Posted on | October 6, 2013 | 71 Comments
Maxwell Birnbaum: Dumber than an Alabama cop.
In March last year, a college freshman named Maxwell Birnbaum was riding in a van filled with friends from Austin, Tex., to a spring-break rental house in Gulf Shores, Ala. As they neared their destination, the police pulled the van over, citing a faulty taillight. When an officer asked if he could search the vehicle, the driver — a fraternity brother of Mr. Birnbaum’s who quickly regretted his decision — said yes.
Six Ecstasy pills were found in Mr. Birnbaum’s knapsack, and he was handcuffed and placed under arrest. Mr. Birnbaum later agreed to enter a multiyear, pretrial diversion program that has involved counseling and drug tests, as well as visits to Alabama every six months to update a judge on his progress. . . .
[T]he mug shot from his arrest is posted on a handful of for-profit Web sites . . . These companies routinely show up high in Google searches; a week ago, the top four results for “Maxwell Birnbaum” were mug-shot sites. . . .
[T]hese pictures can cause serious reputational damage, as Mr. Birnbaum learned in his sophomore year, when he applied to be an intern for a state representative in Austin. Mr. Birnbaum heard about the job through a friend.
“The assistant to this state rep called my friend back and said, ‘We’d like to hire him, but we Google every potential employee, and the first thing that came up when we searched for Maxwell was a mug shot for a drug arrest,’ ” Mr. Birnbaum said. “I know what I did was wrong, and I understand the punishment,” he continued. “But these Web sites are punishing me, and because I don’t have the money it would take to get my photo off them all, there is nothing I can do about it.”
Here’s your problem: You’re stupid, Maxwell.
Six measly tabs of Ecstasy?
Dude, back in the Seventies, I sold dope in felony-weight quantities and never once got busted. Because I was not stupid.
OK, I was a Democrat back then and that was intensely stupid, but at least I wasn’t stupid enough to get busted for dope.
It’s a Darwinian thing, Maxwell. You’re obviously inferior.
Despite my past as a long-haired adolescent dopehead, I am in favor of strict enforcement of Our Nation’s Laws Against Dangerous Drugs, because I don’t want people who are too stupid to out-smart a narc to be running around on the streets, clogging up traffic on the highways and, potentially, replicating their hopelessly stupid genes.
When the cops catch a stupid dopehead, I want that drug-addled idiot sentenced to the maximum extent of the law.
So, no, I don’t pity you for your “reputational damage,” Max, because if you’re dumber than a cop in Baldwin County, Alabama, you’re obviously so stupid we need to warned about your stupidity.