The Other McCain

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The Amchitka Strategic Bureaucracy Reserve

Posted on | June 3, 2024 | Comments Off on The Amchitka Strategic Bureaucracy Reserve

— by Wombat-socho

“An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and a bureaucrat to Alaska!” – Captain Wallace Binghamton, USNR

It is widely known that you can get a lot accomplished if you don’t care who gets the credit. I therefore offer this proposal to the Trump campaign free of charge.*

One of the problems with uprooting the Deep State and the associated federal bureaucracy is that many of the people we want to drive into the wilderness are protected by being in the Civil Service, which makes them practically impossible to fire. A possible solution to this (short of electing a conservative – note I didn’t say Republican – Congress that will repeal the Civil Service Act of 1978) is to make serving in the bureaucracy as unpleasant as possible. There have been some proposals to disperse Federal agencies among the several states so as to put them “closer to the people they serve” and incidentally weaken the Washington DC area both economically and politically. Those proposals don’t go far enough. I propose that since we clearly have an excess of enemies of the state drawing paychecks from the Treasury, we should put them in places where no reasonable person would want to live and work, while making their lives as difficult as possible once they’re there. Such as, for example, the Aleutian island of Amchitka, most noted for being the site of a 1971 nuclear test that environmental wackos promised us would destroy Anchorage, Juneau, and Vancouver with an enormous man-made tsunami. (Spoiler: It didn’t.) A cursory review of the island will reveal that it has several features that make it ideal for our purposes: the weather is usually foul, it is distant from any other human habitations, there is no infrastructure on the island of any kind, and it is prone to earthquakes. in addition, Amchitka is still being monitored for the release of radioactive materials from the 1971 test, which ought to put the fear of SCIENCE!! into our victimsstockpiled bureaucrats. The rest of the Rat Islands would also be suitable for our purposes; Shemya, on the other hand, while possessing many of the traits that make Amchitka suitable for the SBR, actually has people living on it as well as a vital national defense installation, and we don’t want our stockpiled bureaucrats bothering any of those people.

How do we determine who gets shipped off to the SBR? During each of the government shutdowns caused by budgetary brinksmanship, lists are made of who the essential and nonessential employees are in each agency. The nonessential employees will be given a week to decide whether they want to quit, retire, or move to the Strategic Bureaucracy Reserve to continue their work. If they choose the SBR, they will be shipped to Amchitka with a tent, a sleeping bag, and fifty pounds of personal effects. They will not be allowed to take their families with them. Once relocated to the SBR, they will find office space in General Purpose Large tents erected by the Army, and conduct all their business in writing; the government will not provide any kind of computers or telephones to the SBR, much less any internet connections. Food, sanitation, and medical support will be provided by National Guard and Army Reserve units doing their 15-day annual training stint supplemented by prisoners from various military stockades and Americorps “volunteers” working off their student loans. A weekly mail boat will suffice to provide postal support and transportation off the island for bureaucrats who decide they’ve had enough of this treatment.

It’s possible that the number of bureaucrats sent to the SBR may exceed the space available on the Rat Islands. In this case, we may have to use less attractive (sic) options such as Johnston Atoll, which while it lacks the generally foul weather and earthquakes of the Rat Islands, does have a history of chemical weapons deactivation and nuclear weapons contamination, not to mention the occasional powerful hurricane, and is suitably distant from any human habitation.

It’s my fond hope that the creation of the SBR will result in the rapid drawdown of the Civil Service, and a consequent re-evaluation by Congress as to whether we need some of the etiolated agencies weakened by the creation of the SBR. It’s my small contribution toward Making America Great Again. 

*Although I wouldn’t mind an appointment as a warrant officer with the four-year assignment of telling people they’re moving to Amchitka in a week. 

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Category: Alaska, Donald Trump, humor

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