A Tale Of Two Burgers

Posted on | June 5, 2014 | 52 Comments

As I mentioned in the previous burger post, one of my objectives in visiting Las Vegas this week was to check out a couple of hamburger joints not found in my Washington DC stomping grounds: the infamous Heart Attack Grill, and the wildly popular In-N-Out Burger. There were also some other suggestions, but in the heat (sic) of the moment I completely forgot what they were. Anyway…I went forth in the noonday sun today to find a suitable location for the burrow I’ll be occupying next June, and having completed that task, headed out Sahara Boulevard on the bus to find the nearest In-N-Out.

Micah 1:7? How appropriate.

A lot of pixels have been lavished by a lot of fanboys and fangirls on how great In-N-Out Burger is; how it uses only fresh ingredients prepared to your order; how its “secret menu” is so awesome. At the risk of enraging said fanboys, I frankly didn’t think it was all that. I ordered a double-double protein style (no bun) and sampled the fries (for SCIENCE!), and to be honest, neither the burger nor the fries impressed me. It’s not that there was anything bad about either one, but they just didn’t live up to the hype. Comparing them to Five Guys, I give the advantage to the latter: In-N-Out does not have bacon, their fries are inferior to Five Guys’ peanut-fried version, and Five Guys has more variety in the available Coke product.

In fact, I was so underwhelmed by In-N-Out that the minute I stepped off the Deuce at Fremont Street, I returned to the Heart Attack Grill, where I’d had dinner on Tuesday after arriving from Dulles.

They’re not kidding, you guys.

One of the reasons I like Carl’s Jr./Hardees is their in-your-face response to the food Puritans who think we all ought to be eating local-source organically-grown artisanal tofu, and the Heart Attack Grill turns that attitude up to 11. Nothing, absolutely nothing on the menu is good for you in the traditional sense*, and the staff takes great relish in dishing up the Bypass Burgers -available up to Octuple Bypass Size with eight half-pound patties, cheese, chili, onions, tomatoes, and an optional 40 slices of bacon- Flatliner Fries cooked in lard, milkshakes with the world’s highest butterfat content, beer, booze, unfiltered cigarettes, wine served in intravenous bags…it just goes on and on, set against a backdrop of hilarious movie parody posters and a “Last Supper” style mural in which Dr. Jon serves a quadruple bypass burger and flatliner fries to his fast food mascot apostles. Diners are provided with hospital gowns on entry, which is helpful if you’re a messy eater; patients who fail to respond to treatment (i.e., not finishing their burger) are spanked by the “nurses” or “doctors” on duty as appropriate. And those nurses have some quality arms, let me tell you – not from personal experience, mind you; I finished my burgers. Oh yes – diners who weigh in at 350 or more pounds get their Bypass Burger for free with purchase of beverage, and since I am a wombat of bulk, if not definition, I took full advantage of this – but tipped as if I had paid for the burgers, because I’m not a schmuck.

So I don’t think I’ll be going back to In-N-Out, but I think after I move to Vegas next year, I’m going to be spending a few meals with Dr. Jon, Chief Nurse Tracy, and the rest of the crew.

*They do have bottled water, which may be the one thing on the menu that nutritionists would agree is good for you.

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Category: Bacon, Culture, Nevada

Comments

52 Responses to “A Tale Of Two Burgers”

commonpatriot
June 5th, 2014 @ 10:27 pm

via @rsmccain: A Tale Of Two Burgers http://t.co/WYub96GN26 #tcot
MrEvilMatt
June 5th, 2014 @ 10:27 pm

A Tale Of Two Burgers: – compiled by Wombat-socho As I mentioned in the previous burger post, one of my object… http://t.co/4Uc3Hr2dY6
CHideout
June 5th, 2014 @ 10:27 pm

A Tale Of Two Burgers: – compiled by Wombat-socho As I mentioned in the previous burger post, one of my object… http://t.co/fjq8S9sc2o
Lockestep1776
June 5th, 2014 @ 10:27 pm

A Tale Of Two Burgers: – compiled by Wombat-socho As I mentioned in the previous burger post, one of my object… http://t.co/cykzfKYGkS
WeRResistance
June 5th, 2014 @ 10:27 pm

A Tale Of Two Burgers: – compiled by Wombat-socho As I mentioned in the previous burger post, one of my object… http://t.co/DYeDwHOSQA
Citzcom
June 5th, 2014 @ 10:27 pm

A Tale Of Two Burgers: – compiled by Wombat-socho As I mentioned in the previous burger post, one of my object… http://t.co/doZmSU77d6
Evi L. Bloggerlady
June 5th, 2014 @ 10:51 pm

“Taste worth dying for…” Easy for you to say!
Wombat_socho
June 5th, 2014 @ 10:55 pm

They do offer hot dogs, if that’s any consolation. 😉
Evi L. Bloggerlady
June 5th, 2014 @ 10:59 pm

Only if they are made of pork, chicken or turkey!

I am glad, however, you enjoyed your “last meal!”
ChandlersGhost
June 6th, 2014 @ 12:56 am

In-N-Out is okay, but I agree that it’s overhyped. Next time I’m in Nevada I’ll try and talk my dad into lunch at the Heart Attack.
Funeral guy
June 6th, 2014 @ 1:44 am

I live in California and have never understood the love some people have for In-n-Out Burger, though my daughter who doesn’t eat meat likes the “secret” menu because she can have a greasy experience only sans meat. As a native Ohioan give me White Castle anytime!
Barry Bulks Up [Video] | Regular Right Guy
June 6th, 2014 @ 2:43 am

[…] A Tale Of Two Burgers […]
yourmaster
June 6th, 2014 @ 5:32 am

0bama usually prefers dumpster diving in the trash dumpster for a 2 yr old barrel of toxic waste, with a side order of rotten maggots …as do all Dems…. this explains largely in part why they are so braindead/policies fail so badly everywhere they are tried. 😀

they would never go to in and out or any burger joint because those are businesses…. and dems hate businesses.
Joseph Fein
June 6th, 2014 @ 6:31 am

Here in LA (and SD/OC) there is only Two (Cue Queen: Kurgen’s song):

In-and-Out (which I love during daytime hours) and Original Tommy’s (the 24 hour stand near DTLA at 3 AM is always interesting).

If you really want to go trashy food, walk around Hollywood or Sunset after clubbing and have the Bacon wrapped Hot Dogs.
WarEagle82
June 6th, 2014 @ 7:10 am

I really love In-n-Out Burger. I consider it on par with Five Guys but the fries are very different. But since we are conservatives we can tolerate diversity of opinion even on core values like burgers and fries.
Nan
June 6th, 2014 @ 10:11 am

I’ve been to In-n-Out burger and thought it was fine. Had my first burger from 5 guys a few weeks ago and while I loved the burger I was underwhelmed by the fries, which were limp and tasteless.
Wombat_socho
June 6th, 2014 @ 10:31 am

Yeah, if you don’t get them fresh out of the fryer they can be a tad gross.
Wombat_socho
June 6th, 2014 @ 10:31 am

It’s a big tent full of diverse burger opinions! 🙂
Wombat_socho
June 6th, 2014 @ 10:32 am

Original Tommy’s. That was the other one I was supposed to hit. Well, I’m sure it’ll still be there next year after I move down here.
Loren
June 6th, 2014 @ 10:32 am

Well differing taste is allowed. I like both 5 guys and In-N-Out, but give the edge to In-N-Out myself.
richard mcenroe
June 6th, 2014 @ 10:50 am

The water’s bottled from NJ taps, so you can drink it in philosophical calm.
richard mcenroe
June 6th, 2014 @ 10:50 am

And sorry, gimme White Castle or Krystal’s.
richard mcenroe
June 6th, 2014 @ 10:51 am

Mind you, Whataburger ain’t bad.
The Daley Gator | Yes, In-N-Out Burger is vastly overrated!
June 6th, 2014 @ 12:05 pm

[…] Wombat over at The Other McCain I came across his review of a certain burger chain, and I must agree with his […]
ThomasD
June 6th, 2014 @ 12:09 pm

Back when I lived in Arizona my work routinely took me into the metro Phoenix area, so I was there when In & Out came to town. I had heard the hype from all the Cali transplants, and got in line with all the rest. I thought they were pretty good, but not nearly deserving of the absurd level of reverence they got from all the refugees.

Flash forward many years to my current residence in NE Tennessee, and the arrival of Five Guys. Which I agree is better, but not by all that much, and I also understand that my comparisons are highly memory dependent. Right now the best burgers in my town are at a local place called the Paragon Diner. They are hand pattied fresh burger, and you can get one with strips of gyro meat instead of bacon – that rocks.

Which is all a long way of saying it was nice to hear someone with recent experiences share in my opinion of the two chains.
ThomasD
June 6th, 2014 @ 12:12 pm

Also the Five Guys cooking technique, while highly traditional, is not nearly so foolproof. A poorly trained or inattentive cook can turn them into grease sponges.
LeatherPenguin
June 6th, 2014 @ 12:52 pm

A Tale Of Two Burgers http://t.co/vo9ExidNWd
M. Thompson
June 6th, 2014 @ 2:00 pm

The local places are often the best.
Jon Camp
June 6th, 2014 @ 2:14 pm

I 1st had In-N-Out in October of 2003 on a visit to Los Angeles. My sister took me there saying “it’s the best burger place ever!” and instructed me to order Animal Style. I did. My thought when done was “It was a burger.”

5 Guys made it to Salt Lake a few years ago and I gave them a try at my wife’s urging since she used to live in DC and she said of 5G “it’s the best burger place ever!” My thought after eating there was “Pretty good, but a bit pricey.”

In-N-Out has made it to SLC since then, so I’ve given it another couple of tries — animal style and regular and any time I’ve been there. . . .it’s been fine, but nothing special. Flavor-wise I actually do prefer 5 Guys, but then again… I’m not really big on burgers and 5 Guys is still kinda pricey, so….. my overall thought it “meh” but if I had to choose a winner in the burger wars I’d still give it to 5 Guys.

Someday I’ll give Heart Attack a try. I was in Scottsdale a couple of years ago and thought I’d give it a go then, but found out when I got there that they’d moved to Vegas instead. Ah well.
Finrod Felagund
June 6th, 2014 @ 2:36 pm

When I lived in OKC, I was so into the onion rings at Whataburger that I would buy two orders of them with my burger, because I would eat an entire order of their onion rings just during the drive from there back to my apartment.
Sqotty
June 6th, 2014 @ 4:37 pm

I used to frequent Original Tommy’s whenever I went to Hollywood Boulevard. Excellent burgers.
ArdvarkMaster
June 6th, 2014 @ 5:13 pm

Whataburger – what a burger should be!

Love ’em with jalapenos.
dustbury.com » Myocardial ingestion
June 6th, 2014 @ 6:22 pm

[…] They apparently have relocated to Las Vegas, where Wombat-socho gave them a try: […]
Steve Skubinna
June 6th, 2014 @ 7:58 pm

Original Tommy’s is in a class by itself. It was always a mandatory stop when visiting friends in LA.
Steve Skubinna
June 6th, 2014 @ 7:58 pm

Order the fries well done. They’re cooked longer and thus crispier.
Steve Skubinna
June 6th, 2014 @ 8:02 pm

There’s a place in Seattle called Zippy’s that is amazing. Somehow they cook the patties so they’re crusty on the outside but still juicy inside. But there’s only the one location.

A place out near where I live in the sticks is Big Bubba’s Burgers, which are really good but for me the best thing is during summer they have shakes made with whatever fresh berries they got that morning. Which are not burgers, but damn fine shakes.
K-Bob
June 6th, 2014 @ 8:19 pm

Due to medical tourism, we recently left our comfortable abode here at Directly Above The Center Of The Earth, and went back to the former Boogie North, in the Center of the Known Universe (where the mascot of the local institute of higher-learning-through-lifelong-debt is a Wolverine).

We were saddened to see that the unique and famous, “Crazy Jim’s Blimpy Burger” had finally been removed from it’s longtime location.

Happily I noticed today an announcement at their website that they had moved to a new location, right beside the other, long-time icon of indigestion, The Fleetwood Diner.

These two dives live in easily-retrieved memories for millions of former students around the planet. But they are also beloved institutions of lipid-overload beyond compare to even the townies and vagrants.

I only hope that they kept the imagery and layout of the original location of the Blimpster. Just ordering there is an experience.

If you ever get to Ann Arbor, make sure you go there hungry.
K-Bob
June 6th, 2014 @ 8:35 pm

I must have gone on a bad night. Our only visit to Five Guys (after my son raved about them) was not good at all. Our burgers were dry and somewhat institutional tasting (like the kind of burgers we got at the food service in college). The fries were soggy and unappealing. Probably the first time in my life I only ate a few fries before giving up.

I guess I should try them again, but it’s hard to make that decision when other places we like to eat at are nearby.
K-Bob
June 6th, 2014 @ 8:36 pm

Time for accusations of “purity”!
Wombat_socho
June 6th, 2014 @ 9:19 pm

Krystal’s I can understand, but White Castle?
Wombat_socho
June 6th, 2014 @ 9:24 pm

It looks like there are Whataburgers in Baton Rouge, Gulfport and Houston, which I’ll be visiting or passing through on the way to Las Vegas next year. Another burger post, this time including Sonic! 🙂
Wombat_socho
June 6th, 2014 @ 9:24 pm

This was my father’s opinion as well.
Jeanette Victoria
June 6th, 2014 @ 9:25 pm

One of the very few things I miss from SoCal is In-N-Out Burger but to be honest I don’t eat fries out anywhere becuase no one uses animal fat to fry anymore. If I want good fries I make them myself
Wombat_socho
June 6th, 2014 @ 9:25 pm

Heart Attack Grill is definitely worth visiting.
Jeanette Victoria
June 6th, 2014 @ 9:29 pm

Best pork chop sandwich around here is Nick’s Old Fashioned Hamburger http://goo.gl/bN2EC4
Wombat_socho
June 6th, 2014 @ 9:42 pm

Heart Attack Grill fries theirs in lard. Which, according to several recent links on Instapundit, may actually be better for you than corn oil and other vegetable desecrations.
Jeanette Victoria
June 6th, 2014 @ 10:07 pm

When I moved out and cooked on my own I never had cream of chemicals (margarine) or corn oil in the house. I can’t stand the taste. I have the palate version of perfect pitch. So I can taste everything.
Jeanette Victoria
June 6th, 2014 @ 10:12 pm

Yup you git to do the Original Tommy’s. LOL Oh my I’m feeling old. I was dating a guy at Caltech in the very early 70’s and we frequently took a road trip to Original Tommy’s!
ArdvarkMaster
June 6th, 2014 @ 10:17 pm

Whataburger started in Corpus Christi TX. So the closer you get to Corpus Christi the more you’ll find. Enjoy.

P.S. Don’t work for them, just always liked them.
WarEagle82
June 6th, 2014 @ 10:26 pm

I will NOT settle for the “lesser of two burgers!”