmentioned–has in fact mastered the fine art of cruise control.

It seems that Stacy hasn’t been behind the wheel of a black vehicle with anything resembling an engine since his stunt driver days on the set of Smokey and the Bandit, and the thought of being crushed in Iowa for speeding like he was crushed at the roulette table in Vegas is really too much of a bother for Stacy in his dotage.

Thus, Stacy’s arrival at the Romney event in a Black Chariot of Justice may thus catch Romney’s campaign off guard. A nearly Gingrich-ian surprise, IYKWIMAITYD. At that point, the challenge becomes keeping the Rule 5 political cling-ons from piling up too thickly on the hood. Oh, who am I kidding? Stacy will end up giving Dave Weigel a lift. But that’s how it goes.

Just remember, Stacy: if you meet a young co-ed named Mary Jo, that car is not a submarine. Okay?

And yes, the Romney campaign has the vehicle bugged. When you give the gnarly old guy in the bib overalls a lift, and

he says “Knock, knock.”,

and you reply, “Who’s there?”,

and he says, “It’s the plumber. I’ve come to fix the sink,”

that is your cue that the Semi-Conscious Liberation Army, in conjunction with the Ron Paul campaign, is preparing to pull off an operation previously only seen in the pages of the Illuminatus Trilogy, but which they think they can operationalize. Remember: if the operation fails, the statute of limitations on you for that job in Peru is expired, and Jorge really could use a favor. Whether it succeeds or fails, it will help the Santorum campaign. That’s all you need to know.

Godspeed.

Update: linked at Reluctant-Rebel

70% Of Americans Self-Identify As Raaaaacists Who Want Valid Elections

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by Smitty

The overwhelming majority of Americans, 70% in a Rasmussen poll, who

believe voters should be required to show photo identification such as a driver’s license before being allowed to cast their ballot

have obviously fallen prey to that ancient, patriarchal, oppressive notion of Truth.

This blog looks forward to that shiny day when we cast off this squalid, hidebound, retrograde commitment to fact and embrace the shiny, gratifying, embrace of #40Dollars, Progress, and helpful organizations like the SEIU.

Update: linked at The Lonely Conservative.

Old And Busted: Nobel Peace Prize.
The New Hotness: Confucian Peace Prize

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by Smitty

In Vladimir style, he wakes up one morning with a prize so cool that neither Jimmy Carter, nor St. Albert of Gore, nor even the vaunted #OccupyResoluteDesk have one:

After two wars in Chechnya, one conflict in South Ossetia and two of the deadliest hostage relief operations in modern history, the former KGB officer was named on Monday as the winner of the second Confucian peace prize.
It is unclear if Putin is even aware of the award which was chosen by an obscure cultural organisation, the China International Peace Research Centre, from a field of nominees including Bill Gates, Angela Merkel, Kofi Annan, Jacob Zuma and a Tibetan Panchen Lama imposed by Beijing.
The 16-judge panel said that Putin deserved the award because his criticism of Nato’s military engagement in Libya was “outstanding in keeping world peace”, regardless of the fact that it had no bearing on the outcome of the north African conflict.

The five member Nobel Prize Committee could not be reached for comment. Sissypuss the Blog Kitty, however, has it on good authority that them Norwegians are sure-a pissed-a off, you betcha. Ole Danbolt Mjøs, Nobel Committee chair, purportedly expressed outrage:

Norway will not permit the Peace Prize brand to be diluted by this ‘Made in China’ frippery! This means war!

Putin is said to have interrupted #OccupyResoluteDesk on the links with the news:

Bow to this, Barack! I’ve got the Confucian Peace Prize. Also, no trouble getting re-elected. Ask me nicely, and I’ll offer you some advice on campaign videos. Later, sucker.

via Memeorandum

Update: more at Troglopundit.

Breaking, With Drumbeats: Rise of the Planet of the Apes Sequel Confirmed!

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by Smitty

Furious Fanboys report:

After becoming a huge box office surprise at the end of the summer, Rise of the Planet of the Apes will definitely get a sequel. Deadline has confirmed the news, and that Andy Serkis will see a seven figure deal to return as Caesar. Director Rupert Wyatt will be back as well.

Sissypuss the Blog Kitty has confirmed, with some trepidation, an unexpected twist. Due to the need to pile all the cash in #OccupyResoluteDesks’s Canadian tour bus when it comes through Southern California for tribute, the sequel will consist of a Rupert Wyatt collaboration with Michael Moore on an #OccupyHollywood documentary.

Moore expressed glee that the #Occupy apes already have the story’s scatalogical angle in hand, albeit messily. The only real plot twist to await in all this is how they will pin the blame for societal collapse on Bush.

via Digg and Insty.

In Single Guy News, Slightly Tarnished Armenian Gal With A 72-Day Definition Of ‘Forever’ May Be Available

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by Smitty

Just a Conservative Girl quotes Her Kimness:

After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best.

In all seriousness, I hope she and the husband repent. The institution of marriage will outlive any individual idiocy, but that should not be an occasion to behave like an idiot.
So, if you’re loaded, have a two-dimensional, present tense view of what matters in life, and better hair than I do. . .no, pursue happiness instead.

Kris Humphries was reportedly blindsided, and not keen on being just another video tape in her collection.

I wish him the best in saving the marriage, and I thank the Lord that destiny did not put me in similar shoes.

Update: linked at the POH Diaries.

Long Before The Infamous Speedo, There Was The Mullet

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by Smitty

It’s Stacy McCain’s birthday today. How about we break out some cheer. Consider: a snapshot from the early days of color photography, Stacy’s youth:Now, Stacy has not formally denied that this is him, clutching his Cuddlewhumpus County, Alabama Annual Noodling Contest and Catfish Fry, Third Place, Youth Division trophy, but that’s what I heard.

Quick poll: is it high time that Stacy resurrect the mullet?

Update: Linked at The Lonely Conservative.