Terrorism on Four Hooves

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Victim of the whitetail jihad:

This was not an accident. This was a premeditated suicide attack on my 2004 KIA Optima. The Islamicists hate us for our freedom. The deer hate us for our Korean sedans.

Although, of course, it was the deer that was K.I.A. (Notice the tufts of fur stuck in the grill.)

My 17-year-old sons  gutted and butchered the deer, salvaging about 30 pounds of venison that’s now in the freezer, which ought to be ample warning to any other antlered menaces who think they can attack me on the highway and then go bragging about it to their deer buddies back in the forest.

In response to my despairing post this morning — honestly, that six-point buck didn’t just total my car, he wrecked my entire month — many have attempted to reassure and comfort me that at least I wasn’t injured. This is cold comfort, considering that (a) I’d just spent $700 to have the engine fixed, and (b) the insurance is unlikely to pay as much for the car as we still owe the finance company.

Thanks to the many readers who have hit the tip jar in an effort to offset the financial damage. Your contributions have at least enabled me to recover some morbid humor about this disaster:

UPDATE: “Stacy wonders what he has done to cause Gaia to unleash the animal kingdom on him.”

Whenever I hear environmentalists ranting about mankind “raping the planet,” I always answer, “That tramp was beggin’ for it.”

Gaia is a total slut. Pass it on.

119 comments

  1. Listen, they ain’t gonna total that car out over that…. They’ll replace that hood, the front clip and you’ll be back driving before you know it.

    If they can spare that car and keep you driving it, they will. trust me.

    Especially if it’s state car. I know, I used to be a body shop porter and I’ve seen ’em bring worse back from the abyss man.

    -Pat

  2. Listen, they ain’t gonna total that car out over that…. They’ll replace that hood, the front clip and you’ll be back driving before you know it.

    If they can spare that car and keep you driving it, they will. trust me.

    Especially if it’s state car. I know, I used to be a body shop porter and I’ve seen ’em bring worse back from the abyss man.

    -Pat

  8. Listen, they ain’t gonna total that car out over that…. They’ll replace that hood, the front clip and you’ll be back driving before you know it.

    Trust me, Pat, it’s totalled. The radiator’s gone and the frame is bent, and the cost to repair the damage would be greater than the bluebook value. And, even worse, the bluebook values is less than the loan balance. I’m completely screwed.

  9. Listen, they ain’t gonna total that car out over that…. They’ll replace that hood, the front clip and you’ll be back driving before you know it.

    Trust me, Pat, it’s totalled. The radiator’s gone and the frame is bent, and the cost to repair the damage would be greater than the bluebook value. And, even worse, the bluebook values is less than the loan balance. I’m completely screwed.

  10. You call that damage? Heck, I had more damage from that when I hit a cow with a Toyota pickup near the Mexican border in the New Mexico desert. And I drove that thing with the headlight duct taped in place for another 150k miles and 10 years.

    Further, where I’m from it is against the law to scavenge roadkill, even freshly hit.

    And worse, ruining venison with store bought sauce? Sacrilege!

  11. You call that damage? Heck, I had more damage from that when I hit a cow with a Toyota pickup near the Mexican border in the New Mexico desert. And I drove that thing with the headlight duct taped in place for another 150k miles and 10 years.

    Further, where I’m from it is against the law to scavenge roadkill, even freshly hit.

    And worse, ruining venison with store bought sauce? Sacrilege!

  12. Are you sure you do not have stop gap? Check on that. If you do the insurance company has to cover the loan.

    Screwed? Yeah. Totally screwed? No. You are okay. Your family is okay.

    And you can savor the flesh of the enemy.

  13. Trust me, Pat, it’s totalled. The radiator’s gone and the frame is bent, and the cost to repair the damage would be greater than the bluebook value. And, even worse, the bluebook values is less than the loan balance. I’m completely screwed.

    I dunno man, like I said. I’ve seen worse, I’ve seen ’em take cars that are whole mess worse and fix EVERYTHING related to accident, instead of totaling it out. Now, it is a 2004, so, they might just figure it ain’t worth it. Depends on the insurance company’s screw the customer rating and the desire to have to body shop rates…. IYKWIMAITYD.

    Anyhow, I’m sure you’ll make alright man.. I was, honestly, expecting worse. Not to diminish it or anything. I’m just glad you are doing alright. ’bout gave this old feller and heart palpitation or two. I’m sure you had a few dodging that thing too! One thing I ain’t ever done is hit a deer. I’ve come close to taking out a couple dogs; and I’ve had a cat decide that head butting my car’s bumper would be a cool thing to do. Didn’t kill him; but he did stagger around a bit and most likely called me a name or two in kitty cat Meow’eze. But other than that… He was fine.

  14. Are you sure you do not have stop gap? Check on that. If you do the insurance company has to cover the loan.

    Screwed? Yeah. Totally screwed? No. You are okay. Your family is okay.

    And you can savor the flesh of the enemy.

  15. Trust me, Pat, it’s totalled. The radiator’s gone and the frame is bent, and the cost to repair the damage would be greater than the bluebook value. And, even worse, the bluebook values is less than the loan balance. I’m completely screwed.

    I dunno man, like I said. I’ve seen worse, I’ve seen ’em take cars that are whole mess worse and fix EVERYTHING related to accident, instead of totaling it out. Now, it is a 2004, so, they might just figure it ain’t worth it. Depends on the insurance company’s screw the customer rating and the desire to have to body shop rates…. IYKWIMAITYD.

    Anyhow, I’m sure you’ll make alright man.. I was, honestly, expecting worse. Not to diminish it or anything. I’m just glad you are doing alright. ’bout gave this old feller and heart palpitation or two. I’m sure you had a few dodging that thing too! One thing I ain’t ever done is hit a deer. I’ve come close to taking out a couple dogs; and I’ve had a cat decide that head butting my car’s bumper would be a cool thing to do. Didn’t kill him; but he did stagger around a bit and most likely called me a name or two in kitty cat Meow’eze. But other than that… He was fine.

  16. and the desire to have to body shop rates…. IYKWIMAITYD.

    Have to PAY… Gott-a-mighty I think I got word drop itize tonight or something…

  17. and the desire to have to body shop rates…. IYKWIMAITYD.

    Have to PAY… Gott-a-mighty I think I got word drop itize tonight or something…

  20. The radiator’s gone and the frame is bent, and the cost to repair the damage would be greater than the bluebook value.

    take whatever money you can get from ins. and sell the wreck for whatever you can get on craigslist. might be enough to cover the note

  21. The radiator’s gone and the frame is bent, and the cost to repair the damage would be greater than the bluebook value.

    take whatever money you can get from ins. and sell the wreck for whatever you can get on craigslist. might be enough to cover the note

  26. I believe you when you say it was premeditated because, although I have never hit a deer, once….a deer hit me. It ran right into the side of my little Dodge Omni when I was in high school. Scared the bejeebies out of me. Crazy deer!

  28. I believe you when you say it was premeditated because, although I have never hit a deer, once….a deer hit me. It ran right into the side of my little Dodge Omni when I was in high school. Scared the bejeebies out of me. Crazy deer!

  31. Radiator’s $85. Bumper cover $140. Fender $65. Hood $207. Headlights – $160 for low beam, $90 for high beam. Grille $86. All at http://www.rockauto.com. Now you can get a fair amount of that stuff from a scrapyard, craigslist, or ebay for a lot less. I’d buy the radiator new, though.

    Now it looks fairly spectacular, but what was damaged is all replaceable. I doubt that the frame is as badly bent as you say. Have you had an insurance adjuster out to take a look? How did it drive after the hit? If it still drives okay, you might be in a good spot just replacing all that stuff – and your boys are pretty handy with a wrench. You’ll still need a paint job – $200 at Earl Scheib, I think.

  32. Radiator’s $85. Bumper cover $140. Fender $65. Hood $207. Headlights – $160 for low beam, $90 for high beam. Grille $86. All at http://www.rockauto.com. Now you can get a fair amount of that stuff from a scrapyard, craigslist, or ebay for a lot less. I’d buy the radiator new, though.

    Now it looks fairly spectacular, but what was damaged is all replaceable. I doubt that the frame is as badly bent as you say. Have you had an insurance adjuster out to take a look? How did it drive after the hit? If it still drives okay, you might be in a good spot just replacing all that stuff – and your boys are pretty handy with a wrench. You’ll still need a paint job – $200 at Earl Scheib, I think.

  34. Like Pat said, that’s not going to total. Bumper cover, lamp, fender, hood, possibly radiator support, radiator, condenser, all available aftermarket. At most $2500 – you’re safe. Your Kia is a unibody vehicle, so only “frame” damage is to the left frame horn, maybe back to the suspension mount area, but doubtful.

    Make sure the blend the door from the fender, otherwise you’ll be fine.

    /adjusterfag

  35. Like Pat said, that’s not going to total. Bumper cover, lamp, fender, hood, possibly radiator support, radiator, condenser, all available aftermarket. At most $2500 – you’re safe. Your Kia is a unibody vehicle, so only “frame” damage is to the left frame horn, maybe back to the suspension mount area, but doubtful.

    Make sure the blend the door from the fender, otherwise you’ll be fine.

    /adjusterfag

  36. Robert Stacy McCain:
    Did the airbag deploy? My daughter hit a rather small deer while driving our Sequoia, damage looked about the same as on your car and never deployed the airbag. Two radiators, hood, left front quarter panel, grill and cowl and bumper no frame damage. It’s paid for Thank God I kept the full coverage. It’s the only paid for vehicle I’ve ever done that on. Six grand.

  37. Robert Stacy McCain:
    Did the airbag deploy? My daughter hit a rather small deer while driving our Sequoia, damage looked about the same as on your car and never deployed the airbag. Two radiators, hood, left front quarter panel, grill and cowl and bumper no frame damage. It’s paid for Thank God I kept the full coverage. It’s the only paid for vehicle I’ve ever done that on. Six grand.

  38. At least you hit it.

    I’ve had four vehicular encounters with deer. Once, I hit the deer. The other three times, they broadsided my vehicle.

    A deer bouncing off the front fender and rolling down the side of a motor vehicle does at least as much, and probably more damage than one does when one hits it with the front end.

    The only vehicle I ever totaled was because a deer ran out and rolled from about the front right wheel all the way down the side. Cratered the whole body, as far as the Insurance Company was concerned.

    Totally frustrational. I was at least as poor as you are when that happened, and wound up driving a 1972 Ford Pinto Wagon for two years before I recovered from it.

    Remember Jimmy Carter? I do. I blame him for that Pinto, among other things.

    FWIW, I survived, stayed functional, and got over it.

  39. At least you hit it.

    I’ve had four vehicular encounters with deer. Once, I hit the deer. The other three times, they broadsided my vehicle.

    A deer bouncing off the front fender and rolling down the side of a motor vehicle does at least as much, and probably more damage than one does when one hits it with the front end.

    The only vehicle I ever totaled was because a deer ran out and rolled from about the front right wheel all the way down the side. Cratered the whole body, as far as the Insurance Company was concerned.

    Totally frustrational. I was at least as poor as you are when that happened, and wound up driving a 1972 Ford Pinto Wagon for two years before I recovered from it.

    Remember Jimmy Carter? I do. I blame him for that Pinto, among other things.

    FWIW, I survived, stayed functional, and got over it.

  40. SteveinTN, I don’t know where you live in Tennessee but here in Smyrna roadkill is legal to harvest. If it’s big game, you do have to report it…

    Deer accidentally killed by a motor vehicle may be possessed by any person for personal use and consumption if the TWRA or a local law enforcement agency is notified within 48 hours.

    but squirrels, possum &c. are get ’em while you can. I can’t tell you how much ‘centerline shopping’ has improved the lives of many Obama-caused out-of-work Tennesseans.

    Georgia, too, has sensible roadkill harvesting laws.

    Oh, and never buy a Kia. Those things fold like accordions. Get you a used pick’em up truck or an old 4X4 Blazer and worry not about these 4-legged critters.

  41. SteveinTN, I don’t know where you live in Tennessee but here in Smyrna roadkill is legal to harvest. If it’s big game, you do have to report it…

    Deer accidentally killed by a motor vehicle may be possessed by any person for personal use and consumption if the TWRA or a local law enforcement agency is notified within 48 hours.

    but squirrels, possum &c. are get ’em while you can. I can’t tell you how much ‘centerline shopping’ has improved the lives of many Obama-caused out-of-work Tennesseans.

    Georgia, too, has sensible roadkill harvesting laws.

    Oh, and never buy a Kia. Those things fold like accordions. Get you a used pick’em up truck or an old 4X4 Blazer and worry not about these 4-legged critters.

  42. Ooh Adobe has a great point. Airbag – $150-up, used.

    Now if it didn’t deploy, there may be less damage than you suspect. If it did, the car may very well be totalled.

  43. Ooh Adobe has a great point. Airbag – $150-up, used.

    Now if it didn’t deploy, there may be less damage than you suspect. If it did, the car may very well be totalled.

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