The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

At Least He Didn’t Break a Hip

Posted on | October 25, 2011 | 17 Comments

“Steven Tyler smashed his face during a “nasty fall” in a hotel shower … knocking out several teeth … this according to multiple reports out of Paraguay.”

That’s got to be embarrassing. Like being left off the BlogCon agenda.

I need something to cheer me up. Like Lindsay Lohan nude.


17 Responses to “At Least He Didn’t Break a Hip”

  1. Anonymous
    October 25th, 2011 @ 7:33 pm

    Nice segue.

  2. Adjoran
    October 25th, 2011 @ 7:36 pm

    Poor Tyler – I hate when that happens.

    With Lindsay Lohan, I can’t help but think of how many aspiring actresses have managed to “get noticed” with a nude Playboy spread (pun intended), but it’s much rarer that an established star decides to bare it all.  Pretty much a sign the career has fallen apart, the money is gone, and she is going to be needing funds to buy cigarettes and drugs in prison.

  3. JeffS
    October 25th, 2011 @ 7:36 pm

    I had to look up Steven Tyler.  Meh, Aerosmith.

    And LiLo nude?  Maybe I’d appreciate that before her addictions became rampant.  I bet some poor tech has hours and hours of Photoshop work ahead of him. 

  4. Joe
    October 25th, 2011 @ 7:39 pm

    (That, that) Dude falls like an old lady(That, that) Dude falls like an old lady(That, that) Dude falls like an old  lady(That, that) Dude falls like an old lady

  5. McGehee
    October 25th, 2011 @ 7:49 pm

    He knocked out some teeth? With a gape like his I assumed he had rows of them ready to grow in and replace any that came out.

    (I almost riffed on airbag lips before I remembered that was Mick Jagger, not Steven Tyler.)

  6. Bob Belvedere
    October 25th, 2011 @ 8:04 pm

    In this case, I’m gonna need some Brain Bleach.

    She looks like the 55 year-old manager of a trailer park who has been featured on Cops.

  7. Bob Belvedere
    October 25th, 2011 @ 8:04 pm

    BTW: Thanks for the HEADLINE, Stacy.

  8. chuck coffer
    October 25th, 2011 @ 8:40 pm

    It’s funny to say fuck a duck on teevee. It means you’re “irreverent”. It’s also sexy to have the head of a 65 year old bar-whore wrapped around King Kong’s teeth atop a middle-schooler’s body and have the whole shebang weigh in at under a buck twenty. That’s what I hear anyway.

    Fashion. Sparkle.

  9. just a conservative girl
    October 25th, 2011 @ 9:14 pm

    Is he on the sauce again?

  10. Anonymous
    October 25th, 2011 @ 9:15 pm

    Slip this way, slip this way, slip this way…

  11. Dave C
    October 25th, 2011 @ 9:50 pm

    Just think of the price Lilo could have gotten when she wasn’t a strung out gutter whore..

    Hef needs to act fast though.   Much more waiting and that return on that ‘investment’ will rapidly decline.

  12. Chakam
    October 25th, 2011 @ 11:31 pm

    Best Tyler quote I heard:

    “Don’t give me no lip, I got enough of my own!”

  13. Proof
    October 25th, 2011 @ 11:34 pm

    Lindsay might look good! After all, she did say ,”I worked my ass off at the morgue!”

  14. Adjoran
    October 26th, 2011 @ 12:37 am

    How cool would it have been to have a hidden camera and leave her alone in the morgue for a minute – and a body comes back to life with a zombie shuffle?

    She’d be looking for rehab then – a place with high walls.

  15. Proof
    October 26th, 2011 @ 1:28 am

    I hear they didn’t let her near the bodies, just cleaning floors and toilets and such. That would have been the money shot – watching Lindsay Lohan scrubbing toilets!

  16. Jum Jum
    October 26th, 2011 @ 1:34 am

    Dammit! Now you’ve gone made me blow my midnight-snack milk & cookies out my nose and on to my monitor screen…..

  17. Anonymous
    October 26th, 2011 @ 3:17 am

    “Fall in the shower”? I dunno. I’m betting that’s merely the cover story. Here’s the way an article would likely read if Tyler’s handlers hadn’t jumped on this quickly and bribed, cajoled and spun everyone in sight to put out this shower fall fable….


    “American Idol” judge and Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler was forced to cancel at least one South American concert when he suffered a savage beating at the hands of street toughs early this morning, said a spokesman for the Paraguayan Ministry of Justice. Info-Führer Javier Mengele-Diaz said that police officers found a badly beaten Tyler unconscious and bleeding in a very dangerous quarter of the city known to locals as “The Back Door of the Lady-Men”. Tyler, who was wearing women’s outer and under garments along with elaborate makeup, including something which the officers described as a “full tuck-up job”, was first believed to have been just another of the flood of pre-surgical transsexual prostitutes who ply their trade in that quarter in order to finance their sex-change operations.

    Said an officer who had been on the scene, “He was in full makeup, with mascara, eyeliner, triple lashes, heavy lipstick and so on. He was wearing a wispy, flowing Stevie Nicks dress like most of the Lady-Men do in those back alleys. At first we thought he was just a male hooker trying to look like Angelina Jolie because of what looked liker her gargantuan injected lips. But then we realized we had the famous Senor Steven Tyler. It seems Tyler had apparently been doing a little trolling for some young men. Unfortunately he found a gang of macho toughs. They lured him into the shadows with promises of man-sex with the whole gang. Apparently Tyler got that, but when they were done befouling the repugnant celebrity’s nether parts, they took turns beating and kicking him. They apparently robbed him, because all Tyler had on him was three large bottles of something called, ‘AstroLube’.  Yes, it is an all-too-familiar story: an, old, debauched Norte Americano comes here to gratify his disgusting and unholy perversions on our underprivileged youth. So sad for all concerned.”

    However, Tyler’s manager assured this reporter there was no truth to such
    reports, and that Tyler had indeed fallen in the shower. “It was a nasty fall, or series of falls I should say”, reported longtime manager Slick Wilkerson. “Sonofagun, would you believe it, he actually fell something like 17 times, which accounts for the two knocked-out teeth, the lacerations on the face and forehead, the black eyes, bloody nose, broken ribs and also the, uh, lacerated and abraded rectal area.”  Wilkerson went on to say Tyler waked about 3:00 AM and decided to take a
    shower. When asked to explain why Tyler was wearing ultra-feminine women’s clothes, as well as a full woman’s makeup, he said Tyler had merely put on his stage makeup two days early for Aerosmith’s next concert.  “We all know how conscientious Steven is. And he had merely slipped on his fiance’s gown by mistake, and then forgot to take it off in the shower.” And the rectal injuries? “Man, those bars of soap are lethal in a shower.  You fall one or 17 times, and you hit just the wrong way on that deadly soap, and, BAM! All of a sudden you have some tearing and a bunch of bleeding hemorrhoids to boot.” 

    Yeah, that’s the real story I think…..