Formerly attractive actress Kate Beckinsale, before she
turned her vagina into a political statement.
Maybe you have heard of Kate Beckinsale, an actress who used to be considered attractive. In fact, when she was still young — about 15 years ago — guys who saw her nude scene in Uncovered widely regarded Beckinsale as “hot.” As recently as last week, if you had asked guys to name some reasonably good-looking actresses in their late 30s, Kate Beckinsale might have made the top 10.
Then she killed it.
Her vagina, I mean.
When Smitty took note of the “Funny or Die” video Monday — it wasn’t funny, and therefore, died — I didn’t immediately realize that the producers of that unfunny partisan political ad had actually got a moderately well-known actress involved in their miscalculated election-year slur. Then I read Wyblog and learned the shocking truth.
Judy Greer? Andrea Savage? Never heard of ‘em. But Kate Beckinsale? Yeah, that name rang a bell in a “nice rack, pretty face” kind of way.
Why would an attractive, young and reasonably successful actress get herself mixed up in that feminists-mocking-Republicans crap? There is a reason that kind of stunt-politics stuff is monopolized by D-listers and over-the-hill has-beens like Ashley Judd.
If an actress is young and hot, the last thing in the world she wants is to get mixed up in politics. Young hot actresses in Hollywood are cast for roles based entirely on the fact that they are young and hot, and their box-office appeal can only be damaged by taking controversial stands on political issues. The people who buy movie tickets don’t care whether an actress is Republican or Democrat, as long as she’s got a nice rack and a pretty face. As Sam Goldwyn once said, “If you want to send a message, call Western Union.”
Few things are more annoying than a starlet who supposes that she is employed on the basis of her extraordinary talent. Congratulations, darling: You remembered your lines and hit your mark. Let’s just call the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences right now and nominate you for an Oscar in the “Best Rack” category, OK?
What happens with such people, I think, is that they get so used to being catered to and fawned over, they actually start thinking of themselves as superior beings, and imagine that we lesses mortals are actually in need of enlightenment from them.
So when Kate Beckinsale chose to turn her vagina into a political statement, she killed it. And by “it,” I mean her vagina, which by logical extension is ultimately what we refer to when we speak of an actress as having “sex appeal.”
Abortion is about death, Ms. Beckinsale, and by publicly enlisting your vagina on the side of death, you killed it. Christian Toto reminds us:
Beckinsale, who stars in the upcoming “Total Recall” remake, once said she couldn’t believe anyone would actually admit to being a Republican in the first place.
We come to bury Kate Beckinsale’s vagina, not to praise it. After having bared her young tatas in Uncovered, the notorious homewrecker stole another woman’s husband while he was directing her in a forgettable vampire picture nine years ago, when she was still young and reasonably attractive — before she killed her vagina.
So now the remake of Total Recall will star a once-attractive actress with a dead vagina. The critics might not notice, but we will.
UPDATE: Some progressive troll on Twitter decided to complain about “objectification,” which prompted me to respond:
When an actress stars in a POLITICAL AD about ‘MY VAGINA,’ don’t complain about “objectification,” OK?
The title of the Funny or Die video was, after all, “Republicans, Get in My Vagina.” That is to say, Beckinsale and her colleagues thought it would be “cute” to make their vaginas the point of the “joke.” And we can say nothing in reply except polite demurrals?
Nuh-uh. Homey don’t play that.
- April 29: Five Academy Award-Winning Beauties Who Are Moms (Unlike Ashley Judd)
- April 29: Ashley Judd Makes Cruel and Tasteless Jokes About Abortion in Political Video
- April 10: Ashley Judd, Victim of the War on Women