The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Obligatory Hollywood Teen Bride and ‘OMG! Bristol Palin! Scandal!’ Blogging

Posted on | July 23, 2011 | 17 Comments

Don’t know about you, but two days of blogging about Norwegian terror attacks exceeds my recommended dosage. It’s time to get get back to blogging about real news.

And by “real news,” of course I mean teen sex scandals.

You might have thought this morning’s post about Rep. David Wu (D-Oregon) would have filled the teen sex scandal news quota. However, as everyone knows, it’s not an actual scandal for a teenager to be sexually assaulted by a congressman if (a) he’s a Democrat and (b) she’s the daughter of a major campaign contributor.

So that’s not exactly what we call “news.” Dog bites man.

Sex is always scandalous, however, when it involves a Republican, which is why Bristol Palin went on the “Dr. Drew” show to talk about losing her virginity to Levi Johnston while drunk on wine coolers:

Instead of waking up in his arms, I awakened in the cold tent, alone. . . . That was the first of many bad decisions to come.”

Where I come from, the only reason any young fellow ever buys wine coolers is if he’s trying to have sex with a teenage girl. It’s almost like a redneck cultural tradition, a rite of passage or something.

So, once again: Dog bites man. Not exactly “news.”

Moving on, then, we find Hollywood teen bride Courtney Stodden and her 51-year-old husband appearing on the “Father Albert Show,” and the host asks her about her future plans:

Father Albert: “College? Continuing education?”
Courtney: “He’s my college! He’s my acting coach! I have this built-in acting coach right here. How many girls . . . that’s their dream, y’know? And I fell in love with my dream!”

Maybe Glenn Reynolds would consider this as Courtney helping fight the “higher education bubble.” Or maybe not.

Finally, we find famed “momblogger” Danielle Smith addressing the Courtney Stodden scandal:

“So we’re going to go ahead and file this into the ‘Are You Kidding Me?’ category. . . . I’m not one for objecting, generally speaking, to age gaps in marriage. You could fall in love with someone who’s 15 or 20 years younger than you. My objection comes with the age of one of the parties: Sixteen years old — 16!”

OK, ma’am. Objection registered. But let’s ask a hypothetical question: Suppose that your daughter was determined to have sex at age 16. Given the choice, would you rather her first time be . . .

A. Drunk on wine coolers in a pup tent with Levi Johnston, or
B. On her wedding night, in a luxury hotel suite, with her movie star husband.

Just a hypothetical, but if you want my advice, I’d say if you don’t want your 16-year-old daughters having sex, keep them away from movie stars, Democratic congressmen and teenage boys with wine coolers.

Movie stars and Democratic congressmen are kind of rare.

But those teenage boys with wine coolers? They’re everywhere.


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