The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler


Posted on | February 7, 2023 | Comments Off on B.I.T.S.


Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences
Johns Hopkins University Medical Center
Baltimore, Maryland

Biden-Induced Tourette’s Syndrome can be diagnosed by its telltale symptom, as the patient begins loudly shouting obscenities whenever Joe Biden appears on the nearest TV. The mere sound of Biden’s voice seems to cause BITS sufferers to start screaming incoherent sequences of curse words, vulgarities, slurs, epithets and sexualized insults. Researchers have concluded that these symptoms are involuntary and that the expressions voiced are entirely irrational, as the patient does not believe, e.g., that Biden literally sodomized his own mother nor that the President of the United States could literally shove the 4,000-page $1.7 trillion “omnibus” spending bill up his own rectum.

While some BITS sufferers are capable of restraining themselves during brief exposures to Biden — a 30-second sound bite on the news may produce only a slight rage-inspired trembling of the hands, sometimes accompanied by throbbing veins in the forehead — they generally lose control when forced to listen to Biden speak for more than a few minutes. All of which is to explain why Robert Stacy McCain will not be “live blogging” tonight’s State of the Union Address. The psychiatric staff has concluded that Mr. McCain might become a danger to himself and others, were he to attempt watching this hour-long event. Perhaps tomorrow morning, after a good night’s sleep and a nutritious breakfast, Mr. McCain will be able to glance briefly at transcripts of President Biden’s speech without erupting in dangerous fits of rage, but it would simply be too risky for him even to try watching the speech on live TV tonight.

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