Category: Farce

Obama Hits MTV On Friday To Talk About His Second Term Agenda

Posted on Comments

by Smitty

Breitbart links Hollywood Reporter with an important message from Empty-Vee:

The network announced on Tuesday that the president will be featured in a live, 30-minute special to air on Friday, Oct. 26 at 5 p.m. ET. As part of MTV’s “Power of 12” election campaign, Obama will answer questions from the audience on ASK OBAMA LIVE: An MTV Interview with the President, with viewers submitting their questions and concerns via MTV’s Facebook page.

This blog’s intrepid investigative reporter, Sissypuss, has obtained an a secret advanced look at the second term agenda that #OccupyResoluteDesk intends to debut:

Update: linked at Jackie Wellfonder

SCOTUS Chief Justice-At-Large Paul Anka Rejected ObamaCare For Lack Of Integrity

Posted on Comments

by Smitty

[There has been a lot of curiosity about the behind-the-scenes maneuvering that triggered the SCOTUS to shift the ObamaCare penalty to a tax. This blog has recovered a secret transcript of the deliberations with SCOTUS Chief Justice-at-Large Paul Anka, as he led the Supreme Court to enlightenment.]

Anka: “First order of business: no penalties masquerading as taxes. Understand that? You see these taxes that everybody’s paying? Everybody pu–where’s the…where’s the gal on the end? The former White House Counsel.”

Roberts: “You weren’t calling it a tax.”

Kagan: “I know.”

Anka: “The other gal on the end there, the taxer! Taxer! Didn’t I say taxes?”

Roberts: “Yeah. I thought he was covered.”

Anka: “You thought, you thought. You thought. . .you thought eight things tonight. You’re on friggin’ notice, John. OK?

  • The people get taxes. Don’t make a friggin’ maniac out of me.
  • The people get taxes. Do you understand? We not gonna be ‘as strong as our weakest link’.
  • The people get taxes. (You understand that?) This is like football, baseball, like anything else.
  • The people get taxes. That’s just the friggin’ way it is. What’s it gonna be, guys? Who are you watching?

(What’s your problem?)

I don’t get it. I don’t get it. Do you understand that? You want your jobs? Where’s Joe? There is a lot of loose stuff going on, and I am telling you, you guys are on thin ice. All right? I am telling you right now. And when I friggin’ move, I slice like a friggin’ hammer. You’ve seen it, and I’ll do it again. You understand that? That’s just the friggin’ way it is.

Every one of your friggin’ checks cash with the amount on it. Do any of your checks bounce? Do you all get full value on your money? I want full value on your friggin’ service. Do you hear me? Do you understand that? That’s just the way it is around here.

I’m warning you. I’m the only important one on that stage. You understand that? You want to lose a job? Do you? Then put me some friggin’ knowledge in here.

Tell me what’s wrong. He’s the only one with his hands up, and he cuts off. Now give me some intelligent friggin’ answers. Who are you watchin’?

Where’s Joe? I don’t get it. I don’t get it. You understand that? I am telling you that this job is on thin ice. And you know how fast I move. I don’t care if you’re a white man, a production manager, an agent or a theater owner like last night. Do you understand?

I have a new philosophy. I don’t care if it’s Jesus Christ. I’m the only important one on that stage. I’m warning you. Is that good enough? For all of you? I’m on that kind of an integrity kick. Do you understand? Do you understand where I’m coming from with integrity? If you guys had better understand the same thing. Because you’re all replaceable.

Do you like your jobs? Do you want your jobs? Do you? Then you’d better protect hers. That’s just the friggin’ way it is. Get it friggin’ right. That’s just the way it is around here. Do you hear me? Do you understand that? Don’t make a friggin’ maniac out of me.

NSFW reference

Elizabeth Warren’s Iron Maiden Tribute Band Is A Huge Hit

Posted on Comments

by Sissypuss the Blog Kitty

FITCHBURG, MASSACHUSETTS
Art and politics have just had another one of their strange collisions.

Elizabeth Warren hides her hefty biceps by day through the use of an expertly tailored wardrobe.
Warren and her band, "Pseudajawea" rocking out at Partner's Pub in Fitchburg, Massachusetts
 Friday night Pseudajawea rocked Partner’s Pub, and Strolling Drone correspondent Sissypuss was there to take in the show.
The entire set was filled with excitement, as the Democrat candidate for U.S. Senate flexed considerable heavy metal chops, blending them with contemporary props like a 30 pound dumbbell made from a printout of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA/ObamaCare.)
Things veered in the direction of tense when some Cherokee women made it close to the stage.
Calling an audible to the band, Elizabeth had them segue into Run to the Hills,

brandishing her copy of ObamaCare at them while yelling “Enslaving the young and destroying the old!”, for all that might have been closer to a Trail of Tears reference. Security escorted the Cherokee women from the venue.Rejoining Warren on the stage in her old role as drummer was Teresa A. Sullivan, fresh from a stint as President at the University of Virginia. Fortunately the band sounded better that the steaming pile of malarky that Sullivan and Warren attempted to pass off as scientific research in 1989. Warren’s grasp of public conduct is roughly as risible as her genealogical efforts.
With Martha Coakley on lead guitar and Dede Scozzafava on bass, Pseudajawea is a musical, if not political, force with which to reckon. Look for their first collection of Iron Maiden covers, The Number Of The Powerslave Campaign Contributions That Will Give Us Piece Of Mind, next month.

Much love to Political Clown Parade for indulging this blog’s whacky photoshop ideas.

In Which I Take Fast, Furious Cheap Shot At Jay Carney

Posted on

by Smitty

President Obama may have to clear a high bar in order to lock down Fast and Furious documents from the prying eyes of congressional investigators. . .

An imaginary exchange at the daily White House Press Briefing. . .

Carney: Now, I am not privy to the Fast & Furious documents that are in contention between the Attorney General and Congress. However, our interns now are distributing some hard copies of declassified, redacted documents to the press. . .

Wendell Goler Have you reviewed these yourself?

Carney: I was privy to a late draft that was pretty much down to definite articles and prepositions, plus most of the punctuation.

. . .muttering in the press pool. . .

Is there some sort of problem with what the interns distributed?

What the press corps saw.
What the press corps saw.

Jake Tapper: Dude: where are the redacted documents? This is several copies of the cover of The Black Album, by Metallica! Nice Gadsden serpent, by the way.

Carney: Those zany interns! Well, maybe the President has adopted the whole “Don’t tread on me” ethos. Obama has always empathized with the whole Tea Party/#Occupy concept, you know. At any rate, that conclude’s today’s briefing. I’ll have to get back to you on the precise meaning of this document release.

Update: Oh no. Daily Pundit may have seen through the redaction.

via HotAir

Slathering S.A.L.V.E On Your Kindle

Posted on Comments

by Smitty

Now it can be purchased!
While neither a dessert topping nor a floor wax, S.A.L.V.E. promises to deliver a “Wut?” from uncultured audiences everywhere!

  • Could the Secretary of State really be the President’s mother? (OediPOTUS Wrecks)
  • Could co-bloggers sustain a Samuel Beckett riff while sending up Obama’s stimulus program? (Waiting for O-Dough)
  • Can you make a post-apocalytpic road trip in an obscure Sean Connery vehicle? (Czar d’Oz)
  • Do infamous forgeries and pulp horror mix? (The Protocols of the Elders of CTHULHU)

Yesterday’s announcement of CreateSpace availability got some fine linkage:

So, if I’ve done you favors, wire yourself a copy, blog it and flog it. If I’ve done you not-favors, blog it anyway and call me everything but a U.S. citizen.

Available for Kindle or in hard copy from CreateSpace.

HABU: Hook A Bruthuh Up!

 

Announcement: S.A.L.V.E.

Posted on Comments

by Smitty


Shameless Acts of Literary Vandalism and Entertainment is surely the Publishing Event of June 19, 2012! Collected in one tidy package, and available just in time for West Virginia Day, you can now spare yourself the toil of navigating to 45 different URLs, and instead have a handsome, consolidated unit for your entertainment needs. You can settle the age-old question: Is this thing better employed as the target, or the missile?

Featuring an introductory essay/mea culpa/mercy plea from Robert Stacy McCain, S.A.L.V.E.breaks new ground where wiser heads see thin ice. Birtherism is far too tame, as S.A.L.V.E asks:

  • Could the Secretary of State really be the President’s mother? (OediPOTUS Wrecks)
  • Could co-bloggers sustain a Samuel Beckett riff while sending up Obama’s stimulus program? (Waiting for O-Dough)
  • Can you make a post-apocalytpic road trip in an obscure Sean Connery vehicle? (Czar d’Oz)
  • Do infamous forgeries and pulp horror mix? (The Protocols of the Elders of CTHULHU)

Critics being critics, they have come after the author with tar, feathers, a live cattle prod, and a Dremel:

  • Simón Bolívar: Smitty needs calibration by my ‘infinitely firm hand’.
  • Kurt Schlicter: If this book was any better, it’d be as good as mine.
  • The Taco Bell Chihuahua: Yo quiero, barf-o bag!
  • Tywin Lannister: I’d sooner have a crossbow bolt for a laxative than this.
  • Khal Drogo: I, for one, would prefer a molten crown.
  • George W. Bush: Me? I’m heading to the Pike Place. . .Market.
  • Meddle: One of these days, I’m going to cut Smitty into little pieces.
  • Frank J. Fleming: Easily the second most important conservative political humor book of all time. Barring most others.
  • Severian: Were Smitty my client, I could offer him a thousand remedies.
  • Rutherford B. Hayes:
  • Larry Niven: Smitty should be decked by the long arm of Gil Hamilton.
  • Smaug: I’d like to light up Smitty’s life.

I hope that the critical blowback doesn’t reach Mrs. Other Smitty’s photo site. She was gracious enough to donate the cover photo. This is available on CreateSpace.com right now, and will be available via Kindle whenever the unspecified blockage that keeps getting it kicked back from “in review” to “draft” is alleviated. Not that I’m bitter or anything. Not me. Nope. Any readers who have a point of contact within Amazon are welcome to chime in.

Update: Thanks, Fausta!

Yes, Dan Riehl: Slavery. To Materialism!

Posted on Comments

by Smitty

Dan Riehl brings some dainty new footwear to the discussion. However, we need to dig a little deeper here. The message may not be limited to simple 19thcentury bondage. No.

Does Dan Riehl secretly dream of this sort of restraint?
Chattel slavery? Worse--possessions!

As Lawrence O’Donnell (my intellectual guide) points out, we’re all socialists now:
This new line of footwear clearly underscores the American enslavement to possessions, bling, and physical nonsense. We must rightly reject this bourgeois notion of private property! Let the shackles come off, and let there be community footwear! From each according to his mobility, to each according to his feet!

For too long, this weird combination of Imelda Marcos, sports, and melted crayons has gripped the American foot. It is time American toes to join in liberty, equality, and fraternity: “LACES OF THE AMERICAN SHOE UNTIE!”

Page & Plant Interview In Strolling Drone

Posted on Comments

Strolling Drone’s intrepid correspondent, Sissypuss, was finally able to score a brief, joint interview with Jimmy Page and Robert Plant for its June 15, 2013 edition.

Sissypuss: One of the interesting things about the 2012 campaign was the sudden revelation of Barack Obama’s historical activities. That included being a heretofore unknown 5th member of Led Zeppelin, a sort of political Pete Best, if you will.

Nowadays, the media are attached to him like males to an anglerfish.

Page: That’s really how politicians are, isn’t it? Various biographical details are kept mum, unless it proves to be of some political advantage to trot them out. He’s an inside-out character, rather than the usual musical outside-in.

Sissypuss: So, what was it like, working with him?

Plant: Absolutely Jeckyll & Hyde from what you have today. Nowadays, the media are attached to him like males to an anglerfish. Back then, he really wasn’t so much about the limelight, which is why so few people know about his musical phase.

He really thought himself gifted, a sort of Jimi Hendrix meets Louis Armstrong, with a shot of Bob Marley and that twist of Al Green. And yet, he gave up all of the trappings of music for the trap of power. Truly a self-sacrificing individual, is Barack Obama. He could have been living the good life with us, and yet now he sits, desperately trying to make his country a better place, only to get savaged in this obnoxious conservative blogs. Who knew the American people could be so disrespectful of such a visionary?

Sissypuss: He sounded fine on that bit of Al Green those months ago. Are you going to trot Obama out for any further work with you?

Page: We’re in talks to have him on a cover of Poor, Poor Pitiful Me, by the late great Warren Zevon. The Administration wants to alter the lyrics a bit to blame George W. Bush, but the question is: How much blame is too much?

He really thought himself gifted, a sort of Jimi Hendrix meets Louis Armstrong, with a shot of Bob Marley and that twist of Al Green.

Sissypuss: And so it’s true you’ve resurrected some of the only available audiotape of Obama for your new #Occupy tribute release, Outhouses of the Unholy. . .

Plant: Yes, we were working on Led Zeppelin III, and somebody had a directional microphone accidentally pointed at the portaloo after a particularly stirring curry lunch. I don’t want to give away too much, as did your President that day.

Sissypuss: What are the tour plans? Are the rumors of Axelrod’s new band, Confiscated Guns & Subsidized Roses opening up for at least some of the dates going to come true?

Page: Well, we’re still a trifle upset with him about the Physical Grafitti reference on Appetite for Taxation. “Fiscal Graft Party” makes us out to be thieves and chiselers. He claims it was all some kind of a joke, but the only one laughing is Bill Maher. Those hyena-like sounds coming out of Chris Matthews might also be laughter, come to think of it.

We’re in talks to have him on a cover of ‘Poor, Poor Pitiful Me’

Sissypuss: And an Obama cameo? You know that, even after going down hard in the 2012 election, there are those interest groups that somehow still can’t get enough of him.

Plant: Oh, Barack may drop in for a Jazz Odyssey somewhere.

Much love to Political Clown Parade for the great ‘shop work.

Update: linked at The Conservatory