The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Harvard #SexWeek Punch Lines

Posted on | November 6, 2014 | 68 Comments

Years ago, when I was covering education for a newspaper in Georgia — when my oldest daughter (now 25) was in kindergarten and my twin sons (now 22) were just toddlers — I came to the conclusion that “sex education” in schools is (a) morally corrupting and (b) a harmful waste of taxpayer money. As to point (a) just think about your typical public school teacher. Have you seen these people? Have you ever had a conversation with a public school teacher?

Are you aware that students pursuing education degrees, on average, have the lowest SAT scores of any college major?

If you are sufficiently literate to read and comprehend this sentence, congratulations: You’re smarter than a fifth-grade teacher!

If you are more intelligent than the average public-school teacher, why the hell would you trust one of those hopeless dullards to teach your kids about sex? Might as well send your kid to the Post Office or Department of Motor Vehicles to ask a random bureaucrat about sex.

“Hi, my Mommy said you can you tell me where to find my uterus. And what’s this whole ‘menstruation’ deal about?”

No, hell, no. You wouldn’t want a DMV bureaucrat talking to your children about sex, so why let a public school teacher do it? It doesn’t make sense, especially if you can conjure up the mental image of your typical school teacher — not a particularly attractive person, OK? — standing in front a classroom of children, showing them anatomical pelvic cross-section charts and teaching them the Latin words for various parts: Labia minora, vagina, mons pubis, et cetera.

The ONLY Latin they teach in schools nowadays, you see?

Public schools won’t teach your kids a goddamned line of Cicero, but it is crucially important fifth-graders learn to spell “vulva,” “testes” and “glans penis,” because common English slang just won’t do.

Might as well send your kids to the DMV, really.

If you are naïve enough to believe a word any government education bureaucrat says, you might think we live in a culture where facts about sex are hidden in the shadows, suppressed by puritanical prudery, so that it would be impossible for kids to learn about this stuff were it not for “comprehensive” sex education in public schools.

If you’re that stupid, click here and hit my tip jar for $25 and I’ll send you the Hope Diamond via FedEx. It’s just a 45-carat blue paperweight sitting here on my desk, but I digress . . .

No, the Hope Diamond is not for sale. I’m just kidding.

Acidic sarcasm as a means to educational reform is a technique I’ve been using since fifth grade, and all it ever got me was trips to the principal’s office, multiple paddlings and several suspensions.

You’ll notice that al-Qaeda terrorists have never targeted the offices of the U.S. Department of Education. This is no coincidence, and neither is the fact that they didn’t hit Harvard University on 9/11:

Organizers of Harvard University’s “Sex Week” event have added a new workshop this year aimed at teaching students the joys of anal sex. Anyone bothered by the workshop is obviously “repressed” and hates gays and women, says one of the organizers.
One of the organizers of “sex week,” co-president of Sexual Health Education & Advocacy Throughout Harvard (SHEATH) Kirin Gupta, spoke to MTV and denigrated those who have criticized Sex Week in general and her anal sex workshop in particular.
Gupta, who was the 2012 “Global Citizen of the Year,” insisted that anyone who criticized her anal workshop, titled “What What In The Butt,” were just a bunch of haters.
Saying that “What What In The Butt” added “something that was missing” during past Sex Week celebrations, Gupta admitted that there has been some criticism of the workshop. But these critics just hate gays, she decided.
“The conservative backlash speaks to the latent homophobia that society thinks so often it has gotten over, and has not. It speaks to these residual prejudices that people [have] when faced with a reality they’re not willing to acknowledge or respect,” she said.

Got that? Your problem is “residual prejudices toward a practice you’re not willing to acknowledge or respect,” you ignorant bigots. Whereas the problem at Harvard University is, highly intelligent students at that elite institution don’t know how to have butt sex.

What else can I say? I could riff endlessly about this, but Harvard won’t listen because I’m obviously afflicted by latent homophobia, residual prejudices and, also, the Hope Diamond. That useless blue rock is just sitting here on my desk, gathering dust . . .



68 Responses to “Harvard #SexWeek Punch Lines”

  1. Adobe_Walls
    November 7th, 2014 @ 2:01 pm

    Nothing is more important than reading, and now that we have the internet there are almost no limits to what we can read.

  2. Dana
    November 7th, 2014 @ 2:02 pm

    Then she’s the wrong teacher! This must, must! be taught by someone not in any way connected to your family, or the teacher might convey some terrible sex-negative messages discouraging your whelps from the full enjoyment of their genitals.

  3. Dana
    November 7th, 2014 @ 2:02 pm

    Like this post? 🙁

  4. Dana
    November 7th, 2014 @ 2:04 pm

    There was once a line, in National Review, which characterized it as “using the lower digestive track as a sexual organ.” Kind of puts some perspective on it.

  5. K-Bob
    November 7th, 2014 @ 2:05 pm

    I admire your fortitude. However, you work within a system that works against you.

    I only support private schools now, for that very reason. Government schools are beyond “fixing” at this point. Every chance I get to vote against an increase in taxes to support them, I vote no. I don’t care what the issue is, I always vote against the increase.

    The only sane thing to do is to let them die, and put everything into a private system, where the parents really do control what is taught.

    (And in case anyone thinks to object on the grounds of the poor: the private system can accommodate poor children and children from difficult family situations FAR better than the government system can.)

  6. K-Bob
    November 7th, 2014 @ 2:07 pm

    Give the left enough time, the limits will come.

  7. K-Bob
    November 7th, 2014 @ 2:08 pm

    B. Kliban’s “The Birth Of Advertising” cartoon comes to mind.

  8. K-Bob
    November 7th, 2014 @ 2:13 pm

    Fraternities have demonstrated for hundreds of years that drinking can be taught best by those in private systems of education.

    I would have thought the geniuses at Harvard could figure out that sex is best left to these unpaid, overworked experts in the fraternal orders.

    On the other hand, it could all be a Masonic plot.

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  10. Isa
    November 7th, 2014 @ 3:21 pm

    that’s what everyone says the first time.

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    November 7th, 2014 @ 4:54 pm

    […] are times I feel rather moody myself, although offering to sell the Hope Diamond for $25 kind of cheered me up a bit. The DSCC pulling out of Louisiana also gave me a nice little emotional […]

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  13. theoldsargesays
    November 7th, 2014 @ 9:42 pm

    Of course.
    We have no proof whatsoever that Harry Reid is a pederast as some folk allege.
    To be fair, neither have we heard a denial. I suspect that this lack of denial is designed not to alienate a significant part of his base.

  14. Motch
    November 9th, 2014 @ 3:15 am

    Those Harvard kids should go into the Navy. You get first-hand buggery instruction, and they give *you* tuition money.

  15. Daniel Freeman
    November 11th, 2014 @ 2:27 am

    Easiest class ever. “Just Relax: How to Have Every Hole Filled and Then Some.”

  16. Daniel Freeman
    November 11th, 2014 @ 2:31 am

    On the plus side: rum. On the flip: lashes.

    Wait, what century is this?

  17. MichaelAdams
    November 11th, 2014 @ 1:13 pm

    Yep. Me too.

  18. Dodd
    November 11th, 2014 @ 3:01 pm

    “Acidic sarcasm as a means to educational reform is a technique I’ve been using since fifth grade, and all it ever got me was trips to the principal’s office, multiple paddlings and several suspensions.”

    It’s a shame you weren’t inculcated with the proper reverence for the Oxford comma along the way.