The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler


Posted on | October 8, 2011 | 28 Comments

During a long phone conversation with Dan Collins today, we talked about “Occupy Wall Street.” I mentioned that the only thing I’d written on the topic was a post praising the restraint of the NYPD in not opening fire on those useless motherf–king protesters.

They’re the kind of commie scum who give commie scum a bad name and my trademark “hypothetical atrocity” rhetoric was intended to signify nothing other than my bottomless well of contempt for such people. Therefore if I were the commander of the NYPD riot squad, my orders would be to open fire and shoot to kill. We’d make Kent State look like a Sunday school picnic. The brutality would be something more on the scale of Guernica, complete with Predator drone airstrikes.

However, a career in law-enforcement never appealed to me, so Andrew Sullivan is free to denounce the hypothetical massacre committed under the imaginary command of “what-if” NYPD Capt. Stacy McCain. Sully’s hysterical outrage over my jocular celebrations of satirical bloodshed would only serve to make us wonder if he ever had any sense of irony, or whether it was drummed out of him by his professors at Harvard.

So while the anarchist maggots infesting Lower Manhattan continue to fascinate bloggers like Weasel Zippers and Jammie Wearing Fool, I’ve been too busy trying to cover the 2012 GOP presidential race to pay much attention to the uproar, hubbub and brouhaha.

That’s when Dan told me about a real social injustice: After years of providing quality satire for a global readership of millions, Dave Burge’s total earnings from his world-famous Iowahawk blog have not yet reached $500. The 1% of wealthy corporate bloggers have hoarded all the PayPal contributions, while the 99% of proletarian satirists like Comrade Dave have been deprived of their fair share of bloggola.

When Dan told me this, I was astonished. “You’re kidding me — $500? Tucker Carlson spends more than that for lunch most weekdays. Hell, even Ace of Spades wouldn’t bother to do more than a snarky headline and a “meh” for less than $100 a day. Surely it can’t be true that Iowahawk’s total earnings for his ‘Beer Fund’ haven’t yet reached $500.”

But Dan insisted that, indeed, the oppressive forces of Corporate Blogging had conspired to deprive Burge of the Means of Satirical Production, and that high officials of the Obama administration were “all in on it,” conspiring with Halliburton, Goldman Sachs and Tabitha Hale to prevent readers from making “Beer Fund” donations.

So I went and gave Comrade Dave $20 for the revolutionary cause, and wondered what more I could do to call attention to the plight of downtrodden online humorists. And then it hit me: #OccupyIowahawk!

All we needed was a Twitter hashtag, some protest signs and maybe a gigantic papier-mâché puppet or two, and the world could no longer ignore the oppression of Dave Burge, the Rachel Corrie of the Blogsophere.

Click the image and contribute to the “Beer Fund” Iowahawk Legal Defense Fund. An Army of Photoshoppers™ will emerge in virtual civil disobedience to the System. We await adulatory coverage from Dylan Ratigan, Ed Schultz, Lawrence O’Donnell and the New York Times.


28 Responses to “#OccupyIowahawk”

  1. Richard Mcenroe
    October 8th, 2011 @ 3:06 pm

    Stacy, I can’t endorse your suggestions, hypotehtical or otherwise, because you never make it clear whether you would barricade ALL the exits or leave the path to the East River open, forcing the vermin to choose between jumping or being shot.

    It’s pisspoor planning like that that cost you guys Gettysburg, you know…

  2. McGehee
    October 8th, 2011 @ 3:09 pm

    I vote we take off and airdrop millions of gallons of soapy water on the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

  3. Anonymous
    October 8th, 2011 @ 3:22 pm

    I’ll thank you not to sully the nickname of pilot hero, Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, again, by so cheaply bestowing it upon unworthies!

  4. Anonymous
    October 8th, 2011 @ 3:29 pm

    You misunderstand, Richard: It’s important to let panic-stricken survivors flee the scene, so they can return to their college campuses with horrifying tales of savagery, which will serve to spread the intended message of intimidation nationwide: NO MORE FUCKING PROTESTS, or we’ll kill every one of you commie cocksuckers!

    Generalissimo Francisco Franco never would have tolerated anything like “Occupy Wall Street.”

  5. chuck coffer
    October 8th, 2011 @ 4:01 pm

    Napalm. I just love the image. It’s almost erotic.

  6. Joe
    October 8th, 2011 @ 4:17 pm

    It is also art, like Burning Man!

  7. Jeff
    October 8th, 2011 @ 4:55 pm

    Not at all, Richard.   At Gettysburg, Lee changed his strategy in the midst of a successful campaign, a sure way of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory*.  Here, Stacy is describing a hypothetical strategy for the start of a campaign that sends a message to the losers trending towards this “Occupy [insert pet peeve here]” crap. 

    Although you forgot machine guns, Stacy.  For crowd control, I understand that the Vickers is  the machine gun of choice.

    Theoretically speaking, of course.

    *: Loyal Confederates disputing this analysis, please do not hijack this thread.  We are discussing hypothetical law enforcement policies, thankyouverymuch. 

  8. Jeff
    October 8th, 2011 @ 4:56 pm

    If we must, we must.  But, please, add some fragrance to the solution.  Anything but patchouli or lavender.

  9. JeffS
    October 8th, 2011 @ 4:56 pm

    Eh, I messed up my log in — that should be “JeffS”,

  10. Occupy Wherever and Other Saturday Follies
    October 8th, 2011 @ 5:59 pm

    […] is also a movement afoot to Occupy Iowahawk, which frankly makes a lot more sense than trying to Occupy the National Air and Space […]

  11. Anonymous
    October 8th, 2011 @ 6:45 pm

    The German MG-42 fires 1200 rounds per min.

  12. Anonymous
    October 8th, 2011 @ 6:50 pm

    NYPD policy according to McCain: To protect and serve. To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. And hear the lamentations of their women. To threaten fleeing survivors with Lava soap.

    I could live with that.

  13. Anonymous
    October 8th, 2011 @ 6:56 pm

    I suspect in this age of cell phone cameras and political correctness it may be politically, not to mention socially awkward to embrace one’s inner Reginald Dyer.

  14. Anonymous
    October 8th, 2011 @ 7:00 pm

    Incidentally, that Iowahawk has earned less than $500 is a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.

    My next contribution to a blogger goes to Burge. Sorry, Stacy. He needs the gas (Gaia blood) money more.

  15. JeffS
    October 8th, 2011 @ 7:01 pm

    True, and the MG-42 could sustain that fire for longer periods than the Vickers.  Plus it’s lighter, and has a distinctive report.  But the Vickers is intimidating  while just sitting on a tripod. 

    So, perhaps a mixture of the weapons would be more appropriate than either of these weapons alone? 

  16. Blue Hen
    October 8th, 2011 @ 7:38 pm

    The best message would be the realization that  none of the interlopers will return to their lands. The only message would be rumors of the wrath of Gondor.
    With apologies to JRR Tolkein

  17. Anonymous
    October 8th, 2011 @ 7:43 pm

    While I’m sure we can all agree that one can’t have too many automatic weapons, from what I’ve read one didn’t have to see an MG-42 to be intimidated.

  18. JeffS
    October 8th, 2011 @ 7:57 pm

    And so I’ve been told.  But PSYOPS requires many tools, including those that can be seen, and those that can’t. 

  19. Admiral of the Navy of Wyoming
    October 8th, 2011 @ 8:02 pm

    Gentlemen, you are both ignoring the best of both weapons, brought together in a modern package: the aircraft mounted mini-gun.

  20. Richard Mcenroe
    October 8th, 2011 @ 8:38 pm

    Agreed on the Vickers, or the stock 1919 Browning.  Water-cooled for sustained fire is the way to go.  Two inch tap, that’s the rap!

  21. Richard Mcenroe
    October 8th, 2011 @ 8:39 pm

    maintenance intensive and a bitch to clear with a misfire.

  22. Anonymous
    October 8th, 2011 @ 8:45 pm

    Yes a fine weapon indeed, but we were discussing machine guns, I believe technically the mini-gun is a repeater.

  23. Admiral of the Navy of Wyoming
    October 8th, 2011 @ 9:09 pm

    Mr. Mcenroe, you are correct, but we are discussing crowd control, not military combat operations.  Still, it must be considered.

    Mr. Walls, I believe that you are correct, but given the rate of fire and psychological impacts, I’m quite willing to overlook such a technicality.

  24. Adjoran
    October 9th, 2011 @ 12:05 am

    I did notice that they haven’t started a satellite protest in Tiananmen Square . . .

  25. David Burge
    October 9th, 2011 @ 2:04 pm

    Stacy – many thanks, and many thanks to all y’all who’ve been sending beer money but PLEASE STOP. Seriously. As the wastrel son of an Iowa hog baron, I do. not. need. it. Besides, donations only make me feel guilt.

  26. David Burge
    October 9th, 2011 @ 2:11 pm

    And a correction – I have collected more than $500 in beer fund tips. I think I told Dan I collect less than $500 per year. It’s more than enough to pay my typepad hosting, which is plenty enough. I really do appreciate the thought, but I don’t really need or want any more than that.

  27. Bob Belvedere
    October 9th, 2011 @ 7:28 pm


  28. Paul Joslin
    October 10th, 2011 @ 1:19 pm

    Writer Harlan Ellison once said he didn’t want to be called a gadfly, since that’s what they called you when they realized you had no real effect, no power to change anything.

    Gadfly, that’s the image.  Like a mayfly, ephemeral, harmless, possibly a nuisance, ultimately insignificant.

    Here are my demands for Occupy Wall Street:
    1) Give up your MacBooks and iPhones.  Apple is a big rich corporation.
    2) Give up your Starbucks and Micky D’s coffee.  They too are big rich corporations.
    3) If you’re complaining about having tens of thousands of dollars of education debts, and no chance of using your degree to get a job, complain to the parents who didn’t teach you how the world worked, and the school that was willing to loan you money in order to sell you an overpriced credential.